Enough is ENOUGH!!

Hey unaitsert

Welcome to the forum - not where either of us would want to be, but take heart from the fact you are here and you've declared positive intentions for getting yourself out of the addiction and into recovery.

Like you I'm pretty new to the forum - I am 9 days without gambling and am already beginning to feel the benefits in terms of my physical, mental an financial wellbeing. I wasn't sure about the diary stuff and all the posting and things, but it is so supportive and helpful - the feeling of isolation you may have can be removed to an extent by sticking with your diary and reading others experiences.

I've been gambling for years an have always laughed off the possibility that I could be addicted - I'm 'too strong willed to be controlled by something like gambling'........eh, wrong. Last Monday I admitted to myself, my parents and some of the closest people to me that I had a problem. I gave up my bank card and credit cards, I self excluded from all online accounts, I relinquished all access to money, put up as many barriers to the temptation as I could ie avoiding going into town, having money on me etc. In doing so I gave up on a bit of ego, a lot of self esteem, control of my money........but I also gave myself the best chance I possibly could of beating it. It may seem extreme, but you need to take extreme measures to beat it. The hardest thing about all of it wasn't the giving up on all of those things.......it was the shame of telling my parents. But you know, 9 days on and Ive got the support of my folks, the support of the forum and I am beginning to feel a bit better about myself.

In that time I've realised that I wasn't being the person I am - my life was being consumed by something that was doing me no good and would never satisfy me unless I was losing. It has to be one of the worst illnesses there is - seems to be very little sympathy for gambling addicts. But you're not alone, there are so many people on here that want you to win in a completely new way and being true to yourself and what you really want will win through. The difference between us is that I'm almost twice your age - I wish I could have had the guts that you have shown today 20 years ago and made completely different life decisions then.......I would be financially better off, I would be mentally better off, I would have kept so many strong and precious relationships and probably most importantly, I would be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. Those things will come for me eventually........but I so wish that I had admitted it in the way you have way back then.

You should be so proud of what you have achieved today - use the forum, tell someone you trust you need their help - do what you can before you get paid on Thursday to protect yourself from the temptation - read the other diaries to see what other people have and are doing and keep reminding yourself that you can do this.......think positively about what you want, not what you don't want ie I want to be free of my debts, I want to like myself, I want to be happy.....rather than I don't want to gamble. Turn the negative of how you feel now into the positive of how you will feel at the end of today, the end of tomorrow etc........and none of that will be gained through gambling.

Best of luck and keep in touch,

Mr Brightside

Hi Mrbrightside

Firstly congratulations on being 9 days free of gambling and taking the time to reply to my post. You sound like your on the right track and getting things sorted out for the better! Although you may be twice my age it is never too late to stop!

I may have admitted to myself that I'm a gambling addict but never really done anything about it, I envy the fact you have told people your problems as I see this as the most difficult thing to do because like you say, a lot of people overlook gambling addictions as not a serious problem when in fact it's one of the worst.

I am so stubborn to the fact of losing all my money and telling someone about it, I earn a lot more than my family and girlfriend as I have quite a good job but they are so much more better off than me so telling them would make me so ashamed and embarrassed. I seem to be in a vicious circle of work hard- gamble- lose- borrow money- get paid- and it's gone already.

I see the point of giving my cards to someone close but then they would know how much I owe. My payslip makes me sick every week as it states what I've earned in the tax year and knowing I have a minus figure in reality is truly unbareable

I should maybe say day one starts from Thursday as it will be the first day I could gamble? I don't know but all I want is to see the positives and be able to sleep at night afford essentials and get clear from this mess I'm in before I lose everything.

I'm not a great writer but I really do intend on keeping this diary as a way if communication and a possitive push in the right direction with the help from others like yourself:)

Thanks Unaitsert

Hey Unaitsert

Thanks for coming back to me. Please think long and hard about how much you want to kick this terrible affliction and live the life you are working so hard to forge for yourself and potentially your girlfriend.

I lost count the amount of times I allowed my pride or stubbornness or ego or whatever stop me from telling someone close to me. It's tough mate, but nowhere near as tough as continuing in the cycle you describe - work hard etc. and also the self loathing and guilt that goes with it.

I was dreading telling my parents and the reaction I would get from them - disappointment, shock, anger, upset......every negative emotion. However, what I forgot was that fundamentally they want me to be happy - and if gambling was making me as unhappy as I was then they would do anything to help me get through it. That's exactly what's happened - an hour of getting it all off my chest, answering their questions, being honest with them........for 9 days now of living within my means, nit gambling and a glint if light at the end of what's been a very long, very dark and even more lonely tunnel.

Please find that inner courage to do it fella - create the very best conditions for yourself to succeed.

You're writing is great - it's honest, it's real and it's you. Feel proud of what you are doing. Stay in touch mate.

Mr Brightside

MR Brightside,

I think I will have to try to find a really good time to tell those close to me, at the moment the time isn't right I don't think. However I like talking on here and having people that are going through the same thing give me advice and help, that's surely a positive 🙂

Although payday is tomorrow I came into a little bit of money yesterday from online sales and sure enough the urge to gamble was there and as strong as ever, I was thinking maybe I should gamble this to win and set me on my way, then stop forever! I never went through with it and put my bank card in a different room walked out the house and got some fresh air, feels good to know I still have that money the day after receiving it. Of course the urge is there again today but I gave my bank card to my girlfriend so I have no money to get hold of as she's took it home with her, not knowing the real reason behind it but has helped calm the urge, also try to focus on other things to keep my mind clear of gambling and losing money.

Thanks for listening

Unaitsert

Hey Unaitsert

Creating the conditions that are right for you has to be the right way. That's superb what you did today - firstly removing yourself from the source and then giving it to your girlfriend. Maybe just 'forget' to get it back from her!! You've won a huge victory today mate and can add that to the new 'reasons to be proud' list.

Promise yourself that when this big challenge comes tomorrow that you will stay strong, use the forum and that you are better than the old gambling ways. They are your past and not your future.......your future is already looking amazing without it.

Get excited that it's payday tomorrow - you worked hard for that money and you can do good with it - ok, that might look like paying off a bit of debt as part of it.........but that's you another step closer to financial freedom too!!

You're coming out of your cage too mate!!

Take care and will be thinking about you tomorrow.

Mr Brightside

MR Brightside,

Today's the day-real test

My girlfriend brought back my card last night, I've used it this morning to pay off a little debt like you said but there's still quite a bit left and the urge has just started...

Coming on here is now my first step to forgetting and controlling the urge to gamble, I havnt done any Xmas shopping yet so that's what I'm going to spend some on but the urge is still there even though I know what I need to do..

Paying off a little bit of debt feels like a huge lift of my shoulders although there's along way to go doing something about it is very gratifying.

How are you getting on?

Hope you've managed to stay strong and use some of your own great advise to keep yourself on the straight and narrow!:)

Your kind words really help in situations like this and it's good to speak to someone:)

Keep up the good work yourself and let me know how your doing

Unaitsert

Hey fella - how's it going? Been thinking about you a lot today and was delighted to see that you're still strong at 1pm today! I paid some debt off yesterday and while not nice to give someone back what I owe them, you're right that there is something more fulfilling paying it back knowing that I'm not going to be asking for it back in a few days time via a cash line!

Today has been such a huge test for you - if you manage it through then you are going to have won a massive massive victory. I've got every confidence in you and only say 'if' because I don't want you beating yourself up if you come on here later having relapsed a bit. I still think the temptation of having access to money would be too much for me - I'll have the utmost respect if you can do this!!

I'll be delighted if you drop me a note later tellin me you've done it!!

I've got through today ok - hard seeing people upset and would typically be the type of thing I'd then go and isolate myself and gamble for a while to try and shut it all out. Been with my mum and dad a lot of the day and then went over to my daughters house and have put some outside lights on a tree - pretty much just kept myself busy........but the demon is still on the shoulder - I have to admit that I'd be struggling if I could access money.

Right - I'm heading to the nursery to get my tiny terrorist - she'll keep me busy enough now!!

Mr Brightside

Hey - just checking in and a bit worried you've not been back on today. Let me know how you're doing mate. Please stay strong.

Mr Brightside

Hey mate - I know you'll be reading this - so where are you? Drop me a note and let me know what's happening buddy - worried about you. I'm hoping you've not, but if you have relapsed then that's fine, just get right back on it again - assess what happened and try to avoid when conditions conspire again. Really hope you've not, but no shame if you have. I really want to win in this together.

Take care,

Mr Brightside

MR Brightside

Just like to apologia for not replying to you earlier I work shifts and just finished this afternoon but things went great yesterday I never gambled at all and managed to keep my mind busy, although she doesn't know it the missus is a great help ha

Urges were there yesterday but I managed to suppress them long enough when I wasn't with her and kept my mind busy, paid people some money back and got a lot of Christmas shopping done 🙂 it's great to be giving you good news!!

However still got some money in the bank today/tonight and the urge was there as soon as I was finishing work! I managed to just walk straight into my front door, ignore the bookies and here I am 🙂 bookies closing as I write this so temptation is easing but not gone totally as there's still online but I've convinced my self to come on here and read some diaries if I get big urges to gamble

This thing really bloody helps! Never thought it would!, don't think I even wrote as much when I was at school haha

Hope your still keeping strong, must be day 12/13 yeah? Keep up the good work! Let me know how your coping and dealing with things too:)

Again sorry for the late reply and hope all is well 😀

Unaitsert

I'm so so so happy that you have appeared!! I was so worried about you!!! That's just amazing what you've managed to achieve mate - such a victory for us recoverers!!! Seriously mate - what you have just done is outstanding - you should be so proud of yourself.........and whether she knows or not, I'm so pleased that you've got a fantastic girlfriend!!

Don't know what it is, but I feel a real connection with you and it's as if you were meant to be here supporting me through this.....maybe likewise too.

I've had urges for all 12 of my days.........in fact today I went into my sock drawer and found some old bookies slips from football games from the 29th November - I was out in Glasgow that night.......in fact, just around the corner from the Clutha Bar where the helicopter crash happened........got a bit drunk and must have hidden them when I got back to my folks house. Turns out one of them was a winner..........but I resisted the temptation to go in myself and asked someone else to do it for me.........you know, it feels like a tiny bit of justice that the last ever interaction I'll have with a bookies is someone lifting a very small win that means I don't have to ask my mum for money this weekend!! It's kinda poetic!!!

Thanks goodness I know you work shifts and won't panic so much when there's big gaps between your posts!! Sorry if I doubted you or was a bit pessimistic - I just know how hard it is and to be honest if I'd have been paid yesterday and had access to money then I know what the outcome would have been. You are a strong willed character sir!! What an amazing result - I'm so chuffed!!!

We're gonna win this!!! Woop woop!!

Just a quick message as I'm on double back today..

Everything is going well today, urges got strong as work was ending once again and even a friend asked if I would go with him to put a bet on but I refused and came home so done quite well in that respect:) still think about it a lot but not acting on my urges is really possitive and making me realise that I can get through this. Also the help from MrBrightside and his advice go a long way in keeping my mind focused so cheers fella!

So glad were still on the path to recovery as hard as it is it's still very much possible!!

I know what you meant by your previous post MR Brightside don't worry you weren't doubting me just reasuring things would be ok if the awfull did happen:) so glad it hasn't!

Anyway another day down and another doller kept in the pocket

Thanks for the continued advice and help and also for listening

Back to bed ready for a 10hr nightshift :/ the joys haha

Unaitsert

Hey fella!!

Ouch double back and a nightshift......sore one!! Keeps you busy though mate. That took big guts to knock back your friend and avoid stepping across the door of the bookies.....like James P keeps saying, control is the decision to walk in or walk by.......if you walk in then all control is lost. Would have been so easy to have not wanted to look stupid or allow your ego to get the better of you......again, proud of you and hope you feel the same about yourself too.

I'm glad you realize my motivations for what I wrote!

We're still on the right road am man - I've struggled today - haven't had much on so quite a bit of time to think about a coupon - I'm certainly not missing going into the bookies or especially the FOBTs ....... or even the online stuff........but I am missing putting a coupon on and watching the scores coming in. That's going to the hardest thing ongoing for me, but still determined that I won't let it beat me.......as our day tally grows, the challenge of complacency comes in and we begin to think we can control it......when we both know it's still lurking in there waiting for a moment of weakness.

Hope you get on ok at work tonight and will speak tomorrow - my two week anniversary!!! You'll be on that before you know it. Keep strong mate - we ARE going to beat this.

Take care

Mr Brightside

Hey mate - you've been pretty quiet - all ok?? Hope so! Drop a note with an update buddy.

Hope it's a happy Christmas Eve.

Mr Brightside