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Hi Sandra

Well done on the 75 days you should be very proud of yourself.

Its always good to slow down a little we race around at 500 miles an hour and quite easily miss thing or dont appreciate them.

Slow time is good, gives you time to reflect and prepare for tomorrow.

enjoy your weekend

take care

blondie x

Thank you Rachel, Nicki, Blondie....your posts are most appreciated.

Well, hello again diary. i need to get rid of some of my bad anger and emotions at the minute...maybe it's not the place but i believe there is sequence in all of this to get me to the point i am now..

So...choices...i'm thinking now, that coming over here had a huge impact in my growth and becoming a adult...I always say i have no friends, and i don't...only one best mate ( which is British )so the only people from my own country here is sister i communicate with.And it is by choice...Choice to come here at 18, get on my own a**e and survive...Personally i think i was too young to leave my parents and own country and start brand new beginning from scratch...which wasn't easy at all. And i made a lot of mistakes on a way.

I realized if don't distance myself from everyone, i will end up in a bad place...( some of my previous friends here, didn't have the best influence for me).So i chose to close down, no FB not going out..just boring life working, sleeping, working...and then...boom...internet.I start online slots by choice, it was my new comfy space and best friend 24/7. and i start closing down even from myself, nothing was interesting, i didn't need anything...

Now when i waking up from that nightmare, i look back and see the sequence....

I had two choices all along, which i will never know one of them, because i chose to live my life here.

I don't know what would of been back there if i stay over there, maybe better, maybe worst...it is what it is...

I cry here and laugh at the same time, i don't feel i'm in a s**t anymore. I am heading right direction, friends will come and go, true friends will always stay, and one is plenty for me:) As they say loneliness is treatable, and every day brings something new.

A lot of choices ahead, and it's only me who decide what i want from my life...not sure yet what, but good start is made....NO GAMBLING!

thank you diary, i needed to leave this print of how i feel today

S x

Hi Sandra, your post on my diary is much appreciated and congratulations on your 75 days of abstinence.

You are absolutely correct that I run the risk of getting involved again in uncontrolled random gambling and I have many times before but this time I feel different and that I have completed my analysis and my journey of recovery has taken me to a place where random gambling is behind me, despite my current withdrawal symptoms.

For me Day one of any recovery is the first day a compulsive gambler admits they have a problem so my Day one was February 2008, although I didn't join the Forum until 2010.

I have currently gone 5 weeks without any random gambling.

Best wishes on your continued recovery.

Thanx captain...i'm glad it works for you...just b careful( it's still gambling and risk is there)

Anyway, back to my life and it's good evening. I have a feeling it's going to be a long chat tonight with my mate, because a lot of changes happening in her work place, and she is not happy bless her...better compose myself and get ready to listen;-)

Had a fantastic run, found new route, which is a lot longer but it's amazing to get rid of all the bad feelings and anger. I didn't realise i was a bit upset today, and just feel at the speed i run...as angrier as faster... it does help and i'm glad i found this way to release my stress.

Having few glasses now, relax wait for my mate to come back and get ready to listen:-):-)

( would be different story if i was still hooked, would b locked in my room)

Fantastic, i'm not gonna do it today ....or tomorrow....or never...

But for now just step at a time!

Take care all

Sandra ( tipsy already...oh dear)

Sandra,

Thank you for your support on my dairy and well done on going 75 days free from gambling.

I don't really feel in any position to offer any advice but you are clearly doing all the right things.

Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

Thank you Tomso, i wish you all the best

Good morning diary,

Well day 76 and i woke up after bad dream. Sometimes i ask myself, will i ever have a decent nights sleep?

Anyway, not really planned my day today. Will try to do something usefull.

I will stay clear from spending a penny on gambling, i'm sure of that.

Take care all. Day at a time

Sandra x

Hey Sandra

Thank you for being there yesterday ..you kept me going when I wanted to just go and get drunk...had an ok nights sleep...still tired this morning and stressed but like you I shall be staying clear of anything harmful to me and staying on the path I work hard at... ...

My blocks in place today as defences are low.

R and D xx

Hi Sandra... I relate to the anger and running faster scenario. Thats what happens with me and I don't realise it until I suddenly collapse in a heap.

Did I read that you run every day??.. that's awesome if ya do. Can I ask what sort of distances you do or time?? I am being nosey. I tend to do my runs in terms of length of time. Last Sunday I did a 2 hour run, nothing on Monday, 1.5 hours on Tuesday, 1 hour Wednesday, 1 hour Thursday, nothing Friday (alcohol day lol).

Great stuff on the gamble free time. Your doing just fine. Regards... S.A 🙂

Sandra.

Sorry to read your having bad dreams, i hope it's your sub conscious dumping it's trash.

You are working with the gift you found, the one that truly never stops giving.

Abstinence.

From that your life will continue to improve

one day at a time.

For it well done and the support you give others.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Rachel( sorry couldn't be of more help yesterday) and S.A ( keep them trainers in use:-) ) and Duncs ( new found life is bespoke, and i'm wishingyou to get the max out of it each day) keep strong all:-)

Hello diary,

Today i feel OK bearing in mind a bit sleepless night + few glasses last night ..:-)

Cut the grass, going for a run( hope a good one) have installed a Nike app which counts distance and time so will try it out.. Later shopping, and visit round sis...( this thought winds me up already, because she is a bit pain at the minute)

Anyway, i will not gamble today, good days or bad days, why should i want to put myself low?..

Besides need money, because have 3 in 1 this month ( car tax, car insurance renewal, car mot)...dreading the bill but hoping for little miracle for mot to pass lol 🙂

After all day at a time

Enjoy the sunshine good people

And keep happy and strong!

Sandra x ( 11 weeks clear headed) fantastic! 🙂

Hi Sandra

Well done on 11 weeks :-)Sounds like life's sorting itself out for you and you're keeping busy.

Sorry to hear about the bad dreams- def not what you're needing! Hopefully, they'll pass quickly.

Anyhow, I've got that "post nightshift" fatigue today- (so PJ day for me). I'm not sure how you manage to be so physical after working nights!

Have a great weekend Sandra

Take care

Irene

x

Thank you Irene, i hope you catch up with good rest xx

Very interesting day today...it seems if i keep constantly busy, it's alright, but as soon as i sit down - urges hits me like hell...it's like i did f*** all all day and was bored...... don't know why i feel this way....just got that feeling...don't know how else to occupy myself anymore, i'm actually knackered,so hope night draws quicker and i can have some rest... i need my sleep tonight:-) i won't gamble, i know that, it's only urges....comes and goes...

I better read a book and have some tea later to calm myself down....

Don't feel too good emotionally, thought a lot today...my past, why i'm here and what next.

Messed up, but proudly working my way out. Another day tomorrow, new opportunities new life...

Day at a time, now i will just enjoy that:-)

S x

Morning diary

Day 77 and i will not gamble today.

Sandra

Hi Sandra... Yes I think when your on your own recovery presents different challenges. I use to spend so much "time" gambling that when I stopped I just didn't know what to do with myself.. bored, bored, bored.

I find the running helps cos not only do I love it but it gets me knackered so I don't feel like doing much after anyway. But like you suggest there is always room for new stuff in ones life whatever that maybe. Coming here is one of those things.

As with you, no gambling today. Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank you S.A. Have a lovely day

Dear diary,

I said this morning, i won't gamble today. That's why i'm back here posting. I wish i could get rid of those discusting urges and try to get on with my own life. If it was that easy...I'm trying to work out what was the trigger for little innocent fun to spiral out of control and destroy it all what i have achieved in my life....boredom, loneliness, greed, depression, past, lack of brain, tiredness, unhappiness, searching for better future?

It all comes down to not finding peace with myself. Simple as, i think it is hell of a lot to do with your spiritual state...Control, patience, heading on with problems, honesty - all these is what gambler haven't got.

Just an easy way out with a click of a button.

And here i am...suffering and trying to build my broken bridge back together..a brick at a day....it's not steady and i'm not sure if it ever be, i will never let anyone else to walk it ....not for a long time if ever...it is for me, and if i fall, at least i know i tried to make it safe and strong place to be. I can just see the other end, it's lovely and peaceful, no pain no regrets......will i ever get there? My hard and endless work will show, but for today just that one brick starting on my end..

I need to find peace with myself, it's the only way out. Forgive what happened in a past, hold on onto those thin strings and fight for myself. Why? I don't know, i suppose it can be better, since i'm here, just have to keep fighting ......and the only wish i had in this life "to be happier" will come true at some point...is it asking for a lot? Happiness, i suppose it's something dirty gambling money can't buy.

Thank you diary,

Back to building my bridge

Day at a time

S x