First attempt at diary

Good luck dell2u I too am giving up this online slots nonsense, nothing but pain, hurt and waste of money. Nothing about it is appealing any more. Sounds like you have support. I'm sure you can do it. Sorry I don't have any sound advice as of yet but I'm on day one myself. I wish you all the best.steve

Day 2. Tried to have as normal a day as possible, getting up early to get to the gym at 7am. Thought it would raise my mood. However felt terrible and was just going through the motions. Left gym after only half hour and headed to office. Worrying about a debt I need to pay and waiting for last ever payout from casino website to be paid into my bank account. Kept checking every 15 minutes to see if it was in. Trying to arrange another payday loan! So familiar, this worry and scheming about how to get money to cope with damage caused by gambling. Though it seems an uphill struggle to get to a normal way of living and so far off, I am determined to get there. Online slots are cleverly designed to suck you in and I hope I am strong enough to resist. This is normally the time I would settle down to play for a few hours,sometimes just the demo games.. Tonight I'm off to watch some TV and wrap some Xmas presents. Until tomorrow then and good luck to all fellow CGs.

Hi Dell2u,

Congratulations on starting a diary, it is a huge step forward and shows that you have a desire to keep away those evil slots.

I understand why you didnt want your family to find out but at least now it is out in the open and you can be honest with your mum.

Show her that you are taking positive steps, get blocking software if you can like K9 or betfilter.

Take it day by day, hour by hour or minute by minute if you have to, recovery is bespoke so go at your own pace.

Keep reading and posting, there are plenty of like minded souls who will help you here.

Stay safe and strong
Paulds

Day 3. Woke up with guilty feeling and used Serenity Prayer to calm myself. Busy day at work. Trying to remind myself of positive things in my life. Very grateful to have my job, and that my parents are there to support me. Also kids are healthy and well adjusted. No desire to gamble. Office night out tomorrow but not really in mood. Luckily we all saved money up in advance otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford it. Will put on normal face..

Day 8. Easy not gambling when you are stoney broke. In some ways it is a relief not to have any spare cash. Well last few days have been emotional for me and my family. On Sunday my ex husband decided to send a message to my brother in law in Australia telling them about my gambling. Message then got through to my brother who lives locally
My big secret is out! Sunday night I came back from pleasant weekend with partner to strange atmosphere in house and news that my brother and sister-in-law were on way down to see me. Initial reaction was to hide, run or do anything not to speak to them. But I didn't. Spent emotional half hour talking and he was very understanding and worried. Turns out his close work colleague was compulsive gambler and lost his marriage and home through it. Mixed emotions about him finding out but deep down know it's for best. He has been on phone to support group and spoken to his Ex-gambler friend which has helped him cope with the news about his sister. He wants to help.. I will try to accept this as I want to get out of this destructive cycle. Know it won't be easy though.

Day 10 - double figures. Went over to talk to my brother last night. We talked about 'my recovery' and he asked me what I proposed. I told him that since I have no money at moment there is no risk of me gambling and then my partner is taking me on holiday on 30th January to Fuerteventura. When I'm back we're going to look at my finances and set some goals for New Year. Also asked him to set up parental controls on home Internet provider to ban gambling websites. One day at a time..continues.

Well done your doing great. Tough but doing brilliant virtual high five

Day 11 - Feeling a bit more hopeful today. Still a bit nervous about my partner finding out I gambled again. I know that in long run its always best to get things out in open and move on, whatever consequences. And from past experience I know that family are more than forgiving. Its just that he is a bit judgemental and I dont know if he will stand by me this time. Its not his money I've gambled, and I dont live with him so it has little impact on his day-to-day life but its the lying he will be most concerned about and the feeling that he has spent the last dozen or so years with someone he really didnt know at all. I hope to be in stronger frame of mind soon, so that if this suddenly does blow up I will be able to handle it. Looking forward to weekend. If I can survive another week, get my tax credits, child benefit and pay off next lot of bills prior to Xmas I will be in feeling happier.

Day 14. Spent weekend with my partner. No gambling thoughts when I am with him. Actually feeling bit under the weather so won't be at work today or tomorrow. Will be at home with parents and intend to get stuck in to a good book.
I have something on my mind though and I know that when these thoughts take hold they can lead you into danger.
One of my credit card providers - maxed out of course - wrote last week to say they would automatically be increasing my limit, effective Wednesday (see how I have that date fixed in my brain)?. Of course I am now thinking.... Could I try online slots once more to see if I could win ВЈxx!! Or will I buy some extra Xmas presents and get into more debt.
Trying to justify keeping credit card in case of emergencies.
This is going to be hard week
I will keep posting and reading posts for encouragement and distraction. Also going to leave my phone downstairs at night which is when my addiction takes over.... I hope I can be strong.

You're doing very well. I can understand everything you've gone through so far, as I've cycled through it many times myself. Have a word with your family about your feelings towards your credit card. My personal advice would be to put a block on the card to prevent more debt, at least while you're regaining control of your finances. Talk to mum - perhaps if she hears you're concern of keeping the card for emergencies (I've used this one myself a few times!) perhaps she might suggest family are able to step in in such emergencies instead, irradiating your need to keep lines of debt open and the opportunity to gamble.

Close off every avenue you have. These could be times and locations you're prone to gamble, removing access to money, self exclude from sites or establishments etc. Put up every stopper you can think of and remove temptation.

I want to wish you all the best, and again may I say how well I think you're doing!

Day 15. Sitting at home on own. Was thinking of going on to website to play some free online slots but decided to read forum posts and write in my own diary instead. Someone posted that not gambling is like winning and I've remembered that. Got some ironing to do and am halfway through a good book. Need to keep occupied. Left my phone downstairs last night and made a point of highlighting that to my mum so that was probably first time I'd done that ever. Small steps.

Hi Dell, your absoulutely right buddy everytime you don't bet , you win !.

Well done on fighting the urge to splurge !

Keep winning fella !

Day 16 - Update on credit card limit. Because I am over limit at moment the company hasn't increased my limit. I am looking at this as a positive. Getting paid on Tuesday and hope to complete Xmas shopping, pay bills and then spend Xmas with brother and family.

Day 18 - Just the weekend to get through and then pay day, pay bills, few more Xmas presents to buy and wrap and then get Xmas day over with. Hate Xmas - probably because I've spent last however many years trying to get by on whatevers left after gambling. Never saved for Xmas or anything in fact but hopefully 2016 will be different.
Have set up home Internet to block gambling sites which is a big relief to me as it was only at home I gambled. Alway seemed like too much trouble to download the software. I can now plan my evenings/time at home knowing I won't be tempted. And my family feel reassured too. Small step in recovery but it's taken 2 years to even do that as I always wanted to leave door open for another shot at slots - it always just started out as being small bet.