Don't Turn Around

Day 115

I know myself, and no one can tell me different. Keeping that thought is what you always have to keep in your mind, I have taken a long time to realise that, have gone somewhere where I didn't want to go, listened to someone who I know I am looking at but dont give a flying monkeys what they are talking about, and how that relates to gambling reveals the same answer. I am wasting my time. My Time. Someone who knows what they want to do but was trapped in the game, and combine that with booze and compulsive gambling to become well and truly trapped, fools eh. But now 115 days in the wasted time I gave to gambling and unacceptable drinking habits have been diminished, I can see paths and equipping myself to walk those paths head held high new boots and a smile and determination, and people may try and block that path, if they do I will just stand there until they move as I know whats at the end of that path. Contentment.

Day 117

Is it really one hundred and seventeen days since I threw my laptop into the wall and Smashed it into all those pieces, my main gambling tool took the hit as I finally realised the money had ran out, what a f****r gambling really is, like any other addiction very easy to get into and extremely hard to exit. And escaping gambling feels like The Maze Runner (film) as once your in it does definately not want to let you out. And if you get out the enticements to come back in to the maze ramp up, free spins, free bonus money, promotions, whatever it takes to lure you back, even if you excluded your number and email have been sold off to other preadators keen to lure you back to another place. Have a good weekend, dont gamble, do not give into temptation, be strong, stay positive and use your head to take you to a place of good good :-).

Congrats on 117 days. You are propelling yourself forward, further away from the gambling past. And with incredible posts which many of us can relate to, simply because it comes from the heart. It tells the story with all the gory details. A minefield of emotions, and a strong message to behold.

Day 120

A good weekend no gambling thoughts at all, but hit by a few unexpected parking fines which are always such a pain to get, a d**k Turpin tax on people just trying to do a job watched by cameras like eagles on poles. I heard a good quote on Sunday "Know who you are by knowing where you've been" we have to learn that we can can eaisly get trapped in the repeat cycle, or the gambling time healer phase, I'm due a big win, or any of the other stupid brain tricks we can fall for. In the past getting a fine or a bill you didn't feel you deserve would always be a way in for the Gambling Mind to tell you "I got this" and then pay it and it's like you never got it, and would Xmas a few weeks away I would say right lets win the fines and then I'll be good. Not any more addiction I dont listen to you as your just as bad as the crooked councils infact your in the same leauge. Gambling we are divorced, I still have to listen to you from time to time but we will never ever be an item again, you took a lot from me but you'll never take another thing from me.

Nice post mate. Sums it up really. You're proving that it's YOU in control this time, by dispelling the dissolusion and false justification.

I accidentally posted this one twice! So as I'm unable to delete the post, this is my editted version.

My thought for the day: Personal power and confidence derives not only from thoughts of abstinence, but acknowledgement of the undeniable problems and misery caused by gambling.

Thanks for posting on my diary Smashed. Interesting reading your posts and plenty of food for thought.

It's a good point you make that being gamble free opens up other doors. In fact everything looks different when we're not gambling. Without the cravings, selfishness and greed we can go about our business in a more productive way.

We need to stay on this road with our GamCare friends.

Use that anger to your advantage Smashed. Visualise your laptop smashing into a thousand tiny pieces. Remember the crashing sounds reverberating within the confined space. Feel the anger. Taste those tears. Gambling can*u*k off to leave you with the will to live your life with respect and dignity. You got it mate.

Three 0 Clock in the morning and I'm sitting here in the place where I shouldnt be, I cant lie, Ive let myself sucumb to something I thought I had sussed, what a waste of all that time, getting to a good place, a few things happened a few drinks and home alone and well total and utter b******t and £750 of what 100% I dont have has gone, what a mug, back to day one, what a total P***k, sorry.

Hi smashed don't let it spiral. Learn fromh it. You've been honest and that's a huge step. You just have to keep strong and fight against it. I don't know what made me read you diary, maybe the time you were on 3am. Don't punish yourself. Just for today.

Hi Smashed, I relate to many if your posts and what ganbling has dished out to you. I second Merry go round, don't beat yourself up. You've made alot of progress and this will make you stronger, even though it probably doesn't seem like it. With you all the way, take care S:)

We're all with you my friend and understand the hurt you will be feeling.

I imagine your thoughts and emotions will be all over the place but please take the positives from your 4 months gamble free.

Hi Smashed, I feel your pain, please try not to be too hard on yourself, you have came along way these past 4 months might not seem like it right now but you can come back even stronger ...... keep fighting.

Smashed. Sorry for your recent relapse. It hurts all the more when you lose money that you could not afford, which inevitably is most of the time.

Ok, you lost control. You became desperate. Probably just trying to put yourself in a better financial position in readiness for Xmas. And in a way, I can't blame you. The pressure at this time of year to buy presents and join in with the festivities is both outrageous and unnecessary.

But as you know we travel this journey with many pathways and junctions. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't make any difference if you have 5K, 10K or 20K of debt. You make decisions today which will effect your present and future.

Keep strong my friend.

Sorry to hear that smashed,hope your not in the chasing mindset mate you did unbelievable getting to so many days gamble-free you can do it again.had some thoughts this weekend to bet too but thankfully I didn't,it's such a thin line we're all on!chin up lad.