Dormant

Paul

Fantastically honest post my friend.

Often in life it is easy to get lost, you can't see the wood for the tree's.

The simple things are often the most difficult to pertain, we over think them, over complicate them.

Recovery doesn't take one path out those woods for everyone, addiction will lay as many obstacles as possible in your path.

Your journey to this point has through your efforts gifted you the tools to beat that path out.

Use them, I am axe in hand beside you fella.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

So so right Duncs am a champion in overthinking and confusing and Tigger TY.

Day 6 and will be whistling ' im a legal alien ' for the weekend away from these diarys...

Slowly opening the doors and chasing rainbows...

Hi V,

Thanks for your supportive message and hey 6 days today well done,

Stay strong and positive,

Suzanne xx

Methinks you must be getting near to number d**k now. (I put no d**k but realised didnt sound too good)

Keep spitting the fumes.

xxx

Cant believe it censored di*ck, its a man's name for pity's sake - are we all children on here that they have to censor every fu*********cking thing

Ty again Df.

Not a d***k yet but am sure some would disagree.

Day dithera

A wasted weekend coming to its end, kept out of the bookies but shoot a struggle!!

Bought a sofa on interest free to go into my empty hotel room but feels like I'm just going through the motions of life. Unable to shift the miserableness cloud which follows me about.

Abstaining feels more like a punishment to this ever increasing emptiness I feel on a daily basis. Keeping clear of pals as I struggle to look them in the eyes with my detached spirit completely out of sync.

It is what it is I guess, I can't pin a rainbow down just like I can't pin happiness down but will carry on hunting em down none the less without the burden of doing my bollxx.....

Hi V,

Keep pushing my friend, this dark cloud will lift eventually, don't forget to put yourself first and by staying away from dragon's den you are on the right track.

Have a good and safe week. Keep posting and talking, it does help.

Strength your way, keep up the good work

T xxx

Ty Tigger

Hello diary....

Day 15 of no gambling, day zero of recovery. In truth I don't know what recovery is, I thought I did, I thought I had found the right road too recovery yet I got so lost it and now fully tangled..

But I plod on with my strangeness and very much hiding away, I do wonder if ever enoughs enough!

Dark and p*s-sing it down outside as this grey invisible man supps his pint and listens to the band...

Note to me.... eat

Hi there grey invisible man,

methinks the cloak of invisibility could be removed today as the sun peeps from behind the clouds.

Untangling takes time and plodding is good.

Note to you - eat

Thinking of you

xxx

Hai DF, ty.

Hello diary...

quack, quack day! Ie 2 lal ducks free from the gambling S***e.

No oomph to be positive, just letting things revolve. Inadvertently picked all my ' dead certs ' over the weekend but just as any dark thoughts, never acted on them!!

Continue to plod..

Come on the Chelsea from a Leeds supporting closet Arsenal supporter. Confused hai

Hi V,

Hope all is well with ya and you find that middle lane to plod along in recovery.
I guess i bounced too high and hit the ceiling lol...(that's what ya get having that spring attached to ya lol).

Back on the road to recovery...pheww..we can only try eh...yes we can!

Stay safe and sound

Sandra x

Just a bump as another week has crept by and would like to know you are safe and well.

xxx

Hai Sandra and DF, many thanks..

Diary..

No gambling but f**k did I want to this weekend!!

A cabin fever weekend trapped in my own bonce.

To much reminiscing. Need a goal just like Liverpool.

I can do it...... yes I can

Hello Diary...

I feel so very sad today, which come to think of it really isn't really unusual.

I use to think this addictive nature wasn't something to get me down or control my being, just saw it as if any thing a badge of honor!! I use to accept my maГ±ana attitude to life as just me, a laid back man. Now I see that as delusion!

I am a weak man. I use to have to front up bullies as a kid as I battled with a speach impediment, this deluded made me think I was strong! How wrong I was as I hid behind my weakness to become a bully. Seeking to control as I lost all my self control!!

When I had an ex and friends all I ever wanted was to be a recluse like Howard Hughes. Be careful for what you wish for as my wish has become apparent. Another weakness as I deluded thought I was strong...DENIAL

I use to think by losing an arm and a carrear that it made me a survivor. How wrong I was! Was just another sign in how weak and odious I am.

I've always struggled with enthusiasm, masking as best as I could and copying others. And secretly harbouring resentment in others enthusiasm.

I've always had since day dot had a fascination with grumpy miserable old peeps, wondering why/ how they've got this way. I understand this now as I slowly join there table.

I use to think I was a good guy, a product of good people. How wrong I was!

I try to write without coming across as poor me yet I don't know how to. I've encountered many a sliding door in my past, yet I always take the wrong one. A life time of regrets.

I am scared of my dark thoughts, I know we all have them but completely taboo to talk about them. So my lips stay zipped.

I've given up promising my self, that this time will be different. That I'll face my woes yet I know that this parasite of a man, will fall short.

I've spent my entire life either pushing people I can out of my life or keeping them at arms length. Use to think this was some kind of bravado, yet I know now it's the complete opposite.

I've seen my damaged soul or the depths of my addictions through the gateway and rather than face it I hide!!

43 days of no gambling, yet that really doesn't mean anything to me. I know all I'm doing is glossing over. I really don't know if I've either got the fight or knowhow in recovery. I'm honest enough to admit that all I'm doing is switching and hiding from my primary.

I run away, either unwilling or scared of change .

I'm not at work today, was honest enough just to admit that I just didn't want to. Another sign of weakness. I really want to gamble to be honest, just to numb out and detach myself from my head and saying to myself I can't, seems like a punishment. Hence in the space of a sentence, the 2 voices in my head differing with opinions.

I have known acceptance, now to find it again.. ....

Hi you,

Sounds like some ripples going on your way...
Firstly well done on coming on here and spitting all the poison out. Plus, i think you racked up some amazing number of days g free. I know what you're saying about numbers doesn't matter, of course they don't. It takes to get out to the closest bookies to open the gate to oblivion...but you coming on here indicates that truly you don't want that s**t in your life...so well done again.

Talking about dark thoughts is taboo?? Yep, i guess you're right. Been there myself not long ago, but ya know, i took something bk with me outta that dark place - Belief!. Belief that s**t in our lives cannot get us down and hold us down, that we are stronger that that, that we need to move on no matter how impossible it seems at times...i learned not long ago that without a change we cannot progress. It's never too late to make those important steps and do something about our wellbeing..let it be reach out for professional help, or move away from self destruction with our own strength..you and me got that dear soldier, accept that you are stronger than before and can make this life a better place to be.

It all starts from within

Keep posting, keep fighting

S x