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Hi Sandra

It sounds like you have chosen GA for now. Can I make a suggestion? Please STICK with it... good/bad, agree/disagree, people you like/others not so much. It is like life... learning to roll with it instead of always trying to find a way out. It works if you work it!

Keep listening to yourself and keep telling your addictions to **** off.

Love to you

Cathyx

Hello ......

That's a good post from you above, it appears that the fog has cleared a little from the other day. With your new little companion it's also more reason why you need to continue with some form of external help. After all, you need to look after you first and then looking after others such as pup, filters down naturally.

Amom above is spot on, keep pushing and working it.....

Thanks Catchy & V ☺

V...she is not a pup lol..little destroyer is nearly 4yrs old ;-))))) but as they say - they're just never growing up kids!

Dear diary,

Just a lil update. Life is spinning 100mph and i fell into a little routine. Home/work/outdoor & repeat.

Have my days (no surprise) but taking it easy as life is as complicated as we make it to be. I have more calm recently and i shall take it!

Back into the music which lifts me up like no tommorow. (Maybe a new high lol).
Very active during the day so sleeps is not an issue. (Not talking about comfortable Zzzzz...but sleep is sleep lol).

Didn't attend any meetings yet. Maybe taking time out from the steps and so on but do indeed carrying on with my prayers. Hope they're reaching every single one of you too ☺

Mother nature dishing out some good weather recently so i definitely take the rays on this skin with both hands.
Summer round the corner and so all the festivals will start soon too..whoop whoop i can't wait!

Life is ok for today. I have roof over my head and food on the table (note to self - stuff some in these chops too!). Few projects in the house on the way also but everything in its own time.

Parents are well so another blessing. Even if lil boy is a lil poorly, i hope he gets bk to his old self pretty soon.

Yup V..i guess the cloud has lifted for now...i shall take it too.

Peace out all & God bless.

Stay safe because there is way more to life than self destruction - JFT

Ps. Blondie (iwished) sending all her love to the forum ☺

She is doing great and enjoying her life to the full.

Xx

So diary,

This may come a lil heavy on you but i guess all the emotions i have gotta go somewhere.

Today i hurt. Not from relapses or stuff...just hurt for making wrong choices in life...with people close to me.

I have been passive aggressive on here. Talked a lot in circles..bit, slagged others off, blamed ect.

During my rant last week i even caught DAAT in the mix saying that other's making me turn to addiction. How wrong is that! It's me reacting to situations (i usually put myself in) and not him/her or rainy day. My actions are my own decision and here i have the consequences. Not sure i will ever get it into this skull..i am aware and understand it but ....it doesn't take long before i go bk old ways.

I think i am a toxic person. Way too many personalities to handle for anyone. I am good with words..man i can talk some S***e but hardly put actions in place huh.

I have had some good friendships from this site. Surprise surprise they all collapsed. Why? Because i refuse to have someone who genuinely care for me. I don't accept the reality. I look for crac'ks and fill them in with my bull***. Always have.

Not many people knows me deep down. Who does, have already walked away. Can't blame them...i pushed them away by my words/actions/mindset/pressure.

Julie was a good friend. Remember sobbing my eyes out after last conversation on the phone. That hurt big deal....but time has passed, new people came into my life and i moved on.

Great friends like Shiny and Rach was there for me helping me to get over that precise chapter of my life.

And then came along Kelly. How mad i was at Twinks for leaving her friend "hanging"..i judged not knowing the reasons..my bad again. I told Kelly i won't be like that and she will always have my support...which she did...up until my nasty side started to come out. Push, blame, bite, judge, excessive need of attention...

The lady is stronger than steel..she always took me back for me to hurt her again & again & again. Many of you know Kels on here and we know how great she is. I can only second that DAAT said yesterday. She is amazing so please hold her close by who had an opportunity to know her. I for one, f****d it up but she was/is absolutely amazing soul. My sister...yes...she was my sister at heart and two years in her company seriously dragged me from the gutter and i made many changes in my life. For the better of course.

Money can't buy you what another human being can offer. Fact.
I have a house, dog and few pennies in an acc...yet...I'm lost, disturbed and hurting.

Don't like emotions to be honest. It breaks my wall of "bravado"..they make me crash into the heap of tears and accept the reality.

What am i running from? Why can't i be a better person?

Rooms has helped me. I understood a lot about myself. The power of people sharing is the power of life. There is no other way to describe it...same with life...being a lone wolf is never the best idea. We need someone by our side. If you connect with person spiritually - it's bonus!

Is it self pitty post? Maybe..i don't really know. Just had to get this out somewhere.

I crashed emotionally but i know this shall pass...it always does.

Appreciate what you have around you dear soldiers because you never know when those souls are not gonna be there next time you open your eyes.

No addictions to report....& as we all know they're just the symptoms to true life.

It's way more out there, go & get it dear friends. Life is for living.
We may come to the crossroads and tough challenging times...& that's the time when we truly need to look at ourselves & "make it or break it"...there is no other way around it.

JFT.

I'm not gone Sesuo. Battered & bruised maybe but recovery has allowed me to understand addiction a little better & sometimes all an addict has to offer is themselves, standing back up & trying again. I have never asked for more than you from you!

Fighting pads intact...Bring it on - ODAAT

So very true there from ODAAT, ' all an addict has to offer is themselves '

Your post doesn't come across as self pity and even if it did, who gives a f**k ?

A process is never easy, it's all about finding the right sequence, I know this because it's my job and what im good at. Recovery hasn't proved a forte for me, but I try/ I learn and understand the process more than I give myself credit for. And this I believe is the extreme up and down process your going through.

The people you mentioned above, also have to be very wary with regards to there own recovery, so, I believe there not going anywhere but willing you on in your recovery but also wary about the S****e there going through and also safe keeping there own recovery.

I understand a lot in the process in losing my limb and can see the suffering and the stage fellow amputees are at when there going through the journey to acceptance. Yet, I say f.A, as with any recovery you have to do it yourself, albeit with gentle nudgings of people in the know.

Keep on, your getting there. ' No pain, No gain ' so they say...

A post as I look out of the train window ..

Thanks Sesuo & V,

V on a train huh....i loved Girl on a train book & now you just reminded me of that ☺..hope views are lovely this bright evening.
I like that saying also V ☺ understanding the addict is some task but the person addict themselves...will...a lot quicker and in depth.

I honestly forget we are all addicts. I don't know why but even with the reminders i just push the idea away...lol..is it me being self centred again?
The thing is...addiction is just a wrong choice in life. There is a person behind it & what a beauty it is to see the person recovering and changing. I think it's the best gift ever!...
Reminded me of dogs. I have staffie (choice by my own character lol) & the breed is labelled as aggressive one. Once upon a time i was scared of them also...was it cause of the view of society? ..maybe.. i was proven wrong with this one ☺..she is amazing/ soft/loving! & the clue is not in the breed but people who are owning/ training dogs.
Maybe makes some sense with human beings too...from the birth to adulthood. We learn & pick up behaviours, we see what's going on around us and that's what we know...& sometimes what we know is very wrong way to be...& we need to learn to change the behaviours...which is a lifetime cycle.

Selfish in addiction, selfish in recovery. Very true words too because if we don't start sorting our core self out, there will be no changes and the same cycle will continue.

Me same as you V,..i have more understanding about myself now than 4 years ago.. i am greatful for the knowledge even if i still simetimes ignore the facts in this time and go back out to the 'danger' zone. Progress not perfection - never giving up. I believe the penny will drop eventually, i am on the right track.

Feeling cr ap today. Probably caught a bug or something. Even creamy cakes at work doesnt look inviting & that's definitely not me lol :-/
Only managed 10miles of walkies today also but hopefully will feel better tommorow ☺

Thank you both again for the comments. I need to start supporting others on here..i know from the first hand how important and reassuring it is.

Work becons..stay safe all

Random Alert......

My big bro walks the thin blue line, ie a copper. We are very chalk and cheese, but in the last 3 years he rescued an abused staffie, who albeit is a bit dopey but a wonderful temperament and adopted an adorable smiling assassin baby. The staffie now has bags under her eyes as she looks out for my adorable niece.

Have a good un at work

Random happiness alert....

o*g!!! I just booked holiday to Cornwall !!!!!! ☺...

Thank you dear God & everyone on this earth for this opportunity to treat myself and my loved ones @ the most amazing corner of the UK.. it's another miracle i am so greatful for!

Well happy....well chuffed....Can't wait!

JFT - ....anything is possible just set your hearts to it...tipu tapu.

Evening diary,

Only recently realised that today was big day with horse racing? Don't wanna be mistaken but was it GrandNational?.. If not Rach posting reminder of the deaths of horses during these races over the years...i wouldn't of known it 🙁

It's sad. I have always been against animals cruelty. What kind of sport is that to make someone suffer? What sort of entertainment people get then? Seing poor horse being whipped on his chops so they run the speed of light?

Bahhh...i am getting wound up here.
People might as well start playing Russian roulette if they think the "drill" is harmless.

Money cost someone their life. In the long run or short one :-(...same with addiction me thinks huh..

My piece of mind. Moving on from the subject.

Had a great day!!! Absolutely AMAZING! Sun, lil girl, communication with other people, shopping, eating, cleaning, chilling...the peace...just something within me i strongly noticed today! It's amazing to feel calm!

What more could i ask for? It was brilliant day & you know what - tommorow can be the same and better! Only if i have the right mindset for it ☺

Simples.

No gambling to report.

Goodnight all & stay safe!

S x

Worth a read

http://educateinspirechange.org/spirituality/ever-deja-vu-means/

May be more connected to the way we act than we think!

Hi diary!

What a lovely weekend just been. Sunny and warm...plenty of time to relax and get this head together...lovely day yesterday with sister.

I however don't feel too healthy recently :-/. Hopefully this will pass & i honestly need to hope my lil legs will hold me up at work tonight as all i want to do is lay down..lol..not to be, at least not for the next 10hrs!. Maybe some kind of bugs are around,...or maybe just age lol 😛

I'm greatful to have been able to spend time with a family this weekend...they have no idea how much i trully miss them.

God bless, stay safe all
No gambling to report.

JFT - S x

Morning diary,

Phew...my feety still holding me up! (Not as strong after chasing 3 cats round da block...that's me being dragged on the pavement holding tightly on the chain lol tut tut B, but I'm still standing!)

Feeling ok emotionally and just now thought that i am still on HP. Addictive :-/...deffo is. Was thinking if need to come off them but again..is it me trying to sabotage myself as soon as i start feeling better? ...interesting thought!

I am greatful for my life ☺..it's a miracle to be honest! I achieved soooo much recently it's hard to believe to be honest. I am proud of myself!
I have everything i was dreaming about and only left to sort the job out...simples huh...not lol...i applied for permanent job at me vollunteering but am still awaiting for their decision. Gonna go out and play on Thursday so get more skills needed as i really enjoying what i do ☺...Hopefully my lil goal of permanent place will be achieved accordingly...patience! That's the key & man...i have got loads of that one lol.

Looking forward for a break away next month. Well needed relaxing time. Left me skint but knowing that my family will be there with me is keeping my hopes well high! Another miracle I'm greatful for.

Life is good. I am calm, content, cared for... That's all i needed actually. I'm also being missed as i noticed lol..& that's something new but ever ever so wonderful feeling.
I like myself more now. Don't think I'm s**y b****h but hell...little steps huh lol. I am what i am & my dear diary - i am enough ☺

Sleepy time as seem to lack those recently & need to balance 30000+ daily steps with 30000 winks huh 😉

Ohhhh...b4 i forgot. Amom...thank you so much for your words the other day...the line of "follow your heart" has been with me ever since & that's what I'm doing ☺..seems to work.

Take care all and stay safe

No gambling to report.

JFT - S x

Hi diary,

Just something unsettling on my mind so decided to come by and ....well...rant!

Weird day today. Was off work and sprang outta bed with first sun rays (who am i kidding...i dragged my sorry a**e after 5th alarm gone off fearing that it's afternoon and i missed all the planned "fun" i had on mind :-/)

11 o'clock it is! Lol. Have had a good day to be honest, just started to get a little unsettled later on in the day.

I am very happy for my mornings. I used to stay in dressing gown & slippers for the first two hours of waking time...3 cups of coffee to open one eye....another 2 for the second...coffee lovers knows the drill huh
...but now it's different story! Jogging bottoms shortly after 1 cup of Joe is consumed and off i go to wonder in fresh air ☺...massive change to my routine but well needed & of course - healthy!

Got painting brushes today. (Telling me i get my priorities right lol...still need blinds & simple thing like a microwave & every spare penny for MOT shortly...but nooooo....i rather book a break away, buy unnecessary 4x of door handles :-0 & paint brush with Alan keys....ohhhh...& a screwdriver :-D...not sure what last two for lol...w*f? ha..it is insane for sure but hay ho! That's me ☺

Got bathroom painted but after the 3rd layer gave up and packed everything in. Still need to go back to it but gotta be weekend at this rate!

Lost my dog (lil b****r run away through the hole in the hedge!)...so after 10 mins of panic/swearing/calling her....she came back from the garden of 3 houses away! I am shocked to be honest but glad we were reunited! Some DIY on the garden is required so no escape routes present!

So...after not too bad day why i feel unsettled?
Maybe cause i looked to the past again. Some memories surfaced bk up during the painting (who said it's one of the calmest activities to have?) and I've seen myself more than a bad wolf for sure :-/

It is what it is. I did many mistakes in life. I didn't learn many of them straight away...but here i am..here and now! My life panned out as it is for a reason. Absolutely no place for regrets..i am where i am and i wouldn't of been here if not my poor choices in the past. I like it here, I'm surrounded by love, honesty and care. I'm surrounded by people i chose to be around and vice versa. I'm surrounded by family...the one who loves and hates but you could never ask for different one!

I am only one (100's lil Sandra's aside) ...it's good thing or bad...i don't know... but it's reality.

Goodnight dear diary. Lil girl sleeps soundly... & made me think if people who has kids appreciates that peace/ love & care the same... also panic/ anger & tiredness on the other side of the coin lol....

Can't wait for motherhood for sure lol.

Stay safe all...no gambling to report.

JFT - S x