Paul my honourable friend.
Thanks for the post on my thread fella, I amtruly humbled by your words.
Glad to read you got help my friend.
For me there is greater shame in seeing someone not take the help on offer, than any shame you should feel for taking it.
Keep doing what works for you.
And for it be very proud.
As it is you who has instigated the change, that takes huge courage.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Hi again V....Thank you for your post on my diary...woman-ed up ,.lol
I am privileged to know you in 3d and what I know is that you came alive when you were on the Waterloo job which was challenging but stimulating with a mixed bunch of characters both male and female and there was a social life attached to the job.
You went downhill when that job finished and I haven't seen you happy in work since as the contracts have seemed to be isolating and boring in comparison.
Just planting seeds here but maybe you have outgrown agency work and would be better on a fixed contract in a team that you can be part of with a work social life attached?
Keep posting .....just a few suggestions..not controlling...( I think ! ) xxx
Glad to see you're taking those steps!
Humbled ty
Truly am humbled. Really need and want to address these addictions that have blighted my life. Feel a deep regret and sadness of who I am and have become. Addictions do strip you naked, yet your blind to it. Now, i'm slowly opening my eyes, seeking a solid foundation to start with out the hollow words of denial.
Can I get any lower, yes I possibly can! The feeling of embarrassment and weakness over whelming.
Another day off....need to do something, have to do something ___________
Another sickie, another day trapped in my head.
Addictions really do take all normality and resentment of the people who strive on without crutches. It doesn't muck around, who it takes down. Losing all controll as your controlled by something much higher, delusion and denial.
Still sometimes i write, hoping just to convince my self, hollow words. Lots of things I need to change yet scared of failure. Deluded thoughts really, when I look at where I am in life.
I do have a great opportunity in taking a big step in the right direction, yet have this mental fall at the last hurdle feeling and dealing with more failure. Complete dilemma in which way to turn.
No gambling, doob or drink
Summary of ‘recovery’ and complacency. Trying to find my way back!!
It was a long sly deluded world before I ever got any sort of grip on the addiction of gambling. Had stayed in my secret world a hell of a long time before I found my rock bottom of 2010. I have made roads since then which I do need to be proud off, yet I feel as low as I did back then. This time though, with what iv’e learned, i can address again but also understanding fully the switching to other unhealthy ones.
2010 was the end of a slope, backpacking/ couch serfing and living in complete insanity of addictions. Work was sketchy and the money from house sell 4 yrs earlier drying up, was earning well but couldn't get past the bookies on a Friday and using house money for my weekly chase. Vicious circle of working 7days a week, then Kapow...more esteem gone.
Came to this forum of July 2010, slowly getting inspired and realising I wasn't unique, lived on and off in the leafy suburbs and nice area but complete insanity of the friends I was living with. Slipped a few times and new I couldnt remain in recovery or even sane if I stayed where I was. Had managed to get out by xmas, isolated round pals for couple of weeks then the most humblest of times staying round folks for 3 weeks at the age of 43.
Managed to get a 5 week stretch of work early Jan, 11. Moved into a green room with a hermit flat mate. Was a s******* but I finally had my own space, work got extended, recovery was going well, bank balance going up with my confidence and esteem. Abstained for pretty much this year apart from a few non damaging slips. Drifted away from these diarys and started believing again, unknowingly and progressively letting other unhealthy addictions and switching.
After a 6 months away from this forum found myself back in xmas 2011, apart from a tad lonely was pretty happy and on target for what id set out to do. Felt in such a good place and went to a counsellor, not because I sad or depressed more because of my manic happiness. Life was going well and I was asking why? Was determined to bounce on from previous year and keep striving forward and had some gusto about me.
Moved into a cleaner flat on the outskirts of the jungle, a step I thought. Work was going well, balance getting healthier, meeting new friends and still gambling at bay. Started drinking more through the social side of work and not being able to escape from the doob, always being 6ft from me. The gambling urge was getting harder and my sly, low esteem, blaming addictive self was overcoming me again.
A few slips end of 2012, 1st fbot taste for 18months. Managed to abstain until feb this year. Then the sly gambling beast returned. Making me the angry, resentful addict again. Had few regular slips then back to these diarys in June, hoping for that medicine it gave me last time and try and get some humility back.
Writing this, is only confirming some thing I knew. 3 years back I took refuge and came back with a plan. Now in what ever form I can get I need to find my earlier resolve with a more solid foundation.
5 stages..
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Need to find that acceptance and breathe again
Facing 'Me' head on
Paul
Fella I hope writing gifts you the therapy it deserves, my observation is simple, have you been running away for the past three years??
I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but my friend there is no other way to write it.
I myself am writing purely from my own experience. Recovery was my 'buzz' for 22 straight months, a better feeling generated by not gambling than gambling, then boom I find myself in a stupid position, and the wall came crumbling down, or at best addiction poked a hole in it and stepped right in.
Me I greeted it like an old friend, f*****g stupid as I knew the outcome would not be any different, yet I listened, for those few hours I threw all caution to the wind.
Why??? I had to, for my own good look at the why??
Yes the triangle has been fantastic, the honeymoon period a joy, the money, the bank balance, f**k the actual being able to pay for shopping and not steal it all brought a great feeling, but in truth for me my friend I foolishly replaced the buzz with another.
Take that away for a minute, the brain wants it's fill.
So since my last bet, what's changed.
Fella I have sort to find out why I run, ran the wrong way, I want to learn how to use the tools I have gained through recovery to turn and face life 100% of the time, there is no room for mistakes, I simply cannot take the mental torture, the feeling of shrinking into myself, going on the run again, that's what I fight to change.
The outcome??
For me Paul it is simple, without gambling I do function better to the outside world, my foot print is a much healthier one, like I wear slippers.
But for me the ultimate goal
Head space, for me to have the ability to assess all the goings on and not feel like I should at times just throw it all in the air and run!!
Because the outcome I know is simple.
I damage my own being, my own mental state takes another blow.
Fella I hope this helps, rambling I know lol but truthfully I believe we both share the same kind of head space requirements.
And as it says to which I believe is 100% true, we are all working in progress.
My friend your effort is there in black and white, it is as you stated a summary of recovery.
The ongoing choice for us.
Abstain and maintain.
With much honour and strength
Duncs stepping forward never back.
On the tiniest of stages............
Its confirmed, im a male Doreen.....
A seasonal chuckle xx
Make it so...Capt Pickard xx
Ha ha ha ....I love that Doreen clip ...."it's confirmed ..I'm a lazy cow" .....lol lol lol ROFL x100
Xx
Hey V,
Just to say i am proud of you!!! Minute by minute..hour by hour...day by day...whatever it takes dear soldier...we will make it!!
Keep it up
S x
Heh heh V... god made me laugh here...little tigger looked like on wizz lol...ha ha..maybe just time for sleeps indeed 🙂
Really pleased you having your funny spirit back.
Thank you for sharing...we missed you on here 🙂
Take care and keep going strong!!
S x
Glad to see you are getting back your sense of humour V ...lol
" I'm entitled to constipation "- Doreen
Hello Diary..
Another sickie but realising I needed it.
An inadvertent kick up the a**e these past few day's. Slowly dawning on me that its only me who's keeping myself in this head funk.
Ditching the 'poor me' to the realisation i'm just keeping myself down. Am p*s-sed off at work but so are lots off peeps and should consider myself greatfull that not only do I have a job ( I think ) but its fairly well paid..
Think by writing my summary here and Duncs words of '' have I been running for past 3 years '' has hit home. I am in a hell of a better place than I was 3 years back but hit a wall as I forgot what I was working towards. And that's a better quality of life with out the blight of addictions, and to function better in a more rounded life.
Migrated to London, 25 years back with my trusty trowel, was only meant short term but has been my boomerang place ever since. Managed to lose righty in that time and switch into management as well as a heap of travel, but now the light bulb moment that I cant continue back packing in my home country. Time to move on and stop punishing myself for past lunacy. Pack up my ego and stop hiding.
Gambling did strip me naked and make me self medicate but long after the buzz had gone, it became a form of self harm. Now, with out realising i'm still doing it and denying myself a better life. I'm an addict in recovery not a criminal. Done my time, now to enjoy my freedom.
Writing and this connection to some top cyber pals has opened these clouded eyes and for that I lay my head down and say a million thanks.
Strength and Honor
Im entitled to constipation and a better life....
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