Every Day Is A Second Chance

You don't have to be perfect LB, just the best version of you that you can!

From what I've seen, you're doing that & I count myself lucky to have found you, warts & all!

Now put tt out of the house (try not to slam her in the door), pull up your big girl pants (don't pretend you don't wear them), find some cucumber (or whatever it is the kids use nowadays for their eyes) & take the second chance that today has given you!

Hi LB . Look I'm no expert and pretty novice at all this but I think Dan's got it spot on with his post, You can't continue being that person that's holding you back ,I too have had to change completly down to my bones in order to accept the way I wanted my life to be , ripping out the rubbish that was keeping me trapped and not being able to move forward , I think by doing that you then start of with a fresh platform to build on , you can live the life you want and become the person you knew was always instead of a person bound by the chains of your past , maybe time to draw a line on the old you and give that person burried beneath a chance to surface . Saying what and how you would like to be is one thing but actually believing is another .

Just my two penneth ! xx

Hey you ☺

Am lost for words recently but just really wanted you to know that you have so much going for you so please go and take it! No beating yourself up, it doesn't help (expert talk lol) so get bk on ur feet and fight for your sanity!!! Martin told me once that he will keep faith in me if i do it for myself first..true words cause if you won't believe in yourself, the fight is pointless.

Ps...me is not happy with Sesuo...hmmm...i get prickly cactus and ya get a softer version :-)))) tough love that is but i shall accept it and hope your eyes gets full of sparkle pretty soon ☺

Look after yourself

S x

I think deep down " We all care what others think " sure we can put a big tough exterior on and pretend things don't hurt but thats more about our in built defence but it hurt's me as much as the next person , the difference I think with you and I , is the way we handle those thoughts and how much we allow them to interfere with our daily pattern , if your constantly thinking about what others are saying or how they see you then those thoughts escalate into something much bigger, which seems is what you sort of go through ? , My old mum used to have the right gauge on it and would say in her fading Yorkshhire accent " While thiere talking about me , thiere leavin some other poor sod alone " , Wise words from a wise woman ? .

I think and forgive me if I'm wrong ? Your not looking far enough ahead at the big picture and instead focusing on little pieces or segmants of everything around you and for me that spells a bit of confusion ? Clarity for me comes from standing back , looking at the great people in my life and what I've achieved so far and it really isnt so bad , in fact like you its pretty damm good but while I was sucked up in all the gambling , I honestly never saw any of that , I just wasn't interested .

I've also looked at the time I have left on this planet of ours and realised I don't want to carry on being the self centered person I'd become any longer , sure like you I thought about my family and would put them first , well ! when gambling permitted me the time ? but I was really just so wrapped up with myself and my thoughts , I was never really there !.

My daughters getting married in about 6 weeks , she's 31 this year and I know look back and think " Where's that time gone " ? and it's really scary thinking that in another 31 yrs there's a good chance that I'm not going to be around anymore , I want to enjoy my life , a life without gambling and one where I don't have the panic attacks or feeelings of guilt or remorse , I've dicovered life's for living not giving to the bookies .

My life is so much better without gambling in it and I know now that fear of never having it in my life again was the thing holding me back , like a catch 22 .

Take a good long look at what you have around you , your life's not empty it's brimming with life your kid's , your husband , and all the relatives thrown in for good measure , thats your buzz right there , accept reality warts n all and discard all the other cr.ap because it serves no purpose .

Find your inner self and have a good word with it , accept you here and now and your past that can't be changed , learn to live alongside it because it's what's shaped you , good and bad , you don'tneed to delve anymore , just accept , draw a great big bloody line and move on with the rest of your life ? .

XXX

Hey LB
Just read your reply. Will reply tomorrow just wanted you to not think im ignoring you

Morning,

Not sure you'll like this so advance apologies, not for for saying it but for any upset caused.

re the shame/guilt: no need to make it too complicated. You gambled because of the addiction (sorry). No more, no less. Not because you're inherently bad so you set out to to something bad. Rather because the compulsion got the better of you at at moment when presumably the triangle was intact. But the urges will happen because of the addiction and the addiction will encourage you to have a quick £50 and give you a goldfish memory about last time and the time before and all previous times. (Bit like finding yourself in the labour room with the second child, when you suddenly remember exactly what sort of experience you're in for). Being gf is really important but it's the addict thinking that's causing the problem. The shame is part of the addict thinking, it's dangerous because it promotes the gambling, it tells you that you're bad so there's no point in trying to overcome it, you might as well carry on. Not so. You're not bad but the addiction needs to be addressed on a permanent and routine basis.

I'd advise GA and GamAnon for your OH. I know I harp on about it but the Twelve Steps work and the GamAnon program is about living with someone else's gambling, sometimes relationships do break down but it's not the starting point. We look at ourselves and learn about gambling, the behaviours to expect and how our responses impact on the gambling, how to have the strength not to bail out/accept blame etc. For both the Steps address the guilt/shame, not at the outset, they're in the order they're in because that's how they work. They give a structure for looking at yourself realistically (not all negative) and for dealing with the fallout from the gambling. They give hope.

You might look at practicalities, at how come the triangle was still intact and a change of habits so that it's routinely broken. That will help to protect you against the urges that are going to happen.

Look after yourself.

CW

Morning LB , I've been sat trying to think of ways of explaining to you how I manage to cope without gambling , after yesterdays conversation I just wanted to add a bit if that's ok .

When I decided to quit , I took a long hard look at how I viewed gambling and came to the conclusion that I was really in awe of it , it's power it's attraction , it's promise of so much had held me in a kind of capsule where I could only look up and gaze at it's beauty , that way of thinking really had to change in order to afford me the chance to give up for good .

So I had this picture in my head for so many years almost like like gambling was a massive illuminated sign , you know the type you would see on any big Broadway production , attracting you in with it's red and white neon , blinking away .

I sat down and realised I had to take that sign down , why would I hold something in such high regard that had really just brought me misery , so take the sign down I did , I know picture that sign in my mind just sat at the back of my shed , covered in cobwebbs and gathering dust awaiting the next step when I get round to it of throwing it into the skip with all the other waste .

I spent so many years treating my family and those around me like Mushrooms , they were kept in the dark, being fed with a constant stream of Bullsh.it , so now where once gambling stood proudly outside my imaginary theatre , My family are the ones who take pride of place and bathed in light from the Neon , because there the real stars of life !.

Sorry for the ramblings , I hope it makes a bit of sense to you ? , it's not always easy to express yourself in the way you want it to come accross , your minds a powerfull tool and if you get it set up right , I think it will help you greatly , sometimes it's just as Dan said " looking through new or at least different eyes "

XX

So how do we tear up everything we thought we knew & start again? Thanks for the easy question!
It begins with honesty. Ruthless honesty. Not selective honesty. Perspective is what needs changing around both the things weve done & had done to us. Of course our memories cannot be changed neither can the environment we have been raised in but how we view it can. How we tell our stories to ourselves is important. How we talk to ourselves is important. I would imagine most of the internal dialogues you have involve sentances like im stupid, im not good enough, pretty enough, unworthy of praise, im a failure? You dont have to be perfect. To try to be so is exhausting as well as unacheivable. The quest to be so which i presume is a constant thought for you, will always leave you resentful & frustrated with the one person you need to be kinder too...you.

I dont think the process of character change is possible for an addict alone. If it was we would have all done it by now. Our illness is that we cant handle difficult & uncomfortable emotions. Our flight or fight response is off kilter. If at first you dont succeed give up was always my motto. Better to not try rather than give it your best! Thats what separates addicts from happy healthy thinking people. People emotionally secure are prepared to fail. They are prepared to be...yes vulnerable & let themselves be clearly seen for who they are & not try to be what they think they should be.

Take a leap LB & truely let yourself live up to your name. Get to a GA group that have Steps as their focus. They work. So do therapists. Psychodynamic ones. Whichever way you go. Do it wholeheartedly. With courage & with total honesty. Its an exciting prospect that today could be the start of something beautiful

Ps watch Brenes TED talk again please. It really is very important & if you havnt yet follow it up with her one on shame. 40mins of time well spent & hopefully inspire anyone to lead themselves to a better place x

So, we had the talk and I'm so glad we did. I was my most honest and open with him about gambling that I have ever been. He still seems to love me 😉 Although he's known I've had a problem he really didn't understand how bad it was and that was mostly because I hadn't told him the true extent of my unhappiness and compulsion. I did last night. I took that leap of faith and it all turned out ok.

We've discussed barriers. He's a bit worried that by blocking online I'll end up in a bookies surrounded by dodgy characters but I'm absolutely certain that won't happen. He worries about me not having access to cash and said that after a while I could have my cash card back....I explained that actually right now was the safest time for me to have my card as my urges are nil and in a few months they'll be back again so it's best to get rid of it. I had chances to manipulate him as I have done in the past but I didn't. I didn't want to. For the first time I really do want all doors shut tight. Any accounts that are in my sole name have been closed so there's no more ordering new cards and paying in cash. I've thought of all the tricks and cunning ways to gamble and have put up defences against them.I told him things I didn't want to tell him to help him understand. It's hard for him to fully get it...he still thought it was about winning money. Explaining that money doesn't really come into it...I'm not playing to get rich but to stay in the action...was difficult.I told him about this forum (that was another thing I was keeping hidden) and we also talked about GA, which I think shocked him as it made him realise it was serious.

Since starting on here, I've been wanting to "get cured" and then tell him all about it in the past tense. I wanted to be honest with him but felt that I could only do that when it was all behind me...."I used to gamble, I used to do terrible things, but taddah! I don't now". In my mind that would make it acceptable. Less judgeable. More ok. I now realise that that's nonsense. I need him with me, and I need to be able to be honest about how it affects me. It feels like the right time, and today feels like a real, proper fresh start.

Huge thanks once again to everyone who posted and to anyone who read and quietly just supported me (Iknow I do that a lot on people's diaries). Couldn't have done it without you all. LB xx

I want to put this poem here. It means a lot to me in relation to addiction (and maybe to other things too). I think I'm slowly but surely getting to chapter 4.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

Hi mrs Galaxy,

Thank you for your post and truly ask you to put yourself first so pls no rush with emails or working my crazy mind out on here ☺

It goes like a storm for me lol..seriously, all is ok again and i got in my head that everything is ok around me...& that matters the most! I sometimes get piercing pain from some posts but that's what I'm trying to work on and don't take it personally..it goes like a flash also lol...stab/cry/bk to normal...all starts in my head too ☺ (just for the record)

Working on forgiveness. Looooong way to go but I'm determined to get there. Maybe not to everyone (some evil doesn't deserve that) but mostly yes, for my own peace of mind!

Aha..waffling on again..yup..preparing for the walk of shame & yes, am shaking but has to be done simply because i want to get better 🙂

I am sooo proud of you i cannot put into words! Such a heart, such a soul...priceless! If i could, i would take your pain away, but same as with me and other survivers, we need to find the way forward ourselves..let it go?...hmmm...work in progress indeed ☺

Stay safe Hun, be kind to you and the world will be the better place to be!..shhh..don't tell anyone but I've been there not long ago and i know that the feeling of peace is indeed out there ☺

Just before i stop waffling, just to let ya know Sesuo didn't want to get a flowery cactus for me :-0 ...bahhh..sticks and stones story huh but more than often - for the better!

Hugs back atcha ya like it or not!

((((LB))))) xxx

Ps. I'm on chapter 3 :-P...progress being made...we will be walking that street safely Hun..i just know it! X

Hi LB , I liked the poem but you know what I said about "different eyes " :))

If it were me I'd get to chapter 3 , notice the hole and then fill it in with my big neon sign and any other oold tosh from the past I didn't want to keep and then keep on walking :0)) but hey that's just me !!

x

LB,

With everything you got going on you had the time to check in with me and offer support around something that wasn't directly gambling related. I have to tell you it meant a lot. Thank you!

LOL ! Yeah , sorry about that LB , but do you know the cost of landfill for commercial buisinesses ? .

You don't know how I've had to restrain myself from posting something else about the Hole but I think I did well , typed this about 3 times and they all sounded so wrong .

Hope you feel better today :)) x