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Hello diary,

Extremely tired. Finished when sun was rising this morning & now got to head bk into place..really taking my physical and emotional energy away but carry on i must!

House is looking like a house now..phewwww..both guest rooms finished and sorting out some furniture. Bought an amazing power jet kit and can't have enough lol..who needs sleep! I'm up & running waving that gun to patio like no tommorow! Its a miracle as it just looks completely different place now! Love it!

Feeling so so. Probs cause I'm tired. Feeling hurt again and seems like my steps are going backwards a little..but could be worse...could be in more pain.

Gonna try and get bk to vollunteering. I had a thought about it and nearly pulled out but..there is something...just little piece of care still left. I will see how i get on, maybe it will help me as well as i will help others..

Thinking of a lodger...gulp. .don't really want to but it's difficult to juggle finances..esp now i have that mountain of debt to tackle...bahhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Will "shop" around and like our lady Rach, will use a strategy of sitting them on a chair, tying them up, Babybel in front of them giving an awesome smile & just maybe a bit of electrocution to find out all about thier past and present haha.....ya watch, person will be rocking in a corner and not looking bk twice after the ordeal (how could i?....evil face ;-))

Ok..enough blah blah..duties are calling.

No gambling, i shall take it.

B&S xx

Hello diary,

Finally completed the week! Pheww..hard job it was.

I was reminded this week that i keep myself to myself. I actually don't talk at work..lol..seriously..why? Because the more you talk the more gossip it starts. Factory life for you. I go in and do my duties..if i need to talk - it's strictly about work and performance. Found many enemies there already lol..lazy f*ooks..no pi**ing about doing nothing on my watch!!..that ain't happening man!
Anyway..i may be strict but life is life.

I was given 7 days to compete my accident investigation. Did it in one day! :-D...yup..if i set my mind to something, i will do it! Wasn't easy and finished with 30 pages folder but at least i know it's done and dusted..case closed! (Hope so cause aint heard any feedback yet..must of been ok then lol)
All this reminded me of my gambling behaviour..once i started i couldn't stop!!! Got soooo consumed in it it's unreal!

Anyway..bk to basics. Back home to my lil girl (did i say i LOVE her?) and just chilling before weekend.
I actually just now realised how much i got attached to my baby :-/...if i was in the situation to choose who to save...human or her...it would be her...should feel guilty for saying this, but that's reality and that's how much i love her... (if it was a kid v her...i may have to think about it)

Anyway..that's me.

3 weeks no gambling - GO ME!!! looks like i don't need an army behind me to keep on straight and narrow...as always - a lone soldier does the trick over here...☺

Thanks for reading

B&S xx

Hello diary,

No gambling today...but came very close. Noticed my behaviour changing as soon as seen flashing "Bingo" sign in other town where i went to watch a movie...(Rough night...worth watching if you want a good laugh)
Thank God my mate kept saying "No!!..not even for 30mins". She knew my motives...she knows i have a problem but to be honest on my part i play it down recently..like it's not a big issue...which it is really...i know and many ppl knows that.

I didn't gamble..rode the urges out (took 3hrs) and am calm again..

Still hurting but no blame game even if sequence of events made it difficult/easier to make some choices...at the end of the day its my choice either way huh.

Bought a bed yesterday..trying to like spending money on me & ...well...stuff around me.
I don't really like to do that, i rather give money away...either gambling or somebody who feels better for it..it makes me feel better for some reason.... Lack of self love & care this is and i guess deep down know it..

Working on it...or trying to.

Stay safe all

B&S xx

Hi dairy....

I finally shared the pic i wanted to for so long..beautiful place with beautiful soulful friend...it has deep meaning for me....very deep...& it's all connected with people on here..

Right..interesting day today...a little ouch but am still standing!

No gambling....just for today i shall stay safe

G'night all

B&S xx

Great work! You are dealing with these difficult urges so well!

I want to suggest when people find self-love difficult - is it easier to love your inner child? We often naturally have more compassion for children. Just an idea!

f x

Hello Sandra

Liking the new profile picture!

As you addressed me in another thread I thought the right thing to do would be to acknowledge your post.

I appreciate the post, thank you for your suggestion that I have acted upon. Certainly no disrespect taken from your fair post with sensible advice.

Very difficult to know what to post here (which is what took me so long to get here). I've read your admirably honest posts; some things you write about I can understand, others I have absolutely no idea about.

I struggled to speak for many years. Probably only managed to consistently speak with any fluency for about the last ten years. Still something I need to improve. What I think this has possibly done is given me a heightened sense observation. My neighbour said when I was a child: "Glint doesn't say much but he takes it all in." It stuck with me because it was probably the nicest thing I can remember someone saying to me when I was young. The neighbour was probably just putting his thoughts politely. Strangely seems that though people don't hear words they seem to sense thought from me.

All I can offer here is an observation that has always struck me when reading your posts. A quality that to me stands out.

Not suggesting my observations are always right I must add.

If my observation is welcome I will return and substantiate in a few weeks.

In the meantime in an exercise of self-reflection - possibly because I've gotta get off the GamCare now or I won't have time to water the begonias before work - I would be interested to know if you had any thoughts on what I'm getting from your posts.

To rule out any influence from your potential input, the quality I have (rightly or wrongly) observed I will put in code form which I will break in the next post:

2W Be Ce

Glint

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Hi S,

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed at the moment.

I can relate to the special safety that comes with being loved by an animal. They stay loyal and love you no matter what kind of a state you are in. I love waking up with my cat next to me on the bed.

I feel a lot of people are experiencing tempestuous times at the moment. Something funny going on in the heavens, I reckon.

You're doing better than you realise,

f x

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Thank you for your warm response Sandra.

Appreciate your kind comments on my writing.

No professional training.

Just saying.

Couple of things to add. My code is (virtually) impossible to break. The point wasn't to set you a puzzle (although not knowing what to post to you I did consider that an option), if I wanted to do that I would of posted you some Sudoku.

And nearly did.

The point was to encourage some introspection. I would like you to think about yourself not my code!

Been doing this myself daily, helps me deal with things better.

I did think knowing your thoughts would be interesting so the code was to tie me to my observation without being influenced by any potential input.

On reflection I think this would work better if you kept your thoughts to yourself for now.

Posting to you would be easier for me if you did break my code. Then my observation would simply be that you are a genius, my advice: join MI5.

Second thing - epic effort on your well-received thread in 'Overcoming'. Must of took a long time to write all that for the benefit of others.

That's cool.

I gotta be honest - I've read more interesting threads but rarely seen more helpful ones. Thank you Sandra.

Shame it seems to have disappeared, can't say I'm surprised. Excellent intent nonetheless Sandra.

Not sure where you stand on the forum now. Either way I know where I stand on my word so unless you lock this thread I'll return with my observation. Not going to be life-changing for you but it will be my very best attempt to post something useful.

I'm very busy with work and start my college course this week so don't expect to be on the GamCare much for the remainder of the month.

For now, please look after yourself Sandra d:-)

Hi S....

What an awful addiction this is

Am thinking about you...

Come back when your ready

take care.

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It's Life " S " whatever you may feel , it's not alway's bright light's and Champagne but when it's good it's alright girl :)) .

Good times / Bad times come and go but your still out there fighting in your corner , I work for myself and like yourself want to shout and sream at people sometimes so your not alone in that either .

Daily life's a bit like that 10 k you have your eye on , you begin at the start hoping you'll get to the end in reasonable shape , sometimes it's a bit of a struggle but on other day's/ races everything goes to plan and it turns out to be just a stroll in the park :)) .

Dust your trainers off S nad give that Dog of your's a pat from me :))

Take care Hun xx