Hello all,
Newbie to this website and this forum.
Truth is I have nowhere else to turn and I am hoping to hopefully one day look back at this first post with a sense of pride and belief (albeit I am so far away from that moment now and it is just a dream on the horizon)
As a bit of background I am a compulsive and problem gambler. I have been gambling since I was 16 years old, first with poker, then with casinos and now in bookmakers on sports.
My gambling has gone from 20pounds when I was 16 to the tens of thousands in my late 30's and has left me over£150,000 in debt and fearing that I will lose my family next.
I dont really know why I do it, I just do. Last week I lost over 50K betting on spanish second division football that I know nothing about yet I still placed the bets chasing spiralling loses.
It makes me sick to the stomach that I cant control myself and I place these bets. As a father with three young children I have gambled away the money I spent years trying to save for them as well as letting my wife down who forgave me the first time but second time around told me we were finished If I did it again.
Needless to say I have done it again and again over the last 5 years without her finding out and I know I need to tell her which also makes me scared.
Anyways day 1 of telling myself I will stop gambling. Gamban in place, counselling sorted out and the long journey ahead awaits.
Catch you all soon.
Ralph.
"150,000 promises lost out the door"
"it only takes one for the day cure"
"tomorrow is never always there"
"until we wake from the gambling stare"
"the small steps we take for the better’
"To improve ourselves no more bet book makers"
"I bid you a fair and life full future"
"away from you’re demons and nightmare"
@dave101 Thanks for the post Dave. I have seen throughout the forum you are always encouraging others and from the bottom of my heart I thank you as I need all the help I can get.
Day 2. Every hour seems to take an age. I am feeling like I am still in a gambling spiral. I constantly go on to my computer and check Cricket Scores and think if only I had bet on that game I would have won my money back.
Went for a long walk this morning to try and clear my head and am reading through the forum. I find it incredibly thereaputic.
Have an online NHS session at 3:30 re triggers and am weirdly excited about it as want to be able to just chat with others who are in the same position as me.
48 hour gambling block on Lloyds app is a lifesaver. Helps take the urge of things.
sending peace and good vibes too all around and I will beat this.
Ralph
Day 3- Woke up today and various thoughts running through my head.
Was thinking about the money lost and the debt I am now in. 150k. Tried not too but couldnt help but think what I could have done with that money. Bought a nicer house for my family, treat my kids to a holiday, spoil my wife. Its super hard to let go but let go I must.
I normally love watching football but since the most recent gambling splurge episode I cant even bear to turn it on the tv/watch it as brings around too many negative thoughts. I wonder if this will ever change and I will be able to watch sport again and enjoy it.
Was thinking about work and whether I should change careers and make myself do something which is more time consuming as my current job leaves me lots of spare time. I want to be active and thus take my mind off of the gambling thughts.
Did my first online session yesterday and heard from other addicts like me. Found it very theraputic and will definitely do it again.
Hears to another day gamble free and sending love to all.
Ralph
Hi @yk1437, thank you for your post on the forum, and well done for putting in place GamBan and reaching out for support. It can be difficult dealing with the urges and also coming to terms with the money lost, but I just want to congratulate you on on your steps so far and let you know that we are here to support you through it. You are doing great so far and if you ever need anything else we are open 24/7 on the helpline.
Well wishes
Forum Admin
Lauren
@yk1437 thanks, I don’t post too often as some times I suspect there are others who can provide better advice. I truely hope you can fight this like I am each day x
keep you the blog
just for today I will not gamble.
dave101
I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that just over a month in to saying I was giving up I relapsed and gambled and lost an abnormal amount of money.
I am laying here in bed, head spinning, ashamed angry and terrified at what I did and what I am.
I hope people dont mind me being so vocal re how Im feeling, but the truth is I am mentally finished.
Hi @yk1437
Relapses can and do happen, but it does not mean you cannot recover from it. When you say you are mentally finished can you tell me a bit more about what you mean?
Please do not go through this alone, we are always here for you on the helpline and are open 24/7, you can also reach out for some mental health support:
Mind: www.mind.org.uk 0300 123 3393
Shout- 24/7: https://giveusashout.org/ It is free to text Shout 85258 from all major mobile networks in the UK.
Samaritans: www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan
Always here for you
Forum Admin
Lauren
I thought I was ready to quit, yet my willpower is pathetic.
I am ashamed embarrassed and really feeling sorry for myself.
Would love to hear from some of the forum re how they came back from relapses.
Thanks all
@yk1437 Could you accept that when it comes to gambling you don’t have willpower? Gambling has you beat, it’s proven it time after time. It’s nothing to do with willpower, it’s because you have an addiction which is greater than you.
I get my help through Gamblers Anonymous. I don’t mean I attend once and I’m cured, I attend almost every week, sometimes twice a week. It’s only 2 hours and it has helped me get away from a serious addiction. My addiction is still there but it’s kept at bay. I can’t afford to get complacent, been there and done that, and it doesn’t end well.
Ive seen people’s lives transformed because of GA, lives saved, and futures given back. Mine included.
Find a meeting, attend regularly for three months and see if life is better. After that decide if you prefer life with gambling or life with GA.
Hope you find a good enough reason to find a meeting.
Chris.
@yk1437 Just found this diary, and so sorry to hear of your relapse. I fully agree with Dave, that just like me you have no power over it. Its taken me decades to eventually realize this, but realize it i now have, i will always be a compulsive gambler and this has depressed me in the past, but now i accept it is me. Drawing a big line in the sand and putting the past firmly in the past as well as my realization have helped to push me forward.
Counselling gave me the ability to look at myself and not be embarrassed, my habit is caused by a number of factors depression, stress, boredom and feelings of low self esteem. In slowly addressing these problems bit by bit and finding coping mechanisms has seen me not gamble, have a better lifestyle and feeling mentally strong again
My advice, tell your partner, seek all the help you can get , counselling if possible. The hard bit put it all in the past, and positively attack this problem, Also praise yourself for each little victory, try saying you are stopping gambling instead of trying. I believe you can do this throw yourself into it, research your condition, and once youve found your triggers make plans and find coping mechanisms, be positive you can do this, and i look forward to seeing it happen.
Should have said Chris sorry.
Hi Chris than you for your thoughtful and incisive post. You are right I am beat and my willpower is not strong enough.
I will try and attend my first GA this week. I am nervous about it, and I struggle to keep things going over a long period of time, so hope that I manage to go weekly forever if needed.
Thank you for your warm words and advice. it is much appreciated in what feels like a deep and dark black hole that i am in.
Thank you so much for these incredibly wise words. Yes I need to accept it and seek the help that will see me out of this hell hole.
Truth be told the hardest thing I find is not the actual stopping of the gambling its letting go of the money lost which is in the hundreds of thousands.
I wonder if this gets easier over time??
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