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Hi Sandra

I'm hoping today's better. Enjoy your run and your day off- write and offload as much as you need, its your diary!

Take care

Irene

x

Thank you Phil and Irene, i do have better day than yesterday:) ( hope it lasts lol)

Hello diary,

As my day fast progresses, thinking still close by my side....at least mum still hanging on and sounds better, i ring two times a day now.....

Anyway, had a very long run today, at one point felt like Bolt running the distance for medal, so good to let the steam out...not too pleased with my legs, because muscles start building up and it don't look too good with my skinny ankles....lol

Long seen friend rang....and she goes, " i've got an idea for your birthday next year...shall we go to Las Vegas, because there is gonna be the same festival there we just went last weekend?..." .....Hmm, maybe not...Quite few reasons for that:

1st - A grand for ticket ( which i haven't got)

2nd - Las Vegas?- i don't think i could go nowhere near gambling resorts.....i'm in recovery..

3rd - too long flight ( i don't like flights)

So to sum it up, she don't know me that well and i'm better off keeping low profile, working hard, saving money, and staying on this road..that's all i want, just to get better...

Sister came round...Oh dear, can she go on and on about the same thing?..." how could you, what was on your mind? Spending everything..." - i aint got the answer for that really, it's disease and i'm an addict.....I'm putting it all together, just patience and more believe.

Anyway after all, not too bad day, except from e-mail : " Sandra where have you been? Would a bonus tempt you back?" -Hmmmm....NO THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Hate those e-mails)

That's it for now...still day 67, i love putting my thoughts down, it helps me the same as running, and i can get through a bit easier...

Thanx diary... and GamCare...and all the people:)

Take care all

Sandra xx

Hey Sandra

really glad to read that yesterday was beginning to feel more positive for you. A 'rainbow'' day in the middle of some 'dark cloud' ones! Hey- you can do it, you've done so well so far- keep going friend.

Stuxx

Hey Sandra,

thanks for you message on my diary!! well done for another day or so, sounds as if you have had a busy time of it one way or another. I can imagine your sister getting on your nerves a little, am sure she really cares for you, just a shame she doesn't quite understand what you have been through, well we all have and will continue to support you!!

take care and have a great weekend

Phil

Thanx Stu, Phil,

Well, day 68. Looks very nice and sunny outside,...of course will be when i'm due back to work lol 🙂

Anyway feel ok, better hold on to this feeling before my mood changes at work.

Today i wont gamble!

Take care guys

Sandra x

.... sorry had to edit the post, my problems is not going to help any other person in this recovery.

There's nothing wrong with you Sandra ..you are human and that's a good thing..

You're probably just having a bad day and the weather is pretty oppressive..

I flare up and down like a gas hob but it soon passes.. We all have bad days and even of here..I guess it's just learning to deal with them which I am still working on .lol

Sandra you are not taking up the counsellors time..they are there for you and are providing a service for you..

I think everyone sometimes thinks the Pandora's box of our life is too messy to open but all we can do is let stuff out bit by bit ...

I have my own triggers and my drug is anger ...I have not dealt with mine particularly well this week as I am sat in resentment and then kaboom.!!!

Keep posting and give the counsellor a ring,..you are worth taking up their time xx

Thanx Rach...hope you have a nice weekend

Hi diary,

Another day gamble free, a little dark mood yesterday, but cloud has lifted and only have to carry on:-)

Life is not easy, never been and never will be, but it's surely unique in it's own way.

Gamble free for another day, that's what matters to me today.

Day at a time

Stay strong all and carry on

Sandra x

Hey Sandra

Im probably the best person that could have seen your post as anger does not worry me at all in myself or in others ..in fact I would say its the emotion i am most comfortable in..xx

I think it's healthy...

Some days I tick along and then some days I push it too far and get ticked off by the GC moderators ...but hey ! We are not perfect and yes I go too far for this forum some days..in real life I'm worse..ha ha ha ..I actually tone it down on here.

Keep posting Sandra...you have emotions ...you are human...you are allowed to have bad days and people like me will still be here no matter what.

R and D xx

Ps ...just saw your post that you deleted ...

It's only my opinion but try not to worry too much about helping others in recovery...I got the best use from my diary from posting how I felt ..the good,bad or ugly.

I'm like this is real life anyway and probably over open and candid ...so I appreciate that for someone who is more private it may seem scary but you can post anything about how you are feeling Sandra...at a level you are comfortable with ..

R and D xx

Thanx Rachel, but i do care about people here and wish them all the best in their journeys. So some of my comments might really affect some people in a bad way. I know it's my diary and everyone got choice to read, reply or just leave it.

I respect everyones journey, but after recent debate, my head actually got confused and i thought: ' oh why not a little bet here and there, it won't hurt'.....

All it would do ....is destroy me again, which i can't let happen. I am gambling addict - and no silly excuse will replace the true.

Best of luck for everyone who manages to live with sum "fun" on the side. Respect to you all

Straight headed Sandra xx

Hi Sandra

I agree totally with Rach- use your diary however you need to. You are the most important person in your recovery. The forums moderated so if we post anything inadvertently which is deemed to be "inappropriate", the moderators will let us know.

Only you can chose which is the "right" goal for you. For me, its abstinence and a "little bet" would hurt so much.

Keep doing what you're doing Sandra, it seems to be working 🙂

Take care

Irene

x

Hey Sandra you stayed on the path despite feeling pretty cr**....and I hope you are proud of yourself xxx

I also think I am understanding more what people call the "what the hell" moment..more on my dairy about that as don't want to hog yours..

I read something that I had avoided reading and flipped because it made me doubt whether this is the route that the ex should have gone down and maybe we could have saved it all going to s**t.

I know that is just me feeling guilty but I have spent so long in 12 step and seem " controlled "recovery and it always ended in tears....I would not consider any other way...

I don't want the ex back ,it's not that , but before I leave a situation I have usually exhausted all routes of trying other ways but the controlled way was something he wanted to do but I would not give an inch on it.

It was not so much the loss of money,...it was that he put gambling as primary over our relationship where as I put him first.It was like being with a man who was in love with someone else.

Hope that makes sense

R and D xx

Thank you ladies, your support is most appreciated...

Good morning diary....come to 70 days...not really that proud of myself, have to keep myself at bay with my moods, because felt like triping few times. A lot of thinking recently( nothing new for me lol) and just can't get this desease......hate it to the core....but keep thinking about it now and again..annoying..

The way i feel plays big part in my recovery and it falls on my moods... my past and coping with things is not the strongest part, it's hard...but it's managable.

Anyway, just for today i control myself and set few new goals.i can do it,and believe everyone else can..believe in yourself that's what it takes.

Well lovely summery weather i hav to say lol....wind and rain...can't get better in July haha

That's it for now...time to work

Take care all

Stay strong

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra.

Glad to see you are still hanging in there and not giving in to tempting urges.

Your mood will certainly change from time to time and I say just go with it, accept that it may happen and just keep doing what you are doing to prevent you from gamblung.

Take care and remain focussed on your goal.

Feb.