Gamble no more

Day 84 almost complete. No urge to gamble but a bad day feeling really down about my debt yesterday. Still on track and sticking to my plan to pay it off, but getting harder emotionally to keep it to myself.

congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe at 90 days you can treat yourself to a special meal or something else that your like. tara2

Day 97... it feels great to be nearing day 100. Not really having any urges, but using any spare cash to tackle debts, so don’t really have the funds to gamble even if I wanted to. It also feels great to have free time and not spend all day/evening thinking about gambling or checking bets!

Day 109 and for the first time since I quit I have a real urge to gamble. A bad day at work combined with too many conversations focused on the grand national has made me feel like this. I know I won't do it however, or I will feel 100 times worse. Makes me think that stress or unhappiness has definitely been a main trigger in my compulsion previously. Will have to watch out for this feeling in the future...

Day 110

I feel like the grand national has been a trigger for me. Not a trigger to start gambling again - I just know I can't unless I want to ruin my life - but it has brought the bad decisions and debt gambling has caused to the fore of my mind once again. For the past 3 months I have been feeling positive and motivated to clear these debts, but since yesterday I feel like I have a dark cloud over me again. I will keep following my plans and be debt free by next year, and I hope I can shake this feeling soon enough.

Day 114

Feeling a bit better again, what's done is done, and at least I have a plan to sort it that I'm sticking to. No urges the past few days.

Day 119.

Really tempted to put a bet on the football tonight but I know I can't or I will feel terrible. If only I could have stuck to small bets in the first place lol.

Worried that I'm now starting to 'miss' having an interest during the football, but also lucky that I still feel sick at the idea of placing a bet.

4 months ago today since I placed my last bet! So pleased to be taking this positive action and moving towards a better life. Still not told my spouse, hopefully after another month I will do this.

Another full calendar month of 2018 almost complete. Really beginning to come to terms with the fact that I won't be able to gamble again. Occasionally this makes me feel sad because I think of how much 'fun' it used to be, but then reality comes back into play and I remind myself that this 'fun' has caused nothing but worry, secrets and hidden finances.

Hopefully will be debt free by March 2019, so it also feels nice to know that it will be less than a year now rather than the 16months when I first gave up. Really can't wait to have this burden lifted from my shoulders and really start living life. I can totally resonate with those out there who won't spend £1.50 on a loaf of bread because it's too expensive, but have no qualms spending £2k gambling in a few weeks! It's ludicrous when you think about it; so in control of finances in every other aspect of life, extremely frugal and give off the outward impression of being great with money, but no one really knows the secret part of you that is reckless and destroying your future.

Still haven't confided in anyone about my gambling problem/debts but I am building myself up to telling my partner. I want to get another month of payments and gambling abstinence under my belt to be able to show them that I am able to deal with this and won't let it ruin their life as well as mine. I know they would support me, at least I think they will, but I am so scared of dissapointing them. They know I like to bet but will have no idea to what extent and the level of damage I have created. Maybe I am dreading the aftermath, and my loss of 'control', or maybe I am just terrified they will think lesser of me, who knows? I do understand this is an important part of recovering and that I WILL have to tell them, to help me have someone to hold my behaviour to account. I guess a big part of me will be glad to be able to lift some weight off of my own shoulders, and share this big secret that has kept me awake for years. One recurring fear I have is that I will die without anyone knowing about the debt I have created, and then my disgusting reckless behaviour will come to light then.

Previoulsy in the past I have had panics about my gambliing and the debt I had created, but never enough to actually stop. Something has been different this time, and I am so so glad. Maybe I'm reaching an age that I realise that my actions don't just dictate my future, they affect my spouse and potential future children too. This time I've also realised that gambling is something I can easily live without, and just serves to waste my time, and means I am not always 'present' with my family, rather than be of benefit to me. I wish I could find a time machine and go back to whenever I started gambling more than deemed normal, and get a grip, but hindsight is a wonderful thing lol!

Hi Neveragain,

Thanks for your post on my page.

Yes the people in my life (Wife/Partner/friends) now all know about my gambling/gambling history. My one piece of advice to you is that the longer you leave it the harder it gets believe me.

Reading your posts its sounds like you still have the whole weight of the world on your shoulder...its a feeling I remember well, but it does get better and honesty is a big part of that.

If you flicked this over the other way and your wife was gambling then you would want to know right? I am sure there will be some tears if/when you told her but I’m sure she will be just as upset that you didn’t’ feel you could go to here and you were dealing with it all on your own.

Can you start by telling someone else, a friend a family member etc. I would guess that nobody will be able to think any less of you than you do yourself just now. Or even better talk to a counsellor or get yourself to GA. Give it a go…what harm can it do?

Damo

Hi Neveragain

Well done on your recovery so far, you are doing great.

re telling your wife I can only speak from my own experience but the thing that hurt my wife the most was not telling her earlier about the mess I was in. It is never going to be easy to tell your wife but it was really day1 of my proper recovery. Maybe put yourself in her shoes - would you want to know so you could support your wife if it was her that was trying to stop gambling?

All the best

Muststop123

Thank you for your advice ITDamo and Muststop123. I totally agree that if the roles were reversed I would want to know and it is really unfair to keep this secret from her. My mistakes affect her (and our) future, so she deserves to know. It will probably again take even more stress off when I tell her, as it will mean I can explain why I have been working so much OT and yet appear to have nothing more to show from it (paying extra towards debts).

I have a really busy 2 week period coming up, so I feel like I have to wait until this is over, but I definitely plan to tell her after this. The thing that worries me most though is that I really can't imagine saying the words out loud, and trying to explain this out loud. I am leaning towards writing a letter as I can articulate my feelings better when written down. I may also attach copies of my CC and loan payments to show that there has been no spending, and significant progress has been made over the past 4 months towards reducing them.

I'm terrified to tell her because I know she deserves better than this. She would literally do anything for me, and is always there to help me out. Yet I repay her with this stupidity, and make it even worse with my secretive behaviour, so she doesnt find out until the problem is out of control.

Maybe I'm so worried because I know how I would react if the roles were reversed. Yeah I would stick by her and support her, but I know I would make sure she knew how ludicrous her behaviour had been, and definitely not let it pass lightly. Maybe the sooner I let her know and get this dirty part of my character out in the open the better. It would seem that I still get to portray myself in a better light than I deserve and that's perhaps what scared me the most about admitting this, when in reality it's no one's fault but my own and I do deserve to be punished or at least experience dissapointment towards me for what I have done.

I dont think there is an issue with a letter, it may seem cowardly to some but I think doing it that way is better than not doing it at all.

Your posts sound very like mine were in the first few months but I can really sense the determination in you to stop gambling. By telling your partner you are just putting anothjer blocker in place.

Good luck

Damo

Day 127 complete

A little bit of temptation has reared it's head today, but certainly not enough to tempt me back. An account that I haven't accessed in over a year emailed me to let me know that I still had money in my account. I did log in to check out of curiosity, and there is £5.50 in there lol. Had a slight moment where I thought I could just use it and no one would know, but I know I can't, and the thought of placing a bet still feels very uneasy. So I don't know what I'll do about that account, maybe I'll leave it until I've told someone and then just let them use it. Only thing I know is I don't want any part in placing the bet.