Hi Everyone,
My name is lordlucan and I am a compulsive gambler.
Like my username I can defiantly say I am no Lord however like the stories behind the name I am very much an addict to this horrible disease.
My story like most dates back to being a child. Playing cards with the family over holiday periods not wanting to loose small coppers against any of my family as I wanted those coppers to turn into sliver to buy more with my pocket money. That plus I could never be a loser.
This then progressed into my teens where I would head to theme parks and have no interest in the rides. I would find myself drawn in to fruit machines attempting to win the £5 jackpots putting more in than the jackpot actually was. The flashing lights and flowers for flo on my favorite 'Andy Cap' fruity kept me drawn in.
Going through school I would find myself with the boys playing different card games staking my dinner money. I was always a winner in my head and when losing I would rage wanting my money back that I had lost.
Adulthood slowly was approaching. I never took much of an interest from 16 to 18 with what I was doing previously. These two years were the last gamble free times I can remember.
At 18 years of age my story really starts to become shattering.
The online market really starts to open up in the 2000s. Having the opportunity to bet on any openmarket possible became available. I was drawn in by the free stakes the bookies would offer for signing up. Standard football betting predicting who would win in a game was my first attempt to win free money.. I will always remember my first bet. Yes it was a win. A small win but it was a free bet! South American Football late at night.. Great i thought this was so easy! Sadly i was very much mistaken.
That year i had saved vast amounts of cash to travel to world. my flights were booked. I was heading off into the unknown. i had around 8000 pound saved. At the heat of my early enthusiasm i was lucky only to loose around about 1000 pound of my travel fund but it was a start to my progressing addiction.
Throughout my gap year i travelled to some wonderful places and feel very fortunate to have seen some amazing places. a lot of poverty stricken country’s. i would find myself in the internet cafes in third world places staking more money on how many corners in a game there might be than the average minimum monthly wage for a local in places i was visiting. looking back i feel so disgusted in myself however we all know when a gambler is in zone nothing can make the breakthrough to stop.
I ended up in the USA at the end of my trip and loved going to the Casinos. My savings by this time had vanished into great memory’s of my trip however a percentage ended up wasted gambling. I would find myself going more and more times into the Casinos trying to get the big win to keep my traveling dream alive.
One night this happened.. it was around 02:00AM in the morning. I was playing at the roulette tables where I managed to accumulate $2500 on playing red and black! I went in with around $200 so I was quite buzzing with such a great gain though drained being earlier hours. I headed to the cash desk, cashed In the chips and headed straight to the toilet of all places to count my winnings! I was so happy with the crisp $100 bills. I really should have wiped my ars* with them at that point and flushed them down the bog.
There is always room for one more bet and that certainly happened. 10 minutes after winning this nice some of cash In my mindset I thought this next $100 spin if won could pay for my drinks and food tonight. Before you know it all the money had gone and the last of my trip money had been fluttered away. It was time now to come back home. Though I was working, mentally this experience really took a hold of me and i just gave up. The addiction sucked all the energy out of me.
After arriving back in the UK for the last 6 to 7 years I have carried on chasing the dream of trying to win big. Like my profile states I will risk my hard earn money on anything to trying and gain back lost causes of money squandered. I believe I have wasted 20k English over this time.(i now feel i have no desire to chase this as i will never get this back otherwise i will destroy my future more than the dreaded past of my horrible addiction)
FOBTs have taken the most of my cash in recent months and years. i will never walk-away as a winner as i would rather loose all the money so i cannot gamble. it has come to this point which is so sad. the opportunity of the big win has no interest to me. i just want the buzz to be chucked around for a few minutes and self inflict pain on myself for doing wrong. losing money does this to me.
I have been to GA meetings in recent years and though the first time it worked for a few months I stopped going which resulted in relapse.
Though recently I am in a happy place I still have being gambling up until 8 days ago where I decided enough was enough and that I needed to make life changing decisions so I can start improving a very good life I have. For the past 4 years every bet I have placed makes me feel so guilty the amount of time wasted feeding my addiction only brings pain to myself mentally and physically.
I have a fantastic partner and home life with great loving people around me. I have no desire or need to do this to myself anymore.
I will soon be returning to GA meetings and getting back on the horse as the second time I went I never bought into it. The real reason was because I did not want to stop gambling.
This is the start of my dairy. I will stick around maintaining the entries as often as possible. ups and downs will happen i am sure.
Thanks for reading.
Unlucky Lucan.
Thank you for posting. Your childhood story is identical to mine; I could copy and paste it up to the age of 16 years. I am not able to post a long reply right now as I am abroad and on a (rubbish) phone, but I will certainly revisit you when I have the chance. Good luck with the abstinence
Hi milkman, thank you so much for posting it really means alot that people are out there listening and can relate and care. I hope you are having a nice trip outside the country.
Technically day 9 (though late at night)
I have had a great weekend. No football bets no fobts. Payday is here. No urges or temptation.
Done exercise household choirs watched some sport. Ready for a long week at work. Long road ahead but my mind is clear and feel really good at the moment. Time to sleep.
Day 10
Busy week at work. Worked really hard with a clear head. No worries of a past week in and out of a dirty Smelly bookies.
There have been a few minor urges late at night thinking what I could do with my spare small amount of cash as payday has now past and gone. I have the opportunity to go back to old ways if I want to. The thought of the counter going back to 0 days keeps me going. 10 days is a massive milestone. Every day is a massive millstone for me.
Looking at old posts on here keeping me going. Thinking of the positives having money spare instead of the usual survival tactics of sh** on toast each month.
Such a longer way to go but Tomorrow is day 11.
Everyday is a milestone but some seem more significant than others If you manage 30 days it seems to get a little...easier is not the right word, but just maybe it doesn't dominate your thoughts quite as much. 100 days feels like you're on track...6 months and the money situation starts to noticeably improve...and one
year puts you in the 3% club!
All we can do is one day at a time. It really does get better. Btw, my diary is 'M1LKMAN' if you're interested
Thanks again for replying. it really keeps you going when a post arrives. I will defiantly check your dairy out. Tried having a quick look earlier this week however just slowing getting to grips with navigating the site being a newbie. Now I have your details I will be checking it out.
May I ask what is the 3% club?
Day 11.
Another day passes. still I have not given in to the old guard of bookies on the fobts and silly instigator bets of laying small coin on the a pointless horse race I know nothing about triggering fobt binges
Took the dog out after work. Though tired did an hour walk instead of a small run. It was wet and fresh but we both loved it.
It's the middle of the week soon be the weekend.
Checked out a few YouTube videos on betting and saw some similar stories to my own. Ran out of videos on the disease to watch so it was repeat documentrys. Started watching punter again a drama I have seen before on you tube about a gambling plumber.
Time to read a few posts on gamcare then off to the land of nod.
Day 12
Another day passes soon be the end of the working week tomorrow. My personality is really starting to shine. Feel so happy at work and confidence is definitely starting to come.
Holiday in 5 weeks yesterday planned. It will be my small target to be drinking a cold beer on the beach in September 2015. Celebrating being gamble free.
No real thoughts on gambling. Spoke to a close friend last night who is also suffering from being a compulsive gambler. He is in a darker place than be right now and has lost everything.
Tomorrow it will be lucky day Friday and 13 days clean!
Massive congratulations on 12 days...They soon add up don't they 🙂
Don't beat yourself up not being able to find Milky's diary...I have to click on his username then find the last one he wrote on his diary to get into it & I've been here for months!
Like you, I soooo wish I'd found recovery sooner but as you know, we can't change out past now, just strive to give ourselves a better future! There is a lot of talk about people attending GA but not working the 12 steps/recovery...Hopefully now you have reached the point where you are ready to put as much work into recovery as you did gambling because I'll tell you what, I haven't had bleep on toast for a very long time 🙂
That cold one in yours for the taking! Just keep fighting - ODAAT
ODAAT! thank you so much for your message! Your right time does go really quick gaining the days not gambling! I finally managed to read both of your diarys! Such powerful stories.you have both come so far and are role models to me and many others in our route to stop. I really appreciate your encouragement.
thanks for the ga reminder. I am planning very soon to get back to my local group. In the past I have been because I feel low down and back to the start again. This time I go I will have already started my road to recovery and will not be down and out not wanting to share. I can walk in with a better feeling this time not on the floor being more positive than negative.
its day 13 now and it's the weekend. I have again been out for a hour after work with the pooch. Just had a takeaway bought by my beutiful other half. I think I will do something for her tomorrow and let her have a lie in and take the dog out for the early shift. God I never thought of others before. Gambling sucked the motivation out of me. I never pushed myself or helped Anyone. Such a selfish life I had before. It's so nice being able to support others rather than relying on the closest people to support a gambeling wreck.
off to a small party tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the second week I have stopped. Onwards and upwards.
Day 14 checking in to my dairy.
Made my promise of walking the dog early today for my other half.
Pulled up right outside a bookies this afternoon to get money out of a bank. Thought of my times spent in the bookmaker. Knowing in my head If I walked into the shop I would be back to losing ways.Had little interest going in.
Few cold beers in the belly this afternoon. Watched the second half of my football team draw. £10 in my pocket for the week left ahead. Chill day tomorrow being funday Sunday.
Day 15 and 16
Going well not gambling! However the past few days have been crazy in not sleeping very well going to bed at 5pm Saturday waking up at 2am body clock shot to s**t.
Watched a really good documentry on channel 4od. It's johnathan Rendalls story of getting 12k to bet with from channel 4. It's such a good watch to a compulsive gambler though old. It beats the last ones on the bbc which really upset me as they glamorised the addiction and made gambeling look acceptable. Really got me raging that program and wanted me to gamble which I did a few weeks ago when it was aired.
Since then I am now into my recovery.
I pulled up outside a bookie with my partner Saturday to go to a bank. People come out with smiles on there faces with there mug bets. I was drawn in for a few minutes.and it brought back memory's of poor runs on the fobt.
I am thinking of getting back to ga shortly. There is a meeting tonight but I have to change my plans so it might be the case of sorting out my weekly routines and going next Monday it will happen and will be part of me stopping.
At work now. Going to get home get the dog taken out. Been a c**P day. Poor motivation sick of people ringing on the phone but soon it will be over. Role on Friday!
Hi Lord Lucan (like the name lol).
Well done on getting past those first 2 weeks, you are coming through very determined and positive, the addiction will hate that.
Stay focused and strong and keep going taking one day at a time.
Suzanne xx
Day 17
Thanks Suzanne! The username was carefully picked! 🙂 thanks for the post I will be doubling the tally in another 2 weeks time for sure!
It's been quite a hard start to the new week. Felt abit low yesterday this being a time in the past when I gambled. this was one of my triggers to hide in the bookies for 30 minutes of madness. I would normally rush my gambling time at the end so I could get away in telling my partner where I was and hide where I had been.
the shorter the gambling times I had the most worst desicions were made staking awful amounts on nothing bets not thinking correctly.
I managed to avoid betting this time but I just struggled through. I need to look at trying to keep busy during these luls and stay positive.
I always think when I gamble the money I win during that setting can pay for something quicker or get me to the next level of my life faster. Unfortunately this never happens as if I do win on the odd occasion I will go back and loose the money won and more, causing destruction to my mental health.
I am very very fortunate to never have gambled with money I don't have. I am extremely lucky to have no debt and always pay my bills. However whatever spare cash left I would loose and any savings I create disappear. I would survive on noting for weeks until payday arrived.i could not live in life. It isolated me to having a poor social life 0 motivation. It brought me into a dark life with a split personality.massive highs with the odd win. Awful lows losing to the bookie. I was a poor man. This life has made me loose jobs loose passions and identity. This will change moving forward.
Another day free from the bookie.
We cannot win because cannot stop! Well done fighting through them today 🙂 I had terrible urges @ this stage (day 18 to be precise) but I found beating them made me realise that they are just thoughts!
GT has a thread on Tips for keeping busy that you may find useful!
You will see the light again, just keep moving forwards - ODAAT
Days 18 and 19.
ODAAT! I survived days 18 and 19!
It's been a crazy week at work. Tonight of all nights I worked late due to commitments. Normally I would weep at the bookies after my shift due to the daily stresses but never gave it a thought.
Friday is approaching. I have been living on a shoe string this month however even on £50 a week I am noticing I have spare cash! I am going to get some currency changed for the holiday Saturday only a small amount but I would never be able to do this one month ago! It would be gone on a bookie. The savings I transferred at the start of payday would be 0. I have my savings pot started again! I have paid some of the holiday off and all bills paid.
The beautiful other half bought me fish and chips this evening. Need to repay her back with a treat.
Bank holiday weekend this weekend so a nice long break with Monday as an extra!
Happy holidays to everyone who gets it and enjoy your weekends free.
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