Dormant

Hey... congrats on getting that contract extended. They must have recognized they've got someone good and who is worth keeping around! Thanks for the beautiful "Earth" video and also the Piper posted on Soul's diary.... made me end up watching cartoons yesterday and helped me start moving out of my funk.

Just popping by to wish ya a good week without issues.

Still willing you on and hope all is well (as it can be at the mo). You making any progress with starting to exercise? If the dark cloud hasn't lifted at all, then start spewing, Volcano! Release the red hot smokin' lava and poisonous gases. Offloading those strong emotions in your diary helps, even if only a bit and for a little while as we relearn how to live a decent life. We're here for you. Don't go it alone.

Not totally certain but have a feeling you may need this... (((Paul)))

Where are you at, my London friend?

Ty Carla, Soul & ExD for propping diary up.

Hello Diary

Life still steadily rolling on. Not going it alone and under no illusions that there's still some mountains to scramble over.

Still wake every morning thinking the usual ' here we go again ' but I guess in the grand scheme of things, life could be a lot worse!!

Have a lot of freedom in my role at work, which can be pretty dangerous when I've got nothing to really think about. Hence the random gambling escape urge popping in out of mind.

Did do my gym induction Sunday and debut this avo as I take an early one from work. From know where gone off the drink but still struggle with the heavy fog doob which is always at reach where I live. Trapped there but slowly hatching a plan to finally to take that step back into society.

Ashamed about where I am in life, guessing a big reason for my isolation. Don't need reminding I live in a lost society or that I have nothing but a back pack to show for my 46 yrs on planet earth. Yet im slowly making the decisions to step back into life.

Fighting my procrastination and trying to stay focussed.

Hi ho, more circles to walk

Paul

My dear friend it's fine to walk in circles so long as they dont ever decrease.

As we know they do when we are at it.

Keep making the right choice.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Paul,

As Duncs says, take it day at a time, and it will get easier to step back out in the world. Patience will serve you right and already you are stepping to the right direction.

There is always a sun after the storm.

Believe in yourself and keep fighting the good fight:)

Take care

Sandra x

As usual, I relate to many of your thoughts. I think that shame serves no useful purpose and is part of what keeps us stuck. Much of what we think is fear based and also keeps us stuck. I know that I spend too much time imagining a bleak future for myself instead of spending that time creating the future I want, so really, who am I to advise anyone... but.... I also know that we don't give up so even though I can sometimes imagine myself on the street, I don't think it will happen. Our resourcefulness and our drive have kept us going despite the S***e life has thrown our way. Now, instead of just keeping us going, we are learning how to channel it toward our goals and desires. You said that out of nowhere the drink has stopped but maybe it only seems out of nowhere. Really, you have been planting seeds. Some seeds take longer to germinate and some take longer to grow. Some start growing and then get crowded out by weeds. But if we keep tending that garden, someday we'll get there. As you've said to me and as Sandra just said, we have to also "believe" which really is hope, I think. But that, while good and necessary, I don't think is quite enough. We have to also continue taking the steps which will improve our lives, even if it doesn't feel like it. And you are taking the steps. Small steps will add up. Walking alongside you....

Ty Duncs, Sandra and Carla. I really do feel humbled by your support.

I think your spot on Carla, shame is a killer and doesn't serve any purpose and fear is the factor which keeps us entrapped. I do think we make our own S***e, purely by the wrong decisions and end up berating ourselves rather than learning and just continue in the cycle. I do agree we do have resourcefulness and resolve but the lesson we do need to learn is that life hasn't thrown us this S***e, we made it ourselves. Now we're facing it or atleast trying as our soul is craving for a reprieve of all the impurity we've been feeding on.

' Why ' only 3 letters, yet such a great word. I'm forever asking myself that, always looking for an answer yet iv'e never taken time to ask the right question. Iv'e been playing with the recovery game for 3 yrs now and still only scratching at the surface. Why?

I do want change, yet im scared of change. Why? What can I possibly be fearful off? I did think that just by stopping gambling that would be the key to a happier brighter life, now I know or atleast think I know I need to delve deeper and figure out what the hell stunted me and whether the answer really matters. And that's what scares the S***e out of me.

We start this trip of life alone and we end it alone and just need to fill in the middle. Sometimes like on this forum and if lucky in life we find others on a same path and that's the gift I crave.

Why do I put myself down, why do I never feel worthy. Why do I dive between unhealthy compulsions. So many whys, yet im sure the answer isn't further than the tip of my nose!

WHY

Do think that life sometimes 'throws us a curved ball' as they say and that it is our response that brings the S***e down on our heads not the other way round.

As for why, sometimes I just stop asking and just 'be' and the answers pop out of the ether when I least expect them, some of the happiest times.

Be happy

xxx

Hi V

DF s right there ..it's about being and finding out who you are..

Everyone on a different path..my problem is I know exactly who I am, no mystery there ..it's when I pretend I'm not who I am and that I can deal with stuff I can't and push my limitations that the problems start.

I know you don't agree with that but for me that's the key.

I'm no Helen Keller...but I'm happy not to be...trying to be has caused more pain.

No answers as to the Why? ...quitting the fleshpots and toxins I guess is just the start of the journey as what's revealed is the truth suppressed which is why it's scary.

Xxx

Thanks DF and ExD.

Yep, we're all on diferent trips, yet very much the same journey.

A day off today as I finish up on this job and go back to my old site. Nice to be missed to be honest and learned from the experience.

Never did anything id planned today but no beating myself up as treat as r&r.

Out and about again tomorrow as I hunt down new pad and become a London commuter rather than full time in this rat race. Wont know anyone, but hai ho, ive been mucking about in London for past 25yrs and still don't know any one. New start as I strive to put my past and compulsions to bed.

Rome wasn't built in a day

Opposition will come your way

But the harder the battle you see

Its the sweeter the victory

You can get it if you really want it.

But you must try, try and try...

http://youtu.be/x2FDHYKDaE0

So very simple, yet true. Need to drum into this skull!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJnBNv71fOA&sns=em

Don't need a dynasty, a place to share, a heart to care and then I'd be ...walking tall..xx

Paul

Fella I too am humbled by the words folk type, to be gifted humility is something that comes for free but in the same breathe is priceless.

Hope you find a place to lay your hat.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Have a good one today and hope you find your ponderosa :-))

I think its the best news ever on your post as now maybe your job will be a means to an end and not the end in itself Hun.

Work to live not live to work...your building ,flair and creative skills have a new place to be put to a use that will benefit you xxx