down right stupid and can't stop

Hi tappy

Im off work too today but just due to not wanting to face anyone. I have a very stressful managers pposition and just didnt think I could keep it together as got no sleep everything whizzing round in my head. So I will catch up on my sleep and get back inyo it tomorrow. Sorry your back is bad, not good timing. Sounds like you are feeling positive so keep those thoughts going and stay strong. For today we will not gamble!

Bex x

Hi bex, I hope you manage to catch up on sleep I understand the stress of the position you hold oh so well but sometimes that will help to keep busy and motivated I find helping others with there problems helps me with mine if you know what I mean, I hope to be up and about very soon but yes positive thoughts and try again for a plan :0) today we shall not gamble x

Arrrrggghhhhhg still day 1......doing well got through some paper work when my partner came up (am laid up in bed bad back) so I started speaking about my mother's upcoming 60th although we do not have a good relationship due too past circumstance and the fact she doesn't seem bothered with me at all I am a respectful daughter always go extravagant xmas n birthdays mother day when I do see her I'm respectful maybe I do all this so maybe one day she would love me but anyway finances being as they are I'm panicking feeling bad it's her 60th right what can I do get that doesn't cost much anyway his bright idea wait for it yes he knows I'm a gambling addict well he says it's choice but neither the less he knows I'm struggling so he goes take her to bingo..... shel enjoy it bingo dear me how does he not understand that that's no good for me while I'm trying and when I point this out he says bingo is not gambling I attually am dumb struck

Oh no my heart dropped when I read that, thats not very supportive and shows a total lack of under standing. From what you have said that is the worst present you could give her for the both of you. And realistically most like to cost you alot more then maybe your average present. what about taking her out for dinner, you could have a look online for vouchers which might reduce the cost and give you the opportunity for some time just you and your mum and no machines in sight. Just some mother/daughter time with no distractions would be good for you both? Stay strong you can do this and in time im sure he will get a better understanding.

Hello Stranger, welcome back 🙂 We did hook up back in November but you had so much to deal with all @ once, I guess it just got too much? Great to see you've not given up giving up 🙂

Try not to be too mad @ your partner, they just don't get it! My OH is only just now figuring out now how to help & I have yelled (a lot)...I'm guessing a lot maybe to do with me being in recovery & actually wanting it now rather than using him as a scapegoat for never stopping me before! I imagine your partner was as perplexed as you were & could just imagine how that would have gone down in our house but a few months ago 🙁 OH standing there looking gormless & me all red faced from the exertion of the swearing :-0

I am sorry to hear about your Mum as you sound like you would love a relationship with her! Can you bake? Or, I have given cheap wicker baskets (you can't beat a good pound shop) lined with a sheet of wrapping paper with fruit in them before or a salad hamper if you would get moaned @ for giving cake!

You did 10 years of recovery so you know how it feels & you do still have it in you! Yes, you had a very long blip but be strong & take things One Day At A Time. It sucks that you are back but important for people like me that you have come back with this honesty because it proves that beating gambling is a life long devotion! I hope your are back on your feet & fighting fit soon!

Be strong - ODAAT

Thanks bex I couldn't quite believe it and no not ideal for either of us although she wouldn't agree to going for a meal either bingo is probably the only place she would want to go with me but that's not happening, and as her birthday is this weekend I am flat broke as wage day not till the next, I was thinking of maybe making her a scrap book and buy her a small present I dunno was dumb struck at his unthoughtfulness of it all and yet he was the one who left then screamed shouted and said he'd leave permanatly if I got us into any more mess but I should realise he doesn't believe I am an addict he believes it's my choice and I have control over it no matter how I've tried to explain or begged for his help and support on a positive note I have no urge right now and realised if I'm going to do this I need to keep my boys front most in my mind and ignore stupid remarks that he says to me

Thanks oddat my quote to my eldest son is I'm not perfect but I won't give up trying and I indeed intend too live upto that back in November I think it all took me by storm but nothing much changed I became more miserable with having brought it out into the open and the pain that came with it but I am determined if I can but get to one month with a clear gamble free bank statement I will feel just a little better that's my first goal, your diary is inspiring and I too wish you the best of luck in as you said a life long battle x

Fortunately, we live in a world where no-one is perfect (not even me - or the Queen!) & all we can do is give the best of ourselves! Gambling makes us forget how to do that so the further you walk away from these wretched days, the clearer your head will be to give that intention your undivided attention!

I know I'm not your Mum but I would take a scrap book everyday over extravagant gifts & I think it's a wonderful idea!

It's a shame Half-Life (partner of a CG) doesn't have a diary, seeing things from the otherside may help your frustrations with your partner who I expect is trying to protect himself. It's very hard for us to make sense of why we do it so even if he did sit down & try you may not be any further forwards! Focus on your boys & hopefully as the fog starts to clear, your relationship will start to improve - ODAAT

Been contemplating the last part of your message it would I guess help if I could see or understand how it makes the oh feel too it's day one is almost over no urge lots of paperwork sorted, scrapbook started , decided to make it a bit like this is your life and getting my sisters etc too get me pictures :0) defo been a day of reflection and I feel calm for the first time in a while.one step nearer to the next
quote for day one !!!!gambling the sure way of getting nothing for something !!!!!
Today is a gamble free day :0)

Well done for making day 1!! One step at a time 🙂 x

Day two..... I thought it may help to relive the last time I was a bad compulsive gambler when I was in recovery and lasted 10 years maybe something may trigger why I stopped and held stopping for so long so long..... my earliest memory with interact with gambling I was about 6, off to town me my sisters and brother were trudged and we went into the arcade we all sat watching either mum or dad pounding pound after pound into the machine wooo jackpot I remembered how my mother looked down with the biggest smile on her face handed us all a pound each and sent us for sweets, I remember my step dad counting out a few quid saying this is for my tobacco handing us a few bob and then off they went back too pounding in the pounds, but on a good day oh we ate great teas had sweets and I could see the joy in my mother's eyes I always remember that.....Other days when things wernt good each of us were sent errands to neighbours one for potatoes, bread, eggs just so we could eat that day ......childhood took a bleaker turn once I hit 14 but that's a different story when I was 16 I met my first partner the father of two of my boys,at 19 I had my first son said partner went to prison. this triggered I started going meeting my mum and sisters in the same old arcade every Tuesday first I stood and just watched thinking how stupid they were often bailing mum out when she lost but baby in tow I kept meeting them every Tuesday my sister had won one day handed me five pounds and said here have a play I did I won twenty pounds I shovelled the winnings into my pocket and went and bought my baby a new big flashy toy, that was it I was hooked.....
on my own, on benifits I didn't work it went on , I'd say a year later was my lowest point I'd gone too meet them on the Tuesday always the same meeting place I was late and it seemed they'd already lost all they had they said there goodbyes and then I took my baby back into said arcade and played I won I lost I won I LOST not even the bus fare left to go home I had to walk and it's a fare distance I remember all the way home I racked my head what could I do no money nothing in arrrrggghhhhhg, the final breakdown was I arrived home went too change my son and realised I had meant to pick up nappys nappys for jesus sake what mother gambles all her money away and doesn't buy nappys so I went to my real dad's and he bailed me out I lied and said I hadn't been paid..and I got a job ... that was that for a few years
I slipped back in about 3 years later partner was out had second son but things werent good with said partner he took drugs he lied he cheated he was never there so I ended it again similar I had left us with nothing when I'd gambled one day I went home I cried and said no more and I rebuilt myself didn't meet my mum sisters I worked hard,got friends and looked after my boys life was good ...

So what's happened this time too drag me back in firstly I do not hold anyone a countable for my actions I believe it is my problem and having stopped before know it's me ..... so a good life for many years me my two boys friends nights out work everything was good but something was missing..4 years ago I met oh.things were great understanding loving everything I dreamed of .....3 years ago things moved quite fast he moved in I was pregnant and he changed it was a hard first year he had his own demons which I hadn't realised before he became controlling of me i didnt see it at first my friends came round less, nights out stopped, he'd pick at little things...I started having the odd ten on bingo he would encourage this while he had a drink.... things hit an all low and I said enough was enough If he didn't change he had to leave and he did he stopped drinking stopped shouting wonderful nooo he replaced shouting with silence days and days of silence no friends work was hard new baby who is a handful although I love him with all I am and wouldn't change him he's a little terror and Id never felt so alone so i turned to my phone and the gambling increased escape I didn't think didn't feel just span those wheels and here I am today fighting those urges

Sorry for the long entries for some reason I thought I need to get this out today to analyse to put some comparison barriers help blocks in place .... I believe the strong support system I put round me in my friends long ago was my biggest benifit and so I am going to try build a few bridges, secondly already done is the blocker on my phone, in November I spoke to my dad about things altho we haven't spoke about it again I think I'm going to try bottling up doesn't help
anyway sorry for the ranting on I am now on day two!!! today will be gamble free x

Iv felt your pain & im sorry that you continue to live with it. Addiction for me was not my problem, reality was, addiction was my solution it allowed me to escape it soothed me it asked of me nothing emotionally that i couldnt handle. It allowed me to live in a dreamworld where nobody or nothing could harm me. It allowed me to believe that my life could be better on the spin of a reel. Unfortunately it doesnt work it is a short term solution for a long term problem. So how do we escape the cycle of addiction? For me the only thing that has worked is directly facing that of which pains me. Until i solve my emotional issues regarding family friends partners, my feelings of anger frustrations & resentments to them & myself, addiction will always remain

Thank you, I agree in all youve said I am currently talking through my issues with a councillor after going back onto my anti ds in November hopefully in dealing with all of that it may help I to find the gambling a great escape and a way of dealing with things without dealing with them but as you put the addiction I belives will stay and it isn't a healthy lifestyle for any of us , I hope you find peace one day x