Easy liВЈe/ fast liВЈe Dervkidd

This week has seen a u turn in my life from last week...I actually finished a friday not so P****d off...Actually, I have doen a few small positive things this week which may pan out my future....I dont really know what people think about me? I guess I'm not the centrepoint of anyone's attention...I do like to be noticed and sometimes I can feel strong negative emotions..Keep pressing on!!

Well after my last session of counselling I must admit I have a lot of things on my mind, that is part of my whole issue. You see, I do things to the extreme. I want too much too soon! I want to be at the top. I am fearful about life, I worry most of the time. I think people are trying to upset me. I am constantly fighting. When I reflect on all the things...I feel like running away...Why? Because I'm trapped, at work, in this house, in the country....

Some people keep quiet, I think I should too....I need some space for myself. I have to unwind...Be realistic... The world can be a dark place sometimes...I just need to deal with the issues in a REALISTIC way....

Thanks.

I actually feel a lot better. Had two days off work sick. The rest helped and perhaps I was exhausted? I am starting to regain what's left of my 'old self' and it feels good... I'm managing things in a postive way.

80 days

Been here before..

Not sure what to say? I have lied to myself over and over again! What makes this any different? I guess this time around...I am exhausted-

Whatever it was that drove me to gamble is very powerful. I think that 'power' can be used for other things in a more positive way; although that entirely depends on the way you percieve, process & reflect on the information around you..

Hi dervkidd, thanks for the honesty earlier in chat 🙂 I am struggling to join the dots @ the moment & you did a good job of laying it down for me! I did know this diary (I thought I did) & having had a refresh, I can see the shift from the money to recovery. I still struggle to comprehend why you & so many others 'self harm' as you put it 🙁 I hope for you that it isn't the exhaustion that makes this time different but the effort you have put in with the counsellor! You are fighting demons but you have the weapons to fight so never give up on yourself! Keep fighting - ODAAT

Thanks odaat,

I realize something about a very dark place...Verrry dark!!

...You shouldn't try to manage your problems too much!! It makes things worse!

I am now 103 days smarter! Not as much a compulsive gambler no more!

I admit, did stupid stuff....

Work was making me tired & stressed...So, you know what?.....I SLEPT MORE! That's it ....As easy as that...Because when people see that you are weak they exploit you..Just like the Bookies.....Everything you do in this world is motivated by others so they can feed....You too...

Pick yourself up, dust your old self down & RISE UP!

123 days...Just goes to show..It can be done, and easily undone....No regrets! Just focus & you CAN & WILL beat ten tonne of c**P out of this so called 'addiction'....

Just thought that everyone knows I'm an ex gambler..Not sure if it is paranoia but it seems like I wont be getting a promotion from work anytime soon...Perhaps I shouldn't have told that one person who then bleated my business to everyone who stands up in the f*g shelter at work...Btw, I dont smoke...

Well the past six weeks have been strange...I went away to HK, then China...I also crossed into the Land of Smiles...Basically I quit my job for another abroad. All this happened after I became tired of work here...Now unfortunately I'm back because my career never took off in China... So, unemployed and ready for the next challenge! Carpe Diem!

Still not gambled for 181 days However, I have been itching to gamble...Usually when I do posts like this I fail...aNY suggestions?

-

Lol, thanks man...Great to have a bit of support...This is a low time for me..

Lol, thanks man...Great to have a bit of support...This is a low time for me..

So many mistakes I have made throughout my history, I kind of think that- hey, another f**k up wont make a difference (go for broke)...I am certain it will end in misery...I am due to unlock my isa on monday because my funds have dwindled therefore it is a huge challenge to be unemployed and have that cash readily available....Just wondering what this planet has left for me? I am a male 41 yrs old...I think I have always pushed people away from me for fear of being trapped...The thing is I absolutely crave 'love' I just can't reach it...No job, money or person can come close enough to give me the answers...Lonely or what!

-