...

Diary,

Reading very interesting book. I am glad i still have some hobbies..aka - reading. It takes me to different world, away from reality.

Reality is tough recently. Still very raw and painful emotions. Last two days even had anger....towards the world because its unfair...huh....yes, it can be unfair.

Was told that
I am 'coo coo' by posting so much about my lil girl on FB...hmmmm...by my own relative!!!!. This peed me off! I stopped posting but then i thought...f** you!!! Who are you to dictate my life! My dog is my only best thing in this world and if i want to share my days with her...so be it!..Cannot let ppl take my last piece of light....it's dark around as it is.

Sooo.....this aside...did manage to get to work. Best if i shouldn't of lol as had a major explosion happening with machinery...still laughing to myself as believe me or not i was the last person to touch it b4 it happened..teaches them right and hope to get some training going forward..no casualties so that's a good thing! Shiteee happens so here we go..

Not much else to report. Not gambling...sleeping, eating and walking a lot. Not talking much as haven't got anyone to talk to lol...not chasing anyone anymore and rather suffer in silence than crawl on my fours asking for a converse...did that for far too long.

Ok..time for a book...saddness/ loneliness/ pain and a flicker of anger towards the world is still here but as everything in this life - it will pass.

Night from me & woofs from lil girl

B&S xx

My family are proper dickkkkkks as well and have nothing nice to say. You can set your filter so they don't see your posts. I did it ages ago! It's great!

I'm hurting a lot too. I think a lot of people are at the moment. Something going on in the cosmos. It's really hard to function. I think ending destructive patterns is hard but it's time to do so.

f x

Thank you Freda,...hope i didn't offend you with my thoughts last night xx

Dear diary,

Friday. Day 6 without gamble. It's not an issue when i work...weekends are the worst :-/
My heart goes out to Barcelona victims & their families/friends...world has become very frightening place...we MUST appreciate what we have here and now...show love, care, kindness...forgive....let go of pain...

Work has become demanding also. Not sure what's up with that place. I also had an opportunity to put my CV forward for a manager's position...Couldn't be bothered :-/....i may regret it but cannot think of promotions and the stress new placement brings..i will survive where i am now...i need to recover first to b able to move forward in life/work.
Checked my bank yesterday...Couldn't face it all week...hmmm...minus 30 quid till payday. My own doing...again..i will survive!

Deleted a Whatsapp of my bestie yesterday...was in a pool of tears just b4 work but hopefully it will help me to let go and move on. Number still in phone book lol...so didnt get far really ...d**n...
Cannot force someone to be friends with me if they see friendship as toxic and feels they have tread on egg shells around me..plainly and simply wrong that is...
Thousands of emails to delete but step at a time...lol..it will take me forever but hopefully after all this pain i can come out as a stronger person...after looking in the reflection in the mirror....i may be able to forgive myself for not being perfect also.

f**k...and tears are here again...
Will be back later diary.
No gambling today....

B&S x

The hardest thing for me, as i just realised is to lwt the hope go..the hope that things will get better again.
Hope is my biggest strength believe me or not....but sometimes even hope cannot make things right again.

Look after yourself Sesuo and keep good memories of this friendship. Sorry again.

Diary,

I believe i need to see GP again. Tablets I'm on is not really making any difference. Maybe i need to up the doze up....& of course cut alcohol intake down...i can't stop drinking since my lil romance and how long ago was that? Way too long ago

For myself, for my lil girl, for my family (even if it got down in numbers), for my future...for my peace and serenity....

Just for today....just for this moment

B&S xx

You are welcome to give your opinion as long as you're not abusive, S. You weren't, so it's all good with me. Was coming from a good place. We might see s*x differently on some levels but I don't have to agree with everything everyone says.

Sorry for the rotten time you are having. I understand what it is like to not feel confident you can always come across as "nice" to others when you are in pain. I have wanted to isolate today as I've been in a bad mood. I'm good at not lashing out, verbally, at shop assistants and so on but give me an informal conversation with a friend and I struggle when angry.

I suppose I quite like the CoDA meeting I went to in this respect. You can be honest, don't have to impress anyone. You can confess your ugly side without getting rejected.

I think a conversation with GP wouldn't hurt. I know mine needs to know I've been struggling more, lately.

How about a gratitude list? Can ease the sting of loss.

Your behaviour isn't you. It's your pain. Your pain isn't who you are, it's how you hurt.

People may need to move away from your behaviour, but doesn't mean you yourself at your core are unlovable. We just need to find ways to work through our pain so it doesn't control our behaviour. I'm talking to myself here as much as I'm talking to you 🙂

f x

Thank you f xx

Gratitude list huh....ok...

1) enjoyed my 130 mph journey bk home...even seen 2 falling stars ☺ (maybe driving too fast got me dizzy here)...looks like i haven't been put off by my accident..i can do some "speeding" now and then..
2) managed a day at work...left early...made me smile knowing i will see my girl earlier thank usual
3) faced my fears and got 2 spiders! Envelope & glass dont fail..try it out!
4) glad i have spoken to Dad today....told him i love him and calmed him down about my sister's behaviour..he was upset about it...
5) gave sister some support...she goes through divorce..not easy stuff to get over with
6) held £20 note and appreciated it for what it is....diesel for work for a week....learning the importance of money
7) thanked my team for a hard graft today...even if i failed to smile most of the day and looked miserable...i apologised later
8) greatful for Rachel and Joan giving me some personal support today....i needed it...thank you ladies xx
9) greatful for being alive...what goes round the world is challenging..i must appreciate my presence here & now
10) .......I'm greatful for this lil girl snoring her head off on my knees...the realisation of someone actually caring and loving you for who you are is priceless....i shall give my full attention and love in return.....

Book time..it has been a long week..got a lot to reflect on after my emotional meltdown recently.

Stay safe all...God bless

B&S xxx

Ps. 11) Greatful for this list....THANK YOU FREDA for suggestion...little things huh...little things...stay strong and at peace lovely xx

Good evening dear diary,

So Saturday is here and only now managed to find time to sit down. Had a busy day...a little tirening but it kept me outta trouble.

Have just spoken to GC advisor and was referred for counselling...i did ask if anything is available around my area. It is...i shall make a call on Monday.

A little sad because last time i went down this route was to try and "better" myself for a friend....haha...nope..it didn't work.

This time round i feel crushed to the ground mainly driven by the emotions of another friendship falling to pieces....& here i repeat the cycle...

It's ridiculous!!! But i need to go with open mind.

The service is for alcohol addiction also....WOW!!! ..Wouldn't it be great?!

I just know i need to do something...just speak...express my pain, anger....raise all the questions i have...get rid of b*****d attachments who hurts like hell!!! I cannot just bloody heal by myself..it won't happen as i lived far for too long by this illusion.

I'm weak ok...I'm soft, overally sensitive and needing of care and safety..these are not bad things but the further i go down the path of my life i keep hitting the same b*****d wall!!!! Just on bloody circle with trust/ breakages/ dissapointment/ self punishment.

It has to stop because the only one who hurts is.....me.....& i deserve more than pain! I do.

Angry now...just like that...

Memories i guess..

No gambling.

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Sandra

You and my son are mirror images of each other. You both carry so much pain and you are right... you deserve better. There is no clearcut sure fire way out of this other than to keep pushing through it.

My heart breaks for you ... keep using every tool, resource, friend, and support you can get your hands on.

I am glad today is a gamble free day for you!

Cathyx

Good afternoon diary/ world/ GC...

So sat here on the bench in the forest, watching squirrels run accross the pines, sun rays breaking through the tops of the branches & lil babybel running around taking all senses in.. BLISS!..it's the best feeling ever!

I did exhaust my mindset and did a lot of damage to myself over the last few months. Did unbelievable and destroyed myself completely. My own fault...
At the end of the session of self sabotage, i had no more energy...i was empty, broken, destroyed. The only way was to surrender....and when i did that, i allowed myself to breathe again. I covered myself with peace of mind blanket...priceless this is! Peace of mind huh....who would of thought it can soothe so much!

I am following few steps in my own repair of mindset..mainly working on forgiveness and releasing anger/pain/ dissapointment...it's more mindfulness than anything. It's good to get into such state.

Life goes in the middle lane. No excitement = no drama. I shall take it. The more simple life i lead, the less prospect of damaging myself.

Have been a long week...did many hours at work..tirening also..but am sleeping like a log..still 10-11 hrs a night..in fact i only woke up 20mins ago lol lol...my girl loves sleep also so no complaints there.

Mums health is detoriating... :-(....it's another toughie I'm dealing with emotionally...

& also praying....still. .

Will need a break shortly to my belowed corner of UK. Offered few gals to join me but if they don't...no worries...i have my baby by my side so deffo am not alone.

I guess that's me. 2 weeks tom no gambling.
I will get better...i deserve it.

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Hi diary,

I really struggled today. Logged in to 3 different sites but thankfully am self excluded from them.

Don't know what triggered it but i felt urges rising after all the housework I've done today.

Tried GC chat, talked to GA member...still had urges :-/
Reached out to one of you who really understood...thank you Sis...

Well..one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes it happens. I'm not perfect...far from it. I am an addict too...maybe makes this brain a little more difficult to understand...or maybe just need to accept that nothing changes if nothing changes. I need to start liking myself more ☺...the world will follow ...

I have it all..my babybel by my side...family..own place.

I ain't got perfect health and do struggle with waking up..always tired...maybe over sleeping...
I am trying short runs again..only half a mile a day...that's good enough for me....i will get further in time ☺..practice makes it perfect huh.

Well..no gambling (thank God!!)...a lil snuggle time with lil girl and sleeps again.... i guess i spend 70% of my day in bed......gone cut it down accordingly..i must...for me...for my baby...

G'night all

B&S xx

You had urges, recognised them and rode them out. You can't stop the urges but you have proven to yourself that they don't have to control you. I think that counts as two steps forward and one step back my dear girl!

Cathyx

Thank yoooouuuuuuuu sweet lady ☺

Dear diary,

Random....

Watching "Tough Mudder" and just remembering how funny/difficult/challenging/exhausting/rewarding...my 26.6mile walk around London was last year...
The emotions...i remember them well...happy/ tired/ crazy / out of it....all soo muddled up...lol...it's quite scary to think of it! ..but definitely awesome experience to have in this life...i guess challenging yourself is the most rewarding thing...keep going....don't give up....try again...have a sip of water..rest those legs for a minute...but keep walking...keep talking...keep with it...live ☺..mental tiredness takes over of course same as physical one to boot...but there is something out there...is it a good deed you're concentrating on? Helping others...? Challenging your abilities at the same time?!...i looked at my "medal" the other day...will deffo do the challenge again...i loved it ☺

Nice memories & as i said..just random triggered by the programme I'm watching...that's how quickly i can get triggered haha..

No gambling...starting 3rd week...i shall definitely take it!

G'night from me and babybel ☺

B&S xx

Hi, Sandra,

Saw an exchange on another thread about s*x and meetings and decided to offer my thoughts, FWIW.

Personally, I don't regard thirteenth stepping as appropriate because the Fellowship members are vulnerable, more so than they would be prepared to admit. And it's entirely possible to use s*x as a means to use. Otherwise, s*x between two consenting adults is their business and none of mine.

I've been reading up on relationship addiction (older books, Robin Norwood and Pia Mellody) and the business of having healthy relationships with no addiction or co-addiction is not that simple!!! I'm also trying to work on my own codependency. I personally find that the presence of men causes discomfort for me in the CoDA meetings, although I have no qualms about mixed GamAnon meetings. (Just as well because GamAnon is already of limited availability). But somehow the relationship aspect is more personal, I feel more vulnerable even though I'm not young or free or single and therefore I prefer a single s*x CoDA group. Might this be an avenue for you to consider? At AA or Al-Anon if relevant or CoDA?

Look after yourself.

CW

Hey S, took me a while to figure out what was your diary, haha! Doesn't take much to confuse me these days.

Sounds like you are doing really great! Feeling your feelings is always a good sign.

I feel less lonely after starting coda meetings. Get heard without being interrupted. It's nice!

This recovery lark isn't easy but it's worth it 🙂

f x

Thanks f...

Not doing so good today as beating myself up about the debt i created so quickly. All cause of letting emotions take over for some kind of meaningless friendship. Now i shall be paying it all bk for quite few years and that means that it will be ingrained in my memory...f*****g bull*s**t human reactions and overreactions.
Well..what's done is done. Just need to be stronger next time...

In general feeling better...(these lil mind slips apart). Going out a lot...spending time with ppl who doesn't mind my company..

Got hands full with work. Did a good deed yesterday and saved someone's limb! Quick reaction prevented horrible life changing consequences...am owing a full accident investigation now. Find it very interesting collating all the evidence, writing reports, checking records and taking statements of witnesses...tell ya what...more experience like that and i will be detective in no time ☺. ..something my heart was leaning to for a while now...at 32 i may still have chance still lol.

That's me. Absolutely LOVING my lil angel B...who woulf of thought huh..a furry friend put you bk on ur feet .

No gambling...no dramas..f**k the ones who hurt me that's what i say today....& tommorow is of course another day!

B&S xx