Diary no.2

Hi Tee Jay

I hope your week's going OK? Stay strong.

Ruthie x

Hi ruthie and Cheryl. Your messages of support do mean a lot.

Been trying to stay positive but have been feeling a bit down today thinking about the debt I have got myself into. I have looked into various options of what I could do about it but keep coming to a dead end. This is basically because I would need to include my ohs income into the equation and seen as we have still not spoken about it it's just not an option at this stage. Why why why?!? Did I do this again. I feel so angry with myself at the minute.

I have not turned back to gambling though and that is definitely a positive but over the last few days it has crossed my mind more than once. Thank goodness for self exclusion and this forum otherwise I may have fallen back into old ways.

Staying strong

Teejay

well done for staying strong and resisting x

it is defiantly not going to solve your problems!

i havnt told my partner about my gambling or debts, he is not the understanding sort to be fair we dont talk alot so its quite easy! either way, i have a dmp, most companies are really helpful and it does work, i dont get any post sent to me so i dont have to worry about hiding stuff or any more secrecy or stress, i do however like the fact my debt is slowly going down. i do understand that this is not a solution for everyone but it may be worth atleast seeking advice on.

dont be angry at yourself, look how far you have come x

keep up the effort and positivity

laura x

Hi

I have an idea - maybe you can write a letter (send a copy to each creditor) saying that you are working on a solution to your debt problem but you are unsure what your personal and financial position is going to be so you can offer to pay a token payment until your position is clear. Give them a timescale - maybe 3 months - when you should be in a position to review. That way, they can see you're not ignoring the problem and it'll give you a breathing space. Just an idea. xx

Hi Laurak and ruthie

I took your advice and looked into getting a dmp through the step website. Had put in all my details and they have emailed all the forms I need to fill in. Although I can't say I was feeling good about it, I felt better that there was the possibility of getting on top of my debt. I today thought this would be a good time to try and speak to my oh about it and tell him what I was planning.

To say this didn't go well would be an understatement. He wasn't happy about my plans for a dmp saying it would have an effect on his credit rating because of being at the same address. Basically the conversation went on from there and I now realise I was wrong to think he would ever get passed this and he has told me he still wants me to move out.

I am feeling utterly devastated as I truly had thought with the way he had behaved in the last few weeks after finding out that he was willing to work through this. In normal circumstances I would fight with every breath in my body to keep us together but I just have no fight in me. How can I when it is all my fault, nothing I can say or do can fix this.

So I am back to square one, I have went down and got a housing application today and I have resigned myself to the fact that this has to happen. Although I am devastated I know I have to start trying to get my life back into order even if it is me going it alone.

Hi TEEJAY

Sorry to read you think you are back at square one but you have been abstaining so you are not you have moved forward

I don't know if this will help but I have not included my OH in any of my debts when they asked about his income I told them my debt was nothing to do with him and they left it at that not including my OH

I did my own payment plan myself by ringing each debtor day by day and telling them I needed a payment plan

I did thankfully achieve a plan with all my debtors was not easy to do but had to be done

My OH went on about his credit rating and then told me to sort it all out myself he did not want to know so I have

after 6 months if we don't borrow anymore credit rating goes up automatically but if you do it all in your name it should not affect your OHs rating

Even now nearly four months on I have to tell my OH how much we have to spend after paying out my gambling debts he does not want to know how much we pay out he just wants to be assured that they are going down and We have survived for 4 months now on next to nothing and I believe he has accepted this as long as I don't gamble again we have a special bond now with the debt (if that makes sense) but we have had to be totally honest with each other about both of our feelings on my gambling and the debt I have caused

It's been very hard to deal with debts on my own but I have done it and so can you

I hope your OH is just feeling angry again and will calm down again and that you can work this out

My OH exploded a few times telling me to leave before he accepted the s**t I had caused through gambling

Try and stay strong and I really hope the situation is better tomorrow for you

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne

I'm just so confused at the moment. I felt me and oh we're ok and going in right direction so felt my next step was to tackle my debts. When I looked into dmps on the step change website I only input my own details, and even though I said I lived with someone, I still didn't have to include his income. I felt so positive about it, thinking, ok it's not the best solution but it is a step to making things easier financially. I thought when I spoke to oh he would see I was trying to sort things out myself but as I said that's not the way it went. I hope you are right and he is just angry, after all it is the first time we have spoken about it again, but it is so hard to move on with things if every time I try to do something about it he just talks about me moving out.

Thanks so much for posting Suzanne, I feel so alone at the moment and it's nice to know there are ppl who understand. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Still feeling confused and alone today, but have to accept the destruction this addiction has left me with and try to deal with it the best I can.

Oh away to football today with kids (I couldn't face it) so am away to do some cleaning in house to keep me busy and will post later.

Teejay

Hi TeeJay,

Sorry to hear about your OH, but try to assure him credit scores a re individuals and not addresses so none of your debt should affect his score. Years ago my score was 998 whilst, due to my OH's lack of money and debt his was 345.

Things may change in your OH's head daily as the y probably do with you,

Stay focused and beat the demon

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi Tee Jay

Sorry I've not been around the last day or two, and really really sorry that things with your oh are so bad at the moment. Don't do anything rash - you have children, and even if you and oh are separating over this please don't feel that because it's your 'fault' it must be you who leaves - who is the main carer for the children, do you own or rent your home etc etc all have a bearing on what is best for you to do next. You have made some mistakes (we all have) and it's understandable that your oh is angry, but please take a deep breath and get some advice on your options before leaving the family home. CG doesn't mean you are a bad person, and the fact that you are taking control and getting help is to your credit - stay strong, sort out that DMP, and make sure you know all your options. If your oh has decided that the relationship is over, that of course is his choice but it doesn't give him the right to demand that you leave. I see from your first post that he said either you leave or he will - that again is his prerogative but I can't help but think he would have done that by now if he was serious ...please get some help/advice.

Thinking of you. xxx

Morning TeeJay

Just popped in to give you my support and hope things are a bit more on an even keel at present. As Ruthie said you have options and choices so don't be forced into anything

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi TEE JAY

I sincerely hope you are feeling more positive today

Please don't think you are on your own because you are not

As Cheryl says you do have options and choices don't rush into anything take one day at a time with everything

Am walking right along side with you as many others on here are

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi TeeJay,

Hope you are ok and trying to stay strong,

Take care and best wishes

Cheryl xxx

Hi - thanks again for all your messages of support. It really helps and I need all the advice I can get at the moment.

Nothing more been said between me and oh so back at a standstill. My stomach has been in knots all day today though cos I know we will have to talk about it again soon. I need to get things sorted one way or another but finding it hard.

Deep down I know my oh is just hurting and I actually don't think he does want us to split up, but I need to get my debt sorted and I need to know if he is going to support me in the decisions I make re dmp if we are going to stay together. I just wish it was all over but I know I have to go through this to get to the other side.

On a positive though I'm managing to abstain from gambling and I know I am doing well with this so hopefully my oh will see that I am trying to make things better.

Teejay

Hi Tee Jay

Well done on keeping abstaining under the pressure of feeling insecure with your OH

Keep going stay positive and strong one day at a time

Suzanne x