Dormant

I tentavely walk into the cyber therapy room called gamcare and continue my growth and reconnection to the world.

As Louis, metioned above - Recognising doesnt equal Cure. But sure gives you a steady foundation to build on. And slowly build i will.

Had my 1st interview of the year yesterday, comfortable in the fact of the Paul who turned up and in the knowledge that i couldnt of been much better as an interviewee. I did walk out pleased but a terrible pang of guilt with a white lie i blagged upon, walked aimlessly, crossing the bridges of the Thames trying to process the guilt i felt in the lie id just delivered to the amiable/ shrewd man id just met. Then thought, f**k it - Honesty has to be the best policy, so rang up and told them. In my line of work, theres 3 important tickets, the least important being a 1st aider, i intentionally let this lapse a year ago and have had a snidey ever since. A mistake i now realise.... Had a for and against with 2 friends i spoke to regarding this. But alas, to grow is to be honest... So now that thought is put to bed and again progress not perfection.

I missed the threshold of the therapist yesterday, wasnt intentional but my thoughts were else where, untill it dawned on me that shoot is was Thursday and im in the city not the town of therapist. So missed for this week. I crave growth, but then i get scared, in how to get back on the work horse and also to continue my quest, this thought overwhelming me for the last 24hrs, but thoughts slowly being banished to the grave yard of thoughts. I need a job and the growth i talk about is really simply living, i now know i can do both........

The descent into addiction continued....& the needless trials and tribulations/ hangups of my life on planet earth.

I now know where my compulsions started, an element of regrets to be honest not being able or willing to join that dot. The power of the mind hai, with which i should be aware of! I was never aware of any hangups in life, being afforded a quite fortunate life of travel and exploring, yet truthfully alot of that being blind folded and only momentally seeing both sides of the cloud.

The pandora box lid open, slowly having the tools to process that. The sick puppy, an early cause but to blame would be futile in my quest for recovery. My obsessive state started around the 9 mark, becoming obsessed with numbers and becoming a some what smary kiddy into my naughty/ playing up secondry days. started smoking around the age of 11, a tough kiddie you might think? I did!! Deluded hai!

I moved into the drink culture aged 16/17, with the company of the obsessions mentioned above. But alas gambling was quietly sneaking in, and in a fashion i always believed saved me from the substance addiction. I was hooked well and truely by the age of 19, but still continued with the drinking and the odd drugs but never getting a taste for the class A type. From then 19 to 26, i was on a complete train crash to no where, untill the fortunate red light hand brake moment of losing my right hand. This obviously slowed me right down.......... Jumping back in them thoughts, brings me back to one of my life hangups and my deluded thoughts of not being good enough, especially with the strong old man who had reached his pinnacle of his correar by aged 40 and was always the hunter gatherer with people swarming round him. I think, he 1st saw his son( me) at the age of 26, when he saw the spirit of how i handled my accident, yet inadvently handling with a smile and deternination but never dealing with these new issues........... Regrets, ive had a few, but i didnt do it my way......

So, as i slowly go back to my seat in the gamcare room of therapy, my eyes slowly opening and the hard painfull, yet educational journey in back to finding me. A long way to go, but now comfortable in the fact i can both live and grow.....

My thoughts. So the moral of that is ----- Its All good, apart from whats Bad = Being human.

Hello World

Hey V,

You seem to untangle something new every day ☺..it's definitely a progress in this journey.

Glad the therapy helps, sometimes all we need is to talk to someone. I remember canceling few apts with my counsellor..i guess i didn't want to face the thruth some weeks and work at that pandora box...but demons has to get out one way or the other...sooner or later we gotta look into it huh.

Be proud, you're doing great.

Hope you have an amazing weekend and wish you well. Catch you later

Take care ☺

I think im coming to a conclusion that i dont need to use this diary to dig anymore. Time to feed the 'rugby' backs in seeking how to process in the form of nudging myself in the vessels of work/therapy and GA still very much on my radar. So, a new life for this particular diary...

I'm tired today, but even if only small i did push myself to have a brekky rather than the usual ciggie and coffee. Progress for me as i try to join the axis between mind and body.

Barriers... I learned a valuable lesson yesterday, barriers are not just needed at the start of recovery, there very much need in the process. I got myself stuck talking to someone and recognised my self in this sqeaking, eyes averting fella, i managed to retrieve myself a couple of times in the chat i didnt know how to get out of ( thank f***k for footie ). It taught me that in my clear state, you so much need to reconnect with the world but also jump to the periphery of it as and when required...Protection with barriers as i continue talking talking rather than sqeaking.....

Plan to live today, just a little though.....

Random yo yo head on a train again.

My cockles have just been warmed. Standing patiently on a concourse. A well dressed woman came at me a little distressed, showing me a tenner and some change, I gathered from her broken English that she was 1.20 short. A fool of me, some might think. I don't!

A smile, a hug and the showing of her new ticket. 1.20 well spent...

An ignorance is bliss random conspirasist post ....

All the numbers add upto 666 on a roulette wheel, so is the legend true of the inventor François Blanc...?

Hey V, lovely gesture with that lady, that will have been very much appreciated:))

Listen this digging, take a breather, you could dig to the centre of the earth and not get to the point of destination, go with your own flow, intution, if you like, be kind to you, the rest will follow, and some if it when least expected, eg, like helping thst lady, that came without question or effort, just naturally, to help her.its the little things in our lives that count, why do we keep trying to reach for impossible stars, when we have a beautiful moon, (just another thought my friend)

Suzanne xxx

A weekend so far of cleaning, painting, connecting and now sat after 2 hour river walk talking to the ducks, people watching and a pint.

Have found the usual compulsive thoughts enter fairly regularly to be honest, but listened and reasoned rather than fought them.

As someone who is only a month from there last bet, im not so raw as such but ........ I don't really know. I'm fully aware, my present compulsion seems to be this forum ( again ). The last 6 months prior, my compulsions was books, but now I've hit a mind freeze as far as books are concerned. So no coincidence my return to these forums as I switched compulsions. I know, in one way or the other, that it will always be me, but slowly learning the language of my mind.

A thought I 1st had 3 years ago when I was in my 2 year abstinence has just crept back in. Prior, to my last relapse, I never heeded the signs but I was noticing my old poison of the bookies more and more; it was like they were following me. Now I seem to be seeing the shops around and adjacent. It's like they were just an illusion and my eyes are now seeing....

Embracing and Hello world

River walks, ducks, people watching and a pint...sounds mighty fine to me.

For me i don't see the forum as a compulsion. I see it as somewhere I come to focus my mind and think and say how things are for me. I don't see this place as an escape. Its something positive. Far better than watching spinning reels or any other form of gambling for that matter.

Regards.. S.A

Hey V, thanks for your response on my diary:))

And I totally agree with the lovely Man, (SA ) about this forum, and our own diaries, Coming here has been such a massive wake up call, and help, for me, Infact up to now, this forum has been my only source, outside OH, to not only abstain and maintain, but to actually realise that this addiction is not my fault. If it is working for you, why question it, I have learnt so much by just reading, responding and venting upon my own diary, the knowledge now is simply priceless, I kept taking dots from other postists and joined them up with me when I understood them, and it fitted in with me(if that makes sense)

Oh yes I know there are lots of lovely places around our small island, but home is where the heart is, mines down South lol, and OHs is up north, Ohhh dear, lol, might be time to do that Beverley sisters dance again:)))) keep smiling and keep positive and keep your diary going

Suzanne xxx

Lol V, balance with everything is a good key to a happy life, understand the cyber bit, and on that note, you will have to excuse me lol, it's time for my cyber space boogy keeping it all in balance ofcourse lol,

Embrace happy thoughts and smiles, and chuckle along with every heart laugh, these are precious gems, (unless you have a dirty laugh laugh like me ofcourse lol)

Keep smiling or as Bruciee always says keep dancing Ohhh :)) indeed.

Suzanne xxx

Pro- pain. Fistful of hate.

A tee shirt I read on someone earlier... I don't get it?

Or is this a tee shirt, an addict in denial wears?,

Probably an MMA thing ?

Ha ! Ha! Glad to be of service , I'm just pleased that at 54 I knew what MMA was , POP's power rule's !! LOL.

Reading you post's of late and not comented before but that's quite a journey of self discovery / enlightenment that your on my friend and makes for some interesting reading !

Please take that the way it was meant , as a compliment !

If the old bloke can help with anymore abbreviations please let him know , LOL !

Take care buddy !

Should have asked , KTF = Keep the faith !

Note to myself. Respect the addiction. I'm on vulnerable ground at the moment with tiredness and nothing concrete on job search.

I spent the majority of last night/ this morning in a fight to the death with a hungry pack of lions, even though I new they were paper. I still tossed, turned, paced, you tubed, googled and repeat untill 5.00 this morning.

A worry, I struggle to shift is on the paranoid/ real threshold but either way as I believe it's the latter. There really isn't anything I can do about it. So was trying to remember the appropiate GA line, which I've heard on these diarys?

I had great feedback from last Thursdays interview, despite not getting it... He has something in mind for me in April!!

I have a dilemma regarding a interview for tomorrow as I prepare for my fashion catwalk suit wearing dip in waters I don't like. Did initially turn down the interview, but quickly corrected my self in going with this open mind. But dilemma is, I don't like the company or agree with the particular animal they employ. But I'm aware that the mind I'm using to come up with that conclusion, hasn't a great track record? .. .. A bit of a cognitive flip in writing that, do interview and I don't have to say yes......

I guess in comparison, these are mere worries compared to other poor souls dragged into the toxic, madness of addictions...

A sleepy on a train greetings to the world.....