Dilemma

Thank you for the posts. I think this is the longest I have gone without posting. The demons haven't crept in, which is a really good sign. I've become a Twitter user over these past few months. It actually started a trust argument with my wife. For those of you who don't know my story, gambling destroyed the trust I had with my wife). Anyway, she was looking through my Twitter account. I have nothing to hide anymore, but for some reason it made me feel uncomfortable. I asked her to stop reading. She immediately reacted in a distrustful way. She stated that my behaviour was exactly how it used to be when I was gambling. She went on to say that I have lost the right to any privacy. She is right. I abused that Trust and as such should be treated that way. I asked her how long this will be the case. Her answer was that it could be for ever. This is what happens when you totally shatter a loved ones view of you. She asked me if I was still using gamcare....which I have. After reading through the last few months she came round and everything was back to normal. This diary has helped me in so many ways and this was another example. I'm sorry for my lack of support of others at the moment. Russ

Russ,

Your wife sounds like a total fruitcake!!!. A looney !!!

Only joking and hope that your wife didn't drop her cuppa while reading this too. Mine checks in every now and then also, but I don't think she has done so in a while, like yours.

It's totally understandable given what has happened. The trust, hurt and worry will take a long time to repair, as I'm sure you have told me in the past. I do think though, that at some stage we need to pick ourselves up off the floor and claim back respect in the form of the right to privacy. To reclaim our pride and at some stage have a normal argument without finding out that it returns to trust/deceit etc.. all the time. When that is, is a really tricky one to gauge but its certaintly individual to the couple, and not one that I'm fighting myself yet.

Best of strength to you Russ and congratulations to you on your continued recovery.

Brian

Hey Russ

Thanks for the support on my diary mate. Glad you are still doing so well. Sorry that your wife is not trusting you, I'm sure that it will abate sometime.

The cricket was pretty spectactular! I had stopped following because I had assumed the draw. Looked at my phone at 5pm to see the score 46-6!! Watched the final few wickets.

I heard that the draw was matched at 1.01 on that well known exchange. Once again, feel sick for those who lost and equally glad its not me fretting over the result anymore!

Keep in touch

T+G

Russ the main man.

Thanks for the post mate. Glad to see you getting back on the golf course. I'm struggling a bit at the moment and i'm stuck at 4.5. 7 weeks until the club champs so the hard work starts now!

I'm well impressed that you have got down to around 12st. I'm still stuck at 13st 9lbs so i've got a lot of hard work to go to become as skinny as you sir!

Keep up the good work mate.

Well I haven't gambled but I have been a total idiot. I did something very stupid today that has smashed the trust I had built up with my wife.

I'm at a golf day tomorrow with work. Me and my colleague arranged to play golf at around 3pm, which mean't I had to leave the house at around 11.00am. I've felt bad that I would be playing today, tomorrow and then Saturday, while my wife has to deal with three kids (with the middle one going through a difficult time). So stupidly (and without really thinking) I decide to say that I have a few business meetings on my way down and I don't mention I'm playing golf. I even put my suit on etc. What the he'll was I thinking. Anyway, this decision was made a few day ago. She had asked me a few questions and my answers had been slightly off, which made her question what I was doing. As I was leaving she asked me if I really did have meetings....I had to come clean when pressed to say I was actually playing golf.

Now this may seem like a small thing to a normal person without a track record of lying....but for us it is massive. He ended up having a frank talk about our entire relationship. It feels that we have taken a number of steps forward only to fall back.

What was I thinking? Am I a compulsive lier as well as an ex gambler. Was it a one off event? I feel terrible for her and what I have put her through. It's brought everything back.

It just shows you the damage that gambling can do, not just to your wallet. Trust is like a broken mirror....you can fix it back together but you will always see the cracks.

I'm an idiot.

Russ, not for the first time, I think your opinion is spot on. you are an idiot.... a class a idiot...

and I get why it will be a big deal for your wife, so I think some serious making up is in order,

do you have to play the next two games, can't you miss them and look after the kids, let your wife go and do something for herself?

sorry to be harsh but I kinda think you know it already?.....

take care buddy, hope things work out OK

russ. . A couple weeks ago i was well up for a trip to Dublin and the match when on the morning i was going away my ex was unwell. .As much as i was really looking forward to that trip i gave it a miss and spent the day with the kids. .Moral of my story is golf more important than your relationship ? You adore your kids no doubting that mate BUT you do work away from home a lot as well.maybe your wife thinks you are putting your hobby before your family. .There will be other golf days surely. . Only you know your wife more than anyonr so who are we to advise mate but yes the lies and deceit of our past will sadly always be at the back of their minds. . A very awkward situation mate but one you will hopefully get round as you have been throug much worse. .Best wishes friend 😉

Russ,

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time the past day or two. As Dan and wp said, we can understand the situation 100%. It is something that we need to keep an eye out for.... dishonesty is one of those behaviours of a CG... I won't say any more because I'm preaching to the converted here.

It's bloody tough though. e.g. I'm off the smokes 5 weeks and had a cheeky smoke with a work colleague while waiting for the train. My missus asked later that night how I was doing off the smokes. Normally I'd say grand in that situation because maybe I'm a liar by nature or I think there's no harm in a little porkie. I was afraid of getting caught out, so I said I had a smoke.... now that's no deal whatsoever but I think the thought process on my part is not healthy in the long term.... I mean the living in fear part. Can we really be these honest angels in our new life forever ? Aren't little white lies what adds a sparkle or interest in a relationship ? When is a little porkie considered dishonesty ?

I'm completely clouding the subject Russ. Sorry about that. You overstepped the mark with the golf story..... it's easily done and its still far too early days to get away with that kind of stuff without armageddon kicking off.

A suggestion to you, and its something which I am doing a fair bit of work on lately. (I know you are not a fan of GA, but you can do this without going to a meeting). Step 4 of their 12 step programme... its about making a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory. The moral inventory is interesting because it probes you to look at your character traits and what other people might perceive. Honesty comes up for all CG's I guess, as well as a few other traits.

Maybe yourself and your wife could read a few short books/articles in this space...... it's done as a couple too... rather than you doing it and trying to prove your honesty to your wife.

Best of strength to you.

Brian

Thanks Dan, wp and Brian. I really appreciate your valued comments. This is the only place I can get such considered thoughts. I really to each of you over the next few days. Thank you.

I arrived back home yesterday evening. I ended up going to bed at 9pm. We have talked about most things. There was no point in going over it again. It's now a case of starting again and slowly rebuilding things. She's angry with me. I've been an idiot, said sorry and tried to explain that sometimes you take a few steps forward whilst taking one back. She said that it was a massive step back for her. That's fair enough and something I'll just need to deal with. Anyway, I'm giving her a lie in this morning as a starting point. A little thing, but hopefully it may start us on the right footing today. This is going to take a long time to fix, starting from today. Russ

Hi Russ.

Thanks for the words of support on my diary.

I would agree that you have been a bit silly with that lie you told your wife but i can see exactly why you did it. In an odd kind of way i think you probably thought you were doing the right thing by not telling her. The old what they do not know does not hurt them thing. Only when they do know it does hurt. I expect if you had been upfront in the first place then it may have been a non-issue.

That said Russ i think you need to go a bit easier on yourself. What you have achieved over the last year and a bit is marvellous. I guess only a gambler knows how hard it truly is to give up gambling and my word it is hard. There are untold numbers of husbands and fathers out there gambling the monthly mortgage and groceries away with scant regard for those that count. Not you though mate. You recognised that your gambling was hurting the ones you love and you have tackled it head on. I think you deserve every bit of credit for that.

You are a really decent bloke and you and your family have got many happy years ahead of you.

Thanks Curly, kind comments. Things are still pretty bad. Now that I've broken the trust I had built up...it appears that we are back at base level. My work has sent me to Scotland and I'm away for two nights...they couldn't have come at a worse time. When i reached the hotel I texted to say that I had arrived. My wife called me to check that I wasn't texting from the car. I then switched on the television just to try and catch the end of the grand prix....a ladies voice came on the tv and automatically I was under suspicion....I told her not to be silly and straight away we were nearly in another argument. It's tough at the moment and I just don't know how we are going to get back to anywhere near where we were.

I'm writing this as I want anybody who reads this to know want constant lying does to your partners.....and if you break that trust again (like I have then) then expect the consequences.

Russ

Russ,

Sorry to hear things are still ropey. You 'sound' very tired. Emotionally tired I expect.

I think Curly has a point Russ. I know you should have been open about it and that we need to learn to be honest, but at the end of the day, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

I would suggest, (pardon the possibility of me putting my foot in it), that this might be about your wife more than about you and the golfing event. i.e. that it is not back to square one, but it is about your wife dealing with the issues that arose during square one. Personally I think you should listen and have broad shoulders and allow her to talk rather than you defending your actions or apologising for your actions.

Here's where I really put my foot in it...... sometimes getting to the point above with my wife takes time and pain because its only after we argue/discuss other things that we get to the real issue. I wish sometimes that we could get straight to the main point from the start, but that's not the way the female brain works. Don't know if that makes any sense.... I'm sure if my missus read this, I'd be in line for a few lashes later. 🙂

Your wife and you love eachother and you have not gambled or done anything too bad Russ. You made a silly mistake.

Brian

difficult situation mate. .all i can suggest from my experience is be patient .She will hopefully come round in her own time. .Chin up dude she knows your not a bad guy 🙂

Hey Russ, how's things ?

Hope its all blown over a bit.

Brian

Things have taken a turn for the better and we seem to be back on track. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend, which has really helped. Life is good again after a horrible week and a bit. I did have a wee gambling thought the other day....not an urge...I just wondered how many people had backed England at very short odds with 5 minutes to go in the under 21 game? They conceded two late goals. It just goes to show that gambling is a mugs game. Russ