Dormant

lol, good answer Alan, both the windown cleaner and herpetologist would be pretty f****d without one or the other! So it is both a board game and life.....

My last few weeks have been about snakes and ladders as i've either had my cv scrutinized by interviews/ agencies or myself, seeing dots i never new existed and seeing the ups and downs of my working life and also through the therapist, seeing how my life in general has taken particular slithers down the snake or foot up the ladder. So guessing the conclusion there is = You've got to have the bad to really appreciate the good.

''We live in a world where lemonade is made from aritificial flavoring and furniture polish is made from real lemons.” MAD magazine

Paul,

I get exactly what you are saying on your last post to my diary. Currently I count myself lucky, although my life living with my parents is at times painful I have a strong group of friends. Some of which have offered and asked me how they can help, time to reach out to them. I do ultimately want to move out, nearing 40 and it feels embarrassing and a part of me wants a completely new challenge away from my childhood home. This is overridden by the same fears of living in a new place and trying to make new friends and a new life.

My take is these are fears that everyone faces, me personally I have never developed the skills to manage and deal with these fears choosing my desired poison of addiction instead. The only way you develop those skills is to face and work through the fears, ignoring them has brought nothing but pain. Where we find the courage is not that important, only that we seek it and accept its hand when offered.

I know at the moment I can't just turn around two decades and pack my case for the city so I focus on my next meeting and reaching out to a good friend for a talk/beer.

Whilst the mind is clear and maybe something I'll need when/if it invariably fogs up again.

Valuable lessons learned in past few years.

1. Your reading the wrong book. From My kiwi ex.
2. If you cant be nice, don't be nasty & It's nice to be nice. From My dad's mum who I never met
3. "Your not unique Paul, your just a very, very ordinary man! & You've literally got nothing to lose. From an old good friend.

Number 3, the kick up the ar.se this man needed. & internally greatfull for all of them..

I use to think tackling addictions was harder when your a single isolated chap than it is with a family round you. How wrong I was I feel now. It's only my guilt I need to process!!! So, I aplaud anyone tackling addictions with a family.. That's courage!!!

Hello and thanks for the post in my diary; I appreciate your taking the time to say hi. I have spent much of this afternoon reading your diary. Your journey feels both remarkable and familiar. There are elements I can understand and elements I cannot imagine. You have been fighting an exceptional fight. One aspect of your diary that I recognise is your ability to craft you life into a story. I mention this because you noticed the 'just' in my user name which is my attempt to remind myself not to focus too much on the narrative but on events and feelings just as they happen. I spent years crafting a story that rationalised my addiction and my recovery. For me, recovery doesn't have to be linear or even make sense as long as we keep going. That said, I'm on day one so what do I know. Thanks again, J

Morning V,

Another interesting question my friend,

Around the age of say 12 I surely did bear grudges, with anyone that hurt me, eg,w girlfriends,first, my best mates, only had one bestie at a time and looking back now (after thinking about your question) I was quite a possevive person, when we fell out out big, I moved on and yep with a grudge, the same scenioro with boyfriends,I just cut them all out one by one, and moved on, so I would say for me bearing a grudge did hold me back in one way, it stopped me from trusting friends 100%, to bear a grudge also to me meantwe I did not forgive, and also makes me now think how insecure I must have been and no be would have guessed it but my self esteem must have been very low too,, having said that I was always popular, with both sexes, (because I put on a front). Did not realise this at that time,.

I stopped bearing grudges when I hit my 20s, (must have felt more secure then) but I had an instinct on who to befriend and who not too,

I don't bear any grudge with anyone now, not even the grudges I had when in my teens, I guess I have forgiven folk that have hurt me, but our thoughts and feelings do change and mellow as we get older(well mine have lol) for me to bear grudges or not forgive anyone now would most definitely hold me back, and keep doors closed, which is not good for us mentally or emotionally.

I don't bear a grudge with my addiction, quite strange in a way, because gambling has hurt me emotionally and mentally and the aftermath of it still pains me, I can't move on from my addiction, so I have actually accepted it, (don't for the life of me understand it) and seeing recent relapses from folk on here has quite upset me and my balance on recovery, but that is what this site is for, I don't judge anyone on here, I just wished we could all be rid of this horrible addiction, and live a normal healthy life.

After all that rambling lol, my opinion is to bear grudges keeps certain doors closed, it's unwanted and unnecessary feelings to store in our heads, and it is soo easy to let it go and forgive, because then we do move on n a positive way, We can forgive without

getting involved again, if this makes sense.

Have a lovely gamble free safe day my cyber friend

Suzanne xxx

Good answer there Suzanne, one day I'll have the same answer. Be happy with my lot as it wasn't the crock of gold i was looking for after all.

A need for a disclaimer. - I'm well aware that this Volcanos thoughts can potentially P***s some off. But the Paul behind is just another weak addict trying to make sense of lost time...

Just this minute read this line and resonated with me - ' in short, life begins at the end of your comfort zone! Always has, Always will!'

Ha I was told in order to grow do at least one thing a day that scares you

​

Hi Paul

Interesting few posts (and from Suzanne). I think I agree with your 3 points at post 656. I had been thinking something along the lines of 'noticing that I'm small' - as being perhaps an important value for me and I think this ties in with your point 3. Need to get my head around that a bit more before I could really elaborate on it - but there's something there I'm quite drawn to.

Best
Louis

A long while ago I asked a therapist " why me?" . He replied "why not you, what makes you so special?"

At the time, I wanted to slap him. With hindsight I realised it was the kick up the jacksy that I needed.

LB x

On the same subject. I don't need to believe in God for my program to work. I just need to stop b loody thinking I am one

​

Shoot, a bit of a day of self induced poor me today.

Setting myself small targets and continuing this never ending painting of my lounge. My respect for painters have gone up 10 fold.

Am pretty sure I get back on the work horse next Monday. Have been lucky with some lengthy contracts and would usually stress but quite proud so far as I haven't stressed as I seek my perfect circle. It's been a good experience in reconnecting with old and new. And a little bit of avoidance from other jobs today as I should know in the next 48 hrs. Fingers crossed..

My tangent at the moment is seeking the perfect circle, with triangles/ tangents as I seek my apex.. I lived under the shadow of Mt Taranaki a few years back, the place where my ex was bought up. The perfect circle volcano. My new locals fosters coats 360p, another good fit.

Possibly the reason why I don't go for the broken triangle, it doesn't fit well into a circle.

Cuddle coming your way, cos you have had a shoot day,

(((((Paul)))))

xxx

Number 8 jiggy:)))

You have just put a big smile on my face:)))

Don't let the buggers get you down, just sail above it, easy peasy lol,

One of Duncs sayings coming up to make you smile,

What makes a millionaire, the person that was a billionaire to start with

and my mum used to say, ok you got it half wrong, but thst just goes to show that you did get half of it right,( must have got my positivity from her lol)

Keep smiling.

xxx

Smiling through a self induced scowl...

Part of my therapy yesterday was - going our of my way to feed the swans, beautiful but formidable birds.
- Eating fruit and healthy feed.
- phoning my dad up with a joke for his Sunday club session, only to get a better one back in return! " your mother wouldn't know the difference between a scowl and a smile " Has had me tickled all day.

Lol V,

One thing puzzles me :)) how did I get sucked into this gambling nightmare, I am only a dippy blonde,ohh lol

xxx