Good morning diary,
The counselling session muddled some thoughts in me and they don't seem to go away..
It's more about my road last year where I was going through so many changes and constantly running before I could walk....& then I achieved my goal I put my hands down. Got rid of both addictions at once and had nowhere to lean on on down days...Chuck in a mix some heartbreak and I seem to completely crumble down with a force of hurricane with all the bad habits returning ten times worse.
Still, I have no answers of how to move forwards.
These recent weeks I definitely feel like Billy no mates lol..its not a plea for friendships, I can have them i guess if I open myself to wide world...i just can't keep them.
Scary waters awaits...i only just put my toe in them and I'm already scared of what it brings.
Well..anyway...i have my lovely girl, I manage job, I have house and hot water..i have a car even if it needs lightbulb and some more maintenance...i have GC...(I also attend chat rooms daily...just so I calm my mind down from overthinking)..it is what it is I guess, recovery is not rosy path to start with but there is no need to give up now.
Keep up the HOPE.
S&B xx
Hey Sandra,
It was lovely to read your post. Bitter sweet in many ways. Great you are still here but having a read of your recent posts it seems our waters are murky.
It's always worth remembering we are far from alone in this world. Whether that comfort and protection comes from a partner, family, friends, pets, strangers, a diary, a forum, or even professionals the fact is we don't have to do this alone. No matter how many times we feel we need to or even want to.
I owe so many words of thanks but within hours of returning here 3 very familiar names popped up on my diary. For that I am truly thankful and I vow to stand by their side like they have mine.
You are not alone, you can do this, I will be watching and supporting your progress each day.
Flagg
Thank you Flagg вє
Never give up giving up & never lose hope! ...we all will find a way forward eventually.
Love to all вќ¤
Random...
I really want to get Xmas spirit this year..fornme and my lil girl. After all, it's first Xmas by myself...
Dilemma: I have no Xmas tree :-/...but I have a forest near by 😀
..& You know what diary..this evil thought just had me in stitches and I'm still laughing at myself..i may still get my old self back in time lol
o*g...looks like a good day planned ahead for the team! ( I can smile sometimes) Bring it on & let's the holiday commence in few hours (I'm also part timer recently sobi can save on petrol...bahhh)
Keep smiling..life shouldn't be taken too seriously at a time
X
Good morning diary,
Another day notched down and I am still fed/ warm and holding a job.
Us CG's can survive on bread and water for sure...
Looks like I cannot avoid overdraft and money I borrowed will not be enough till 27th..thats fine, it is what it is and could be well worse.
Mommy's birthday on 30th and was yesterday thinking of an idea of letter and home made card. I think Duncs suggested to a fellow soldier that and I think it's the best present a loved one can have!
Little paws is doing well. Vets were happy with her recovery but we will have to go back on Monday for another check up.
Made me think yesterday how I absolutely put her first. Had a pack of chicken in a freezer and figured some easy dish with rice & chicken will go down nicely! Too right...puppy eyes got chicken and I stuck to rice lol..she has her own food but...just those eyes huh..cannot resist them!
Also... felt like I've been send "an angel" from the above yesterday. Cut story short...a local milkman knocked on the door with offer of weekly fresh milk...if the miracle happened I should open the door in a minute and find a litre of fresh milk for free to try out first!..chink chink, some pennies saved for a week huh вє
That's me, no gambling nor drink to report..
Just for today...
S&B xx
Jeezz..worked myself up to quite a state..panic attacks/ short breaths and uncontrollable shaking. My heart really don't agree with this and needed to calm down.
Contacted GC...spoke for a while..calmed down.
It's the finances.. I truly don't know how to cope. If I lose my house & lil girl, there is no way forward for me anymore.
I have never been in debt before and this is so overwhelming...
Couple of months of wrong choices and lifelong consequences huh..
How long it takes to make a choice?..a split second huh..
How long we have to pay for them?........yup..you get my drift diary.
Truly don't know of a way forward.
But...just for now/ today I must find strength to keep moving on.
No desire to gamble/ drink..i hurt enough
So diary..i went to do sooooooo budget shopping for a week. Come up to £20 (I know...i love my food)... & got into embarrassing situation! My bank card is blocked! YOU WHAAAAAATTTTT!!! Why on earth it's blocked!..
I had to use credit card (which is maxed out) and I never used it for shopping or so...always been gambling kurwa card!
Now I'm expecting more fines and praying that my debit card will get sorted so at least car insurance/ phone bill/ internet can come out. It will be overdraft....but c'mon..it still had £80 in it for these bills.. 🙁
Fantastic for sure в№
Top quote of the day:
" surround yourself with someone, who wants to see you grow"
Goodnight
Good morning diary
2 weeks today since my world crumbled down on me.
Am still here and fighting.
Have had a good sleep and Sun is shining this morning so hopefully a promising day. Still half asleep but can't perform walkies with eyes closed can I. Hopefully fresh air will wake me up properly soon.
Phoned bank up asking about the fiasco last night and was told all is in order...bahh..they soon blamed Asda's card reader
Gotta find my banks ATM to put pin in and unlock it. The thing is - I have no my bank's ATM round here! Can't travel to bigger town to do the deed (saving on gasoline) So as long as last direct debits comes out alright, I shall leave card untouched.
What else ...i shall make myself useful and do "winter" cleaning round da house. Am truly surprised my lil paws has any fur left on her as all seems to be on the floor
See you later diary. No gambling to report вє
"Gambling/ drink/ drugs - slippery slope from living In a house to living on the streets..."
REMEMBER
Back again before the sleeps....watched few programs and one was about homeless people & another about life timers in jail (proper Friday night picks over here huh)
It actually made me think. I have so much around me and so much to lose...but also..i can lose it all in split second! I have a choice and actions to fulfil.
I really don't want to go lower than I just did few weeks ago. I put everything on the "cards"...i very nearly lost my sanity...
I have been very active on here recently. In the past week I attended 14 chat rooms I believe lol. No kidding when I say I feel lonely and need to speak..bahhh..i am very fortunate to have this opportunity to communicate. GC is awesome platform to start building again...so thank you вє
Lil paws dreaming away already and I shall join that mysterious world of unconsciousness soon.
Just happy that parents are getting better since recent virus, roof over my head, food, lil four legged companion and my own physical health which aid my mental one accordingly.
But most importantly..just for today, I am thankful for not gambling and making my situation worse...
My funny/ crazy self returning slowly but....i am sure I will get her back lol...watch out world - 32yr woman in 20yr old mentality lol
We are as old as we set ourselves to be.
Goodnight & God bless
S&B xx
Dear Lord
I don't know why you keep giving me these challenges but please please...dont take my one & only companion and best friend away from me...i gave away so much and this time i can't afford to lose her...i just can't..please
I am in distress and I am crying because what I had to go through earlier today is impossible to explain. She choked...she was in bad way...she almost stopped breathing..
Presently she seems a little better..recovering very slowly.
I'm back and forward with the vets ...monitoring/ consulting/ taking advice.
I don't think I was this scared ever before.
Dear Lord..take everything away from me (apart my family)...& She IS a part of my family...please...please..give me a break.
Sandra x
So I absolutely tried my best to talk to someone. My first call mate is working, my sister has her own stuff to do (by the sounds of it) & then I have GC. 5 tries unanswered.
I just wanted to speak to someone. Maybe not exactly gambling related but I am a mess emotionally...i just wanted to speak to someone for reassurance..thats all.
My girl...she is breathing steadily. She has both eyes blood shot like no tommorow but my vet assured me it's cause of excessive vomitting...i now think she ate something..maybe poison.god knows what's being thrown in that garden over night / morning..i don't follow her each step.
Gambling? Ha.....i guess I need to concentrate on that 2k scan bill if comes to it...& I know already I won't achieve it by gambling.
All in it hands God...i am praying.
B&S xx
Sorry to hear of your distress. I'll say a little prayer for you both tonight.. take care x
Did have a final post in mind to tie up my previous posts on here. In the time you took away from the forum it has slipped my mind a little.
Instead I will summarize and get to the point. To your credit Sandra you have and continue to seek help. I wanted to bring something different that might be of some use to you.
This didn't go well.
You write "I am a mess emotionally." Dealing with your emotions better was what I was thinking might help you.
Pleased to read you are having counselling and I wish you well with that.
On a similar line, not particularly practical because there doesn't seem to be many of these therapists in the UK and many tend to focus more on couples.
Emotionally Focused Therapy:
Probably not much use, thought I would post my findings just incase they can trigger something that might help.
The code you broke was a metaphor that sometimes it can seem impossible but with a little bit of help you can make a breakthrough. The delay to encourage introspection. I'm thinking there might of been a third hidden meaning to my posts.
Sorry to read about your dog. I have been in some awful situations in my life but that feeling of not being able to help an animal in peril is a uniquely difficult one.
Wishing you both well.
Even if it doesn't feel like it you are doing well dealing with a lot at once Sandra.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
