...

Talking ! Yeah  agreed very important. 

We're not genies in bottles and shouldn't keep our feelings bottled up. So very important, albeit not something I for one practice all the time.

Agreed, 4 straight days at the gym deserves a rest 

Thanks Prs,

My heart tells me I know who you are and I usually trust my instincts so am very thankful  for your post last night. Good to "see" old faces on here. I often wonder how others are doing and how  they overcome difficult  times during pandemic.

I am sorry to read about your struggles.  Work difficulties  has been to the forefront of my mind for a very long time. I'm scared to make the leap but if we won't  try, we won't know and if present place is making you feel anxious (it does to me) then it's not the right place to spend half of your life in.

Change is scary but in most times - necessary...I do hope new path will open a lot more opportunities  and positive  experiences  for you.

Diary,

Struggled to drag myself outta pit but promised to show my face to the world today so needs must on this occasion. I think a little  bounce of thoughts  yesterday with someone  else apart from i/me/myself, has jolted me from my comfort  zone in my lil cocoon...maybe for the better as I need to talk and see more outside  my four walls.

Festivities approaching and I have two sided feelings about it. Will be on my own throughout it all as work slotted me in to be in all the time. It's OK in a way as I am not an outgoing  person and not the one to doll up and so...which usually  is expected on these occasions. But on the other hand, last two years I missed out on all the celebrations and big family days exactly  because of work. So I am a bit relieved but also saddened about this...

Right, not much else to say. I seem to go through emotions like a lightning.  Started the post in high spirits but now I am flat...lol...look at the speed of mood swings here huh...

Gym me thinks to kick-start me into motion...

Stay safe all and g free

S&B xx

Hai Samdra,

Just picking up on something you said there. 

The pandemic, new age terminology for us to to get our head around. A,few years ago it was a  austerity pandemic. In the interim it has been terror pandemics. Global warming, shoot the list goes on.

No wonder more and more people are heading into an addiction. Is it a trap ?

Personally for me, I avoided it. I did what I was told to do and kept out of all conversations regarding it. Infact with the bookies being shut, I managed to get my self in a good place and if anything became a goto person with who was struggling.

So, my long winded moral there is, albeit that I've fallen back into the trap,  an open mind and being non judgemental is a good way forward. 

Hi P, cheers

I expressed my views on pandemic already. It helped me personally however it was temporary as I notice now I reap all the backlog which comes with it. And I guess im not the only one,  I see it around by myself. 

Either way, I think stopping and taking a breather was necessary  for humanity, it just maybe dragged a tad bit longer than could of and so ultimately bit us in the backside. Not forgetting how much hurt, pain and devastation it caused to so many people....many departed too early....?

Again, it's one of those things I suppose, everyone  was affected  by it in their own way. 

Diary,

Another day with me struggling  with facing the world. Anxiety rising with the time ticking  closer to work. Why oh why do I feel like this!

We touched on my gym results. Sis is right, where are they? Am I doing  something  wrong? Yeah I eat rubbish sometimes...and sometimes  I don't eat at all (depending  on work demands).  But I'm so active with gym...so why no perfect results? Apart from nasty habit I have, I cannot think of anything stopping  me from getting  that toned shape. ?

Sigh, nothing changes if nothing changes. I know what I need to do but I can't do it by myself. And also,  I'm still fighting  back the support.  Have I been in my own rock bottom all this time refusing  to accept  it? I am not sure, I only know that this is not right. Its not the life to be lived. Cmon  changes...

S&B xx

Diary,

I think I had enough  of this vice I have. Want to stop but am petrified really. What will come with it? Am I gonna swap for yet another  addiction? Why I cannot live without some sort of escape  from reality?

I could get I touch with some AA people but I know what they will advise  - meetings.  I'm not ready for meetings  to be fair. Why? I cannot explain.  I still keep them guarded because,  oh yeah, those taken my best friend away from me!!. Strange mindset  huh, addict brain talking.

Meetings are good stuff. Honesty and hope in those rooms. Companionship and support,  no judgement. 

I just don't think I'm ready. But I just acknowledged my addiction,  they say its massive step forward.  Another fact is that I cannot do it by myself  ...so..what's  next? I think either way, if I want to succeed,  I need to accept  support  and work with it...sigh

I remember  when I went there last time, almost 4 years ago, I hardly  had what to say. I didn't  really believe I was that deep in it...oh boy, what a different story fast forward.  It did escalate.  Last time I was sober was ...ummmm...April tbis year? And only for two weeks....

So I guess the picture is clear here. Time to stop and help myself.

Anxiety and stuff is not created by work and so on, I think THIS is the main contributor to how I feel and what I have become.

Need fresh air, walk in a rain may be an answer for now...?

I want to be a better person.

Xx

Hiya... your already a good person and you defo make a great contribution to the world around you. I don't know what the answer is to your alcohol consumption, but must admit when I use to go to GA meetings I never really saw any women stay for longer than a few meetings. Maybe a room full of troubled males was a bit much for most women.

My alcohol story for what its worth, goes like this. Weekend binge drinker ages 15 to 30, occasional binge drinker 30 to 40, very occasional binge drinker 40 to 45ish.... very very occasional social drinker 45ish to my current age of 49 and three quarters. How it affected my brain and liver over all those years am not quite sure. I use to have such bad hangovers in my teens and twenties, room spinning, unable to move... the lot. Now am not really bothered by it to be honest. It seems I have grown an off switch for alcohol after all the years of abusing it.

I guess ya have to dig deep to see why you do what you do... past trauma and current stress are usually pretty high on the list i'd imagine. Try not to be too hard on yourself though. I guess there are things you can do to reign yourself in (if you want to) ie if its not in your home, you can't drink it. Am like that with crisps, biscuits, chocolate and ice cream. If its in my flat I will eat it pretty much straight away. If its not I won't. My cupboards are pretty empty most of the time.

Hugs... (((( )))) x

Awee SA...

Thank you so much. I know I need to dig deep but I'm quite scared tbf.

Always liked alcohol.  Since teens. Had my years where I just stopped (usually  picked up other vices during that time). 4years ago stopped and started meetings...can't remember  how long I was sober then.

I became proper functioning  alcoholic.  Its beyond my understanding  how I can function  altogether..one, two or three is not enough  for me. We are talking  10. ...wow...its very embarrassing  and very sad.

I just looked up recommended consumption. 14 units a week for an adult. Ashamed to say...19 units A DAY!!!. How about  that huh.

& of course money I spend....its awful really.

No wonder I'm so shot to the ground I'm struggling  to get bk up. I don't know what normal means any more. I barely remember  how a good sleep without  this toxic stuff feels..I honestly  don't ..

Not sure what happened  today but I truly want to stop. Challenges are well & truly ahead,...esp evenings, after shifts and days off. God please help me.

I messaged two people I know from meetings. None of them replied. My addictive  head is angry because it appears nobody cares but my rational  brain (whatever  left of it) says  that I am better person than that. I need help and I must not give up whilst looking  for it.

Thanks again SA X

I suppose the "no body cares" thinking is all a reaction to past events and experiences. Its certainly something I can relate to. There could be any number of reasons why those people didn't reply to you. Expect nothing from nobody and then anything else is a bonus. x

Awww, San, it's proper painful when you reach out and no-one replies. I have been there myself. As SA says, it's almost definitely not personal, they might have been struggling to cope, themselves/changed phone number/not be sure who it is as they haven't got your number saved, but do remember you.

I'm sorry you've had this experience. I think this is one of the ways in which I'm similar to you, it's hard to reach out for help. It feels like it's not OK and I get scared that no-one cares. Also, if I get the experience of no response, this feels like it further proves my belief and it hurts.

All I can say, is I never tell anyone I'm there anytime of the night or day because truthfully - some days I can support others but some days I can't cope with anyone needing me. It can feel overwhelming. I think many people are in this state also but they say the words "anytime" regardless. They make a promise they can't deliver. For me, a counsellor/therapist was a good anchor. Someone who has agreed to be there for me at least once a week. A realistically reliable person, if that makes sense.

As for the alcohol.. Well, no judgement here, whatsoever. Childhood stuff which you've alluded to, bound to be a factor. I think also, the type of work you do and long hours is bound to leave you with adrenal stress. Also, seeing the worst side of life is bound to mess with you. I was more depressed when my job involved supporting vulnerable people. I don't know how you do it.

Sending positive vibes and hugs to you.

f x

Thanks both....

I lasted 3 days. Yay! Did come with a price tho. Didn't sleep any of them. Guess it used to help me to relax and sleep better...(skipping long term harm the morning after).

Lasted 3 days because today was particularly  bad day. Left home at 6 got in half 9. That's  some shift huh!! What topped it off is my boss guilt tripping  me when I started winging about my 13th hour in where I should of been home few hours ago. He proper guilt tripped me with "oh, so...you want to leave me with no-one?"...my heart sank with "no boss" reply..."I will stay as I'm needed". The thing is, it's not my issue they have no ppl...whole organisation  is f****d! Not gonna do double  shifts cause its simply  not fair and whatever  life I haven't  got, I still got soul & body!

So yeah...mini lapse (fingers crossed).

One of the ppl I reached  out - replied. My previous  sponsor actually.  Two days later...better than never I guess. Will meet up next week for a cuppa. She wasn't aware where I am at and what I'm doing! Been long 3.5 years since we last spoke!

I never expect  much from ppl SA...no...that's why I never reach out really.  

I guess that was just a mad moment in time..desperation.

Ya know...had only one today, shattered...3 days no sleep so maybe this will help.

I will record  my progress and set backs..why not? Human being stuck in this cycle of life...let's see where I get to.

S&B xx

The guilt trip. In other words, people taking advantage of you. Have you ever notice that some people never get asked to do extra because they apply very strict boundaries over what they are pre-pared to do and what they are not... either that or they are just s**t at the job and not well liked.

Its a fine balance between supporting one's colleagues "going the extra mile" and being taken advantage of because one struggles to say "no!" Like you say, ask yourself why was it that the next shift was left short staffed.. was it because of unforseen circumstances or was it because someone in management hadn't organised the rotas properly or something similar.

Anyway... sleeep beckons. Now its your turn. Close your eyes and dream some nice dreams. Everything be better in the morning 😉

Ha SA...

Sleep beckons  indeed ..

Did another monster of the shift following  the last mentioned...10hrs turnaround  instead of 11min required...

That was quite a shift...got commendation  outta it so guess it was worth  it!!! Didn't know if I'm coming  or going  for a week but I'm on days off now so all is good!

Smashed company  car tho ? no Injuries at least!

Didn't  realise I have many discounts  on my name and so....I spent about £500 filling my boots last 3 days enjoying  the offers lol...at least  Xmas sorted now even if I never this early!!

Drink...bahh...took it steady & continuing to do so... you know...when something  makes you happy? & at peace?...cannot give those up easily.

That's  me...Happy & enjoying  fruits of life...gym comes first ??

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Had few productive  days at work recently.  Days where all the struggles I face suddenly  becomes worth it. It's  a very good and positive feeling, knowing  that you impacted  someone's  life for a better. The nice words I received  has stayed with me until now.

Life is definitely  a roller coaster.  I kind of crashed early this morning for one reason or another.  Had a little cry even which maybe was due after a long period of dry face. I missed and miss someone  dearly...someone who is still very present in my life but temporary left for a good reason..protection reason...this however  left gaping hole I my heart. Can't believe  the connection  I have. ..and to be honest dread the day when I have to say goodbye  for good. Don't know how I will manage/cope....but, let's  concentrate  on the positive,  that day is not here yet and so I must enjoy  every minute I have.

Spending.  Oh my lord!!! I think I waved goodbye 1k in a week with crazy Spending.  But....half of that was on myself! Something  I'm not used to but felt like time has come for treats....yes, my Xmas came early lol and...just maybe...good on me for finally breaking  that wall on self care and self love. This however  left me a bit shaky with what's ahead and how will I manage financially bit I am not as daft as I may come  across....I am and can be very clever gal and as long as I continue  to make right choices,  I will  bounce back in this department  in few months.

Not much else is happening. A bit lonely but long hours at work fills that time for me. Next month will be filled with intensive  training at work and I feel I am almost ready. Will see how I go. Then, run up to Xmas will be just work work work...double bubble too so that's  another reason to help me bounce bk eventually. 

Well, that's  me....work is calling...another quick turnaround  but I almost used to those.

Stay safe all.

S&B xx

Diary,

I sometimes  feel when need to take better care of myself. When I'm a bit low and struggling.  Usually  come on here or cuddle my baby girl. Today here will have to do.

Have been feeling  emotional  and teary last few days. Mother nature is one of the reasons (which appears to be completely  out of sync these days). I cried myself to sleep two days in a row..just tears.. strong emotions.

Work was a nightmare  too. I honestly think some situations  drain me and my (sometimes  positive) energy to the limit. It happened two days in a row too. Its strange how people can affect  you. Where you want to run away as far as you can from them but cannot. I call those ppl soul vampires.  Not many around but there are. 

I also thought  today about decisions we make in life. When we try to make the right ones and it sometimes  means that it makes us feel worse but it's for the better...if that makes sense. Recently  I feel this strong emotion of the same as had to make that hard decision  which saddened  me...but was all for the better on the other part. This just brought me to think of similar  situation yonks ago..broken friendship. Maybe I get the reasoning and all that now..I think I do..

Anyway, urges today. Almost bought a scratchcard to "make" myself feel better. Stopped  myself last minute,  ain't got spare money to spend anymore plus, it may trigger  something bigger...?

Really trying  to get myself to the gym..last 4hrs really but am still sat here in the kitchen  not being able to go get ready. In two minds...I need rest really as night  shift ahead plus my stomach is extremely  painful  but on the other hand, I wanted to do at least an incline fast walk or something steady (couldn't  do heavy lifting  today even if wanted to)...so I'm still thinking  what to do...decisions  hey...

Eyes are welling up again and I'm just tired of this sad feeling.  But, all I have to remind  myself is - "this too shall pass".

169 days g free, will keep it that way.

Nipped to the shop and this came on....really like this song!

Take care all...be kind to you's.

S&B xx

https://youtu.be/oGZ1PVwJyPQ

hey.... give yourself a big pat on the back for your gamble free time, your coping mighty fine.

Remember, your a sensitive soul,  you have a high stress job, you do loads of hours and am sure you often have to work with and be around people that drain you soul. Other peoples behaviours probably have a greater effect on you than the average. Same goes for me. I have a colleague whom loves to highlight any mistake I make or daft thing I do... probably as a means to boost there own flagging ego. I try to laugh it off but it does affect me and sometimes I want to cry, but struggling to do so. You are able to cry and that's a good thing. natures way of healing and all that.

No use dwelling on decisions from yonks ago by the way. How long is a yonk? 😉

...and yes, you need rest and a bit of time alone to recover from soul vampires.

Hugs from me (((( )))) x