...

Thank you Irene, most appreciated xx

Dear diary,

Day 101 and i will look at it as staring new journey to day 200 🙂 day at a time...

Feel alot better today, going for a run and back to work later for a 2 nights..but it's ok, i have booked next week off:-) not sure what i'm going to do, maybe just couple of rides to the seaside, maybe will make myself go out one night:-) which has been a while and i need to start socializing.

Anyway as i heard in a lovely song yesterday:

' Yesterday is history, today is a gift and tomorrow is mystery' - which applies to every single one of us..

Take care all

Enjoy the gift you have today! That's what matters the most

Sandra x

Back again diary,

Well,not sure if i did right thing, but just read few treads on f and f section.......

oh boy.....feel so sorry for them and so much anger for myself....good job i'm single and didn't drag anyone else in this s**t..

Just a thought here, deeply shocked but feel more responsible for my actions in future. It's not only me on a plate, it is my loved ones and future relationships at stake, which i will give my 110% to keep on a right track....

day at a time

S x

Hi sandra1

Thanks for your kind words and support on my page, just have a quick read of your diary but will read it properly when I don't have to be up early for work. You are doing amazingly well and are an inspiration I hope I can get through this to over 100 days like you.

Good luck and well done x

Hi Sandra,

Thank u 4 all ur support, u help and encourage so many ppl on here u should be so proud of urself 🙂

U r doing brilliant 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Thanx Sparkle, and Charlotte...good to hear you keep going strong:-)

Good morning diary,

Day 102-103 getting along.still gamble free, but really fighting with myself:-) like you do...happy days...will come some time lol

Take care all

Sandra x

Good morning diary,

Feel really thoughtful now...finally work is done and 7 days off. I look forward to them but at the same time i don't. Another risky addiction i'm climbing into is drink.......my life seems to be full of addictions...i don't seem to stay in one place, living normal healthy life.

Even seem to attract wrong guys...what's wrong with me? Why i can't say no and put stop to it all before it spirals out of control? Why i can't be stronger and more composed?....a lot of why's........

I don't want to be addicted to anything...i'm working on one addiction and another two lined up.....smoking and drink.. i will get there...i need to, and hopefully i will start wanting it soon too...

Anyway, holiday started, need to keep myself occupied, car passed MOT, few quid in a pocket, free as a bird....going to see more of England sounds good idea at the min.....but better go to have some sleep first lol.....two nightshifts messes with ur brains...lol

At least no gambling thoughts, i am safe on this one for today:-) ( now i should say)

Thank you diary

Day at a time....for the better future

Sandra x

Hello diary,

3rd time today i'm logging in, but really feel it's for my own protection this time.....so, do feel quite low recently, dragging hours in a day to help me to go by....no intention whatsoever to do anything...what is it? tiredness, boredom...just don't feel the usual drive to carry on. Shouted at sis on a phone, nearly slapped my "fantastic" worker round the face this morning.....risking suspension and losing job......how bad can you get?.... even didn't go for a run today....and i love running.

Really strong urges...i'm in a f*** it mood, which is the worst in my case, when i think...well little random spin on slots won't hurt....just pass the time by? am i getting out of my head? i don't know what's wrong with me..maybe it wouldn't do too much damage???........

I can't believe what i'm putting down....even encouraging myself to go for it on my diary....b*****ks!

i have got blocks in place, but I've got my phone still free of blocks........but i can't remember passwords lol....which i'm so grateful at the minute...my short memory does come handy 🙂

Life is funny in a way, maybe that's why i have to stick around and make a clown out of myself.

day 103....is nothing for me...it's just today i'm trying to make the right decision.....i will make it......

That's it from me...i wont delete this post...it is big reminder for me, why i'm here...shuffling around in this crazy world....

For the better tomorrow all

Sandra xxx...........

Hi Sandra... Yes i'd suggest leaving the posts, warts and all. I seldom delete any of my posts, cos its good to look back and read how you were feeling and how you can cope with anything without gambling and even if you did gamble you could see what led to it and what you could do different the next time you may feel that way. Am rambling.

For what its worth I struggle quite a lot with the transition from work to not work and not work back to work again, especially if I haven't got much planned. I struggled last bank holiday weekend even though i'd looked forward to it all week. It can be hard when you haven't got big commitments like children.

For me I find that after a few days of not working I get use to it and then its back to work again and its a struggle. Ah such is life eh.

I'd imagine tiredness is messing with your emotional state a bit as well. Tiredness has sent me in a tailspin many a time.

Hang tough and DO go running. No gambling.. keep safe... S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra,

I can totally relate to your feelings. I cannot motivate myself at all - I know there are things I could be doing but I have just been sitting on my behind! Don't beat yourself up, at least you are addressing it and using your diary to vent.

I have had a few urges - nothing major but have just pushed them to one side. I have a new addiction - online scrabble! Been playing it loads on FB, is there a forum to help with this addiction lol?

Enjoy your time off, have a fab weekend and keep strong xxx

Hi Sandra,

I totally get you. I woke up this morning pretty much in a rage. We don't need those mother f - ing slot machines to get us through. We have eachother. And, we both know that these urges will pass. It's just the addiction s******g with our minds. You and I can beat this. We really can. We both know that a gambling stint will only make whatever is eating at us that much worse. Hang in there and write in your diary all day if you need to. -joanxxxxxx

Hey Sandra ...also can identify sooooo much with what you say..

Wrong guys? ..well step right up! I have many certificates to prove my shocking choices...

Don't delete either as I also keep my ramblings live so I can refer back to them and see how I really was that day and not now I think I was...

Thing is ...you didn't take yourself into gambling,.,you talked yourself out ..and the anger and rage I also think is healthy and part of the process of recovery..

Personally anyone who thinks they can bypass that stage of recovery ..the anger i mean...is really kidding themselves ..so you are in good company with the winners Sandra....the ones on here that also are doing that job of facing their demons and casting them out ..

As Joan said ..write all day on your diary if it helps you

R and D xxx

Thank you all for your kind words xxxx

Good morning diary,

I start realising why i get triggers....it is boredom indeed...being on my own in a house, yea fair enough an hour run a day, but then just back doing nothing...my mate i share house with come bk early tonight....we don't see each over a lot couse of work, but today we did have a honest chat.....it did start a bit sad, and some tears from me....but she is a fantastic girl and soon enough i was rolling on a sofa laughing like crazy....she is a keeper, could be comedian with her jokes.I still got light headache from it all lol...

Bless her heart, .....being here for me through good and bad....only real friends would do that..

Another day dear diary, 104 i believe...i made it through yesterday and all of the support is so appreciated it's hard to express in words....thank you all xxxx

I have got few plans in place for today, like swimming and all usual fitness regime lol, but hopefully will get me out of the house....

Take care all lovely people

Day at a time

And it's zzzzzzz time:-)

Sandra x

Morning Sandra

Well done on the 104 days getting over that 100 days is a great feeling, now ur starting to get an understanding of what ur dealing with and know what the triggers are boredom is one I also struggle with I find if u plan the day its fine but its when the unexpected happens and it throws u off track, that's where this amazing site helps the support is crucial and the reminder why we are here and what we want to achieve

Doin fantastically well so pleased for u

Castle2

Thank you castle x

Hey diary,

Sun is up, had some good sleep...passed out actually last night:-) good to get some rest. Well, no time waisted, getting ready for a day out in Butlins, a little doggy paddle time lol 😀

No urges today, it is new day and i will take the most out of it:-)

Take care all

Sandra x

Hello diary,

I am so grateful that black cloud yesterday, turned into a sunshine today. I was a little snappy to start with, but it soon cleared off...Still not sure how to address my feelings yesterday....i come to the conclusion to get a punching bag because my anger tops the lid recently.

All ok, house still standing lol 🙂

i put a lot of feelings and personal stuff yesterday, but i have nothing to hide, somehow i feel cleaner inside by getting all the poison out, and as they say, you look at things different when they are there in front of you in black and white...They somehow are more "real".

Today is a different chapter, i went Butlins, had a good swim and a laugh....you wouldn't think i'm 28 sometimes lol...still feel like teenager sometimes:)

On our way out, we had to walk past a amusement bit...and my mate seen a toy she decide to win......my "luck", it happen to be just opposite over 18"s bit with slots......i just stood there rotten to the spot....i knew i am gonna get urges, i was expecting them, and i did, but they come and gone in a split second...my mind was in order 100% 🙂

What surprised me, was attendant standing at the entry with a broad smile on his face, welcoming me in...... well....i did manage to break little smile back and politely refused the offer:)

Felt a little pride for myself, i could let it go and didn't think about it since....my mate after all didn't win the toy, cause her coins wasn't accepted lol....she gave up:)

So yea, i am good today, had a good run and just having a nice and relaxing evening....

Once again thank you all for the best support ever, i know i have got a lot of issues to address, but i want to break the habit with gambling first and try to turn my life round in time.....You don't realize how much well being means to me, and all of you offering just that for me....THANK YOU

Take care all and have a lovely weekend

Sandra x