Monte Carlo or bust?

Hey, think I'm talking to myself, think I do that a lot. Feel I'm invisible. Well I have a valid opinion and I am a good person, you just don't know me. So I'm up looking on here and I see despair. I'm so sorry that there are so many affected by this. This is only a snapshot on here, many more out there not seen. So I finished my book it quoted 100 days, one of the characters was a compulsive gambler in 1823! And my name was an explorer. I enjoyed that book so much, a best read and now I'm sad it's over. These are simple pleasures for me, I don't go out much , try not to spend too much money. Money makes me anxious, can cause a panic, a meltdown. My cg wants to spend. That's how it's affected me. But..... the sun is out, going for my walk. Need to find a new book, have one written by guy used to come to our meeting 'tails I lose'. I find reading therapeutic it will give me more insight.

Hi deano not intentionally. I used to listen to a lot of his stuff. Recovery is on the pc so I'll get someone to pop it on my phone. I just googled the lyrics, think everyone on here, cg, wife, mother, child, could read it/ listen to it. Hits it on the head, struggle, bottom, denial, alone, insane. As wife you have your own struggle. Rock bottom too. Are we addicted to you? Funny Eminem story, my son had to have MRI at 10. Machine has DVD, music etc for kids to watch, it was broken. So consultant said you can listen to your own music if you've got iPod. My son says yes, dr says what music do you listen to? Son shrugs, Eminem. Dr looks at me and says does your mum know? It was a funny moment in a stress situation. Look for the happiness in everyday is a motto from someone in my meeting, that's what we should all do!

Afternoon Merry,

Pleased to see you have started a diary it will be a good place to get things of your chest.

I noticed Deano's post got removed that's no reflection on you. He and gamcare decided to part ways and it appears he set up another account and admin have closed it down.

It's great you're standing by your man and 100 days is a great start it's going to have its up and downs, probably more down to start with but they do become less the longer you both recover. Hopefully you and he are starting to see so benefits even after a relatively short time.

I've read tail I lose and it's one of the better books out there so I'm sure you will enjoy it.

Keep reading and posting I will certainly be following your diary.

KTF

Hi ktf now I want to know what he did?!? Thx for your post, I've been on this journey a long time, used to go to gamanon 12 years ago. Went religiously! 2 years. Took my eye off the ball though and let trust in my heart. Oh foolish one am I? I've had finance all that time so relapses have been manageable. He's 103 days back to GA. It's peaceful today.

Nothing exciting Merry, let's just say he used inappropriate language once to often and kept getting told off and closed his account. I'd imagine he saw no one had responded to you so thought he would and admin noticed.

You enjoy the rest of the day which I'm sure will remain peaceful.

Hi MGR, I was gonna respond to your "where do you belong?" thread but I thought this was a better place now that you're set up with your own diary...Good to see you here, if a little surprised to see that the title was from a loved one!

Is there a chance that he told his Mum to try & wriggle out of telling you? If my life is anything to go by my mum (a CG like me) has been bailed out a number of times by my Nan (her mum) & she has almost bullied my Nan into not telling me. Now my Nan is a tough old goat (term of endearment...she likes it) but she is reduced to tears (of shame) on the rare occasions I have had to be told because Mum has over borrowed & put her in an unmanageable spot. I have begged, pleaded, grovelled, shouted over the years, all to no avail & even asking in my inside voice for Nan to tell me before she opens her purse has fallen on deaf ears. "She's still my daughter!" being one of the most uncomfortable phrases you can hear from a woman in her 80's trying to hold it together. My mother's friends are all the same...None of them speak to her now because she has burned all her bridges where they continued to lend after I told them to speak to me 1st & then stopped bailing her out when they didn't.

I understand you wanting to stand by your husband but being angry @ his mother for his failings won't fix what is broken. My Nan abhors gambling. When I finally came clean with her a few months ago, I could almost feel her setting out from home to drag me down to GA & yet for my entire life she has never been able to get through to my mum. Had to watch her working half a dozen jobs when we were little, seen her teeth deteriorating to the point she had to have dentures, watched her disappear for days & nights on end, not showering because she was in action. It's not his mum you are really angry @. What could she tell you that would make this ok anyway? You don't know what he's told them about you & maybe sitting down & telling her just how awful you are feeling may touch a nerve but he's her boy & she may just end up hurting you more!

For a long time after I came here, I was mad @ my mum for never trying to get me to get help despite her stupid laugh whenever she pointed out I was "much worse" than her but the truth is all I ever wanted from anyone then was money. I don't know if support whilst I was in action would have been worthwhile but I know I couldn't do recovery without it. Sometimes, I wish I had told my Nan years ago, I may have been forced to accept I had a problem sooner but mostly I am hugely grateful for the way my recovery has turned out. I have met people here, a different time a different place that I wouldn't have met & whilst some have let me down, others have been incredible & I have learned something from every single one of them.

Financially the relapses at your end may be manageable but life & work are entwined & gambling is an escape mechanism so any therapy he has had for whatever reason will be relevant. I'm not sure you're being over sensitive but it feels like you're looking for answers that your CG either doesn't have the balls to give or doesn't know. The GA literature talks of people who don't always get to the bottom of why but it doesn't stop us working the program & to my mind part of that is being honest with those around us in all aspects of our lives. I don't see how we can make amends without it & that's where the recovery really comes. Going to meetings because your family want you to is very different to working the program & no amount of faith in him can make him do that so somehow, if you do want to stand by him, you have to figure out how to separate your feelings into ones that you can control & work on those. You are in recovery & the serenity prayer is good for that, especially when you are in the habit of talking yourself round in circles. His gambling isn't anyone's 'fault' - his recovery is in his hands just like yours is in yours - ODAAT

Hey it's good to see a non-cg in the diaries....and why not??? Writing is a huge release for me, rambling on and on (as you've now discovered....sorry) about absolutely everything.

In my mind I see the addiction as a tree, and the roots buried deep underground are the far reaching aftermath, the people and things affected. The bigger and stronger the tree the deeper the roots travel.

I understand what you said about feeling invisible. I feel that too, like you want this to be about how you feel, just for once. I don't think it ever will be. I think we will always live in the far bigger and more important shadow of that enormous tree and I have no idea how to feel the sunlight.

When will we ever feel like we matter more?

Secrets and lies! That's how I describe my relationship with my cg and all his family. It's a tolerated relationship with his mother. His father is dead and lied to me often but also told me I was a stupid woman on many occasions. I'm angry at his mother because after 20 years she still will not speak to me about anything important. She'll ask me why aren't you going on holiday? I know the game, he tells her he gambles but not how much. It's irrelevant to my daily life because she isn't in it. But just sometimes it riles me. When I had therapy it always reverted back to my father. I worked out I was just disappointed because he left and lived abroad. That's how I feel about my MIL. She would have a far better relationship with her son if she treated me with respect. Anyway I had a peaceful day yesterday my cg was in a productive mood! Gardening, clean car and then he went for a run. This is time for him to think. When he came back he sat with his head in his hands and apologised. Apologised for all the pain and trouble he'd given me. So that's a good thing, a move forward. But seeing is believing and him being more active at home is noticeable. Even he said usually he'd be constantly checking his phone or iPad for sports results. It must be difficult now the football season back in full swing. Anything is better than an angry, irritable, antisocial person.

Bust, probably. Such has been my experience.

BW,

CW

Living with an addict, well what can I say. There was some progress an apology, a few days peace. The 'teens' were away over weekend so that's why so peaceful. They're back!! My cg and daughter don't see eye to eye. He's so insensitive winding her up, tormenting her. She's so angry at him that sparks fly and off they go. He doesn't listen, doesn't care how anyone else feels. So I have him throwing a tantrum 'don't talk to me, I'm going to my room' slamming doors. Then I've got her sobbing 'daddy doesn't care how I feel, doesn't care about us'. So that's what it's like. I try and make peace, try and make him face reality, make him deal with this, make him talk. You have to learn when to pick your moments, don't fuel the fire, talk when it's calm. The thing that annoys me is that he doesn't see the emotional damage. He doesn't care, removes himself so he doesn't face it. So they talk, calm down. He says he can't deal with it emotionally. It never crosses his mind that maybe we can't deal with it either. There's no appreciation that we are here putting up with this. So today all will be calm, everyone on their best behaviour.

You're treading on egg shells MGR & it's crazy that your daughter is voicing concerns that you must be having? What is he giving you or the kids that's worth hanging round for? I know you are @ Gamanon but have you ever had any counselling? From the outside looking in neither he nor his family are giving you something a healthy relationship requires, respect. Why would you expect appreciation from him when it seems he can't even look you in the eye & be honest. You deserve more than hoping for everyone to be on their best behaviour!

I left home @ 14, I thought to be with my Aunt (great Aunt actually & she was) but the reality, looking back, is, although there wasn't physical violence, the chaos of addiction was doing my head in! I am a compulsive gambler, there's no getting away from that but there's also no way of getting away from how cold I am...I spent so long forming relationships with inanimate objects (machines) that I don't know how to bond with humans. There's more than your marriage vows @ stake here & I could cry for your daughter because perhaps if someone had loved me enough to get help, I might not be this bitter & twisted now. I understand you don't want to leave him but you really do deserve more!

Hi odaat I hear you. More what though? He can't be that person overnight. He's unfeeling because that's his coping mechanism. I've had therapy all they want you to talk about is your childhood. I've spent my life walking on eggshells not upsetting my mother, putting up with an absent father who just feels sorry for himself now he's 80 living 6000 miles away from us. We all make bad choices. My cg and my daughter need to learn to deal with each other. They need to be nice. He's also bipolar 2. She's bullied at school. We've all got baggage. I don't believe walking away and causing more misery heartache and lining the pockets of a solicitor is what I want. When I did have therapy they told me it was pointless unless he changed. He's had therapy all he talked about was work. It's not madness everyday. That's just a snapshot of their arguments. This is a place for me to talk. Is it really better for us all to walk away? It might be worse. Nobody knows. Whether e stay together or not my daughters father will always be a compulsive gambler. That's a tough call. They're going out today to spend time together. That's all she wants.

Although I'm gobsmacked that you say she needs to "be nice" this isn't my fight so I will wish you well & leave you in peace.

The problem is that none of this situation , His Gambling, Your feeling's , your husbands behaviour and the way He and your daughter clash has happened overnight has it ? and none of it will be put right in the blink of an eye .

Each thing or issue that's going on is complex in it's own right but then manifests as it gathers the Ripple effect throughout the family circle , it's so intertwined that it's difficult to know where to begin untangleing it all .

Maybe it's a question of dealing with the one thing that causes greatest concern first and work your way down the list ? .

Your right that we all have " Issues and " Baggage " that needs to be dealt with but you can only tackle one thing at a time !