down right stupid and can't stop

Day 3..... wow how positivity can change so fast .... I'm just typing a quick entry in the mist of doing my boys teas as really could do with a head escape my first thought was spin but I'm resisting I really do need to be strong now as I am now on my own.... Once to often he told me what a failure I am today I counted 5 times I was trying to sort the rubbish bags out as since being laid up a week the bin was missed n dogs had been at the bags so I was picking it all up (in pain was not the word) for him to tell me I was doing it wrong (how do u bag up rubbish wrong I'm still asking myself) I lost it and pushed him (I swear that was it I pushed him) anyway the reaction to that wasn't pleasent and it hit me things where never going to change, how could I be strong in this situation when I just wanted to curl up and let the world pass I'm not perfect I know this but I also think I'm not a bad person so with everything I had I told him it was over, we argued he told me to call the police back and forth I just pleaded he left and with that he did.... not going to lie n say my heads not battered it is but I keep telling myself I have to keep it together for my boys now my little terror is down to me (I've said previously I do quite struggle with him ) And having my back which is now even more painful it's gonna be hard but I can do this I need to do this, u all may think I'm mad coming straight on here with my c**P day but it attually feels like I'm talking to someone n right now at this moment there's no one I can I am alone and scared.

Hi tappy

So sorry to hear you had a bad day and all tthat going on. Ive been in a relationship just like that where I was totally controlled and couldn't do anything right but it will make you stronger each day that passes,you can do this. You don't deserve to be treated like that and probably add s to your need to gamble. You have your kids to focus on which is a great things. It's great that you came on here when you felt the urge and staying strong. I don't know if it would be of any support but if you wanted someone to talk to when you are feeling vulnerable we could exchange detail s and only be a message away. I only say this as i think we've had so many similar situations. Anyway think about itand remain positive. You've made it to day 3 now on to day 4.

Bex x

You're not alone on here!

It's not for me to get involved in people's personal lives but you picked yourself up as a single mother before, you can do it again! Yes your baby can be a little terror but he is your little terror & you will find a way to cope especially without all the negativity surrounding you @ the moment dragging you down! This may be the kick he needs to realise he has to suppprt you or he may be gone but either way & regardless of how you got here, you had the strength to say today, enough & it is that strength that will see you through! I suffer with my back & that alone can be crippling without any additional stress so I really feel for you now! Sort the family out & get yourself off to bed, things always look better in the morning!

Wishing you strength! You are fixing you - ODAAT

Firstly Thanks bex and odatt,the kids are tooked up sleeping uniforms and lunches sorted and just had a nice soak in the bath,
I haven't really had much time to think about things except I need to get my act back together and kept reminding myself I've done this before so I can do it again, the house feels calmer, i guess tomorrow I'm going to have to get a real plan of action in place before I go back to work (he used to have cayden while I worked as he doesnt) im gutted I cant/couldn't make it work with him two real relationships my whole life and couldn't make either work no matter how I try maybe it is me I was told once "we only receive the love we think we deserve".... I typed in one of the sites before coming on here am only glad I installed secureteen my eldest put the password on it so thank heavens for that, I need to do this more than ever while I get back on my feet on that note I'm going to try get some sleep it's been a long day
today was a gamble free day and I pray I will be better tomorrow than I am today x

Day 4..... housework done baby sleeping boys at school and s uprising today I feel calm,numb, my biggest failure in life is my gambling addiction and this now more than ever is going to be my priority on fixing!!! Going to my dad's later to ask if he'd help out looking after the kids to be able to go to ga meetings part from getting a sitter theres nothing stopping me now and reading a lot on here it helps... I am all in ..... right now I have a lot going on and the need to escape the urge is high but not high enough to beat what in a week or two when the kids are in bed and I am sat alone will I be able to resist .... I'm not confident I will be so need to put some extra support in place
day 4 will be a gamble free day x

Day 5.... urge very very strong glad the boys have gone to there dad's and took laptops and secureteen on phone ..... pain in my back is killing maybe cause I've had to do more since oh left rang docs about sick note as mine runs out Monday boss not happy .... need to get my act together and fast think being at work would help distraction etc attually asking myself is my head making me feel like the pain is worse than it is ?? Tho hobbling about like a ninety yr old tells me its real day 5 soon be a week

Day 6..... work have said I can go in an be office bound so back on Monday I think this will be good back cushion support at the ready :0) been busy looking for
nurseries for my likkle man :0)
read an article which I found
deeming positive uplifting stuff on the not beating yourself up so much http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/
all in all in an uplifted mood maybe that fighter spirit is still inside and showing it's presence :0) today will be gamble free

Just clicked the link I'd posted the article I was referring to it is 20 signs were doing better than we think ;0) thanks too all for all your support hope everyone is staying on the good fight and doing well x

Day 7 ..... A small victory a small success having gambled everyday for months on end and it's been a horrendous week but strangely I feel calm ..... so far this week
researched,read, researched and read
put blockers in place
prioritised bills with a clear plan on paying all my debts off by November
researched and read help techniques causes anything really associated
thought analysed myself thought abit more
realised that the only way forward is one day at a time with each day feeling a little stronger in myself again
on that note day 7 will be gamble free

Hi tt,

Well done on day seven, you are right we can reach so much only by taking it day at a time. Some days are good and some are a little harder to get over with. Keep everything in your arsenal to aid a little low days. It is possible,..not an easy road but recovery is the only solution to set yourself free.
Get your life back and be proud of your achievements!

Day at a time

S x

Hey you congratulations on the 1st week, so glad that you are starting to feel calmer 🙂

I have had back issues for as long as I can remember & much of it is linked to being scrunched up & tense because the muscles all tighten! Funnily enough since starting out on this recovery path, now I think about it, it has bothered me less & less! My Chiropracter mentioned when I saw her the other day how unusual it is to only be seeing me for maintenance...I didn't put 2 & 2 together til just now :-0 Hopefully you body will respond as you start to feel a bit stronger! I personally think you are better off @ work if you can manage to get there ok but don't overdo it!

Keep strong - ODAAT

Thank you both for the messages :0)
day 8 .... back to work I am shattered and hurting lol but at least an early night will be on the cards .... a thought today occurred even though I haven't got it and can't see it I attually saved 140 this week haha as somehow I'd of found that to gamble at least in a week I'm now looking forward to attually watching the penny's pay off my debt and maybe one day grow a little into savings here's to one day at a time :0)
I think the space from oh is doing me good .....maybe an issue I need to work out once and for all as the house is calm, i am calm me and the boys are once again curling up watching a film or playing a game.... triggers??? Sad that 3 years into it it has come to this

Hi,1980,

Well done on 8 days of winning and getting your life back, being in recovery is quite amazing, because we start to really find out about US, each day you will learn a little something new, and thst is one of the gifts thst recovery gives us.

Stay strong and keep positive and keep moving forwards

Take care,

Suzanne xx

Hi tappy, noticed you didn't post yesterday, hope all is well & it's just life that's keeping you away!

I trust you are looking after your back & making the most of all the snuggles 🙂

Hey odatt, was hectic yesterday getting back into the swing of things on my own work home kids housework was shattered and my backs not the greatest but got a back support on so plodding on, thought id drop on to write before boys are home from school and the fun begins again :0) I don't want to get complacent as wage days coming up and am hoping the urges don't try and overtake a few thoughts have popped into my head but I've shoed them away with a bottle of bleach and a cleaning cloth haha I won't complain about things its good to be busy and sleep is coming easier so for today day 10 it will be gamble free :0)