Focussed and not willing to give in.

Dazza,

I just wanted to swing by after I noticed you replied to my intro post. I admire you fella, and having the courage to open up and acknowledge the problem. Big steps right there and good effort with joining the martial arts.

I wish you all the very best and will keep an eye out for your future posts my friend.

All the best,

Scott

Thanks Scott hope your doing well and maintaining the early days G.f!? We can do this one together pal! 

Day 3 G.f.  I don't feel great today.  No desire to gamble what so ever. A lot of my ridiculous online spending has been gambling on choice cubes in an RPG game.  How pathetic really picking virtual over reality at the cost of £000's. I see it and my eyes are wider than ever. 

I got home from Taekwondo and sorted GamStop and SENSE out so that's all online casinos and land casinos sorted.

My wife has returned home with my step daughter but cold is an understatement. She is angry. She is hurts. She is mad as hell.  She really doesn't know of there is enough left to maintain the relationship as the deceit of my secret gambling now makes her questions absolutely everything. I don't blame her.  I've reiterated to her I have no defense. I've told her I will do everything in my power to control this and never stop controling it and accepting I am an addict. 

Time will tell what happens next with her.  I took my step daughter to school this morning with a tear iny eye.  Could this be one of the last times I do it ?? She's been in my life 7/10 of her years and I love her.  My selfish behaviours have run the risk of me losing what means everything to me. 

Not a single urge to spend or gamble at all today.  Just self pity, worry and dread.

Hi dazza

I can relate to this I'm on my 3rd day, I havnt had no signs of wanting to gamble just on the self pitty and shame, I'm already blocked on uk sites, I need to do Gamban but currently I can't untill a situation has been sorted so my accounts on european sites are just sat there waiting.

My wife was the opposite but she said it was the last time, I have 4 kids and my selfish acts has penalised them from days out as a family and spending time togeather. 

In the end like you said dazza there is only one winner and it's not us, we are just left to pay the price for our mistakes but at least we are not alone and have each other to turn to.

P.s I know what it's like with the online gaming as well I played forsaken world for a year spending to be number 1 on the server, luckly I sold my account and pulled a little money back but not much.

Gaming on mobiles are just as bad try getting a playstion or play on steam on pc or even the Xbox there's a lot of choices of games out there to pass the time.

You are doing well mate just keep up the good work and no matter what happens if you give up gambling at least you will have a chance of a bettr life no matter what happens.

All the best kyle 

It's painful - I played a good old fashioned RPG game I thought but the reality is £15,555 spent on it.  How did I spend that on a game?  Just like you Kyle I was rank 5.  Loved the face when I logged in it was "whoa look the big guy is on".  Where did it really get me though? Nowhere. 

Today is Day 4 gamble free and I feel "ok".  I've worked since 5am this morning and just finished so had a nice shift in work taking my mind off things.  Id had to take a few days sick leave before today. 

The wife is still at home, she's doing some work on the laptop.  Still cold, but still here! She is oozing anger from her pours and I can't blame her.  

Kyle my friend you need to listen hard to me where you are now I was last time.  I got told she would support me but it has to be the last time.  And I still went away and gambled more.  Please keep on this forum and keep pushing yourself to stay away from it all. Find a healthy hobby and bash the s**t out of it! This time the wife is nowhere near as understanding and she is still making sure I realise she hasn't decided yet what she wants to do. She's back but she's not home. 

Gave my dogs a big hug. They still love me! Anyway no self pity - this is all on me! 

No desire to gamble but have to admit today I feel a pang for missing my online gaming and it's discord community.  Wondering how old friends are doing. I have to keep away or IL be drawn back in.

Thanks for reading! 

Dazza

@dazza85 ye some games are just as bad as gambling, they suck you in and take your money seems like we both learnt that the hardway.

I have been on these forums continuously since I joined reading and learning about diffrent experiences, I made the choice yesterday to give the wife my banking stuff that way she can see when a penny gets used in my bank. 

Once my review is done with universal credits I will be implying my gamban and getting rid of paypal that way I can not use any other method of paying for gambling, I am going to try and pick more hours up at work and the wife wants to work so it's going to be a diffrent lifestyle.

Plus like you said I need a hobby I play on the playstion but it doesn't always keep me interested so I need something else. 

I'm glad to hear your wife is still there I could only imagine it does mean she still cares about you but is that angry she can't show it, a diffrent approach by her seems to of made you think harder about gambling and the effects it done and I know it sucks but your hear now talking about it and trying your best to stop. Seems like a small victory on along road buddy.

I wish you all the best and keep up the good work.

hi Daz,

I've been reading your journal the last few days and wanted to throw some credit your way! Its so hard to own up and take responsibility for our actions. 

I'm day 134 gamble free and to be fair, I stopped as my mum was dying and prioritised her. I always told her I'd be with her to her last breath and gambling wasn't going to keep me from that. She was my favourite person and I miss her tremendously. I now stay gamble free to honour her.

Prior to my mums death I had been gambling for 20 years. Slots were my thing. I used them to escape life - work, family, kids etc. However I've realised that I dont need to escape life, I need to feel every minute of it cause one day I won't have it. 

My husband has been supportive, I haven't needed to hand over finances because my desire to honour my mum is too big - however before her death I never felt like I would ever overcome it. I had seriously considered ending it all. I realised my family need me and my children would feel the loss im now feeling. 

I still get the urges but I'm able to manage them better. 

My advice would be to honour yourself and your wife - allow that to be the driving force to your recovery. 

I can't ever bring myself to go back to day 1, it would be such a waste and I owe it to everyone I've ever hurt to keep that number rising!

Good luck, I know you got this!

Clover 🙂

Hello mate and welcome to the start of a new life. Your diary was a tough read for me as it almost exactly how mine started. It's hard when you know you have hurt someone else with your actions and you are now in a limbo state. All you can do is be open and honest and hope for the best with your relationship. This part is out of your hands. You can attempt to make things better by focusing on making yourself better. Showing how committed you are in quitting gambling is all you have at the moment. Attack it head on. Take every opportunity to show you mean business and sort everything out. Any debts, find a way to pay them off, long term. Create a spreadsheet. Print off bank statements. Reveal the horrible truth of your gambling in all its worst glory. It will shock you and hopefully that will drive you on harder. Only once you are completely honest with yourself, can you start to be fully honest with others. Then you are ready to quit.

For me, coming completely clean was so important. It made me accountable. It made me realise how deep I was in. It made me realise how I could never win. It ruined my life, but only that part of my life. Now I'm over 300 days gf, I realise that there is a new life ahead. Hopefully for you, that is a new life ahead with your wife. People do go through this, and do grow stronger as a couple. I sincerely hope your relationship can recovery, but you have to promise to yourself, that no matter what happens, you will continue to quit gambling. if you don't, that part of your life will never go away, and the misery will continue. Unfortunately, you really do have to focus on you for a bit, and hope the actions you take prove to your wife that you are ready to start that new life with her.

I wish you all the best in your recovery and relationship. 

Stay strong 

Hi Dazz.

just checking in and hoping that you are getting through your early days ok 🙏.

keep reading and keep posting.

Wishing you all the very best going forward.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi Clover, Weirdfish and Pink Apple. I really appreciate your posts today thank you for taking the time! Each of your words really resognated heavily to me! 

Today is day five g.f! I feel horrible to be honest. I've worked all weekend which has kept me quite busy, but I also spent all weekend wondering if my lovely beautiful wife was packing her things and getting out of the house whilst I was at work.  I sent a few messages to her to be totally ignored. She's angry but I keep reminding myself she's still chosen to be at home.  I tell her I love her still as often as I can, but she doesn't reply. This is all on me and I need to remember and store this! Anyway both days I came home and she was still there ! I love this lady so very much I can't ever let myself do this to her again. 

Still planning on going to my very first G.A meeting Tuesday evening. Starting to feel a little nervous if I'm totally honest. I mean I want to go and I want to own my addiction but I'm thinking thoughts like what if I recognise someone ? What if someone laughs at me? All inner thoughts really but I AM GOING. 

Managed to eat something tonight. Spent some time with my lovely step daughter too. Focusing on the small things that are actually the everything! 

I am so determined to be long term G.f. I've started to set in my mind rules I must stick to always. #1 I cannot play any sort of game that sells play to win packs.  Playing any game like that to me is like asking an alcoholic to join a quiz in a pub.  That's me game free for the rest of my life.  If I let myself do anything but console games I am so at risk of none stop spending. Can't let it happen! Rule 1 is set in stone for me now! 

Thanks to each of you.  This forum is giving me a place to discuss my inner words and I appreciate it. 

Dazza

Day 6 and gamble free. I remind myself every moment still right now that all the consequences financial and personal are down to me and my addiction. 

I had a massive conversation last night with my wife. It involves a lot of tears. Very open and honest from her and very open and accepting from me. There literally is no defense to my actions. I feel like I need a tattoo saying this ! Anyway I digress, she talked about how the deceit of spending in secret is what hurts the most and that's the hardest part for her to accept.

How whilst we struggled to get our daughter wonderful gifts for Christmas I managed to blow £1000 in secret.

How when she was working extra shifts and tiring herself out to the point of exhaustion I was blowing £1000 in secret. 

How when it was our step daughters birthday and we took her out for the day, I was blowing £1000 in secret. 

I accept I cannot ever let this continue. The conversation we had was hard hitting but it snowed me something.  She loves me and it's breaking her heart.  She has said she will stand by me assuming I hand over financial control and offer receipts on any purchases moving forwards and I accept this. I held her hand and cried like a baby. 

I will not let gambling do this to us, to her, again. 

I will attend my first G.A tomorrow focussed of the road ahead. 

I remain gamblocked, SENSE blocked and have a 121 counselling session booked in ready for Wednesday. 

Tomorrow will be my first week g.f.  Perhaps in my adult life time. 

I feel you pal day 6 was a head knocker for me aswell, my mind keeps racing on what's could happen and not what's happening atm. 

I'm glad that you and your wife have talked through it now and she chose to stand by you, that will give you all the motivation you need! 

It was the same with me I gambled all our spare money and when the wife wanted anything or the kids all I could say is we don't have the money , tome for that to change :).

 I'm unfortunate where I live there's not G.A meetings near me, they are like 50miles away I was hoping there would be one close by but it's not the end of the world. 

I got my assessment for my 121 on Friday and hoping it goes well, glad to see you have yours in order pal wish you the best of luck. 

Keep it up pal we both on day 7 soon.

Day 7 g.f! One whole week.  Sounds pathetic to even be happy about it but you know what I really am!  Had a day in work today so mind has been focussed. Decided to reach out to my mother in law and send an honest and heartfelt apology.  Up to now she totally ignored it.  That makes me feel panicky and anxious.  I'm really doing my best here to own my problems and face them.  I'm off to my first ever G.A meeting in just over an hour.  Definitely feel on edge and not knowing what to expect! 

No desire to gamble but a day of feelings! I feel stressed today. 

Kyle - we follow a similar path timewise don't give in buddy keep it up 👏 

Day 8 gamble free. I managed a full week for the first time realistically in forever. Things are coming together. 

I accept I'm a compulsive gambler completely.

Attended my first G.A meeting last night and felt really supported.  Great group of people.  It felt really good to just sit and let it out and be listened to by people nodding their heads and understanding. Definitely going next week! 

Today I had my first 121 gambling counselling session which to be fair was more me telling her all about my backstory.  I think it will help, my wife is signing up to the affected family part so she can also get some sessions in lieu of some couple therapy sessions at the very end. 

I don't want to gamble at all but I'm noticing a few thoughts wondering how old friends in the game I played are doing and what events are ongoing.  I've deleted my account completely so put the thoughts to the back of my mind but they are there a little.  I've gone from a lot of hours on there spending and playing to lots of hours not. It's like going cold turkey I suppose. Never washed up so much! 

Day 8 gamble free and I'm feeling relatively under control thanks to last night's session. I drove there and noticed 4 bookies on the way down.  Ironic really.  Didn't have any intention of going in any but it alarmed me that I noticed! 

The wife is a little warmer. She's still very mad but she can't question my attempts to make things right. She's telling me she's very tired and going to bed early but I know she's struggling too. 

So swiftly I move to day 9 g.f.  feeling a little flat today. It's my day off work before a run of a few days in together. Feeling the loss of not playing my game anymore. Happy I'm not gambling and compulsive spending but I can feel that gap in time I have been so used to filling with it. Onto some house work! Laundry done, dishes done now sorting some food prep for tonight's dinner. Got a banging headache today.  I've started to show my wife my online banking each night and it's started to help show my commitment and ensure she knows I'm not spending anything on gambling. She's getting warmer to me now but there's still a long journey ahead.

Just struggling a little with the free time.  Not because I want to go ahead and gamble but because I'm so used to sitting for hours playing that now I'm a little lost what to do. 

Dazza