Don't Turn Around

Thanks for the comments, reading the diaries I see a good few people are struggling with the addiction at the moment. Q: Why is that ? A: Because it is very very very hard to stop. Q: Why dont you just stop, simple ? A: If only it was that easy. Q: Why Not ? A: I have been gambling for as long as I can remember, 1p fruit machines at Chessington Zoo around 40 years ago, going horse racing with your parents, standing outside the betting shop waiting for your Dad, longing for the day one day when you was allowed to go in there. the blacked out shops where cigarette smoke would waft out the door every time someone would go in or out, if Dad won he would maybe give me 10p for some football stickers, fingers crossed. Luckily for my Dad bookies opened at around 10-11am and closed around 4pm so was never open that long, but was he addicted, d**n right, I only ever took in when he won or when he and my Mum would watch the few televised races on a Saturday, so growing up with your 50p on Red Rum in the National and getting a £5 note, wow horse racing was cool, free money equals lots of Argentina 78 stickers. Thats why I really had to go in deep after my last relapse, I know that from a young age that I was going to like gambling. Onto secondary school a trip from Balham to Clapham Junction, passing Tony’s Cafe with the Eachway Nudger machine should I leave early for school and risk my 50p lunch money or wait till I get to Clapham Junction and go on the machines in the platform Cafes, suffice to say most days at school I never had Lunch. First ever Saturday job was £7 a day close to home and on the way home from working all day would be to pop into the Chinese Takeaway that had a fruit machine and most times my seven £1 notes vanished as they would happily change my notes for 10p coins. Then leaving school an apprentice Electrician, but that was YTS and only £37 a week, I needed a better job, I needed gambling money for the fruit machines in the Pubs, £1 after £1 chasing £4.80 in tokens not even real money. So I done jobs where I was getting more, I was already at 17 addicted to fruit machines. Then betting shops, Lucky 15’s every Saturday with other bets, I had some bad losses in my 20’s and 30’s always kept it hidden my secret but was doing good own business and keeping busy, always going on the machines in Pubs, Horse Racing, Dogs whatever really. Married at 34, beautiful daughter, still gambled but not much, getting married and building a home had calmed me down, enjoying a day at the races for what it was not hungry for a big payday. So November 2014 and a divorce and all the mess, won’t go into all that but this was my downfall as I was let off the lead now addiction who had been kept contained was loose, I had no debts and around £23k in the bank, I bought stuff went on Holidays but its money I never before really had access too such sums, some nights would lose a grand win two, lose 400, win 700, but thats the cycle up and down but it was more or less every day or night, any alone time available, the pot is dwindling down and by the Summer of 2015, I find myself applying for a 3k loan(I just stopped and shook my head there, am I really writing this down) on and onto Summer of 2016 a £7,500 loan, and then in November of 2016 moving to London another loan £25,000(Mad !!!!!! and Why) 2 credit cards and some strange belief I can win big money, the same dreams of a boy putting 1p to win the 20p Jackpot. Worse thing was this is when the addiction had me I was betting big like the folks I was obsessed with watching on YouTube, if I could emulate some of there videos I could stop and get out, but I was addicted to gambling, the highs and the oh no one away senarios and guess what it had dwindled away, another £25,000 added to a mortgage and now I am so deep in the mire and daily I would hope for a miracle, the magic spin, the run of amazing luck, until August when the road ran out and I came to Gamcare, if I never would I have taken the easy way out, maybe I was definitely low enough, whats the point was always my first thought when my eyes would open. So whats happened since then, a lot of reading, a lot of searching, has gambling gone away? No chance it does not just go away I wish it would, like most compulsive gamblers it haunts you it is continually present and it knows when to haunt you, like it did in December when I was not strong enough to resist and it quickly took money from me and like I said in that post I was saying “No, No” as I was depositing. Stopping gambling is very very difficult as you are lost in the world of money for nothing, you’ve had it the win, the big win and the mega win, and you want it again and again, like a drunk wants alcohol or a drug addict wants drugs. At times it seems like there is no way to turn there are dead ends everywhere and its difficult to keep going but we have to. Gambling ruins lives daily and people are taking their own lives as it has finally beaten them, a lot of folks here were close to just that, I’ve even had that thought. I got to 128 days GF before I acted on its callings and am now into 52 days of the second half and I want to end the game beating gambling, every single day is hard as you can get no warning and before you know it your gambling. Get away from it don’t think about it don’t watch it for fun, distance yourself from it or anyone else partaking in it, d**n I never meant to write all this, it was just a check in. d**n. Day 52.

Thank you for sharing that Smashed. Such a sad story which illustrates the insidious nature of gambling addiction.

Hard hitting facts, emotional turmoil and crazy delusions. You have portrayed compulsive gambling in a way most of us can relate to. Take care...stephen

Hi Smashed thanks for posting such an honest account of what you've been through, lots of familiar threads and feelings. Your acknowledgement of your addiction is key and the turning point of wanting to change. I spent so long just thinking 'this is ok' but I was just in denial and then hit the brick wall of 'everything is s***, I'm a failure etc' So true that everyday is hard, some days are bright others are dark but we can ride this out with the one rule of staying GF. Take care my friend Sx

Thanks for your comments, I am still striving, no gambling and keeping busy to quell any gambling thoughts and have past sixty days, difficult but going back there always is the same outcome so no point, aware of it's moves and keeping vigilent to stay GF.

Gambling addiction really is a nasty piece of work, like I've said before it won't just go away. It plays with your thoughts constantly trying to trip you up, makes you totally disregard monetary value and will convince your mind that your next deposit will be the one. It won't because win lose or draw you will keep going and will not let you win as you will keep going trapped in the cycle, struggling today as it's haunting me majorly and it's taking all my mind power to resist the lures it's pushing to my thoughts, sixty six days into chapter two and today more than the previous sixty five it is on a full on assault to make me step over the line. Gambling you are not nice and I can and will not let you pull me back. 🙁

Thanks for posting on my diary and sorry to read you are having troubles with your gambling urges and thoughts. I have for so many years also suffered like many and have buckled to those thoughts and urges. All we can do is just keep trying to repel them. For me I am determined to never gamble again but a life time of no relapses is very daunting. Well done on being strong and for not allowing gambling to pull you back in.

Wilsy

I am finding gambling a lot more difficult to remove from my thoughts this second time around, whereas first time around my main focus was just totally despising all its mean and sneaky tricks to basically rob us. But after that relapse it seems like a troll is trapped in my mind like it’s whispering in my ear telling me that I've failed for another time. Waiting for me to fail again and getting angry as i resist it’s orders to deposit. This happens when I think about all the wasted money and I am not focusing on my business aspirations and listening to those old thoughts of wins and bonus rounds and scatters and free spins and lucky numbers and blah blah. Not moaning just thought I would write it down. Gambling for me does not bring me anything but misery, I am on the ODAAT strategy and not looking back, it’s difficult but it does not want me to get away.

Was reading up on Gamban and saw a few users recommend it so went for it on the computer and the phone and so far so good, a £10 a year licence is good value for putting a few temptation barriers around the internet, and if your a student or studying you can get it for free, or promo code ‘gamban1’ offers a one month as a trial before you need to pay. Good, feels like I just booted that troll before bed. 🙂

Hello Smashed. So sorry to read of your ongoing struggle with the addiction. It is difficult at the best of times but when our minds are constantly pestered by thoughts of gambling than it can seem intolerable.

I sincerely hope you can keep going forward. In time the urges should lessen as you get stronger.

Wishing you well over the coming week...stephen

Another week passes and has been a lot better as far as urges go, iv'e seen a lot of posts saying it's more than willpower and even something as simple as a blocker has made a big difference. Any kind of barrier to prevent you is definately worth it, as a gambling mind works independantly to the rational mindset and can come for you at any time, an email, any small trigger and the gambling mind can take over and once your in the control of it the devestation be it £10 or thousands it still had you it still overided all your non gambling thoughts and laughed as you pressed start, spin, deal or place bet or whatever. 77 days. Phew. Keep going. Keep your distance. Dont Gamble.

Gambling does not like you blocking all of its paths, although I put a blocker on the computer in the back of my mind I knew I had bootcamp and could just boot up to Windows and I would be off, so gambling is like a tree even of you fully chop itdown the roots still remain to quickly reform, when I woke up this morning I deleted that partition and cut another major route back in, and after all its done to me it still won't leave me and wants me back, gambling addiction is messed up its hard to beat, keep on keeping on.

78 Days today is it, cracking work my friend, really impressive, keep it going!

Wilsy

Hi Smashed

It's great to see you are doing well and now 78 days gamble free. Just checking in to say hello.

Take care

46 and Out

Hi Smashed thanks for posting and congrats on 78 dsy! I find your did thought provoking and compassionate to others, so thank you J don't think about gambling much these days which is the opposite to when I started when I woke up thinking about it and likewise going to sleep. Makes me sad when I think of how much brain space I wasted, oh and money. But I know now the only direction is forward. Take care Sx

Heard a quote today about gambling which I liked.

Unfortunately once your hooked. The more you win the more you play. The more you lose the more you play.

The vicious cycle of if you've lost the ability to know when to stop, then you have become addicted to Gambling, and facing up to an addiction is very difficult.