...

H..thanks SA...bless you and lil pooch

Diary,

Tonight  brought  some thoughts.  My last gambling  session. On bosses funeral day...sad day indeed,  nothing mattered more than an escape.

I guess most of us here have been at rock  bottom.  Where the only way left is "out".

After decent  rest I view it in different  light. I put it to the example  of a wish list...now, I don't  have it...but wouldn't  it be nice just  to walk your beloved one to the top of the mountains (even if sheep present, you would protect the disaster  by putting muzzle on), what about hearing  your parents (or loved  ones voices?)..I found its not enough  even if I speak to them every day now, what about helping  that neighbour? (She was puzzled why stranger stopped to help...yet, she did not know what it meant to me...to help...)

For a cooked dish or a bath, for a gym smiling at people,  for shopping  and letting  elderly go first...list goes on...

I am blind to all of this whilst at work. Something  takes over. I am tired (compared  to my 12hrs recent sleep), I am grumpy, snappy,fighting and argumental. 

We are human  beings,  we need rest and this "wish list" to see us through...not much asked for, very simple  things at the end of the day. ..

Before  anyone  decides to take a drastic  choice,  please allow at least a minute thought for this...simple things are out there and can be acknowledged..for you...for your wellbeing and peace of mind. It MATTERS

S&B xx

Hi diary, 

I'm trying to stay committed and disciplined to post here daily this week and so far so good. I attend both chats a day  also. Keeps me grounded and also I noticed teaches me few personal  behavioral lessons as I know my shortcomings. Discipline  and boundaries  definitely falls in these brackets.

Woke up pretty early, like half 8 but struggled  to get up. Laid there and watched lil one sitting  on bed and sunning her face looking  through the window.  That was peaceful time indeed. I'm trying  to  work out how I'm feeling today. Didn't  notch up a gear from the second  I think and guess it will stay  like that all day. A bit on a slow go. Looking  for motivation  for the gym and best get going  as they close earlier today but presently  I'm eating ?..and so, its not the best time to go straight  after food and I don't  even know why I'm eating  hot meal at this time as its usually  around 7pm (my first meal..and last for the day). 

So yup, a bit awkward day. Plus I need to check in with parents still..

Tried to update my CV as sort of applied for warehouse job but d**n thing was last opened in 2017 and my devices decided  to pack up on me and I I not able to edit file at all ?

Oh well...

So am a bit of a seesaw mood today. I think one of the reasons is time ticking  by and my time off is nearing the end. Makes me feel anxious,  not gonna lie.

Anyhow, no gambling,  252 days free, let's keep this watch ticking  on ?

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I promise,  I won't type much more soon...feel like your tired pages getting overcrowded from my thoughts. 

Lil one woke up at 6am. Asked to be let out and surprisingly  stayed out for a good 10mins. Longer than usual for a potty. Almost went out I my pjs to search for her....

Did not sleep well since so was early morning  to face. Still feel tired..

Went for a walk in the forest. Very cold and windy...spent an hour there and froze my limbs off. Noticed that dog walkers are very friendly  here. Everyone  greeted me without  a fail. Umm..not sure if appeared a bit sad or ..you know, you get worried sometimes  seeing someone  walking on their own in secluded  area...well, at least I don't like it, esp If see people on the bridge or something,  or by the sea just staring at it in the night...makes me feel concerned. 

I did think about life, where I am at now, what next and basically...just everything.  Reminded myself that I have lil one waiting  at home. 

Expenses  with the car but it is what it is. Metal boxes do rust and break eventually. 

Sister in bad place still and parents are very sick...still..

Again, imbalanced today. ..but this shall pass too

No gambling 

S&B xx

Its horrible isn't it when you don't get a good nights sleep. I had that the other night. The wind whistling through the windows woke me up. Couldn't get back to sleep so got up at 3 a.m, watched TV till 6 and then went to work. I was ok till luch time and then I was mentally f****d. The rest of the day was just pants. Went to bed at 8, couldn't keep me eyes open.

Imbalanced I relate to. Am like that all the time. Calmness never lasts long. The smile on the bus moments, as I call them, are only fleeting moments. I think we are both highly sensitive people, but it manifest in slightly different ways. We are like 15 to 20% of the population if you belief what Elaine Aron says in her book "the highly sensitive person".

Your not gambling... your doing ok x

Thanks SA, Dave...

Diary,

Been strange week. I got more satisfaction  and "chellenges" more than I do in my daily  work. I spoke up on the phone...constantly..one of my fears...concured  as it looks like. Well pleased with that. Helped few souls too, always a good thing.

Just put lil one to bed...by it I mean I took hot water bottle upstairs  and told her to go to bed...2mins later I can hear her snoring.  Strange  sense of peace over here. I know she is fed, loved, warm, safe....somehow big values in my present  life. I'm glad I can offer this to the loved one. Besides i now know what she does in a day or when I'm out - sleep!!! Yup..that's  right lol

A bit of a shook up last night with sister but my decision  making proved right...phew...was worried about  her and her safety  but managed to talk her through  step by step. She is safe & well and sleeping by now I believe.  We all have our fall downs...its good to have support  at the time of need.

I'm, myself, recovering  slowly.  As mentioned,  glad to be some sort of input  for work circs given. I almost enjoyed  it...plus kept me bust and occupied.  No time for self pity...let alone gambling. 

Today was a bit of a change. I felt a bit stressed. My good offer of support  was taken advantage  of. Triggered me. Immediately.  I sense these. But I shall deal...Will deal tomorrow.  Its just not right as you cannot pile s**t only cause one is on a bit of restricted  duties for a week. This was poor and they know it.

.

Anyhow,  I had good few days...let's look at the bright  side yeah...

Trying  to keep beat up...please god allow me this going  forwards ?...just, at least to keep my cool...

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Keep your cool.... ya know you can do it.

Cool as a cool cat 😉 x

Cool...bahh...I have no senses SA.

Peed off now. Many issues around me I put brave face on about. Deep down its constant...in works shall we say, never ending.

I tried to talk to someone  on 1 to 1 since chat failed  me few times today...now, they say and urge ppl to contact  them but ...he'll...I cannot get through..past 3 weeks (once a week mind ya)...so ...if others cannot  get through,  that's  bad...but deep down I guess they flag  some "users"...which would be wrong  really...

Anyway..just needed to talk....else I will shout lol

Truly feel like exploding  but again...SA..your "cool cat" makes me stop just for this minute.

d**n my life, I really hate it

Ah, thanks Dave....

Yes, anger seems to rear its ugly head occasionally.  To be honest I am out of control with these episodes and so it is what it is..

Regarding "inner child". She is no longer here ...within me. Let my inner hurt girl go long time ago, well before I faced tragic in my life and repeated stuff I come head to head with wayy too often. Inner child does not need to see, feel and experience  that precise pain...so, it's easier to let go other than hold on and do vicious circles in trying to heal but failing  miserably  each and every time making inner child hurt all over again.

Inner child may be lost and unprotected but it was my choice.  Since inner child is not being healed, i no longer require the healing for myself.

Hope this makes sense.

Take care

Diary,

Went onto detox for a week. Just knew I kinda reached the point and couldn't  go on as I did. As predicted  my fears regarding  sleep struggles proven right and I guess I went through  withdrawals  for a few days. Felt like in "twilight" zone as honestly  felt awake hours on end however my sleep tracker shows that I did sleep, albeit many intervals of rem & light sleep with many awake moments. Still doesn't feel right when I go to bed as I just feel wide awake!

Picked up a book and almost half way through  it. Good read indeed. I neglected  my favourite  past time for good few years...so it's good to get back into it.

Find days extremely  stretched  out too. Especially  evenings.  Concentration  is disturbed and I can hardly watch anything  on TV...maybe it will pass.

Work was strange  too. A lot more clear headed and not going 100mph in my head. Kinda more rational  thinking ..which is good I suppose. I'm not panicking  as much. A lot calmer and collected  in some tricky  situations. Some may say I'm not "attached/connected " to them, but for me it's more like zero panic mode. So yes, I guess this new thing this week helped in some respect.

Does not mean that I didn't have challenges..oh yeah, they never stop coming,  I'm just dealing  with them differently I suppose. 

Am a lot more at ease on the walks too. I guess I was very anxious  whilst full of intoxicants  in my blood stream...as we know it takes few days for them to clear out. So now we have more relaxed  walks and even wonder back to the forest..my and lil girls favourite  place to be!

Gym ...found it a struggle  and not sure why. Not sure if I expect miracles  with energy going through  the roof since I no longer abusing  my body. Was a bit opposite, every exercise  was a struggle  ?..but I managed them regardless.

So yeah, ...well..it wasnt clean clean week and I had one after work yesterday  and a day before...but...not 10! So little change being made indeed...need to take care of this body!

I eat more and appetite  shot up at every hour of the day. I shall take it, I hardly ate for past two years.

As of gambling..no issues there, 270 days free...nearing that year mark! May long it continue. 

Weather is threatening  our safety so pls, stay in unless absolutely  necessary  to leave the house. Mother nature is not kidding...roads were devastating  last night and I guess more to come over the next few days.

Thats me.

Stay safe & committed. 

S&B xx

Hiya... good for you with the detox. Glad to read that its having some positive benefits. Interesting to read about the sleep tracker thing. I might invest in something. I am a very light sleeper. I am awake often throughout the night. Its not good.

Anyway a good read. Lots to muse on and learn from

Take care.. S.A x

Thanks SA! Didn't last long as had 5 yesterday  ?..but still progress and my aim is to stay clear at least for working  weeks so shall see how I get on. The thing  is, and I knew it from day one, I cannot  achieve full abstinence  on my own. Old proven truth,  so until I ready to reach for help, I can only do my best on my own. This is not perfect  but better than it was and so I shall take these extremely  little steps and small wins in my stride.

Skipped gym last few days but gotta commit to session today because if I leave it any longer, it will be very hard to get bk into it. So best have a kick up my backside now lol.

Diary,

Sister is struggling  big deal and I'm trying  to be there for her as much as I can. She git herself  in right financial mess but I truly hope that the lessons are being learned and she wakes up now...stays low, saves hard and realises that lent money always has to be paid back...with interest netherless.  I told her to start learning  different  way of life. I think she knows that herself.  The road was very stressful  for her for the past month but I think now she is coming  through  this all, and am glad, I was some sort of support  along the way a d greatful she felt she can trust me enough  to share the struggles  and overall  situation. 

Got few fences I need yo put up (o*g prices of fences shot right up this year!) but was staying  put until this storm passed as didn't want to do a flyer around the bkock together  with the fence! Plus I need some muscles ?  to actually  put the fence up lol....single girl's  life for ya...can get extremely  challenging  sometimes.  

Parents facing some health challenges  too...and to be fair, the year started  on wrong foot for many by the sounds of it so am just hoping  that going  forwards....things will pick up for people. 

Right, enough  blabbing, walkies in the rain and gym awaits!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Ummm.  A bit messed up time in the world huh. Last two days hit me real bad...the memories.  I was about 5yrs old when the siren was screaming all around our country in feb 16th 1991...its the day to remember.  That day we got our independence back from Russia. 

I hear the siren on the news now and it just brings that fear and hopelessness  and confusion  over. I remember  like today, my dad leaving home and my mum staying in with me and my sister. I remember  tv going blank  and some sort of message on it probably  stating that there is no coverage.  I remember  mum crying and me and my sister very scared not knowing  where dad went. ...I did not k ow then, that he, same as many men, went to the parliament  to fight for our country's  freedom. 

Now it's like history  repeating  itself. Someone's  greed is costing  lives and freedom. It's very sad times. ..and we are indeed lucky to be where we are now.

Right OK ...sadness aside.....

I work hard and long hours. I pick up overtime  every week now and honestly  can say I am on a hamster wheel. Why? Maybe cause prices is creeping  up & maybe i need to keep myself  occupied  so I don't  get drawn into my addictions...and most probably  - both. ..and so I work, I stress, I get hurt, I get fed up, I get angry and I get sad ...I cry, smile, laugh, swear and hold my thought, breathe and make rational decisions.....I do what any person would do in my position...I am holding  on and moving  on to the best of my ability. I am trying to make a better life for myself and everyone  around  me.

.

Had urges recently..for both vices but am staying  strong (not 100% with Mr A tho). 

Still slack with gym but purely cause I have no time or energy.  Time management  is a bit out of the window.  The only time I manage my time is around my lil girl who still gets everything  every time. Most importantly my love and time I have to spare.

I don't  know what else to say. I hurt emotionally  today. I want to go and kick few walls to get my anger out about  the wrong in the world!!!...but I know this would not change anything  and so...I better say a prayer instead....??

No gambling.  Stay safe all

S&B xx

Gamcare  is officially  f****d up. Nobody answers calls, chats doesn't  work, Forum dead....

Nobody gives a f**k!

Glad I offered time & support  for others during  my time on here...sad but, seeing the "organisation " it has become.   ...lamest glad to see a way out of this malarkey. 

GC...be ashamed..  killed the forum spirit here for a good while, well done!!

Chat is working ok, seen you join tonight but not talk, maybe its your devices. But chat definitely works. Also I have no problem getting through, just need to wait as there so busy, but eventually you'll get through.

They have so many members and so many non members reaching out for help, that the lines are sometimes at breaking point.

Keep trying, you'll eventually get through. Hope your ok. 

Stace

Hi @sb28 

I'm really sorry you have been having trouble getting through to us.

If you aren't able to get through to us, I would encourage you to keep on trying. Chatroom is running and is open daily at 1pm and 8pm.

If you are having difficulty logging in or accessing the chatroom, please email us at forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk. 

We are here to support you.

Best wishes,

Fay

Forum Admin