Dormant

I'm going to get back to that post LB....

Too much time on my hands at the moment. Which with hindsight is quite bizarre in the amount of time lost through gambling, something we all tend to struggle with.

Have had a fair to decent week but I do worry its whether I'm being led by delusion or recovery. Anyway, need to banish them thoughts as things do feel right.

My sleep pattern has really gone awol of late and anothet little worry as have tended to use this as an excuse to drink or smoke green stuff. Very much stuck between a kid and a student I guess.

Have put my self discovery on hold for a few days and pretty much plan to pull away from these diarys for a weekend break. Will be easy I think as I rely on the smart phone at the moment, so just need to leave at home....

Now for one of very own personal broken records I'm going to play and I've named it -

Recovery Vs Recovery

20 odd years ago as a young, strong bricklayer living the Auf Viedersehn life. I managed to find myself under a train after a 10hr train journey, drinking myself to oblivion with 3 work mates. This fortunately resulted in a loss of my right hand rather than my neck.

Fortunately at the time I had a stronger/ non addict gf ( long time ex ) by my side. From pretty much the time from release from hospital I threw myself into recovery, collecting much kudos from others and myself. I had no one to blame for this one and I was determined not to let it beat me. Job interviews within weeks, a mind numbing pushing hoover jobs, 3 years of studying, doing a house up and even developing trowel/hammer/bolster attachments for my new prosphetic arm. After, would probably say 7 years, I finally found the end of that recovery and was in a bizarre way greatfull for that particular journey.

Now why is that relevant to me in the recovery journey from addictions? Well, I worked it. Wouldn't let it beat me.

The moral and what I try to instill in me, is that this journey is different but you so need to work it. Never let addictions get the better of you. Yep, we're going to f**k up, take the wrong journey. But in the end, it's going to be a great rewarding journey.

Mine started again this year, Ive finally got back on the horse. A lot of help from this forum and most importantly from a person I met in 3d from this forum. Just never showed it.

If you bang on the door hard enough, somebody eventually opens it.

Now phone off and out

Bless you V, that was an even deeper post my friend,

Recovery v recovery, but you have proved that recovery is indeed possible, but things are if we keep working at it.

Take care.

Suzanne xxx

Suzanne , your in my increasing list of people to get back too. Your doing the leg work.

A revelation of sorts.

My last post was my ego talking. I get that now, trying to validate a life long hangup called bravado.

Back then I tapped into ex's spirit, then tried to and quite successfully manipulated it. Spirit and a mind, I need to tap into both...

Shoot, a scared fear turning to a rage overwhelming at the moment.

Give my self a break

You had to didn't you!! :-D....now look what ya done lol lol

I think lil frogies are lovely innocent creatures..nothing to be scared off 😉

https://youtu.be/HBxn56l9WcU

Ps. Thanks on advice of chocolates ☺...every lil helps

Be good and take care of you!

Ps. They can multitask too! Pah...and ya talk about rats huh ☺ ;-)... what do we know huh ..

https://youtu.be/-6oJSA39Evk

I thought you were taking the weekend off? Just can't stay away huh 🙂

LB x

Too much digging and not enough play makes Jack a dull boy 🙂 Time off sounds wise and your plans sound good. Not sure what "a dollop of dribble" is though...whatever it is enjoy it!

LB x

Hey V, I read your post to me earlier, and then read my first 108 posts on my own diary, to be honest I had to stop because I literally felt sick to the stomach, with my own postings, (never read back properly before now, only glanced through a couple of times) it bought back what I did to my OH, and as for me what a sad and desperate person I was after the aftermath of my addiction, it did self destruct me, and yes everything I did was one day at a time, I am glad that you gave me the want to read my first few weeks on here, yes I have changed, like you have, but that hole will never be dug out, the only way to keep going forwards

Is to keep working at it, once we stop it starts again.Maybe in a different direction,

David Bowie (RIP) says so very much in his music, he was a man here well infront of his times, he did keep one step ahead all the way through, and I believe every new make over he did was genuine and how he felt at that time, What a man what an inspiration, he had a few addictions, but it did not stop him:)))

Sooo pleased you did not turn your phone off, you have strengthened my resolve yet again, and I understand you giving yourself a break from your own self discovery, it really is small steps and continuing to take one day at a time, and there are different opportunities and positives and goals to take hold of everyday under our very own noses, and we don't have to look too far:))

Take care of you.by continuing on that right road for you.

Suzanne xxx

Walking along side with you with all my warts

Hello, V,

Hope that one way or another, you're having a good weekend. Thanks v much for your post to me on Dan's thread (don't know where he's got to), it really made me think. I reached two conclusions: firstly that I am still a control freak who doesn't trust anyone else to sort anything else because they can't do it as well as I can, therefore I'm not in recovery yet. But whilst still abstaining and also meeting with the Therapist, my husband doesn't "get it" in the way that Duncan or Dan do, either, the penny has much further to fall.

Sorry to read that you had it so bad, nothing much to be said to make that better.

Someone told me that we don't make the same mistakes as our parents, we make different ones. Sobering.

BW,

CW

Hi Volcano... I feel somewhat emboldened reading your recent thoughts. You have been through a great deal over the years and am sure that your experiences has brought you strength of character to see you through whatever life might throw your way

As for recovery I guess its like a buisness, ya have to work it or it fails. Your working it.

I might often feel like a somewhat sad and disillusioned middle aged fellow but I will see things through to better times. I will recover.

Thanks for your support... S.A 🙂

Thanks SA.....& yes agreed SA you will

Just a flyer to this forum as i continue to lay my head to rest....

I had/ have great folks, good people who many would be proud to say there mine.

I've had/ have had a great life..Again something to be proud of. But blighted it my self through addictions/avoidance.

I've dug and joined a dot in realising that my acorn started from a blip in my formative years. A somewhat lucky experience/ education.....

Ha ha not an option I'm afraid as I am pretty much completely off key musically so it's back to the valerian tea. Think I must have been a vampire in a previous life as a creature of the night (at least I didn't say 'lady of the night' which would be much more fun but way too old for that now). I don't gamble online so safe if I stay home but know an all night casino not too far away which I have frequented in the past and gone in to work straight from there after an all nighter. How sad is that, what a waste of a life. Wind in the willows has picked up now so boat is groaning beautifully so going to read my book now and get lulled to sleep. Hope you enjoyed a restorative weekend. xxx

Hi V,

Looking for ur diary in 10th page lol and sneaky DF got u on 1st one..(tut tut my lovely, messing about with my tiny string of brain left lol..hugs anyway 😉 )

V...it's easy to say change this change that..nighshifts are killers and yes, they took their tool (obviously do'h)..but im like hamster on the wheel (in memory of my lovely hamsters - Snowy, brad, fluffy) ..just go round and round and round! All i want from life is my own place and a dog! How hard can it be? ..obviously for me is tough lol.this addiction...if not this when others don't wait for a green light to jump in.
Being stuck in the rut is the worst what can happen and when you're like that change is impossible...at least in my eyes. Gotta keep those plates turning huh.

Ok enough of this. I'm not overthinking - I'm stating facts/reality. It's not a rosy path but .....

Sleep well...I'm drained of writing lol

Vrrrrrooooooooom

Lovin it, now I'm goin to end up listening to music all night. Tried to send you 'what a waste ' but won't cut and paste on here. x

My ego say's sorry....

Its deluded thinking, that if i want recovery, that im able to take the week end off as and when i want. I need to tentavely walk these diarys when it comes to support and advise change. Something i rarely practice myself.

I've been gamble free for about a month, yet my ego says that i entered the process of recovery in July ;10'. Why? I think i know.

My ego says, that this diary can/ will potentially wind people up. Then i think, well thats natural as some diary's wind me up. So the answer i give myself is. Its my problem, no one elses.

I started today underwater, i need to get back on dry land. I think i will. Infact i'll flip that, i know i will. I'm scared of this particular trip i'm on. I walked over a few thresholds last week, i dipped my toes into uncomfortable waters. Yet, i never went over the threshold of GA. Thats the 3rd time in the last 3 years i've done that, expexting the results without dancing with change and effort.... I need to flip that, i mayed some progress.

It reads on these pages, the ego led side of the psyche, the fear of the 12 steps of GA. The denial side of the mind shouting louder. I think ( to much ) about the 1st step and admitting that your powerless over a behaviour, thats a hard nut to crack despite the contrary voice of my ego. Then the fear level rises, thinking if i cant get past the 1st hurdle, well what chance have i with the rest...

I use to think ego was a speedy. wearing Adonis. Now i know its the dominant voice in my head. The moral there is change, equally to fear....

I, just heard this minute that today is officially Blue Monday.... Today will pass.... i just need to push through my present head funk.