...

Hi Sis,

I must be mellowing because the "I am not a robot game" is starting to be fun. :-D. Anyway, you certainly have come a long way and I too am so grateful to have met you and others on this site. I have always maintained that keeping a diary IS sharing. One of the hardest lessons for me through this process has been to remain true to myself. We are not perfect people and we might even go a little overboard from time to time but, we put it out there. The good the bad and the ugly. Dear Diary ( and the whole world) yup. It's my gift take it or leave it. I tell you all the time and I will again. I appreciate your unconditional support girl! -joan xx

' I still want a puppy ' There cool, but in my small minded opinion ' rescue dogs are cooler..... and cleverer!! They say that dogs pick there owners not the other way round !

Off the beaten track I went.

You crossed the threshold ...... Keep at it, don't listen to the bs thoughts that ' fellowship is good but not for me, cannot get other the spiritual thing ' ! That's just old thinking..... Only my humble there .....

A question to leave you on but is the name change to ....... , similar to when Prin.ce changed his name to a symbol ?

Hi Sandra

I just posted a post meant for my diary, on yours.

Sorry to hear about recent slip. Seems to me you are making good progress. Really hope you persevere with your recovery.

Best
Louis

Hi S, thankyou very much for posting to me, its been a while and a lot of water under the bridge, its good to hear from you,.

I am in regular contact with J and she says to you , quote ,, S, i thankyou deeply for your best wishes, There is no need for any apology. i understand and the offer of a chat and a crappy coffee at mine will always be open. Take care of yourself , i wish you all the best too...

Im glad to have passed these messages between you both... take care mate, i will, and j has been looking after herself, no bother. Rainman

Thank all ☺
B & J - keep looking after yourselves and making the right choice! It does get better just stick with it.

Dear diary,

Had a lazy morning today. Not sure why felt i need to stay in the slumber for extra 3 hours but sometimes you have to listen to the body!

Had 50/50 day yesterday. Woken up before 9am as had to phone sponsor....looks like it was only for a arranging the time to meet up lol...Wasn't i furious!! haha..the thing is, i only had one eye open and Zzzzzzz was pulling me back like crazy but i knew i have to practice on my discipline so i dialled the number! First Q was if i was drunk :-/...of course not! Just talking while still trying to snap out of sleep which does make my voice a lil on the sloooooow go.

Anyway, we met, we talked, we shared and before i had to rush for work i even managed a laughter roar! Lol...seriously, very rarely i have a good laugh and it came from my heart! (Not sure what Mc D's customers thought as we both laughed like two nutters lol)
I showed my sponsor my diary. Maybe just wanted to introduce her to my other vices & most importantly i wanted her to see how my mind worked prior/during & after the nasty. Only showed last two entries of my own thoughts....where, as we all know, i had a rant about her too. She was reading and smiling! Seriously!!!..she said she felt the same about her first sponsor..who are they to tell you what to do. They're not telling really...only suggesting. You cannot tell one what to do as that would be trying to control. It has to come from the person...& that's where acceptance comes in.
After all, i am ready to listen because i see how it works! She wouldn't talk bull if didn't have 8 years of sobriety behind her...proud of her!

We talked about the past and oh dear..those behaviours we developed huh. The expectations of something bad happening...being fearful, panicky and negative, . I remember Sesuo telling me when i completed the purchase "now you will find something else to worry about!"..o*g...how true! I am kind of looking for the trouble and creating many of them myself :-/
It's strange..i kind of know all of this and knew for a long time, but i refuse to accept it...& that's why i keep going back my old ways. The self perception is a killer. I put expectations on myself where i should just let my life flow...hand it over to something higher than my own mind?...& that's a thought huh...rich to come from me but just for now i think it's the only way to go. Will update you if it changes again.

Talked about the dog too. She said i need to get myself better first. Fully know what she means and believe many of good wishers from here thinks the same just don't say. I was, again, furious! I told her i don't like what she is saying and she said she knows & it's down to me at the end of the day for such decision.
But again...how can i look after something if i can't look after myself. It's just that loneliness! I feel I'm gonna loose the plot soon...maybe do need to sign up for the gym....yeah, that would help i think. I was also told no way I'm alone, which is true..I'm not alone, i just feel lonely and don't let others in my life. I am used to be closed shell & as we all know....my own thoughts can be very destructive.

So second part of the day. Work.

Booooooooo..that didn't go down well and i was like hurricane! Very stressed because everything went wrong. Towards the end of the night i started to smile & the more issues we had the more i smiled. Lol..i must of looked like a nutter hahha...maybe i didn't have energy to stress anymore? Don't know...
I've seen ops around me which clearly knew my department is not in the best shape. Was they pittying me or was they sneering behind my back...Both! I knew that....& actually i just smiled. Not intentionally to peeee them off, but just that's how i felt lol..very light and ...just calm.
I know i will have to face it all again today. Wrote a full story on the shift report so maybe best to print it out today before i go in for the meeting on the red carpet lol.

That was my day. Was very excited to go back home and get into pit. Love my sleep since i moved in here. The lovely peaceful routine of a book, hot water bottle and calm drifting off to Zzzzz land. Can't wait for a repeat later on ☺

Take care all....appreciate what you have because it can go away in a blink of the eye...show your appreciation and love, it does matter.

JFT - S x

Hello diary,

Was looking up the sky this evening. Enjoyed fresh air, the setting of the stars, peace and harmony i felt in my heart.

I thought about my journey...all the blips, pain and dissapointment...questions and mullings about myself.

But how far have i come? How much i actually progressed? It was like a jet journey in the last two years...only now i managed to look back at everything...with one and only gratitude! I am alive!

I will never be able to say "i will never use addictions again"..i would be lying to myself as i did most of my life.

But i have today. And that is enough. I started praying and i do feel better for it. Maybe it's all in my mind but hell...it works!

I haven't got much to report to be honest...life is good today...life is really good and I'm very greatful for it!

Never stop fighting because miracles are possible...i can safely say i am experiencing them recently.

My destination has been reached...but again, it's only the foundation i have set down. Life shall start now when i open my mind to the world and continue on this path of recovery.

Me....myself, I & Bella 😉 (my new lovely dog!!!!!!!! YAY......God bless xx)

JFT - S x

Have a lovely addiction free Sunday Sandra (& Bella:))

Cathyx

Hi diary, long time no speak!

My routine is completely broken and instead of moaning about boredom/ loneliness, i need some rest haha..seriously....

Come to crossroads with meetings. Unfortunately i physically cannot do 3 a week... i probably could, but i guess i choose to keep company to this little one instead of dragging her in a car for an hour drive (one way) and leaving her there for another hour...i know my sponsor not gonna be happy and once again i will "disobey" her but one meeting a week will have to do..at least until she settles down a lil.
That's that, recovery has to come first as we all know...but at the minute it's impossible to share the time for me.

Sooooo...had a situation today. Left vets and walked into the street finding a girl having a epilepsy fit. Shaking, half body on the street, half on tbe footpath... I panicked 🙁
My training knowledge completely gone out of my head and i forgot what to do in such situations! B freaked out as i guess she thought the lady is drunk and kicking off on the floor so while i was trying to hold her on her lead, i tried to communicate with the lady or at least make sure she lays on the side in case vomits. I was scared dear diary. I didn't know what to do. I walked in the street and started to wave cars down. Thank god two drivers stopped to assist. We phoned ambulance and while on the phone, the girl did come round and calmed down. I didn't hang around as Bels was probably making more noise and stressing poor girl out so i walked away..she was left in good hands of good samaritans while awaiting for an ambulance.

Man..it has shook me up big deal. Life is so fragile 🙁

I do need discipline, esp with my crazy driving. I know...i know i do wrong rushing around after work but i have responsibilities now. Speed won't make difference huh..one minute there or here. I was doing around 100mph last night and had a thought that i rather be late than never. I am responsible driver and need to calm down tbh. Not putting others at risk as A1 is quite empty at midnight.

God knows what i am blabbing on here lol..just dumping i guess.

B is my world. She really is. It's only been few days since i have her...but we have a bond already. I remember saying i would die for a friend..lol..i would die for a dog now! & a friend lol...doesn't matter...i still put other's first! (Learning slowly over here 😉 )

Nothing really matters, but my peace of mind. Still trying to find that balance and obviously new routine comes in the way for the meetings but i shall make my choice here.

I was told last Sunday. Step 1...you're not fully there yet. You admit you're powerless over addiction, but but you don't admit that your life become unmanageable. That's right, i think it's my issue as my life was still manageable while active. The only thing why i am accepting help and program is a glance at the future. I know addictions escalate....& i know where they would take me.

Getting reins in my hands on time? I may be the youngest in the group, but i have a lifetime of story behind me..what addictions has done to my mind...it's difficult to repair for sure.

I will survive and i will work the program. What is the alternative?
Yup..we know the answer to that.

Enough Blah blah...Walkie time ☺

Take care all & thanks diary for opportunity to download!

JFT - S x

Well...as predicted massive row with a sponsor. The way she spoke to me is absolutely unacceptable even for po*tty mouth as me. Had to end the call saying i will get bk to her before all god swearr y Sandra showed up.

f**k it. If she thinks I'm not committed enough... it's her business not mine. Yes recovery comes first..I'm not even one foot in that stuff yet so rather wait till i degrade before committing to 5 meetings a week

Peed me off tbh. Give me a bottle.. lol...& not a milk one!

I can find solution or i can find excuse. She thinks I'm making excuses...maybe i am or maybe I'm putting my family members first! When i learn to be selfish enough to put myself first may e that's then i can walk into the rooms again.

Not ready...one meeting a week is not enough...f**k it..none of them will be present now...& no sponsor.

Rant over..i did my best this last final time but i rather choose life on my bloody terms.

Hi S, don't think I have commented on your diary before, but talk of a 4 legged friend....well just had to. I have two dogs, youngest is 9 months. She came into season last week so couldn't have normal cuddles cos of mess. Saturday I felt so low, went out and bought Pampers, cut a hole in them for her tail, and now she is free to wander round the house again and jump on my knee....we are both so much happier. Enjoy your friend...mine lift my mood so much.

I'm confused...Why does having a dog mean you can't get to your normal meetings? Are you saying you have to be with her 24/7 if you're not working? That won't take away the guilt of leaving her to work! I have to agree with your sponsor...Quit if you're not ready but don't put the blame elsewhere. If I was her, I'd be pretty miffed too...She told you this was a bad idea & you have followed it up with proof that she was right. She's only looking out for you. I'm not your sponsor though, I'm your friend & as a friend I say, don't bite off your nose to spite your face...If you think 1 meeting a week is enough, go to it.

We can always find a reason not to work our recovery but without it, we're not the people we can be. Time to stop running away & @ least take the bits you do need if you think you can do it your way.

Another reminder why i shouldn't be posting my mind out.

Thanks for the kind words Rhoda...she is amazing in every single way and way better than any human being! (No criticism to human race intended).

Peace out dear diary...you fulfilled your purpose in my journey.

Sandra - raging alci & gambler in true life colours!..but...JFT in recovery ☺

...... wrote: Well...as predicted massive row with a sponsor. The way she spoke to me is absolutely unacceptable even for po*tty mouth as me. Had to end the call saying i will get bk to her before all god swearr y Sandra showed up.

f**k it. If she thinks I'm not committed enough... it's her business not mine. Yes recovery comes first..I'm not even one foot in that stuff yet so rather wait till i degrade before committing to 5 meetings a week

Peed me off tbh. Give me a bottle.. lol...& not a milk one!

I can find solution or i can find excuse. She thinks I'm making excuses...maybe i am or maybe I'm putting my family members first! When i learn to be selfish enough to put myself first may e that's then i can walk into the rooms again.

Not ready...one meeting a week is not enough...f**k it..none of them will be present now...& no sponsor.

Rant over..i did my best this last final time but i rather choose life on my bloody terms.

Agreed with Odaat there ...... in 3274

And not sure I'm gonna articulate this point very well or whether it will be well received ? Which really doesn't matter as its well intended.

How do you want your sponsor to speak to you ? Is she / he is telling you things the way it is for there benefit ? Or do they get it ?

I'm asking them questions through experience. Not via a sponsor per se, but from someone who can cut through the b,s of addiction b.s. talk. Someone who I had more rows bordering on nastiness with in anyone in my life time...... And guess what ? You know the person also.

I'm not sure whether that made sense but it is well intended.

It won't be the first time that I've been a hipocrite on this forum, so here I will go again. You've been to more meetings in a week than I've been in the last 7 years, so if you feel 3 meetings a week is too much, well commit to one. You've been around long enough that you can only do it for yourself and breaking through isn't gonna be easy! ' Nothing in life worth having comes easy '.... so they say and no coincidence these old sayings hang around for an age....

Hey you. Listen, without meaning to be unkind, you knew this was coming. You knew before you bought the dog, but you went and bought it anyway. And now it's an excuse not to go to meetings. Please reread your post #3268. It made a lot of sense and it seems to be the perfect answer to yourself right now. Your sponsor is looking out for you. She's got your back, and part of that is pointing out things you might not want to hear. You're doing so well S. Don't let this be another toy throwing that you'll regret xx

Thanks all ☺

Hello diary...fools day huh 😉

I am moving on from this place but wanted to update my journey so far.

Hey...!!! I am a gambler and have a alcohol problem. Been used, abused, neglected and so on in my life.
Also....been loved, cared for, looked after and accepted for what i am.

The thing is - i am not perfect. Never was or will be.

May come as a shock to some but i like myself! d**n me..i do! Maybe i finally realised that i don't need verification from others?..it's a step forward either way.

I have my own place. I'm alive. I am helpful and quite (if i say so myself) funny at work. I feel at peace. I do my prayers night/morning...i try to do good things to me and others around me.
I have a awesome companion now. Doesn't matter that i am covering 20miles a day..(exercise never hurt 😉 ). I finally found someone who can give the compassion/ loyalty and care back. That was my aim in my life. If i was to die tom - i would die happy! How crazy that sounds huh!

AA stuff...hmmm..maybe not going there as we all expressed our thoughts on that one huh..let it stay this way.

GA on the other hand is on the cards! Thumbs up for sure. I simply cannot give up all addictions at once...so i had to choose to tackle the most expensive one ☺..i shall do my best here.

Diary. I met so many people on these pages. I shared my life on here. No way I'm taking you off! I am GREATFUL for everything.

I remember posting the options...
.....i guess i picked the right way..thank you God for making my life the way it is & for every soul passing by in my journey. I wouldn't change it for anything else!

Shall i just end with a thought of my group members..read it this morning but didn't see the meaning..i do now ☺...better later than never!

"Today's thought from the Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation is:

Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.
--W. H. Auden

Many of us have said, "I can't help myself!" when we tried to stop our constant thinking about other people or their behavior. "I know it's not good for me, but what can I do when they keep acting that way?"

Let us think of ourselves as living in a house with many windows. At each window is a different view, and within each view are many things to catch our attention -- perhaps there are some people, some traffic, some buildings, a horizon, and some trees. If we always go to the same window and focus on the same object, we are not using all our choices. We may have overlooked some things in our lives that need attention. There are many things we are totally powerless over. Our power exists in changing the focus of our attention.

Today, I will notice where I am choosing to pay attention. I pray for guidance in being aware of my options."

Keep paying attention to the things what matter guys...live & let live. Anything is possible so please please never stop DREAMING & BELIEVING!

Thank you all

Sandra xx