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Hi Sandra.

Keep this momentum going its good to see happy posts coming from you.

I’m glad my words in chat gave you a little lift that means as much to me as it did you.

I’ve spoken with people like us for years and the one thing that holds people back is fear. A fear of how great they will become without addiction. Who will I be if I don’t have the label addict?

How does one grow if they give their self a label?

Labels are for clothes.

The only label you need is.... I’m human.

Humans continue to make a mistake until they learn.

You mentioned that you’ve already tried everything.

This may be the case but have you tried them the right way? Have you given each thing you’ve tried the right amount of time and effort before you’ve dismissed them?

From previous posts you’ve asked for forgiveness. But never forgiven yourself and that is where it all starts.

You have to forgive yourself for everything you’ve done. Let go of the past that obviously holds you back.

Here’s what I suggest whilst walking your dog (who is cute as by the way). If you come across a pond pick up a rock put all your problems and negative energy in the rock name it what you want and launch it as far as you can. And never let its negativity return.

Addiction without you has no power. It all starts and ends with you. You have the power inside to say no . I won’t let this addiction stop me from being who I want to and should be.

It’s a human right to have happiness in your life.

Imagine I’m across an old bridge the bridge doesn’t look like it will hold much weight. But I’ve walked that bridge and I know it will hold.

All you have to do is put trust in another person that what they say is true. Fear will keep you on one side of the bridge. Belief will help you cross to my side.

From my side you can see addiction for what it really is.

Powerless....

If you Sandra can’t love yourself then how do you expect to receive love from someone else?

The worlds a beautiful place and you deserve to be in it . You just need to look past all the bad stuff that’s holding you back.

I think the new diary was a good idea as this one represents the old you so to grow you needed a fresh start.........

Here’s to the future.

And remember love yourself like you would expect love from another

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🙂 🙂 🙂

Cathyx

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My moods are so jumpy I am annoyed with them myself..
Now I'm worried about counselling tommorow! It is online one and I absolutely hate video talking (skype/ facetime). I rather see person face to face or talk on a phone.. Again..not sure why is it the language I'm anxious about, or to show my ugly face to someone...i just don't like these but I couldn't find one face to face closer by.

Another thing I'm not sure what I can learn from sessions. Of course, not saying it's pointless but I have had the opportunity few years back. Obvs I didn't pick up much as my behaviour continued. Is there anything else what could be suggested/ said? Am I walking the same grounds?..i dunno....
I am taking up someone elses place in more in need 🙁

I am scared, fearful and quite lost!

Only I can make a change... but it's always nice & encouraging to have someone walk that path with you. Presently I feel I have to do it alone...lonely bussiness that is.

..but gotta be done.

Rant over (I just dreading going bk work tom really lol...)

Still angry with myself! How could I put myself in this situation!?

I never been fan of Xmas but I did so much damage this time, I am lost at what to do with nephews/ sisters presents all together. Want to hide and not resurface till after new year.

Finances means a lot at the end of the day. I never felt so much embarrassment looking up food banks around me! o*g.. is it how far i am willing to fall?

I just now realised that blocker I put on is not gonna solve my problems. Yes, it may prolong the disaster but I am sure I can find another destructing ways to sabotage myself.

I wonder why? Why I feel the need to hurt myself? Why I cannot love myself/ treat myself and live in peace? What is wrong with me 🙁
Am I not worthy good stuff? When will I allow myself that freedom of soul?..

Answers in a post pls..

Just few thoughts before the sleeps...

Almost a year ago I have had a car accident...i keep thinking...what if:

- I was going faster
- I didn't wear my seat belt
- I didn't break at all
- it was raining
- it was foggy
- I was drunk
....

Basically, what if I would of left this place ...

..i wouldn't of:
- sat at Xmas dinner table with my family
- seen my first own house
- own my little paws
- seen my parents this summer
- wished my sister a happy birthday gone Saturday
- have a closer connection with girls as J and Rachel
- wouldn't of completed my tough
challenge of ten k
- wouldn't of asked for proper help with this addiction....

On other hand:
- wouldn't of hurt my best friend
- I wouldn't of been in this debt.
- I would of died stressed but having hope for a better future

There are no conclusions..because - I am here & I am still working at it..
Maybe more lonely but with roof over my head and lil paws by my side.

For now it's enough.

Goodnight & stay safe

S & B xx

Good afternoon diary

Assessment went well and counsellor knows what she is dealing with. Already figured that further private counselling would be helpful as my issues are not circling around gambling 100% But at least she didn't run for the h * lls and we arranged first session next week. Got 5 of them and then I will see if I can afford the private ones going forward.

Lil paws is detesting me for putting the "cone of shame" on her & even her puppy eyes doing good job in making me feel guilty, This is for the best to protect wound from scratching/ licking.

Already had many run ins with the walls, doors and stairways...me not helping and leaving door ajar while making cup of tea and her creating the earthquake in the bedroom not being able to fit thorough the door :-/....& I was wondering what is she up to banging around lol

I am in pieces having to leave her alone but will look for a half day if possible......she is my main worry nowadays..

That's me.. felt low this morning..low and lonely but ...i pushed people away so serving the time now. Maybe meant to be.

One thing counsellor said...shone light on me ..

" you still have hope for your future as I see..unless you're putting face on here"......& I had to agree some flicker of the light is still within me after all I put myself through...but also... I am not as calm as I came accross..still very raw And painful within.. I did tell her that she is right, I am so used to put that face up, I don't realise it anymore...first person who "seen" through me in first contact!

..or just maybe my masks are slipping more frequently recently...

Take care all..no bets to report.

S & B xx