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Thoughts are with you

Hugs ((((( ))))

Oh, S 🙁

I'm so sorry. I understand how bleak things can feel. Please connect with us or someone face to face.

You can get through this, with support.

f x

Thinking of you my dear (((S))) I hope you aren't too lost in addiction. As Freda says you can get through this with support. You really can in spite of what addiction tells you.

Cathyx

Hello diary,

I didn't think of that! I can still post here but only under different user name.

Thank you Cathy for your kind words and a hug. Really appreciated as I'm going through something difficult recently

Prayed a lot today. Am stunned to realise that world is slightly calmer place when you connect with your spirit.

Time to face one of the demons. Not sure of the outcome but am gonna get over initial guilt/ embarrassment of letting the team down.

Love to all.

S x

Feels like calm before the storm. Everyone seems extremely nice to me today which makes me feel even more at breaking point. (Wanting to cry).

Have been silently praying a lot. Before I know I will become a nun at this rate...might as well start using relaxation room on my breaks for prayer and meditation.

Challenge to go bk in has been completed. Next - no stops at services for booze. I know I can do it...i really started to want to sort myself out...but lil steps...little steps.

Hello diary,

Not great night's sleep but at least clear head to wake up with.

Had many thoughts about life in general before sleeps. I am so proud of my dad is one of them. He had (still has) horrible virus and can't even speak properly, knocked down with a flu, headaches and massively high temperature. Guess what? Marching on like a true soldier, doing 24hrs shifts and keeps pushing on. & here is me...cloud of depression and I stop going work, gamble my life away and burry my head in a sand. Shameful for sure 🙁

Many thoughts of what's laying ahead but I guess I will have the opportunity to figure it out with the counselling.

For now - no gambling or drink, keep attending work, eating, walking and sleeping are priorities. I shall take that. God is here with me.

Stay safe all xx

Some motivation for this dull day...however...ready to rock & roll again!

Thank each & everyone of you for coming in my life...even if didn't stop by for too long ☺

Bless your souls!

https://youtu.be/zyQ5ZSMENF0

Sorted counselling out and shall begin sessions next week. Feeling nervous..more than before :-/

Not sure how I can help myself. In my previous sessions I talked about the past mainly... don't really want to go bk there again. Don't feel it being the major factor in my behaviour now.. I moved on from those days.
Would like to learn to live life and learn to like myself. Would like to talk about here, now and maybe tommorow...would like to understand why I feel I need "motherly"/"sistery" figures in my life...im not a kid after all..im 32 grown up woman capable of my own decisions and looking after myself. Shouldn't want someone to lean on/ look after me..

...d**n....it is connected isn't it?...

f****k.....

All the worries aside I have one tiny positive (or is it positive haha)....i have never ever ever been closer to my sister than I have been last 6 months..we talk on a phone daily! :-0
I'm still not trusting her with my life & prefer to listen to her whinging and she is doing my head In being loop y now & again, but my big Sis will always be my big Sis.. none of us are perfect...none of us will ever be.

Over & out

God bless

Hi diary,..

Thoughts today - breaking the cycle.

I just had admit to myself and couple of people that I repeat the same behaviour as before. Feeling down/ lonely - push people away. Exactly the same behaviour going on for ages and ages. Definitely need to touch on it on my sessions and figure out how to stop hurting myself and others in this process.

Tried to email couple of people. Oh my...what a struggle! I didn't write email for a long time & I used to think writing letters is difficult. ..i used to type book long emails before and now struggled to connect few sentences together. I have too much on my mind and struggle to put it down.
I leave it there as haven't got much to add to this change.

Been slapped heavily by the bank. Came out of nowhere and interest charges plus late payment fee just landed on top of my credit. WOW..what a mess I got myself into.

Sun is up. Walk complete...coffee and maybe some meditation before work.

No gambling..stay safe all

I really want to cry. I looked at my finances and no way i can survive till pay day. Praying that vets won't ask more than £250 for lil girl on friday. My last cash.. last money and it has been put aside for my angel.
I am fine, I can go with bread only for two weeks but I need to feed litle one. Petrol for two weeks. .it's unmanageable.

I gambled my life away. Absolutely destroyed myslef and not only myself.

There is always first for everything...and my first for actually not being able to keep plates turning is here.

What have I done?!
I don't know how to go forwards..

Still a bit bahh.

The realisation of facts sunk in after I gave my body and mind some rehab from "using" this week.
Can't shake wondering what will happen when I start feeling better? Will "bravado" prevail again? :-/

But...for today...no more tears..just some sleep and face tommorow with fighting spirit again.

Love & peace from me & B

S c

Hi diary,

Had wayyy better sleep last night but struggled to get up.

Feeling so so. A bit sad but this shall pass as long as I don't make things worse by gambling/ drink. I really ended up in a gutter this year. I have never ever experienced such pain, guilt and continued grieving for such connection I had.. just praying it will start easing off and I struggle to move on still...

My 2 emails trying to make amends with two guardian angels I had in my life has gone unanswered. Hopefully another lesson I shall take on board:
- people are not toys and you cannot throw them out of your life when feel like it expecting them to let you bko in their lives again.
Maybe I needed more lesson than one..i am definitely slow learner when comes to life.

All in all. I am here..still plodding along. Last day at work and 5 days off. 5 days to take care of my gorgeous little girl.

Stay safe all..things can only can better if we let them to be.

S & B xx

So back home alone. o*g...how lonely & quiet this feels! I'm moaning about being lonely but fail to see how much my little girl gives me. The love I have for her is beyond words!

Only few hours shut eye but little miracle happened on chat yeaterday. Words has a power like nothing else! It can break you but also make you!! THANK you so so much (you know who you are if read this) For a simple words " love yourself and believe in yourself". My face has lit up for the rest of the shift yesterday and when i mean lit up....its like a sunrise ☺... thanks again! Something what I needed to hear for sure!

Thinking about my attachments. And now since I see clearly, I realise how clingy I am. Friendship over - kaput, finito, pabaiga ....move on Sandra, there is nothing left to pick up from. People don't want you for a reason and the reason is YOU.
I have always clung to my Mum's skirt when was little..been pushed away but I never gave up.

Maybe that's my mistake now. I don't give up. ....lol....but there are things in life where you have to let go.
I truly hope my new understanding of situation will aid in my journey ahead. ..

No gambling nor drink for a week.
Missing my lil babs already....counting the minutes down until we will be reunited again.

Stay safe all...appreciate what you have because you never know when you can lose it.

S&B xx