Dormant

Morning. The albino squirrel was hanging off the bird feeder this morning and it made me think of you. I've been thinking a lot about you recently and wondering how you are. I'm never sure whether a flyby "how ya doing post" would be welcome or not (sometimes it feels like pressure) but now I wish I had. I was kinda hoping that you were just too weak from your detox to be able to type, but it seems not. So, the move to deepest darkest Kent has taken it's toll (who throws pizza slices?) and a new job to boot and no doubt other stuff going on. This too will pass. Why not give GA a go...what's to lose? There'll be free tea...maybe biscuits? How far did you get with the ACT stuff? I think there's a lot in there about finding fullfillment...being happy with our lot.

So, after filling my head with Teardrop Explodes last night, I now have U2's "Still haven't found what I'm looking for" going around in this bonce. Thanks for that.

Hope your day's ok. LB x

Hey V

Not popped by for a while, hope you are feeling more positive today, every day we are in recovery means we are actually going forwards, ( be it snail pace at times) :))

Just read a line from Dan to you, and I totally agree with him, The only thing I have done in moderation is my recovery journey too.

You have come a long way, further than you think, and your random thoughts prove it,

Time to be kind to you, let it all out, and then just let positives in. Stuff will come together,

Take care and keep safe and watch where you are throwing those butts,lol, they could end up costing more than the cigs :)))

Suzanne xxx

Thanks LB and Suzanne, your posts always mean alot. Hai LB and Suzanne, you amongst others have helped me heeps in this recovery lark. I am, I think is at a certain crossroads in my recovery. My mood this morning was dark, lack of sleep and cycling with potential switching addictions.

Regarding your question with ACT therapy, well not very far to be honest! Have reunited with quite an amusing therapist, but now more general convo rather than processing anything. But, on a repeat, I find a lot of amusing banter/ thoughts coming up in just by understanding Social anxiety... Thanks Louis

Yesterday morning, maybe hungover induced, I balled the little tears. And funny enough, they stemmed from thoughts of birds and how the swans now eat out of my hands. Up in Cumbria, I have a beloved skimpy red dress dancing queen 84 yr old aunt and I was very close to her late hubby, quite a well known pigeon racer and i followed the old man and unc's with loving birds. Soft git hai!. Has been a while, since his death and I had the absolute pleasure in saying goodbye, so, I know they were not a delayed tear fall, but as yet, im not completely sure where they came from?

I won't be doing GA this evening as still running around the smoke. I've just been for an interview, near to my familiar stomping ground. A good interview delivered but I'm ok at the moment, so not sure if I fancy more change.

Jumping here, but myself and my old man are quite big buds, which is quite a break through as we really couldn't stand each other for the first 30 yrs of my life. My hang up of a strong old man is over and can now see the evolution of myself there.

Have I made progress and made heeps of changes with recovery.. Yes. But, now I. ...........?

Now, for the B.S, as mentioned above, im greatfull to alot of people, past and present on this site. In the past couple of months, bitterness from one had caused a devide on this site. One bad apple as they say. A comment of glorification, stirred me, made me angry, yet also educated and scared me of how a cold black heart can evolve from addiction and hang ups on there life regrets. Even though, I still feel I need some support and will try and share any thing back, with which I've learned. But, in truth, im beat!! And will possibly become detrimental in others early recovery from this insidious gambling addictive disease. As, I wrote that, I thought is this heroic Paul or just a simple tired Paul. I pump for the latter and time will tell.......

Hey V thanks for the return of serve with the smile/chuckle:))) luv that bit about Boris ohh lol.

Pleased you have picked up a bit, and hey you too are a winner cos you are on here posting :)))

Hopefully Dan will be back, cos he will surely be missed otherwise, just like some other folk that have disappeared.think GT may be back incognito, (hope it is him cos that means he is ok)

Keep plugging/pushing and venting V, you are sooo much worth it, and thanks again for making me chuckle, how boring of Boris to not want to get on board with your petition, but am sure Dan is fine. he might be slightly wounded but he sure ain't licked.

Have a chill evening, and keep safe

Suzanne xxx

Thank you for checking in on me. Really appreciate it.

Not been posting much on the forum for the same reason as you.

Interesting thoughts.

Don't ever consider your posts to have self-pity. Plenty of self-awareness I always think.

You're making a lot of changes in your life because you're not happy with your lot. That's good, just try to keep the changes calculated and manageable.

Rough start to life in Kent. Stick with it. Give it a chance.

Think the initial adjustment of such a big change was never going to be easy. You're going to feel in unfamiliar surroundings and a bit uncomfortable. Probably why you have returned to familiar and comfortable habits.

Think there are plenty of positives amongst the doubt in your posts.

Crossroads? Maybe. From what I read I think you are on the right track.

Tracks are rough in places volcano.

Hi Paul

Thanks for the post and support on my diary, I am trying to do things differently this time and put the effort in, easier said then done. Glad you have reconnected with the therapist even if its not digging in the dirt. No coincidence that you seemed less prone to the up and down and mood swings while you had that support and outlet. Its true the forum has been toxic but then what do you expect from damaged people, no excuses for some of the behavour but I read and feel alot of myself in the comments.

Hi Paul,

For me I find that my engagement (or not) in this forum is directly related to my state of mind and my own recovery. When am gambling or thinking of gambling I don't engage at all. When ive reached another rock bottom I just want to vent my own self-pity. When am feeling secure in recovery I tend to read, write and think a little more deeply. When I haven't gambled for quite a while but am becoming complacent I drift away.

Today I am trying to re-engaged after relapse. I have no idea what the rows have been about on the forum, its all passed me by and I guess thats the thing, letting stuff bounce off.

I hope today you feel less tired and more settled in yourself.

Your support to me has been invaluable. Thanks

S.A

Never sure whether a flyby how ya doing post will be appreciated or not. I decided to risk it....

"how ya doing?"

LB x

So Paul, what will you do differently this time?

A Saturday and Sunday, drinking, watching footie and a moral zapping chase in the bookies.

This is day 1 again. Damages manageable and completely agree with SA'S post above. Struggling a little with recent move, boredom and isolation a bit of a killer and will possibly try and combat that for now in working as many weekends as I can. Hassle with the tax this week and the setting up of a Ltd company sending the head into a ' f**k it ' and letting things get on top of me.

Despite the second weekend on a trot, I still feal a element of progress, or is that trying to give my self a lift with the aid of denial.

I'm a single chap, my slips don't hurt anyone. A consolation! I spend alot of time wishing my life away and counting down days. Needless pressure as I forget to live. Have mastered existence and some good memory's to boot. Need some new memories and not the the ' f**k it ' ones in a injury time equaliser or close 2nd.

Not-KTF

Final thought.. Wouldn't life be easier if you followed your own advice... Do what I say, not as I do...

Paul, I hope the negativity that has been around the forum has not contributed/ triggered what you have already said about boredom, and isolation (big triggers I know) understand to, understand to, how this relapse has not affected you too much mentally, (my son ) I do think you are in denial at this time, ok you have not hurt anyone else, but dear Paul you are hurting yourself so much and the addiction is homing in on this.

You are right to think you have not been deeply hurt by this, but you are sooo very wrong to think it's still ok and you haven't been un scathed.

This is your own choice now, do you want to keep gambling, or do you want a new life, I I know you want a new life,

Gambling my friend is not an escape, it's just self destruction to us, me, ouresleves and I at the end of the day.

Be strong my friend, give your head. Good shake and get on with living, you are soo much worth being your own person, and being in control of your own life.

Sending you a big hug (((((V))))))) you sure deserve one

Suzanne xxx

You've hurt you. And that counts.

CW

Hi Paul your stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment.

i know you won't take offence but I get that feeling at the minute you are looking for excuses to gamble and not the reasons why you shouldn't

This time last week you was in this position after a small bet last weekend and was considering going to a GA meeting which in the end you could not make, is it on tonight? Could be worth checking out You come across to me as the sort of person who would benifit from GA and would be a benifit to the GA meeting you attend.

KTF.

It would've great if it is on. It could've just what you need tonight. Let's us know how you get on.

KTF

Came on to do a long rambling post full of questions for you...then I saw your post to Oldham. Good for you my friend...I'm very interested to know how you get on x

It dissapointments me coming here and licking my wounds like I did yesterday. The 3rd time this year.

The support here is superb and I feel humbled yet its like sometimes I want something to rub off from the long time abstainers.

For the second week on a trot I let my head drop by irrelevant b.s and let that be an excuse for a binge.. fool me!

I never stayed to find out whether GA was open last night. I let myself talk me out of it. I know deep within, to address this, I do need something external and GA does sound like a no brainer.. so, I know I will get there... I usually always do after my usual enemy of procrastination is dealt with by logic.

I feel moderately focused this morning. I leave a clean, organised home and a few boxes to tick today.

Final thought - King Richard and Buddha combine to help Leicester win the premiership.. Moral there - Don't isolate