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Hi tazman 

Thanks for the input and I agree, this affects us not only financially but also mentally..and very much so. It is haunting to live in fear of a possible relapse and be out of control. And that's why I keep saying,  the more blocks the better. To keep safe we must put measures in to keep us safe. 

I am a lot calmer now. In one week's time it's gonna a month since I started and stopped this nonsense again. Thousands gone in space of a week. Devastating but I shall not dwell. It was my bad choices, it's the addiction and we all know how strong grip it has on us. My silly excuses not to put blocks initially cost me more money and sleepless nights but now i have done it - I'm like different person. It's so liberating to have that peace of mind again...control in our hands and clear mind. 

I know it all can go away very quickly but I feel safe enough since protecting myself with blocks. Difference like day and night!

Wish you peace and continued strength. You're doing so well , keep safe and well x

Hi SB

Good to hear you are doing so well in staying gamble free, and a privilege to be walking down the road to recovery at the same time as you.

We got this 💪 

Thank you Roxy 😊 

Another week has flown by and so many pennies saved. Blocks continue to protect me and my sanity. I still think how much I would of had if didn't make that vital mistake almost a month ago. It's difficult not to think about losses but I think it's super important of letting them go. 

As long as I keep making the right choice and putting as much protection as possible, I will be absolutely fine. Just more kindness and forgiveness is all what needed to this soul at the minute.

Stay safe all xx

Hi diary, 

Long time no speak. Absence is not because I'm at my old antics.. life taken over..work, my project...which is now complete 😊..stress re family and my baby girl..but all in hand..love outweighs the struggles. 

Am I struggling a bit..yes I am..mainly emotionally but there are no escape routes because I'm facing everything head on. And that is life..no coward way out to slots..

I'm.still so thankful for blocks. Hand on heart, couldn't do this without them

Keep safe all, life is for living..we can overcome any obstacle presented. We can do it without  harsh consequences gambling brings.

Xx

Hi diary,

Long time no speak. All is good with no gambling and I'm keeping my resolve and lessons learned. Not so great health wise but think with age I shouldn't expect miracles & aches and pains in this body is natural..lol

..I'm only 39 😂

Hope everyone is staying safe in this weather and looking after themselves. 

Till later diary.. x

Hi diary,

Firstly Merry Xmas all and Happy upcoming NY. I really wish everyone peace of mind and new path ahead. We are in control of changes.

Soo, it's been a tough one my end. No gambling as I blocks really are keeping me sane. Other issues present tho as it happens in life.

Worked throughout festive season and big day itself and it wasn't the greatest of days. Emotional let's say. Then,  boxing day my lil girl went poorly so all day spent at emergency vets with hefty bill to pay. Makes me think how everything is NOT about money at the end of the day. 

Family, loved ones ..matters the most.

To be honest I don't think I recovered from last year's break up. In fact, I am isolating again. I did try, don't get me wrong. I went away and put that smile on when needed but deep down I hurt..and now, past tow months I just gave up pretending. One of my mates clocked it actually and we had this discussion last night. I'm just once again not interested in life..dress up show up..I do that for work but that ends there. 

It's a lonely world. Truly is...and now ..my lil one is poorly I am not even sure of a timescale we have. It's heartbreaking to see her all dosed up on meds. I can't keep her on meds nor I can see her in pain..so...some decisions awaits hey..can't think of it..even clearing her room upstairs (no stairs allowed)  made me feel so sad and vulnerable. It's like what I (& she new) for the past 8 years..is no longer there, no longer in use. Upstairs is no use to me at all now apart bathroom..we are staying on ground floor. My body aches and I don't get much sleep but I cannot leave her here alone..she never been apart from me when I'm at home or in bed. 

New year..well..new year..I don't know what they will bring. I can wish for all I like (and we all know it's health for my baby girl) but I also have to be realistic here.

People say I gave her a fantastic life and love...all I can say, - she gave me this in return tenfold.  How on earth will I cope? Just how? 😔..I have no tears to spare anymore..I'm tired, in pain, emotional, isolated and feeling lost. You definitely have to approaches all the good moments whilst they last..and that's what I have taken out of past few years. ..enjoy the moment.

Sorry for a low post. I know things tend to work themselves out..its just not easy..it gets worse before it gets better.

Stay safe all, blessings for new year and new begging or...simply finding yourself again. Staying where you belong, amongst the ones you feel yourself with,  finding love and peace around you..new goals and hope.

S&B xx

Hi diary..

Me again. A bit sleepless night and guess we all know why that could be. Bad dream, oh I so wish! It's reality this time.

I knew and felt urge coming.  The thought crossed my mind for a few days now. Determination for sabotage grew constantly,  to the point where I went on and purchased new tablet so I can access gambling.  Madness isn't it!? The lengths we go ...its sad.

So I knew the inevitable coming. Friday I desperately tried to access sites but wasn't successful...was mad with myself that i cannot gamble...but you know urge...constantly niggling at you. So last night I managed to access some dodgy site..I didn't gamble for winning..oh no...its just for escape. I deposited and off I went. I remember people reaching out..just for chats and normal day stuff as its daily occurrence..to catch up and communicate..that didn't interest me at all. I was in my own lil bubble.. just not present...tunnel vision..

And so this morning we are where we are. I installed gamban on this. Same circle we go.

How I'm feeling? Ashamed and deflated. Let myself down. Usual feeling of despair and guilt. Wanting to punish myself. 

Relapses happens. Yes..I knew and felt mine coming. Strong urge for three days. I made plans to access gambling.  It's one of those where I go till I succeed. 

Triggers? Yes, I'm aware of them too. . Cannot talk about confidential stuff on open forum but yes, I'm.very aware of the trigger this time. 

It is what it is. I dust myself down and stand back up again. Life is better without added stress of gambling to it, we all know that. I shall try again, I know I can be a better person. I'm somewhat safer knowing I placed blocks on devices..until I purchase a new one lol...laugh through tears..truly is.

Take care all..

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Well, been a while. First and foremost im clean and in a good place! However very well aware of that monkey on my shoulder.

What helped me the most is installing blocking software on my devices. Its a absolute must to help you tackle this destroying disease. 

Secondly, I show myself more love, attention and care. Within past year I thrown myself into that and sorting the house out which can also be costly...but money so much better spent! I call this place home now. Its loving and cosy and I love to share it with my little one.

I joined this forum in 2013..that is quite a long time ago. Doesn't time fly by? Don't we change as well as life around us accordingly? Its been quite a journey. ..learning, healing, achieving,  celebrating..

My heart is almost whole again since the break up. I know its been 2 years and we dont get better immediately yet I didn't expect it to take this long but we all move on by our own pace. I think accepting it all fully is required in order to move on.  I feel light and my heart feels full. Its nice feeling. Sadness can be heavy. 

I turned 40 few months ago and it actually felt like I entered some sort of new beginnings. I am not afraid of being older, I just think it opened up new mindset and goals for me. Which is all positive. 

I travelled a lot this year, lovely places and experiences accomplished.  I am not stopping just yet lol..there is loads to see! Maybe one day I can share those experiences with a loved one but im also at the stage where im whole by myself. This is good feeling also. Don't look and you will find hey 😊

What else i can add in this entry. Maybe - never stop believing in yourself. There is always sun after the rain. We have one life and must make the full potential of it. There will always be good and bad in the world, but its down to us how we deal with situations and how much we let bad affect us. More self love and care shines different light on situations (cannot say this enough!)

Stay safe all, all the best for your journeys. One day at a time x

This post made me smile. Thanks for sharing. It's crazy the difference not gambling can make to our life, and it's in these happy times we wonder why we ever did.....until the urge gets you. Glad to see you learned from last time and have more blocks in place. I recently lapsed and like you in your previous post I knew it was coming. It built up. I felt out of control for a few days. Luckily, not much damage done, but still, why risk all the happiness I had now discovered for a few spins. I'm now fully locked down and back to enjoying life like you. 

Thanks again for the happy post. Nice to see some happiness in amongst the sad stories.

Stay strong 👍 

Good afternoon dear diary.

Happy New Year to all and hope your journeys are peaceful and bringing you peace of mind and sense of achievement...as we all know, one day at a time is the only approach with us.

Also Happy New Year to wonderful GC team! Never forgotten and thank you for your commitment to help us when we need listening ear the kost.

So diary...not much changed since last entry...BTW, thanks @Weirdfish..im glad it made you smile..what not to smile about really hey 😊

Life is ticking along on its terms and challenges it throws. Currently a bit of heartache due to recent separation from my partner but...just gotta look ahead and continue rebuilding my life. There is no perfection, life is still full of ups and downs but the decisions we make during those times is what counts the most...more stress or less of that? I choose less 🤣...

Still got my sidekick here and cannot thank the universe enough for such a gift! She is slowing down now ...but thats not an obstacle for us and our ever growing love. 

Not much more to say...just thinking of all the troops and hoping you have a lot more love for life (albeit not perfect) than giving your hard earned as well as mental health to this nasty addiction. 

Take care, you all matter..every single one of you.

Peace out ✌️

S&B xx

Dear SB28,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

It has been a privilege to see your commitment to your recovery journey within our Forum. Wishing you a Happy New Year too.

Here’s to a 2026 with progress, hope and compassion.

Best Wishes,
Louise

Forum Admin

Awee, thank you Louise, truly appreciate your kind words 😊

Diary,..im back second time this month. I wonder why 🤔. Maybe because January is usually doom and gloom..maybe. or maybe course im sulking as I've been poorly last 5 days..not if im counting but jeezz, what sort of virus is this i have no idea. Floored me.

I actually spoke about my gambling to my partner the other day. Weirdly and surprisingly for me, I talked about blocks and security I have in place to protect myself...as some sort of achievement. Feeling proud of myself? I dont know, felt strange. However she fully underwood me and actually said she is proud of me for accepting that I am an addict and doing everything in my power to stay protected. It felt nice. It is not a dirty secret anymore. I used to be very closed up even mentioning that however now see the importance of taking responsibility for myself and my recovery as nobody else will. 

I looked at my first entry on here....2013 😳...my taste in music didnt change in 13 years i see 🤣😂..still raving in my 40's! Anyway..umm, back then it was super dark time. ..which escalated to hell throughout my journey. I've been a child throwing toys outta pram more than I should of and every relapse was something I had to put blame on.. let it be work, past, boredom,  my feelings being hurt...blah blah..every excuse under the sun. It is important to acknowledge the triggers, absolutely but its equally important to accept responsibility...which i truly lacked.

Actually just now occurred to me that I used another excuse just now...feeling poorly..did I think about gambling? Umm..hand on heart, not really because I know that triangle is broken - time/location/money. 

Well, in all honesty above is not right. I have time and I could get myself to establishment and I could withdraw money but...- I CANT BE AR***D.. Simple. Most importantly I truly wouldn't want to deal with the aftermath.  Thats hell itself. Self destruction is not attracting me anymore.

So why im here once again?..oh yeah, sulking about feeling poorly lol. No energy to go to the gym or occupy myself with something more useful.  You know what diary, I shall put my earphones on and listen to some bangers to brighten up the blues. And save those pennies right 😊...save them for a lovely date next week as these things are more important than wasting money on hurting myself and my bank balance.

Thats all, clarity continues 🙌🫶

Hi diary...

Sat here contemplating my life and past. Can be dangerous place but im calm. 

I just thought...I have so much money in my account (hard work and right choices) & I truly font know what to do with it? Like??? Should enjoy life hey...I should but im at a loss..its like suddenly I lost ability to spend wisely or treat myself. I treated others...yes I did..my nephew's 21 st is gonna see celebration coming but for me...like.. what now? What now i saved so hard ..why i dont have something to want od work for? 

I don't know what's up with me.

Guess message is money is not everything if you just don't feel life yourself or are happy. Ummm. Yeah.it never was about money. 

S&B xx

https://open.spotify.com/track/7C9Bcp8XgBqdetAyvp5Vms?si=_Z5GlaZrRde49ZDhm-h7Fg

Hi SB

How are you doing now ? I've read quite a few pages of your posts and it's been an amazing journey so thank you for this mark you have left on the site and the wise words in you describing that journey.

Hi Stuart, 

Many thanks for your post 😊 i dont come on here often but its always nice to read positive response and kind words. Hope your journey is ticking along one day at a time, steady and with no dramas of nasty gambling. Keep up good work!.

Diary,

Another month another paycheck another self care routine another work duty completed. Sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle but isn't it life for most of us? I sometimes look at those influencers or people i follow on socials and their never ending life experience visiting places and having time of their lives. I often ask where do they get money for it 🤣😂..am I the only one slave for work ? Haha...oh well, it is what it is. I can only make my best out of the life i lead. Very overdue a holiday but need to get my priorities right...house...etc..I could join circus at this rate as juggling bills and expenses became another hobby of mine lol...adulthood s***ks!

On the other hand - no nasty slots! So overall im doing good right.. indeed..I am doing very good and headspace is where it needs to be. Focusing on life, wellbeing, job, (hopefully love one day)...so all is good.

Hope all of you achieving your goals, one day at a time! Stay strong all, choose you and your happiness & peace of mind  😊

S&B xx