Dormant

Your a good man Glint, whom I do admire on this forum with your wise words of support.

The majority of my posts are in truth just the hero/ ego written where i'm trying to be profound.

The person who taps now isn't the same person who was reaching beyond his comfort zone and trying to get a handle of who I actually am from earlier on in the year. Now, the person who taps is in truth someone quite scared of life, an over riding social anxiety hitting my personal heights and a over riding feeling of remorse and failure.

I'm finding it hard to accept that this unassuming, quiet ish chap has a over inflated ego and regrets of not kinda getting the basic ness of life.

I started a new contract on Monday, working with boss's who know my quirks, yet that didn't stop the flutter flies of social anxiety going nuts, hence having to put the mask on I've worn heaps. I look forward to my weekends and yet dread them in equal measure.

I'm a week since my last bet, this weekend I've switched from my primary and sit and swig beer. The lesser of 2 evils hai.

I do regret my past and yet to find balance with today. I have a regular watering hole where I live, sitting at the front of the stage, playing the grey man well and watching the fellow addicts and world go by.

My thoughts seem to go 80% work and 20% of how I get away from the place ive found myself at. A bad combo!

Being a sensitive chap to others isn't a bad thing, yet being over sensitive about my self, i find crippling.

I'm not really going any where with this post, but for now it's helping in forgetting a couple of drama's I have in the back ground and steering the thoughts away from a punt...

Paul thanks for the post. And also thank you for yours.
I trudged round this forum for sometime now. Looking for connection. I read the forum daily often of people who have found this new profound love of being gamble free. I'm not saying that in a bad way. It's just no matter how hard I've tried I don't feel that way
I feel like an ant carrying a mountain. In life i couldn't tell the difference between days because they feel like a repeated cycle
I feel like bill Murray having the same repeated day until I learn what it is. What am I missing that everyone else seems to click with?
Mate its a pleasure to see you posting again.
Hopefully we can find some answers
Have a good one bud

Finding the answers! I (we? ) probably have but have selective hearing.

I had nigh on 2 years gamble free when I first came to this forum. I personally was on a upward spiral as well as my bank balance. But life does have a habit of throwing curve balls and I had no foundations to fall back on. Have had glimpses of the upward curve since and doesnt necessary have to coincide with abstaining.

The flutter flies are at full full flight this weekend gone and still going nuts. A few beers probably didn't help but hai Ho. I don't think humans are very different to our canine/ feline pals when it comes to p*s.sing on territory and thats the S****e which has been spinning through my head this weekend.

Possibly a few lifes crisis's going on the same time at the moment. I'm kinda tired of the testorone/ ego game playing b.s of my industry. It bores me and tired of the game. I wonder if this feeling of dissatisfaction with work, which is pretty much my life a trigger for my relapses..... I think I just answered my own question there.

A 5/6 hour round journey on this new contract, so as like yesterday using this forum to stop thinking about the S****e I need to deal with on this job.....

Balance needed

Volcano - I have the exact same problem with my own job. So tired of dealing with the nonsense. Last night I kept repeating how bad today is going to be, how my boss is going to lay into me for something trivial, how I get pressured to make more money for the company all the time etc. Such a massive factor in my mental state detoriating this weekend. I don't like it having such a negative impact on me.

Morning, V,

Glad to see you back on the forum.

There's a warning bell in your last post and the reply, an element of wanting to blame an external factor or person and if only that factor wasn't there, you wouldn't be tempted. And it's outside your control.

It's not a helpful thought process for you. Recovery means taking responsibility for what you do. And you don't have to have an addiction to have an unsympathetic boss or a difficult work environment. Or any of life's routine and less routine problems.

Would still recommend GA as the long term prop. Nothing new about that, but it might be a case of the help that you need being close by all along.

CW

Thanks Change and CW. V appreciated.

Couldn't agree more there CW and im aware of it. This is what I mean about balance being needed, ie getting a life. Wheareas I give my best and focus when I'm at work and do exactly the same with life... The latter im failing with.

More excuses here but I need an interest and accept the things I've lost as well as living some where I can call home sweet home..

You're the same man who tapped away earlier this year Paul. The same man who first came to the forum and quit gambling for two years. The same man who knows how to get himself on an upward spiral and is better prepared now to deal with the inevitable curve balls.

You had a necessary heroic hint and a healthy inkling of ego in your posts. That's a good thing. Needed.

Must be noted that it was never just about you: when I joined the forum you offered a great amount of support, advice (myself being one of many grateful recipients, thank you) and even prizes to the forum. At times I struggled to keep up with all your posts. A welcome sight to see a glimpse of that part of you returning to the forum.

You need to believe in yourself and be brave to reach beyond your comfort zone.

You did that, made big changes, it was a big effort, it hasn't worked out how you/we would've liked and you have retreated back to the comfort zone of drinking and gambling because it's easier than addressing the all-too-familiar drawing board back in front of you.

Remarkably similar to my year.

Get the social anxiety. Load of building work going on where I'm renting. Workmen and landlords coming and going. I'm staying locked in my room until they all go. I'm comfortable being hungry and thirsty, I'll take that over having to speak to people today.

Think having regrets is healthy. People should regret mistakes. Otherwise you'd be a person going around doing what you like, hurting whoever and not caring.

Not caring: not cool.

There ain't no MisstepChange regret management plan, we have to learn from, deal and live healthily with regret. Like many things - easier said than done.

Get the problem with struggling with the basics. I could put my mask on, leave this room, speak to whoever crosses my path and act normal without them having any idea how difficult it is for me to do something so basic. I've got good at hiding things over the years rather than dealing with them.

The coast is now sounding clear, might make a break for a biscuit and some water after this post.

Anyway, everything I write to you tends to apply to myself. We need to not ruminate on regrets, force ourselves out of the comfort zone, propel ourselves into action, never stopping, never quitting until we find that elusive happiness and sweet home.

You go first!

Thanks for the share on my diary Paul. Your right i was loving learning about my addiction and when I started the journey I was on a high because I had found the person I longed to be. Yet I still have a desire inside to self destruct.
At the moment I'm at the end of the road. Or the start of a new one
Before I start the foundation I need to work out where the pins go. (look at us doing brickie talk)
Paul if I can help me. That must mean you can help you there's a way out for both of us.
Get your diary active I do miss your post's although I have to google some of the words.
I am a brickie after all
I do forgive you for crossing the line and becoming an agent.
I always thought they were failed chipies
Sharing is caring brother

Thanks for dropping by...I like seeing you about on here. Unfortunately the positives of the summer only lasted a day after I wrote that post...went on a 36 hour bender and wiped out all the good work. Don't even have the usual rush of emotions post blowout...just feel kind of resigned to it. Another self inflicted shi.temare.

Anyhoo. It is what it is. I won't ramble on your diary. Will update mine soon enough. Good to see you x

You've got to fight for your right to party Glint. I do enjoy reading your posts and the way you think. Respect!! & respect to Dean and LB, slowly, slowly catchee monkey!!

I'm tentavely making an update. And will be last update whilst I'm walking on thin ice, at the moment i wouldn't say relapsing, as pretty planned footie bets at weekends. Possibly a big bi.te on my arrogant ar.se coming up. So, that's pretty much my update with regards to gambling, hai Ho, time will tell....

Update on life, im now working/ living away in some nice Surrey sleepy village and go home at weekends. My jaunt down to kent hasn't really worked out and will look to move north next year, possibly after moving via back to London. I kinda like the life stile of not being based some where and like the mixture of the country / city life, so that's my aim to find the balance in between.

So, upshot - all's ok, yet wary.

ps.. how's you doing Glint, how's life on a scale 1-10?

I've just got the enigma team to decipher your update as I'm a bit thick. You know us brickies pounds and pence is all we know
It's actually good to see you posting even with gambaling in it
Who am I to judge

Hopefully your in a good place and enjoying all that life gives
Peace out brother
Keep free styling

Thanks Paul. I will get there.

Sorry to hear that you're not liking life in my part of the world.To be fair it's not the most exciting county, but I'd like to know what Surrey's got that we haven't?! Lol.Sounds like you've got a plan that will suit you and that mix of city and country seems a good one.I did read something the other day along the lines of wherever we go/travel we always take ourselves with us.So if we're not happy in ourselves then changing location doesn't help. Which may be true or may be like a lot of other self help blah...just nonsense. You seem to be doing ok, and I for one think that's a pretty good place to be x

Thanks for the ramble. Do I feel guilty about about not being happy with my lot? Yes, probably. Guilty about a lot of things I guess. A lifestyle that most people would be very satisfied with and yet I'm not. Choices made that can't be undone. A level of guilt that I'm the lucky one not to be six foot underground but all I'm doing is wasting my time away. It's an interesting question but I can't delve too much into it right now. I'm tired of thinking at the moment. I'm doing my own head in! But yes, Louis and the quest for values. I've not forgotten it.

LB x

Oi!

Do like a lot of that punk rock ethos.

Well, I'm very much still a dysfunctional addict, remaining rapidly on the decline languishing lost in thought. Silently wasting away.

Scale of 1-10?

Gotta be a solid 8 I'd say.

Thank you for asking.

My misfortunes in life have increasingly over the years become my own making. I'm good. Poised to start - what would be - a remarkable turnaround.

That's exciting.

I'm here and want to make a difference.

Can be a struggle at times.

Who would of thought virtual trotting could have such a strong pull?

Pleased to read you're in Surrey. I hear it's nice down there. Imagine the feral peep throwing minority in that place come armed to the teeth with gourmet caviar.

Glad you're living away there. No more of those prolonged crazy cross-country voyages that you call commutes!

Think you need to leave Kent. Delighted to see you have that aim. Self-confidence and focus can come from having an aim, you need that focus on finding the right balance. Might even find it in a place called 'home sweet home'.

Let me know if you do because I'm not sure such a place exists either.

Good to read that you're okay. Like your good honest contributions around the forum. Keep them coming.

Your weekend plans can always be cancelled. Aims, well that's quite different volcano: aims are there to be achieved.

And you can be sure I'll be here to see you achieve them.

I could natter away for hours on corruption but they won't like it.
And we can't change it. But we can stop them doing it to us.
Have a great weekend bud