Dilemma

Another fall out this evening. It's so up and down at the moment. Sometimes we seem to get on really well and then suddenly it's all becomes painful. I know that if she read this note....she would say, poor you....feeling sorry for yourself, well you brought this all on yourself and it's your fault I feel that I can't trust you...it's you messing with my head that makes me like this. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin at the moment. I feel like I'm treading on eggshells. Some times you might act guilty because you feel guilty even though you haven't done anything...if that makes sense. I know most of you will say....give it time Russ, be patient, have broad shoulders. Yes, you are all right....what else can I do. Like I say, we do have good times, but the undercurrent is always there. Once again....if you do read my diary, please take note of what you can do to your wife when you break the trust. This is going to take years to fix.

Hi Russ.

Sorry to see you are still having troubles at home. I hope that Mrs Russ will have the sense to see that you are a good guy and that you are working hard to put things right. You should not be punished indefinitely for mistakes that you have made in the past.

You are nearing 15 months without a bet now mate. A super effort.

sorry to read your latest post russ. .If its any consolation i ve been there done that and bought t shirt. .So frustrating friend not sure what can be advised. .Like our good friend Seano once advised me it IS all about patience as (without rubbing it in) im starting to see light at end of my tunnel. Hang in there mate we re winning biggest battle and that can only reap rewards 😉

Russ,

Just bumping you to page one again.

Hope you are doing well my friend.

Hope also that you are walking tall and proud because you are doing great and deserve some praise.

It's sad to hear things are ropey at home. As you've said to me, it will pass. That grief pendulum seems to have been swinging in your direction for some time now. Hope you are not taking it too personally because it can get both of you down.

Brian

Hello Russ

The good Russ always shines through, persevere marrah us cumbrians are made of the finest stock.... Strength and honour

Thanks Curly, wp, Brian and Paul the legend. What a collection of inspirational people. Curly, the man who kept on going back to gambling again and again until the penny finally dropped. wp who lost his money and family and is on the verge of winning it all back through sheer guts and determination. Brian who lost his savings and the trust of his wife, yet through GA, support from his wife and a honest approach is paying back those debts and mending his marriage. Lastly, Pauls who had lost his self esteem, wife and hit his rock bottom. His latest post is worth a read and shows how a massive negative can be turned around to a positive. Thanks again for your support.

As for me, well things have again taken a turn for the better. We had another big heart to heart. It feels like we have turned a corner again. I feel happy and so does she. This diary is called 'dilemma', yet looking back, it's been about building the trust back in my marriage. Giving up gambling has actually been the easy part......giving up lying has been harder.

On another matter, I have my yearly corporate trip to York races on Friday. I'm not concerned or complacent. I have to say that I was bored on my last visit. I'll be drinking this time in order to get through it. I used to love a day at the races but it was purely down to the gambling.

Anyway, thanks again to you all.

Russ

Hi Russ.

I'm not worried about you at all with regards to your forthcoming trip to the races. You already passed this particular test last year and i have to say that i drew great inspiration from that prior to my recent trip to Haydock.

Just go easy on the drink though pal. If ever the little devil is going to try to lure you into the betting ring then he will find it easier if your inhibitions are tempered by alcohol.

On the golfing front i have to report that after a 70 at the weekend i am down to 4.0. You are going to have to pull your finger out if you are going to be lower than me by the end of the year!

Keep up the great work buddy.

A day at the races for a non gambler, I can barely contain my excitement! I need to decide what to say when people ask me why I'm not gambling.....or do I pretend to gamble and just head off to the loo each time! I'll probably just say that I don't gamble anymore. After a few beers, the other people won't even care.....they probably don't care anyway. The most important thing is to not gamble. I've done this day before, as well as 4 days in Vegas....so it can and will be done!

Well done on coming on here this morning before you head off to the races. Good move.

People won't care about whether you bet or not. Personally I'd tell them that you don't bet anymore.... but you love a good day out.

Brian

Hi Russ... I agree with Brian, if people ask just say you don't gamble anymore. Keep it matter of fact.. no need to make an issue out of it. Chances are people are to consumed with their own gambling to care whether you are gambling or not. I think when gambling people disappear into their own gambling bubble.

Thanks for your support by the way. I hope that sometime soon i can find some work that suits me better than being at the heavy and challenging end of care. Anyways hope you had an enjoyable day overall.. cheers.. S.A

Thanks SA and Brian. I'm back safe and gamble free from a day at York races. I've got to be honest, I did have significant urges to place a bet. Even 16 months on my mind was trying to urge me into it. Go on, you can bet sensibly now, just 10 pounds a race. I'm afraid that I played along with the game rather than saying I don't gamble anymore. I'm very precious of my reputation at work and I didn't want anything to effect that.....deep down I know they wouldn't care. Maybe one day I'll have the strength. Russ

Hi Russ,

Thanks for the post on my diary. I gave a lot of time this morning to thinking about what you said and I do agree those first few week/months can be very fragile and I know first hand how important building momentum is. I would add though that before anyone can really commit to the abstinance route, there has to be a firm acceptance of the fact that controlled gambling is really, really not possible for them. It is impossible to go through life without bumping into fellow gamblers in the office, on the street, at the football etc and so CGs are always going to be exposed to controlled gambling, be it on here or in 'real life'. That said I still would not like to be that person you mention who tips someone the wrong way and so I do always try to be tactful and constructive in what I say on here. The main thing is that this site provides a route to a better life for as many people as possible by whatever means best for them. I'd still like to think I have the right to receive that benefit to, even if my path is different from most.

Very best wishes and congratulations on how far you have come.

Eyes X

P.S. I felt for you on the 'reputation' issue. It's something I went through myself.

OK, time for some reflection. Something 'my diary' Brian wrote and a thread on another forum has made me think and reflect. It's been 17 months since my last gamble and I feel a long way away from where I was then.

I'm a selfish person, always have been. Over the years I have adapted myself to be less selfish and having 3 children under the age of 6 helps with this. HOWEVER, I still feel that deep down it's about me. This is why my betting became out of hand. Yes, I've always gambled since the age of 15, but it came to the fore when I needed a 'bit of me time'.....selfish time. If I was stressed with the kids getting up at all hours or crying or misbehaving, it didn't matter as I always had that bet to look forward to. It just so happened to coincide with a new position at work which paid significantly better + I was out on the road, which gave me countless opportunities to gamble. It was my release. I'm older, more mature and wiser these days. If I feel stressed, I go for a run. The selfish streak is still there.....sometimes I put myself first and I wish I could be selfless.

The second area for reflection is how I started gambling. How on earth is it legal for a child to play on a 5 pound fruit machine? Is a child aloud to have a half of lager in a pub? I started gambling at Bognor Regis arcades.....this lead to me catching a train to Portsmouth to play in the arcades. I still remember the excitement of going over there. I then asked old members of the golf club to feed the fruity for me. I would go up there with 5 pounds. 50p would be spent on a coke, 20p on a round of toast and the rest in the machine. I would steal change from my mothers purse to supplement this. When I hit 18 most of my hard earned washing up money went into the fruitie at the golf club. All this started as a result of legalised gambling for children. I admit that I had that 'gambling chip' in my head.....but it was encouraged to be activated at a young impressionable age.

It's good to be able to reflect on my past life.....I gambled for 17 years. I no longer gamble.

Russ

Some might say it is bad to look in the past, I would agree if it is only to dwell on past mistakes or to generate self-loathing. The past can help us change the future by looking at past behaviour and looking for areas of change.

Presonally, I think this emotional change/ behavioural change / physical change is what will transform our recoveries from being 'not gambling' to 'recovering'. I don't care much for why I gambled but more why I couldn't stop gambling or why I used gambling in my life. What can I change to fulfil these needs at a basic level ? Perhaps even to be aware of those needs will suffice and to be able to talk about them.

Keep it up Russ. All deep stuff.

Brian

Brilliant post Russ.

You took me right back to the time when i was 17 and i was stealing pound coins out of my dads pocket just so that i could play the fruity in the nearest pub. I think i was hooked from the very first spin and i did plenty of things that i am not proud of to fuel my thirst for a few spins.

It's taken me 17 years to come to my senses as well Russ and i feel infinitely richer for it. How good it is to say that we no longer gamble.

Loving your work Russ.