Gamble no more

Thought I would try and make a start on typing up the letter that I will eventually give to my partner. Can't stop crying as I begin typing. Maybe the idea of letting someone know is the first time I am properly facing up to the consequences. Yes, I have stopped gambling for 4 months, but I still am the only person who knows that I had a problem in the 1st place, let alone about my level of debt. I know I must do this, and I know it will be better for me, but I am so so afraid to lay this out into the open.

Day 130 complete... still no major urges.

Day 133 complete

Not had a great few days, I just can't stop focusing on how much my debt is going to hold me back over the next 10 months. It almost feels like I can't begin to plan anything or make strides forward with my life until I have this cleared.

Also found myself waking up last night in a terrible downer, focusing on all my negatives and wondering if really I deserve to be able to tackle this and have a good life. I am lucky enough to have a wife who is great, but then I think maybe I really don't deserve her if I am capable of this. I also am lucky enough to have a job that I enjoy and be gaining an education on a course I love, but that little voice in my head keeps telling me that you will never amount to anything, and you are already a failure.

I guess I will probably have a lot more of these days than I first anticipated, but I wish I was able to take the positive outlook and see that I am trying to repair my mistakes, which will mean I will have an even better life in the future, but it's hard to win against those negative voices.

Maybe I would struggle less if I had someone to talk about it with, maybe I'd feel better if I told my wife, but I just don't feel like I can burden her with this yet. She would be so shocked at the amount I owe, and the amount I have spent over the years that I feel like I must wait until I have paid a bit more off.

However, as I try to think more positively, it is good to be able to say I am 19 weeks gamble free. I have noticed a few more urges recently, and still 'miss' gambling to an extent, but I am still very aware of what this addiction has done to my life and know that I cannot risk destroying my life anymore than I already have.

On a final note, as I try my best to tackle this I find myself trying to pinpoint when I moved from the realm of gambling for entertainment to problem gambling. I still do not feel brave enough to check my bank/credit card statement to try and find out when it happened and why. I remember when I would just place a £1 accumulator bet at the weekend, but I cannot remember when this turned into easily £200 wasted a night betting on any and every football market, and staying up past 3am to bet on the Brazilian leagues. How do you go from a weekend gambler to a 5 figure sum on your credit cards gambler? I know I have been like this for years, I would guestimate at least maybe for the past 3.5-4 years maybe longer, and there have been a few occasions that I wished I could confide in my partner to help control me, but it turns out I obviously wasn't ready to stop in any way or I would have came here and started my journey then. Oh how I was I had hit my 'rock bottom' 10k earlier lol!

You are doing amazingly Neveragain! I would love to be able to get to the number of GF days as you have.

Don’t let your guard down. When vulnerable, your brain will be looking at trying to justify a ’harmless little gamble’. Fight it, you know how it will end. I should know, it’s been my rinse wash repeat cycle for the past few years. It’s only now I have come to accept that life has to be gamble free for good. The smallest innocuous £10 pat on the back for being so good bet never ends there.

Thanks ukds, I know what you mean about letting the guard down, this is something I worry about but I am hoping I can avoid. Realistically I know how important it is that I clear this debt to be able to live the life that I want to, so this keeps me going just now.

Still feeling in a bit of a downer, maybe I’ll feel better when I get paid soon and have a bit of spare cash.

Also, I had a quick glance at your post on how do you replace gambling and this is something I am struggling with too. I am a bit of an introvert so maybe I have to try and push myself out of my comfort zone. Have you found anything that replaces it yet?

To be perfectly honest, no, I’ve never found a suitable direct replacement.

Gambling seems to give me something completely unique. It can’t be the sheer amount of dopamine and endorphins released, as I have engaged in a fair few high adrenaline sports through the years that must’ve given me much higher doses.

“It’s not the winning, it’s the possibility of losing it all” to paraphrase a quote on the TV programme Billions. Sounds crazy but I think there’s a heck of a lot of truth to it. It’s all about the anticipation, the near misses. Winning is only important to provide fuel for the fire. Tokens to play with.

Day 140

What a difference 20 weeks makes! Currently not having any desires to gamble and when I hear of people talking about bets I don’t feel that same urge to join in I had before. Feeling glad that the giving up gambling has been so ‘easy’ so far, but just wish I’d had my lightbulb moment so much earlier!!!

Debts Are still really getting me down, but on the plus side 1 of my credit cards will be at 0 next month and my debts are now into the 4 figures (exc savings I have borrowed). I will be debt free by February if I keep up payments. I just wish I had the courage to tell my partner. This is a long stressful road and thoughts of my stupidity and debts fill my head for at least 50% of my day. Keep waiting for the right time but I doubt there will be one.

Ps... the last time I was on the forum so late at night I was full of self hatred and despair and thoughts of my worthlessness consumed me, but tonight is different... I feel a sense of calm and maybe I am beginning to accept that I’m doing the best I can on this journey. I’ve punished myself for the past 4 months, and dare I say even more so during my years of gambling, so maybe it’s time for me to accept my faults, work on them, and try and be my own friend again.

5 months gamble free today!

Kept on top of updates for the champions league final and didn't feel an urge to bet. Pretty pleased with this.

Really feel like I'm completely on top of this and hope that nothing pops up to unhinge my progress. Yes I do occasionally 'miss' that excitement of a bet, but I know that I cannot go back to that life. Whilst gambling, every hour of every day was consumed with some thought regarding my next bet or following my next bet. I would even bet during work, at obscure times (3am on Brazilian league 2... come on what's that all about?!) Or during important events in my life.

Now when I look back I am disgusted with how completely obsessed and consumed I became with it.

I have a lot more free time now and feel happier for the most part (debt still gets me down) and don't have to deal with that resounding guilt of knowing that I've just blown £500 in a night and no one is any the wiser.

Debt however is still an issue that plagues my thoughts for a large amount of my day. Starting debt was 18.5k now sitting at 8.5k (borrowed 5k from savings). I have a clear plan to clear this by February hopefully and I am now really believing this will happen. I am coming to terms with having just a little disposable income and learning to stop recklessly spending. Can't wait to see how it feels to be more financially secure each month!

Good luck everyone and keep going on your journey!

Today marks 23 weeks gamble free! Wow, when I think about it in terms of weeks it feels like such a long time.

Told my spouse finally, and it's great to have such a weight lifted. It also means I have someone I can talk to about it at anytime which will be a good support mechanism.

It's a great feeling to know I haven't placed a single bet in 2018. Long may it continue .

186 days since I last gambled.

In a MUCH better place financially since I gave up and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Roll on February when I will be debt free with the exception of money I have borrowed from my savings.

Every few days I have an urge. But I am in such a good place right now that I know gambling isn't an option.

Beginning to look forward to the future and making plans that I couldn't have before due to debts.

I sleep better at night and no longer have this deep guilt within me. I did only tell my spouse a few weeks ago, but since then it's like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Beginning to remember what life felt like before I was obsessed with gambling!

192 days gamble free.

Having a rubbish day and have a real urge to gamble. Fed up of dealing with the consequences of gambling and all the debts I am paying off. Fed up of working hard with nothing to show for it.

Although I want to gamble I know I won't. I can't go back to that place.

I wish I could look forward in time to see if I am much happier come February when my debts should hopefully be clear.

Maybe I need to find some mindfulness methods to help change my way of thinking.

Hi NeverAgain6789,

Well done for your 192 days GF. It sounds like you are feeling the strain of having to clean up what you have done due to your gambling, however I can hear that you are able to think about how it will look like come 'February' when the mess are all clean. Maybe you could also look at how things were when you were gambling as opposed to how things are now that you are not gambling. It is good that you are on this Forum where you could be supported by people who knows that it can only get better ones you take the step that you have taken.

You talked about needing helo to 'change my way of thinking'. What do you think about Counselling? We give Free counselling in many areas in the country and you can access counselling with us if you want to look at the underlying reasons why you do what you do. You can call an advisor on our free Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or on our Netline at http://www.gamcare.org.uk/frontline-services/netline, and you would be helped to access free counselling.

You do not have to be alone in this, we are here to support you.

Regards

Forum Admin

NeverAgain6789 wrote: Today marks 23 weeks gamble free! Wow, when I think about it in terms of weeks it feels like such a long time. Told my spouse finally, and it's great to have such a weight lifted. It also means I have someone I can talk to about it at anytime which will be a good support mechanism. It's a great feeling to know I haven't placed a single bet in 2018. Long may it continue .

How did your partner take it? Interestingly you haven't mentioned that at all

They were very accepting. A bit shocked at first, but then told me they were relieved to find out as they knew something had been wrong for months and worried that i wanted to end our relationship. They told me I was crazy for ever worrying that they would leave me, and said they would help in any way they could, but obviously not financially as this is my problem I want to fix myself. We haven't really deeply spoken about it. I wrote a letter that said everything I wanted to say and I find it difficult to discuss it further than that. We have the occasional mention of how I am doing but it's very brief. I have also told them they can have full access to my accounts and check all transactions whenever they want. So far they have declined and said that they trust me, but every so often I will try and show them my credit report etc so they can see that I haven't been doing it again.

For me this journey feels strange. When I was gambling I had never lied to my partner. They knew I gambled, they just didn't know the extent. This meant I could continue in secret and because I was spending my savings and accumulating debts in my name i didnt think about how this could affect my partner in our future. However now that I have come clean about my issue and my partner is aware, any gambling I do now would mean that I would have to lie and abuse their trust. And I don't feel like I'm willing to do this.