Done it before, can do it again…

Day 1 ✅

In the past the cycle has been: suffer a big loss, feel such sickness and self-loathing for giving in to gambling so easily and letting my family down, then the determination to stop. However, many times I have also woken up the following day knowing full well that I would try and win my losses back. Delusional.

Today I woke up feeling positive about stopping, it feels like a real turning point - back in work after the Christmas period off so it was good to be busy and have some structure back.

Day 1 in the books and on to the next!

Day 3 ❌ 

Tonight was the first big challenge where I had an overwhelming urge all afternoon and evening as soon as I finished work to gamble. I tried to summon as much strength as I could, but the desire to gamble became all encompassing and I took the easy way out. 

I knew this journey was not going to be easy, but I am absolutely gutted to have failed so early in the process. However, I will not let it break me and will learn from this.

Day 1 ✅

So desperate to be better; I’ve reached out for some counselling to help me through this journey today and just waiting for an initial assessment call. Some part of me wanted to do this all by myself, but how many more Day 1s will it take for me to realise that I need help.

Won’t pretend the thoughts of chasing my loss from yesterday didn’t enter my mind today, but kept active and busy and I think that will be the key to getting through this.

Feeling positive.

Hi @LT thank you for sharing your experience to date that displays your determination and commitment to yourself to understanding your relationship to gambling and to reduce any gambling harms. It sounds like you are having a difficulty time when the urges present to gamble but doing your best to not succumb to the temptation which is all part of the recovery process that helps you to identify what your triggers and high risk situations are, so continue to be patient with yourself.

I would encourage you when experiencing the urges to reach out and contact the 24 hour Helpline to speak with and Advisor about how you are feeling at that time as it will help you to explore what is going on in real time and also to reduce to anticipation and adrenalin that comes with the urge.

You are of the right mindset for where you want to go as you know to reach out for support which can only further strengthen your recovery capital of resources towards the steps in achieving your goals.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Rets

Forum Admin

Thanks for the support!

Day 2 ✅

Truthfully, today felt comfortable. No situations that triggered any urges by the time that I had any time to myself!

I think the financial repercussions of my actions hit me this morning. I’ve always found it easy to justify a big bet - but the sheer volume has caught up with me. As such, I’ve reached out to my Mum to take out a loan on my behalf; something I’m really not proud of, but there are various higher percentage loans and cards that I have accumulated and consolidating those would make life easier. 

Can’t help but question how I have got myself back here - but trying hard not to dwell on the situation and instead putting myself in the best place to do better.

Day 3 ✅

Proud to tick another day off, but it has definitely been a day of highs and lows.

The highs are that I felt more present than I have done recently with my family - rather than spending my time researching my bets, checking scores and watching matches, I was able to enjoy the time without gambling being at the forefront of my mind. 

The lows came in the form of conversations with my family about my gambling; their support is amazing, but you can sense their devastation and disappointment. I can’t change anything now, but I can continue to make positive strides forward. I still haven’t told my wife about the extent of my gambling - things feel a challenge at the moment between us sometimes, without adding this to the mix. The thought of telling her terrifies me, but I’m going to park that one for the time being.

Looking forward to another gamble-free day tomorrow. 

Day 4 ✅

Tough day; with gambling, for once, not being the main culprit. Life at home is a real challenge at the moment - gambling is usually my coping mechanism when real life feels hard, so I need to make sure I just sit with the situation, rather than taking the easy way out (that only every makes things infinite times worse).

Not much more to say - can’t say I feel positive right now, but another day gamble-free is something good to take from the day.

Well done on getting through the first few days! Don't worry I think all of us have fallen off the wagon in our first attempts, its about keep coming back! Good luck 🙂

Day 7 ✅

Been very busy for the last few days; urges have been very manageable and really pleased to have got my first gamble-free week for a long time ticked off.

Crazy how when you’re in the throes of addiction, you’ll see no way out and everything seems so futile - the feeling I had was that the only way to deal with this was to get back to square one by putting more and more money on. Even when things weren't as intense, the thought of not betting on a football match gave me such a feeling of missing out. Now I’m feeling more clarity, things don’t seem as all-consuming or devastating.

Ive got my first counselling session on Friday - feeling quite eager to talk through everything with someone that understands what I’m going through. Gambling aside, I’m a pretty rational person so I’m hoping that understanding my triggers and putting some tools in place to combat them will just strengthen my resolve.

Day 10 ✅

Had my first 1-1 counselling session yesterday; felt good to be open and honest about how I was feeling. She was fairly brutal with me - which I think I need to an extent.. Not sure if I was slightly in denial about the severity of my problem, but that was made abundantly clear during the call. Not always a great recipient of the tough approach, but it’s absolutely needed sometimes too.

The only thing I cannot consider right now is telling my wife - it seems like a no-brainer to fully initiate the recovery process by telling her, but things are such a challenge at the moment as it is, I just cannot bring this level of debt in to the situation - genuinely fear it would end us. 

On a positive note, although I’ve been aware of football matches on - and honestly my gambling brain goes straight to making speculations about results, scores, corners etc. I couldn’t have been further from actually pursuing a bet today so it feels good to be in that space at the moment. One day at a time - feeling strong.

Hey LT

im on Day 1 after many tried and failed attempts to stop gambling.

Well done on getting to day 7, I’m a week behind you 🙂

Em, just read your diary - resonated a lot with me. Although slots wasn’t my poison, the self-hatred and guilt for the addiction and succumbing to the urges can be so consuming. Still so early on in the process, but even so, I feel so much more positive about the situation and am being kinder to myself - I hope this is a feeling you relate to in the coming days and weeks. We can do it!

Day 12 ✅

Feeling much happier - making more positive decisions and as a result, just feeling so much better about myself. Training is a big part of my life and I’m back in a consistent routine, signing up for a race in May - the more I was gambling, the more I would miss a training session to watch the football, or feel so down that I couldn’t drag myself out the house. No wonder there was always the feeling of a negative spiral.

More importantly than that though, I’m just feeling so much more patience and tolerance with my kids. Much more present and generally just a better Dad - this is something I’ve always prided myself on, and it breaks me that my gambling affected this, but more determined than ever to maintain this.

My mum is looking for reassurance that I’m not gambling and that I won’t give in to the urges - I completely understand where she’s coming from as it’s her loan to pay off, but all I can do is keep building day by day and hopefully that will earn back her trust.

Day 14 ✅

Very proud to be two weeks GF - the longest I have managed since I started gambling again in July. Absolutely not one to get carried away, but nice to finally be feeling good about myself in the context of gambling.

Had a dream I placed a bet on the football the other night, woke up with that sicky, devastated feeling - stark reminder not only of the feeling of placing a bet, but also how it floats around my head even when I’ll go hours without thinking about it.

Urges feel controlled - wouldn’t really call them urges as I don’t feel a compulsion to place a bet, instead I just get the odd reminder of what could be happening when I see there is football on. Counselling session on Friday; happy to be going in to it knowing I haven’t made any silly decisions!