First day

Day27 - Haven't gambled. Christmas day was not too bad. Was with family, and didn't feel excluded. Youngest sister thinks she and I have mild Aspergers syndrome - we find it very hard to 'read' other people. Know from what I have been told that there are tensions between various members of extended family, but would not know from observing them, so always on my guard in case I am cause of 'tension'! Probably come accross as too eager to please, reminded again of line from song 'people I see weary of me showing my good side'. Back to bad I have done in my life. Have a friend who is a Spiritualist. They believe our task in life is to improve the bad tendencies we are born with. I had a bad temper, and a definite mean streak. Have tried to improve on that, but know I hurt quite a few people over the years. Have quite harsh views. Would imprison litter droppers, as I think that is the first step on a life of criminality. Think unwed teenage mothers should live in hostels. Not ashamed of that one, as it would actually help them to learn about being a parent, and give them company of others in same situation. Fact is, it is the children who suffer from a girl who just wants a flat and benefits - and yes BBC! they are out there. Know of one who has had 10 children, just to keep increasing benefits, and another who wasn't doing well at school, so decided to make a 'career' out of having a baby. I know I can be un-compassionate in person, so support a lot of charities. I never give to Children in Need, but I sponsor 3 children overseas! But I am aware that the one I am happiest with lives in a Communist controlled country, so I am not allowed direct contact. Not nice, but need to face facts about character. Suspect one of the reasons I gamble is because people say how nice I am, but know I am not. Ironically was mother's carer during the last 3 years of her life, when she had dementia. Could have been kinder. Did my best, but, looking back, wish I had done better. Never hit her or anything, in fact she attacked me! but know that was illness. Used to clean up the awful messes she made, and liquidise her food for her etc. , but it was touch I had trouble with. Couldn't clean her fingernails, for example, sister had to do that. Do remember staying with her in hospital corridor, waiting for her to be examined after fall, fanning her to try and keep her cool. Not unkind, but so wish I had been kinder. Some time after her death had a vivid dream in which she took my hand, hers was ice-cold, and said 'I'll forgive you, if you will forgive me'.

DAY30 - Haven't gambled - though sorely tempted, for the 'buzz'. These diaries are def helping. Had two classic anxiety dreams last night. In first I was young and beautiful (!) and had been given part in live musical number. Didn't know steps, or words to song, and kept bumping into people, which annoyed them (!) Second was work dream. Hadn't checked diary and knew crisis was approaching. Reading another book by author who annoyed me with her pop physcology. This time echoed my own experience. Characters still haunted by minor experiences. Digging out my little 'barbs'. After mother died would go to sister's house for Christmas - welcome was underwhelming, and knew they did it from duty, but would also be upset if I didn't turn up! Other one is from holiday with another sister, her family and our mother. Were staying at motel overnight. In morning, had to queue for bathroom. Sister and family were about to go to breakfast, then said 'wait, we can't go without Mum'. When she was ready, off they went. Guess who was still waiting to use the bathroom! In fit of pique, took myself off to another hotel, where I had a nice breakfast. Still it was me who felt bad, because they had a disastrous breakfast! Such a small thing, but so revealing of how I always felt - I didn't really matter. But that is life. Gambling is NOT helping. Digging out the barbs just might though.

DAY32 - gambled £20 - don't know why, but at least did not continue on as would have done before. Reminded myself of futility of winning, which I did for a short while, but then lost again. Wins did not go above £32. Had two dreams last night want to get them down before I forget them. One was a 'film' of a young (male) teacher. Teaching 15/16 year olds, and fed up with job. Thought he had got job elsewhere. On last day, said farewell to friends and pupils. Then received package with toy 'pop up' school inside, and realised this was what he had been offered, not job??? Decided to kill himself, drove into traffic, but survived, having been hit by school bus (!) with his pupils inside, one of whom died, and rest injured. 'Film' ended there. Next dream, family owned large tract of land, and decided to make living by growing and selling fruit, veg and home made cake. Very successful. I was happy, as, though retired, could help out with potting on veg etc. Happy dream, so would like to remember. Could have been caused by Xmas blue cheese, though!

DAY35 - a new year, and haven't gambled. Feeling a bit better about life - which I put down to writing these diaries. Urge to gamble is still there, but so is pleasant surprise at finding money still in account! Was able to buy some Xmas lights etc in garden centre sale. Dream was horrid one about guinea pig with ingrowing claws. Vet had to shave off all his fur?? Needed to take cat in next, so left guinea pig with some crushed up aspirin in warm milk!!! He was then enquiring about his 'kids', who had both died while he was at vets!! Take this as brain's urging to take cat to vet to check her claws. Then was at supermarket, a frequent dream that never ends well!! Had eaten some of blue cheese again, so beginning to see a pattern!

Wow mimicath, what a terribly sad story 🙁 I'm so glad you are finding comfort here in your diary but your 'sleep' sounds exhausting!

I want to say something about the guilt you have with regards to your mother...My sister died a few years ago (no sympathy required, she was very ill & I am very practical so for me it was a sweet release for her even though it's very sad for the people she left behind) & my mother just cannot forgive herself for not doing more! Sis had a brain haemorrhage a few months before giving up her fight & my mother spent every day by her bedside, only leaving for a few hours @ a time. So much time @ hospital indeed that the Council ended up repossessing my sister's flat that Mum had moved into to take care of her as Sis was only awake for about 4 hours a day before she got this sick. The court agreed that Mum had been 'living' in the hospital rather than the flat?!? Anyway, she has finally regained control over the tap in her head that turned itself on with alarming frequency but her guilt is overwhelming! She wishes she has done more & runs herself ragged chasing round after my niece & nephew who went into Foster care. Council decided this was best place for them & have on this occasion been proved right. Mum's regrets are unfounded, as are yours! Moreso should you not feel bad as it is a mother's responsibility as the adult to provide her children with love & security whether that comes naturally or not! You don't mention a support network but I'm sure you would benefit from counselling? It may help you shake some of these nightmares! Failing that, stay off that blue cheese!

You are doing incredibly well with your gambling, are you sure Gamcare can't help with a blocker for your new fangled computer? There may not be a lot of posts on your thread as it's quite challenging to know how to help but I couldn't read anymore without giving you a huge pat on the back!

I hope 2015 gives you the strength to let go of some guilt & remain gamble free - ODAAT

DAY40 - thank you for the kind comments ODAAT, and I am sorry about what happened to your sister and mother. I have gambled today, £10, not sure why, could be because I have heard of the death of an old school friend. Hadn't seen her for a couple of years, but she was a lovely person. Will be going to her funeral. One of the 'symptons' of my low self esteem is that if you had asked me in my 20s/30s if I had had any friends at school, I would have told you no. Fact is, I am still in touch with 3 of them. Rambling on to remind myself must not get caught in the mire of gambling again. Am going out for day with a friend tomorrow, and want to buy a couple of things. Total cost will be about £30 - well, I've just wasted £10 gambling! WASTE, WASTE, WASTE. 'Buzz' is not worth the price. REMEMBER THAT sub conscious.

DAY1 - had a bad lapse - lost £200 - so starting again. Was a hard week, but that is an explanation, not an excuse. I am sure now I am a 'gambleholic'. Like my alcoholic brother in law, I cannot be 'cured', I will just have to fight each day not to gamble, and do this diary, however busy I am. Hard day coming up tomorrow, so am preparing mentally to fight. Am trying to lose weight, but may allow myself my other 'reward' - a choc bar - to help keep gambling cravings at bay. Dreams continue. Another long-runner last night. I am staying at my childhood home. This time my mother was there, plus my youngest sister. I am not happy there, but wondering if I can cope on my own if I go back home (which in the dream is where I used to live near London). The dream involved getting a lift to a shopping area with some man. He and two friends then went off, leaving mother and myself to wait. Eventually we went back to the car, but couldn't find it, another recurring theme is the lost car. The man then turned up and drove us home. The roads and scenery were not at all like reality. Sister then wanted to go and see film, but I was concerned I would not make the last train to London, to go to work in the morning - another recurring theme.

Hello Mimicath

The only constant is change that is reoccuring all the time..... you have made the choice to write here now and that means you have had enough of destruction and soul bashing. We all have lapses it is part of the recovery, i know by the way you write so honestly that you will beat this addiction. Triangle is the gateway to hell, Time-Place-Money , if you take one of them away you cannot gamble ! put them all together then hell will be recurring time and time again,

I wish you strength on your journey through recovery.

Dark Place

DAY6 - thank you for your comments, Dark Place, they do help. I have highs and lows, often for no obvious reason, which is why I am doing so much soul searching, to try and dig out the triggers. Had a bad 'low' yesterday, but resisted the urge to gamble, reminding myself that it will only lead to the pit I found myself in before the original Day 1. So I guess that is progress.

Thanks for that NT - sadly I lapsed again, after a very hard personal week, but not as bad as first time - so can only soldier on

DAY3 - Yet again restarting - will keep doing it. Felt so angry with myself - just have to keep trying.

DAY6 - Personal problems continuing - but have not gambled. One day at a time.

Hi Mimicath

Never give up trying to give up. I have had several lapses and each time I keep trying to stop again. Like you emotional upsets can lead me to gambling but have learnt new ways of dealing with this now and take it a day at a time. Day 6 is brilliant nearly 1 week. So be proud of yourself
Take care
Cheryl x