Dormant

Blue monday, rainbow tuesday xxx

Evening Volcano 🙂

Thanks for dropping by though not so sure why you just came with a tentative toe...You have more balls than that! I wanted to wait until I'd read through your threads but the 1st few were missing, then one wasn't yours & what I had read already, coupled with your 1st 2 pages of here suggested that I'd be better off starting with last year so if I've missed anything important between pages 3 & 10, please let me know!

It's hard to treat stuff like salami when a) you don't like salami & b) you don't know what stuff is but I too get the sentiments...I think I must get a kick out of catastrophizing sometimes? Setting myself up for a great fall that turns out to be no more than a stumble up a low kerb can be mildly therapeutic but it's gotta stop! Like you, I often question the sanity of my diary but these are our recoveries & we don't have to look @ car crashes!

Now, where are you...I may not be @ the stage of being able to show you out of the hole but I'm strong & I can help drag you over that 1st hurdle!

Sorry V but a bic just won't cut the mustard...It's more a garden shears & cut throat razor job 😉

You didn't need to explain but thank you. It doesn't make sense to me that the capability is there but I have read the stuff from Admin about it being what the masses wanted so I'll just have to suck it up.

For what it's worth, I don't think your posts are coming through with a black cloud @ all...They feel like you're digging deep & waking up from your fog! Keep stretching & when you're rooting round inside that box (it sure feels like the lid is off now) be assured that we are all here in cyber space rooting for you - ODAAT

A bit of a long winded post straight back at you Odaat, but seem to have alot of wind in these sales as late.

Rainbow Tuesday.

Now for a bit of honesty and a practice of cognitive flipping.

Yesterdays head funk was more the reason of having a joint over the weekend.

A faimiliar brain lock as such as i become aware that this went in hand with my gambling, but my 1st for a month so progress not perfection.

I've steered clear of red wine for the past 3 months when i identified that it was the cause of my acid reflux. Self awareness.

I managed to buy a flat early last year after, getting back on the market after near on 9 years. The result of my 90% abstinence in the past 5 years. Have used my time off the work front, to prep and paint, should be finished but again pregress not perfection. Its commutable from London but still find myself renting. This will come to a natural conclusion in the nect couple of months, hence saving me either a rent or a mortgage.

I've been eating books for the last 10 months, some addiction/ awareness accademic, some fictional addict authors ( Hubert Selby jr, great read ) and some just random thrillers. They helped to open my eyes, with the aid of what i'd been inadvertently hearing in the past 3 years of denial slumber. Kept coming back to the same thing, so stated understanding the source of my nature. Albeit a slow learner but again progress not perfection.

Have my completely unexpected 25k tax bill now under control, which i recieved near on 3 years ago to under 9k. Taught me a painful lesson as i became obsessed with money and became nasty with friends. Still swallowing that pill but faced it rather than ran, again progress not perfection. Have finally found a sprinboard for the recovery progress, an element of mourning my lost time but a fantastic starting point none the less. Now a confidence in liking my reflection again.

Have used my unwanted break from work fairly positively, getting all my tickets upto date. Making uncomfortable phone calls and reconnecting with pals. Had put the 18th jan as my earliest potential start, has now past but confident and know there's pretty much not more i can do. But proud of myself in having the bank balance to cover all my monthly bills.

Understanding the deluded AA line of ' I lost my wife, my house and my kids but i wont lose my self respect '. As i prime up some help if required. Yet confidence that wont be required but safety net if required.

Putting in the leg work rather than the thinking my way to recovery. Cognitively trying to be proud of the thresholds i have gone over rather than the thresholds i havent. Again practice not perfection. Early days on that but none the less im committed. Patience!!

Reconnecting with my chalk and cheese bro, proud of his and sis inlaws step into adoption. A gift of a happy bundle of a neice and the breaking of a cycle in the process.

Regaining an element of a sence of humour and being amused with my thoughts and pearlers of other peoples. Hence seeing things different.

A quench of understanding and finally getting the difference between ' knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss '

Now to finally end my cognitive flip for the day, greatful for my awakening from a slumber ive been inhabiting for pretty much the past 30 odd years......................

Rainbow Tuesday continues as i slowly find pot at the end, pleasently surprised that it wasnt gold i was seeking...............

I see the head akin to a washing machine, if you don't find the right cycle, well your clothes are never going to come out like your good old mum. There's top loaders and front loaders, with only a few basic washes, pretty much like my mind.

This thought pretty much stemmed from my day of spring cleaning. I'm now on a lunch break at my local, play and work needs to go hand in hand.

Earlier today I talked to my local shop keeper; have probably been in his shop a thousand times, always pleasant but my chatter today was like a green light for him to tell me his life story. I walked out feeling good.

I have a awkward work related phone call to make today. A successful chap, high up in an old company I worked for, he became a friend in my Abstaining good place of life a few years back but then became a witness to my descent back into abstain denial. I wonder if he got it?

I have a bit of dilemma from my earlier post, which is a positive. It goes in the form of potentially having a start next Monday. Now, that shouldn't be a dilemma but i struggle whether I'm saying yes, just because that's what I'm accustomed to do??? Breathing space on my decision?,?

I had another revelation earlier, another dot joined, but now leads me to the question of 'barriers' ie a fellow addict, who hasn't got the difference between Abstaining and recovery. Have known him close to 40 years. So a tough one.

The spin continues and the guilt/ shame rolls on

Hi V,

We can't be in recovery if we are not abstaining.

We are in recovery when we do abstain and maintain, recovery slowly unfolds itself.if we let it in.

Just a thought my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Random head today.....

Its so true that ' laughing in the face of adversity ' works. But to make a break through you need to find away to ' cry in the face of past adversity ' .

.

Random head on a train.

I think our spoken language is designed to confuse us. Sometimes I think it would be beneficial to revert back to the grunting cave man.

Which brings me to this , you can't think your way to recovery. Yep, the thought process is good but an sure confuse if you don't have an outlet. Which now brings me to this, the 12 step process and its terminology can sure result in an internal unnecessary battle if you want to think it rather than action it. The biggest fear which tends to repeat it self is the term Higher Power, I know it put the sh.its up me, but then I try to look at it this way - I've had 4 HP's in my life.

1. The Air force through the conduit of a strong old man. ie my postings as a service brat keeping me away from a disfunctional side of a family.
2. A late old uncle from the other side, who said it as it is and confirmed to me that I wasn't nuts.
3. A train and therapist type ex gf, who diverted me from a 6ft under train crash.
4. This forum and also an old pal I met via this forum who showed me that I wasn't Unique, strange, weird or a maverick but just a very ordinary man who took the wrong turning and read the wrong book.

Just thoughts........

ps, im not a for or against GA. I'm still sitting in the middle but keeping my mind open as I sway to the GA outlet.

o*g V, you do know I'm a laydee right :-0 I'm not allowed to use one of those, under any circumstances...You may as well have suggested I go out & eat a Yorkie 😉

I tell you what though, it would work wonders on them hurdles, right...Never mind jumping over them when we can smash em to pieces 🙂

Jeezus Christ!!! I happened to watch that video and thinking what sort of "branches" is going on on Sesuo's legs lol ( she is not my real Sesuo just for the record :-0 :-D) & don't think i will go chasing the waves on those bodyboards with her in Cornwall anymore ☺ (jeezzz..could get my eye out innit! :-0) lol..this is just top class huh..(sozzzzzzz YOU crazy gal)

Anyway, thank you for your unconditional support and means a lot. I kinda get what you mean....but i simply cannot take more soul searching recently. The time will come and i know i will look bk at things and stuff i need to address.

You seem to be in the right mindset dear V. Keep in joining them dots together, as tou say - answer has always laid within us, it's just the process we need to get over with and the end result to accept.

Keep on keeping on!
You matter

Tigger

Hey V, thanks for your thoughts back to me :)) yes I can tick them all off, but not always all together at the same time lol, work in progress my friend, Patience is a good key, but working at recovery without rushing it is the biggest key, (just another thought lol)

Have a good gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx

Never a truer word said there Suzanne, you can't rush a process, just work and go with it.

Back on a train again as I seem to be a yo yo random head of late.

I made a break through call yesterday to an old director boss, 20 min of reconnecting and having a laugh He said, welcome back to dry land. I've been putting that call of for a year. .

Im off now to see about a job, am trying to stay out of the clutches of developers and this one's far from it. But a little step out of my comfort zone... Nothing ventured hai...

I think throwing words into cyber space can be very cathartic as I try to not think of any correct answers and go with the flow of an interview instead. I've been fortunate to of worked on some of the biggest projects in london in my lowly role as a foreman/ manager. I know that's my ego talking there, but for at least this morning I need it. ..

Did have a strange emotion last night; in possibly concluding this diary. My soul aim at the moment is reconnecting with the world, with which I'm doing but also conscious that I was drifting into the never never land of cyber space.

Hello world

Hi
Reconnecting with the world - with you all the way on that one.

Glad u posted on my diary as I'd been intrigued and impressed reading yr 2016 rebirth.

Also reassured someone else recognises social anxiety. Sure this must be a more common trait - tho maybe folks have it but don't realise, like me for 20 years!

Not sure SA exists in isolation MineВ is based on a fear of being judged and, ultimately a fear, or maybe a deep seated belief, that I'm not good enough. I don't consciously think that-but it simply must be the cause.

Sadly recognising does not=cure
However now I can recognise I can deal with this rather mega large issue. Eg, the worst thing ever is experiential avoidance (worse even than distracting, eg gambling, as with avoidance our unevolved mind is negatively reinforced- wrongly deducing that to avoid= no pain='succes') now when I get SA wave of fear-I try to Be physically fully willing to experience the sensation. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but sit tight it isn't. if i do this i don't flight- I can now engage properly with the social situ or whatever I feared. And then positive reinforcement happens, realisation of paper tigers, that I can be who I want to be

Hope makes sense-trying to type on adroid bloody nightmare.

Best
Louis

Louis, Thankyou so much for that post! Truthfully and i believe for a good thing it stirred some emotionally charged feelings. I really didnt no how to sit with them. In away, its grounded me in a good way but initial thoughts overwhelmed me and the uncomfortable feelings of just running................

Music therapy.......... this opened the flood gates, rather than run.. https://youtu.be/JCQVnSOFqfM

Hey Paul, Am I seeing things or did not you change your user name and then changed back, :))

Connecting to the world automatically happens when that fog lifts, (whether we want all these connections or not :))) Real life stuff slowly comes to the front, some of it good and some of it not so good, but as long as we are not in that fog of gambling, we can actually deal/get on with it, and truly appreciate all the good things that we already have in our lives,

I think of this forum as cyber therapy, and I have met some amazing folk on here, some have now left the forum, as long as we are not still hiding from the real world in this place, and balance our time on here, and it is helping, (if that makes sense) why conclude your diary, ?? have decided for me, not doing any more digging at this time, lol, am just going with the flow of every day life, with no fog to cloud me:))

Have a good strong gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx