For everything I did wrong, I did many things right

Hi suzy

Love the mindset, to gift yourself food for thought.

Regards the lottery, it's up to you my friend, for me it's a simple equation.

If I gamble a single thing, be it a cup of tea or the lottery it manifests into another bet, it feeds the beast within my mind.

With gambling I am all in, gung ho, I simply cannot stop once I have started.

So for me I win without placing that next punt.

You have your own mind to make up, bottom line is recovery is bespoke, it is how it makes you feel, if total abstinence works and you enjoy it, why change?

Addiction will live with me for life, it will stand by my side, that is better than it being inside my mind.

Where it lived in control for more than twenty years.

So do what works for you suzy, live by the conviction of it.

I admire your honesty, I know for sure addiction will hate it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Suzy, I say its entirely upto you regarding the lottery but I know I wont cos I know I dont want to bet a single pound on anything all I will say is how would your mind think or should I say your addiction think if say you won a little bit?..even just 3 numbers and whatever it pays your addiction will want you to keep playing and before you know it it will have you thinking that was no harm...I can gamble normally see!!!! just a thought so be careful whatever you decide and as Dunc says your doing perfectly well without it!!x

Day 157

Good Morning diary,

Thanks for the comments, they really helped me decide not to return to the lotto. It is so true that 4 or 5 months into this is a very high risk of relapse time. I could never understand that and often asked the question to others on here. Their lives had changed for the better so why would they return to gambling. I understand it so much better now. You feel you can just do a little gambling. My head said surely I could manage a 4 euro national lottery once a week. Same as other people have said a tenner won't hurt. It will hurt if it drags me back into that spiral.

I read a lovely story about a fella who checked into a gambling addiction clinic. He handed over his phone and his money so he could not gamble. However he held back one pound. That pound held back his recovery. He wasn't totally committed. I have to be totally committed too.

When I got that message about funds in my slots account, I should have deleted it. I believed there was money in it which I could withdraw. I am so good at giving advice about being lured back with free spins but when my turn came I wanted to get that balance. I need to take my own advice !!

As I said in my earlier post, my brain has fast forwarded to the grand national 2015. There isn't a soul in the world I could say that to face-to-face as they would think I was wacko. But I can say it here on this diary and some of you will understand!! I read another interesting story about G.A. and that is people attend more after a holiday than they do BEFORE a holiday. So now I realise that all my thoughts are actually a good thing because I am dealing with it BEFORE it happens. I see it as being the highest risk time to my recovery, all the warning lights are flashing. That is ok. It is too late after the event. It seems in G.A that Mondays are busier than Fridays. The damage is done at the weekend. It is better to think about things seriously BEFORE .... I will keep this in mind at Xmas too as I feel it is a high-risk time of the year.

There you go now. I feel so much better having my therapeutic chat with myself.... It helps me to make sense of it all and gives me strength to face the tough urges .

Take care everybody,

Suzy

Hi Suzy,

You're right about the thoughts about gambling sticking in the back of your mind, I guess they are there for the long haul. I guess the longer we go without gambling, and the more comfortable we get in terms of the lifestyle, the fewer barriers that are stopping us from gambling. Say there is a £50 or £100 surplus in your monthly budget, it wouldn't do any harm to play a little with that. The truth is that it would do harm, and the spiral back towards rock bottom would start again, for me at least.

However, when it comes to the lottery I do play, one ticket per draw. Maybe I know in my subconscious that I will get drawn back at some point. I don't know. As it goes by DD I don't really think about the cash that I put into it, but daydreaming about the win to drag me out of this life is kinda fun.

Anyway, well done on your progress, and congratulations on the half year gamble free.

Ryan

Hi Suzy,

Very well done on 157 days.

I understand totally about what you are saying about thinking ahead, I did a couple of weeks before my redundancy money went into my bank, and I am thinking ahead with my money all the time now

It does get easier as the weeks mount up, but when we suddenly have spare money again, we are very vulnerable, and it can be dangerous times, because the addiction is telling us it's ok now to have a little bet, we have money again, I experienced that last week but I knew it was going to happen so it wasn't a shock to me, (if that makes sense) I guess we will always have to keep our guard up tightly secured as high as we can.

Take care

Suzanne xx

hows the week going so far suzy?

Day 159

Hi Stephen, I am good thanks! It's lovely to hear from you. I must give you my email address.

No urges or thoughts of gambling for the last few days I am glad to say. The number of days really do build up once you have the first month over. I read the diaries nearly every day to see how people are getting on. There is a good bunch of us on here making great progress this year. 2014 has been quite a year with its ups and downs but won't it be great making our New Years resolutions with a good number of days clocked up. I am enjoying Celebrity in the Jungle...they are a mixed bunch. The *** bull story from Mayo has really hit the headlines today!!

Enjoy the evening & be proud of another gamble free day.

Suzy

Dear Diary,

160 days making changes and putting gambling in the past. Be strong everyone and Xmas will be so much better.

Take care,

Suzy

Dear Diary,

164 days without wasting a penny gambling.

Urges simmering away in the background especially on Saturdays but I have resisted them.

Wishing you all well.

Suzy

Hi Suzy,

Well done on continuing to beat these demons and hope the build-up to Christmas is a positive one as the fruits of recovery continue to be sweet. Come to think of it, I think my favourite fruit of recovery will be an orange. A Terry's Chocolate Orange maybe! Even better than actual fruit...

Anyhow, keep up the good work.

Ryan

Dear Diary ,

It is 166 days since my last gamble.

Enjoying life without the highs and crashing lows of gambling. Living it at a calmer quieter pace. Gambling urges come and go ...mostly at the weekends. Last November I started to self exclude from online slots but replaced these with other forms of gambling. It is better to quit completely. I will have 200 days clocked up before 2014 is over if I remain vigilant and strong.

Take care everyone,

Suzy

Hi Suzy,

Good positive post, keep doing what you are doing, it's working well, 166 days is fantastic, well done.

Take care Suzanne xx

Dear Diary,

169 days. Gambling wrecks my head. Things are much simpler without it.

Not complacent. All blocks in place.

Take care everyone.....we are all worth so much more than gambling can ever give us.

Suzy

170 days.

Usual Saturday urges to gamble but I expect them now. In 2 weeks I will have clocked up 6 mths gamble free. This forum has made a great difference. It helps me know what to expect on this recovery journey. Some Xmas presents sorted and money for the others. No bonuses for the slot owners from me this Xmas. That is all in the past. This is the new me. Slow but sure wins the race.

Be kind to yourselves,

Suzy