Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi you ☺

Thanks for the post & yup..my big head got massive now and i cannot fit through the door 😀 lol....it's good to have positive feedback but cmon girl - those pedestals are slippery & god help me if i had a glass of drink in my hand too lol.

Thanks a lot. Recovery require a lot of work, which obviously pays off massively...it takes time, determination, support, quiet days, plenty of tears, up& down moods...blah blah..but if we are willing to get over them, we can do whatever comes our way! One fellow soldier had his head in his hands yesterday while repeating it all to be over Now! To get better Now! To be cured Now!..i guess i noticed a little of my own reflection there...but that's the only thing i strongly believe now... there is no cure, there is no quick fix, there is no miracles...nice & simply - one day at a time does the trick! Hallelujah lol..i finally got it! Today i didn't gamble, tommorow i will see what i can do to repeat the actions i did today ☺

Good to hear you're busy living! Way better than to be busy dying huh...and let's face it - addiction = slow death... :-(...i was told on my meetings that people are lucky who dies quick from drinking because the long term downfall is pretty nasty to be facing.

Anyway...went off one here, am still loading & reloading information i received over the last two days so sorry if this post comes a little irreverent to ur particular problems...

Good to see you here & i am honoured to be standing beside you in this good fight of claiming our lives back!!!

Enjoy that Galaxy...Ripple is awesome reward me thinks 😉

Take care

S x

Ok !! Give up , where you hiding ??? .

Just checking in and wondering if your ok ? I know it's half term and your prob busy being mum ( as always ) so I'll speak to you laters !!!

Take care LB x

Hi LB , thanks for the drop by , just wondering where youd been that's all and then put 2and 6 together and it didn't take old sherlock long to realise , " Half term , mum not just LB , dad + plus kids ,UHM ? = " Holiday , " Intermittent Internet " ? How many times could you say that quickly while downing a flaming sambuca ? .:))

Catch up with you soon x

I gambled. Again. I won't make excuses. There were a few triggers, but if I'd given myself some time I would have got through them.I could have come on here and asked for help. I could have text my little dutch friend. But I didn't. I don't think I wanted to hear the answers...to hear the truth. I simply wanted to play. My head was saying that it would be ok...that I had a handle on it and that I would "honest to god" only have £50. I meant it. I really believed it...even after all the times in the past, I still believed that this time would be different. I didn't want to lie or deceive so I asked my husband would it be ok to make a deposit from the joint account. He thinks it was £50. I lost £900. That was Monday and I haven't yet told him the truth. It was the usual scenario....the groundhog day of losing and chasing with ever bigger deposits to try and win it back. I knew he would know...there was no hiding it...but if I could just win it back I'd be able to get away with it. I just had to double through, then double through again. A few hours of frantic madness followed by a whole load of shi.te. Haven't been able to sleep...can't look at him...feel sick at having to tell him again...feel bad that I've let everyone on here down again...feel confused, emotional, anxious. My head's spinning. I'm right back to where I was.

I really have tried to understand what is driving this. I've looked at my past and I've confronted my demons. I've laid it all out, in therapy and on here. I've looked at my present. I've made changes. On a logical, intellectual level I understand what I need to do and yet I don't do it. Not consistently anyway. My head is full of why? right now. And questioning myself...do I even want to stop? Have I accepted that it's got me beat? I don't know. As I get further away from a binge, the memories of how bad it felt fade and then it starts to become attractive again. I don't understand how that can be. How I can feel so broken...so distraught...full of guilt and remorse...but then I don't remember those feelings when I start to think that it's a good idea again. I feel emotionally battered right now and the knowledge that I've done this to myself (again) is hard to deal with.

Tonight I have to tell my husband that yet again I've let him down. We'll get through it, I know we will, but I hate that I keep doing it to him. The look of disappointment on his face is tying my stomach in knots. I know he won't shout or scream...but in a way I wish he would. I could handle that. I could fight back...turn it into a big argument so that it gets deflected away from me. This is shocking, but in some warped way I could handle a fist easier than the loss of respect, of letting him down. At some level I think I deserve a good slap.That's some messed up thinking right there. I want to delete that so that I don't upset anyone, but I'm not going to. I need to read this back at another time. But not now. It all feels too much.

I really didn't want to come on and write this. I'm sure there will be people who will want to shake me, some who will judge me and maybe the odd one who will smile at my misfortune.I toyed with the idea of running away from here. Closing my account and heading for the mountains. It's hard to say I fecked up. But I did f**k up, and it's all my doing. This site is my best hope at getting better, so I'm staying put. I'm going to phone my local GA tomorrow.I don't want to go, but am starting to accept that I might need it. I'll have to see. I can't make any decisions right now. I want to say so much more, but the words won't come.

Here is a slap round this cute face of yours and a biggest hug follows!!! ((((((LB)))))))

So know how you feel!! f*****g addiction huh...always making promises to ourselves that we will reach for help as soon as urges strikes...hmmmm..do we f**k! This is isolating and battering mind f**k! It's selfish in it's own way and we become someone we can't imagine ourselves being.

S***t...i don't know what to say, just know you're not alone. Reach for that hand (with gloves i must add) to your dutch friend, she is more than i can ever explain, you know how much talking helps!

Don't beat yourself up Hun...great steps for GA! wish i could go with you because i know it's difficult to walk though those doors but it can be the best gamble you can ever take as Martin says.

Just be kind to you mrs Galaxy ok...just for today, be true to yourself

S x

Hey Girl , Look " youv'e been here before so no point in me going over all the old shi.te and waffle thats been said to you time and again , TBH I'm a bit annoyed as I thought the reason you hadn't been on here was because you were still washing your smalls , after your holiday :)).

It's life ! , it is what it is and if it's happened then the important thing is , A , that you stopped and B you came back here !.

Maybe it is time for extra help and GA may give you that extra tool you need to keep a lid on this addiction ?

Whatever you decide is down to you and how you feel but rest assured my unconditional support is always there for you brave lady :)).

Stay safe , look after yourself and I'll speak with you soon .

Uncle George xx

Hai LB,

You always articulate your posts very well. I hear you loud and clear.

I would be a complete hypocrite if I was to offer advice, so here's my support instead. It's such a b.itch of an addiction. Take our eye of the ball and bang, another sucker punch.

You've made heaps of progress these past few months, so remember rule number one - No beating your self up...

It is what it is. Take care

Thank you all....your responses are really appreciated. I'm not in the right head space to reply to you all right now, but please know that your words mean a lot.

I think this is what punch drunk feels like. What an ar.se to keep getting back in the ring

LifeBegins wrote:

Thank you all....your responses are really appreciated. I'm not in the right head space to reply to you all right now, but please know that your words mean a lot.

I think this is what punch drunk feels like. What an ar.se to keep getting back in the ring

Understand LB. Addiction takes so much. Give yourself a break and accept a hand up. tri x

Evening LB

Sorry to her this but it was a good honest post. As Sandra said GA was the best gamble I ever took. Did I want to go? No did I have second thoughts? Yes and third and fourth. Has it been worth it? Yes with out a shadow of doubt.

You don't have to call them but if they have a contact number it can't do you any harm. You can find your nearest meeting in this link http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/index.php/ga-meetings/find-a-meeting just turn up they will be more than welcome and you can't tell them anything they have not heard before.

When telling your other half tonight I would suggest you spell it how bad it is when you start gambling, I'm not passing the blame onto him because it was your choice to ask for the money in the first place. Maybe tell him no matter how many times and how desperate you plead to not under no circumstances to give you the go ahead.

KTF

Hi LB,

Read your post and found myself nodding yup the whole way through. Been there sooo many times myself. Just want to offer you a hand up and an ice p*k for your bruises. Give yourself time. No pressure to repost. Just a reminder I'm here for you. We all are. xx

I want to comment feel its too early. Thinking of you. Let me know if or when youre ready to talk(you may not like it) x

Hi LB

Sorry to hear about your slip, tough to break the habit of the quick fix.

I know there's the immediate sense of sadness but I hope you don't beat yourself as that's not gona help your recovery

I know you're a positive person so will in time assess objectively what happened and get together a positive approach going forwards.

I know you've tried a few things but feel confident you'll click soon. Persistence is not something we addicts are good at - so we need to keep this value to the fore.

Best wishes

Louis

Thank you good people. I will reply to you all in time.

Head is still in a bit of a mess. I still haven't talked properly with my husband. Spent last night on edge waiting to find the right moment to bring it up, then he said he had a headache and went to bed early. I felt bad bringing it up this morning as he had to go to work, but I did start a conversation that we're going to continue tonight. Dreading it, but it's got to be done. I'm sure he knows what's coming...I talked this morning about how do I change, why do I repeatedly make bad choices (and why doesn't he) It was a more general talk about eating well, being active, making good choices.How it feels so much better to be like that but I can't seem to maintain it. I mentioned gambling but choked on just blurting out "I've done it again". It's crazy really. I've been with this man for 20 plus years, we've got two kids, he's seen me through the worst and the best times, I know he loves me deeply and yet the judgement that I think he'll make stops me from telling the truth. I'm back to feeling like a bad person and I'm fighting it so desperately hard, but it's there. Lowlife scumbag. But I can't go back to that because now I'm crying and that's ok, but there it is. The judgements. Because that's the truth of what I think. I don't think it about anyone here, but I think it about myself. Not on a day to day basis, but when it comes to this addiction. Honestly, I can't even bear the idea that I have an addiction and that's a part of all this mess. I know it, I can see it, I can feel it but I just don't want to accept it. I think that's a part of what happens after a few months clear. I start believing that I don't really have an addiction. A problem maybe, but not an addiction. That's for other people. Not that I'm better than them, def not,but that I don't really fit into that catagory. There's a continum and I'm at the lower end of the scale.It's all nonsense and today I can see that for the crock of S****e that it is. Because today I'm in it and it's still raw and I can feel it, but after a while it fades away again. I don't know, waffling now. What's holding me back from GA? That I will have to admit to being an addict and that is something that is going to be so hard that I can't even describe it. And also honesty. The thought that I will have to go back and tell him about all the lies and money that I've taken. That I'll be encouraged to tell other people (family...jesus christ even the thought of that is bringing me out in a sweat...friends, my kids). He won't care about the money. But I know that lying and deceiving will really hurt him. It can't help but change things. It will alter his perception of me and I can't deal with that.He is so honest and open that I can't see how he'll understand. I really don't think he has ever lied to me about anything and it just feels overwhelming.If I could go and never tell him or anyone else I would in a heartbeat. But I understand that misses the point. It's all about honesty and openness, and I'm falling down at the first hurdle. I know the truth will set me free. Do I want to be free? Yes, I do. But I want to already be there if that makes sense. I want to fast forward a couple of years when I have so much gamble free time under my belt that the desire has gone. Or rewind to before the madness started. Neither is possible. Hard work is needed. And courage I guess.

CW wrote to someone else "you are not your addiction." It made me cry so hard I thought I wouldn't stop.

Hi LB

I have just replied to gav123 about something & it was kind of what i wanted to say to you. Watch the vulnerability TED talk again. Something i said to Paul awhile ago also is you get so overwhelmed in the theory that it becomes too.frightening to actually do anything about it. Its all very well reading theory or seeing a therapist but without continued action & motivation to improve once the immediate crisis has passed then relapse although not inevitable, highly likely. I used to relapse almost daily. So what changed? I did. At my very core. Recovery is a funny old word. Recover what? My old self? Nah not for me, my old self was a man who needed to hide in behaviours & chemicals. What i wanted, no needed, was a brand new me. Tear up everything you think you know about yourself because im pretty certain you have got it wrong on some of them. Start again with a new pair of eyes or even better an objective pair that dont have the fog of your memories to impair their view. x