...

Thanks SA,

Yup, next few days did follow with toxicity  reaching  top of the scale but its all under control...for today I guess. No doubt  repeated dealings will await pretty soon.

Was physically  drained having to drive around the country on one shift and wow, been to all four corners of it in speed of life lol. This however  drained me physically and I do appreciate  my rest now.

Fell out with sis again and I guess just mirrored your entry on your diary. My vibe is not always positive  and I guess she got a taste of that but man, I honestly  sometimes  just need to be left alone. Enough  of ppl, I just need peace and quiet and that's  what she does not get. Yes I know its not the right way to live but it's my messed up life and not hers. I wish she could accept it....

Stressing  with money again and it's not good. I guess its all good with spending  and treating yourself  but the backlash of it also comes round. I have enough  for bills , just miss a bit of stability/ security. Everything  just becoming so expensive and guess pressure  is felt all around. 

I guess that's  me. Pulled my back yesterday as do feel a lot of pain but want to get to that excersinig place again,I'm deffo attached  to such outlet ?

Bye  all, day at a time.

Pretty gloomy and sad day in the office.  ..out of all days, its today. ...one dies for life of yours and one dies for today with no offer of tomorrow.....and so takes away the futures.  ...messed up I say.

Not sure what else to put down.

Live with it I guess..

Little  one offers great comfort,  I appreciate  it.

No gambling. 

S&B xx

It just dawned  on me...

For the past 15+ years I was saving for my nephew's good start in life...every month I kept contributing ...

My mistake,  as I see now...is transferring  money to sis acc to pass it on. I wonder how much is left there for him...we had conversations  about it and she sounds cagey...?

I swear to God I won't be happy if she P****d all that money on her stuff!!! It's his big 18 in few years time and I honestly  am tired of paying  out...but what left??? What is left for him? All these years?..I shall dig in but it will be a major fall out if money is not there!

Rant over 

..no, not yet.. 

My parents  saved for us too...growing  up...what did I get at my 18...? Big massive f***l cause "they struggled "...they cashed in savings  long before that...meaning,  i started from scratch...a bit "ouch" but I'm a big girl, I build my life...just somehow  history  repeating  itself  doesn't  sit well with me...?..I hope she didn't  do the dirty...I remember the feeling  of being absolutely  skint on my adult years...pls sis...don't do this again for next generation...

Hi diary . 

.oh what a malarkey  above. Please ignore. Some things are out of my control and so whatever happened  with that cash, is not my stresses I should carry. My good deed was done and so be it...

It's good to log in one here and see some "lively" movement  in diaries. Sometimes  this place is like a war destructed  site. Don't think many knows what happened  to these pages but it's sad for such potentially positive & supportive  place to go out in ashes.

Yes, I take some responsibility  too as ...as we know, we, the users make this site breathe...else it don't work and so we see it with our own eyes.

Onto another subject. Back to work soon and dreading as all I want is to sleep lol...no way Jose! So let's just bring it on and sleep tomorrow. 

Just read SA's update (I think I'm no 1 reader there lol) and on the back of that can say that medical care during pandemic  truly seen the worst in it all. Remember  a mate saying  how destroying  it is to hold someone's  hand knowing  that they're  passing away and not allowed loved ones at the bedside. ...it's true, only team can pull it together cause individually  you would just break down.

Same in my job, would be lost cause without  the team. 

Saying  that I'm still looking at leaving as enough  damage was done throughout  these years and I'm not sure I want to fill this bag with even more. Mental scars does not heal...

Was looking  into care services  and SA truly  helps to get an insight in these. Sounds as challenging  as any services really. Responsibility  is immense....but just somehow  a bit different  light to my present stuff.

There are care workers needed just round the corner  from me. I'm OK with shifts as am not 9-5 person anyway. Pay is poor but opportunity  to pick up more shifts is there. So...im thinking...career change maybe? 

No changes on gambling and am staying  on the straight  and narrow. Which is really positive  in many aspects. 

Keeping active in the exercising department  and seeing more results these days. Change my routine and pushing  myself with more variety of stuff so maybe helps as it attacks muscle  groups in different  way.

That's  me I guess 

S&B xx

Hi S,

Oh, I hope your sis didn't blow that money. That would be difficult for anyone to swallow! Sorry I haven't been around, I've felt exhausted lately. 

I saw your comment on SA's post about vaccines messing with your body. It made me curious. I haven't been for my second dose because I was exhausted ever since the first. I believe in doing the right thing for the sake of society but not at the cost of my health. I'm on my own, I need to support myself. 

You are right, the world is truly going mad. I have been on the receiving end of men's nastiness through the dating app. Not in person, my gut instinct is very good. I don't meet them if I get bad vibes and just tonight, one had to be blocked from my phone, as he was ranting hate at me. I never even met him! We messaged for a few days but he was very needy, messaging constantly. I send him a polite message saying I made a mistake and I'm not ready to date, rather than ghost him which is very unkind - ranting ensued. I knew he was full of rage, I had a lucky escape. Clearly unstable.

Anyway, angels are needed everywhere, these days. If you change career, I'm sure you'll be of great help.

f x

Hiya.... You'd take a hell of pay decrease if you worked in care... and probably get just as disillusioned as me.

Great stuff on staying on the straight and narrow x

Hi SA...you would be surprised  what I am actually  paid for what I do...and so I don't think it would be a massive drop. ...but yup...still a drop I guess..

Diary,

I'm like a hamster on a wheel. Became "bat" of a person and just seem to run against the time recently.  In a way I like it, loose time concept and so no time for urges to pay a visit.

Managed gym today even if time sheddule  was extremely  tight. Don't think I had so little rest breaks between  the reps like today...lol...hopefully  will pay off with nice results!

Sister rang first thing this morning  when I got in asking to throw another ankar for her sinking  ship. I just said "yeah". ... I had no energy to argue anymore but it angers me deep down how poorly she leads her life and the s**t she actually  prioritise over bills and stuff! Like, have a look in the mirror for once! She winds me up like a  b***h sometimes  and I'm not sure what she tries to get from it....

Like...."oh, you live in that not so posh area, cheap houses and with who knows around"....and I have just say back ...quietly  in my head mind: "yes, and I love it! It's peaceful,  it's greenery around, fresh air, my own house, zero cops on the streets as no crimes and my neighbourhood  is actually  very friendly  and tight knitted"...I often want to bite back..."where do you live? Council House? Behind bills?  smoke town? Annoying  neighbours and sirens 24/7? .....I just honestly  don't  know why she bites me for no reason?!...

Rant over, not sure where this came from....maybe ...since I am a disgusting  gambler which made bad choices in the past, has stuck with her for life?...yet, how on funking earth, me being like I am, winning  in life generally?

Grrrrrr.  . ..time out...didn't  realise how actually  wound up I am.

Time for work.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Oh what a week. Don't think I did so many hours in my life! Like 16hrs shift yesterday  and I was outta my mind by the end of it. Tried to give handover  to specialist department  and just kept tripping  over my words.. slurring  really. That's how tired I was...was offered to be taken home but I managed.. somehow.  

Few hours sleep and I was up still not knowing  what day it is. Coupled with a drink or two and that was my mind gone with the ferries. Remember  tumbling  down the staircase  (few shiners  to admire today) and hugged toilet for most of the night. Sad picture  innit.  ....but.. now thinking what if I truly injured  myself and would be just laying there forever.   Scary huh!

Anyway....that's my antics.. 

Should be off bit decided  to earn some pennies. Another long one ahead.

At least no gambling  & will keep me outta trouble at home.

S&B xx

Hiya.... I can just picture you and your sister arguing. I just do what my sisters say, they know best lol

As for work, you seem to push yourself to the limit, like you push yourself at the gym. You are fit and active and what you do serves a purpose. Trouble is eventually your mind, body and soul says no, and you have a drink and hug the toilet. It is what it is but at least your not putting your hard earnt monies into a slot game. Now that's gotta be a good thing.

Thanks for your support.

Hugs S.A x

Hi San,

You really are a kind & caring soul. Trouble is your kindness is all spent on others but never yourself. Wouldn't even dream of trying to change your views or beliefs, I just hope one day a tiny bit of your beautiful nature is afforded for yourself.

Best 

AL

Hey,

Thanks both.  You're  very correct. I push myself to the limits and just recently  I am very blind to long term effects in my body/mind. Presently  I'm go go go.. just go. It has increases over the past week, not sure about such shift. Am mindful  that it's not good to me as I must of reached my limits by now.

10hrs shift stretched  to 14 again. I'm in physical  pain and head is a bit...I am close to lose the time again. I sleep poorly after nights.  Like 3-4hrs max. I guess that adds to my overall  psyche.

I had a massive scare this morning.  I almost crashed head on and this time it would of been my fault. The moment I "regained focus" was the moment when oncoming  car zoomed past. I even felt the turbulence on a car from the wind it left behind  and that's  how close it was. Back to my own lane....heart jumping  outta chest. Close call indeed.  Guardian  angels? I think someone  is looking  after me and I just don't  know the reason why.  Too many close calls in my life.

Umm, anyway. 

No gym cause I just can't  do it. (Listening  to the body SA ?).

So an early night and sleep last nights antics  away! (Hope no slips and trips on staircase ?)

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Early one today. Have had a good day yesterday  following  my proper slumber. Managed gym and cooked few bits and bobs to nourish this mind and body. Then snuggled with lil one in front of tv.

Today is another  day & another  challenge.  Hope its kind to me! 

184 days and counting.  Its mounting  up nicely again, let's keep it going. 

S&B xx

San,

I hope tomorrow is kind to you too. Don't know what happened on chat tonight but you were there, then in the blink of an eye you were gone. I'm not the brightest star in the sky so perhaps I missed something. Nevertheless whether it be by post or by chat it's always good learn of your progress. Keep posting, keep progressing & stay safe.

Best

AL

Hey, honey

I am going to take a risk of you getting cross with me, to say something. It's done with love but be angry if you want, lol, I can take it:

Sometimes the Universe gives us these close shaves to wake us up and scare us into realising how dangerous it is, to live the way we are doing. To shake us up, so we make changes before something tragic and permanent happens. The Universe doesn't give a hoot if we are doing these things from the position of a kind heart, who doesn't want to "abandon their post" when needed. I hear how short staffed you are and how hard you are working - to keep other people safe - but YOU are people. You cannot exclude yourself from the equation. It matters that you are OK. Working for so long that you are slurring your words and having near-misses on the road, is not safe. I hope you learn to say "no" a little more, to put things back into a safer balance for you and others.

f x