Day 20.. Just had argument with partner about something so stupid. Kind of ruined the weekend and you know in the past when I felt like this I would feel like logging on and gambling. Logged on here instead. Will take few moments to calm down... Another day gambling free.
Day 21. Pay day tomorrow. So many bills to pay that I'll have not much left over so no chance of gambling. I feel quite empowered to think I have money to spend on something other than slots, albeit that it will go towards debts etc. Next month I will be able to save something so looking forward to that.
Day 26.Another Christmas Day come and gone. Spent with brother and family. Nice but couldn't help but recall when I had my own house and family around me. This is third Christmas Day not in house of my own. Determined next year will be different. Very lucky though to have family to spend Xmas with I know as I do think that it could be so much worse. Could be really homeless, destitute or worse. Anyway everyone seemed happy with gifts, I have just enough money to get through to middle of January and gambling is furthest from my mind.
Del
A big well done on your efforts. It's not easy is it.? But your doing so well. Keep it up.
Del
A big well done on your efforts. It's not easy is it.? But your doing so well. Keep it up.
Day 28. Just working out finances for January... Going on holiday to Fuerteventura on Wednesday (luckily Mum gave some euros for spending money). Holiday paid for by partner and he pays for everything while there!! More guilt - he knows I have little money, earns way more than me and is happy to pay but he doesn't know lack of money recently is due to gambling. I am on edge in case he asks how much I have saved and my plans for next year. Know I should confess but hope that I can get through another few months, build up savings and not have to reveal latest slip. Then when I am on firmer footing will feel better if he does find out. I know best solution is to tell him and start afresh but you know how hard it is contemplating telling someone who loves you that you have been gambling behind their back while pretending everything is going well. Also didn't want to spoil the holiday...
Day 29. Bills all paid and few euros left over for spending.. Off on holiday for 12 gambling-free days, so no posts until I return.
Have a great holiday and happy NY just think when you get back you will be in your forties
Day 43 - Back from holiday, refreshed and ready to face 2016. No gambling thoughts and keen to see the bank balance rise over next few months. Hoping to save enough to get rental house and move out of parents. By Sept I hope... If I don't gamble then this is well within my means. Another target will be to lose bit of weight before big 50 in month or so..m
Time to start again. This is hard. Managed to abstain till April then discovered way to use home Internet to get on one gambling site.. Blew wages and took out several payday loans to pay bills etc... Lying to brother that everything still OK.. Was fine for another month then started using slot machines app playing for virtual credits, but compulsive nature kicked in and I ended up spending @:£100 on buying credits...not even chance to win real money!!! What an idiotic thing to do..
Fine for next 3 months, now parents have gone on holiday yesterday and I've gambled again.. Managed to change home Internet settings to allow gambling, found a company I hadn't blocked myself from and spent few hundred and added more debt to credit card who had kindly raised my credit level by another £500. Of course chased losses and won zero.
Feeling pressure at home and I think I just felt, what difference would it make.. Hard to see light at end of tunnel... Though nobody is pressuring me really, just me. Goal of saving enough to be able to move my kids to our own rented house seems unattainable. I can't save more than few hundred each month. What's the point..... Sorry for self pity but need to see what I'm thinking in b&w.
Now self- excluded from yet another online slots site, reinstalled filters and starting over.. Goal of moving out September which I promised would be likely to my daughter now not a possibility and she is already cracking under strain of sharing room with her mum and living at her grans.
Now I've got that off my chest, time to start recovery once more.
Kept busy today. Gardening and housework.. Trying to work through a list of tasks to occupy me.. Haven't checked bank balance to see what I actually lost last night. Think I'll be ok to get through month and buy school uniform etc for son. If not, there's always another payday loan or the catalogue!!
Welcome back Dell2u, know how hard it is in the early days. Try and get as much support as you can and keep posting on this diary often. Perhaps consider joining the chat sessions?
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