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Hi diary,

What a chance to log in and see the counter at 400 days! YEEESSS! 400 days no gambling  online! What a bliss and yes, looks like it is possible ?

Well, am on holiday  now and caught up on pretty decent  sleep last night. Very...peaceful  I should say.

I think one of the reasons is me changing  my routine a bit. Let me elaborate. 

Since lil girl was attacked which was two years ago, I got very overprotective,  anxious and also terrified  of walks. I looked up every place possible  to walk her in isolation. What I failed to see for such a long time is that not only me gets more isolated and in "defence" if random dog appears from nowhere but i made lil one very ....isolated too. Good intentions,  yes, but it's not life for her nor for me.

I've taken her to a park with limited space to run..I wouldn't  let her off the lead..I think I will never do that to be fair...just in case..I got a long lead for proper outdoor space and so it's win win for her to run and for me to still have control  of her.

But last 5 days I said to myself - ENOUGH. I cannot deprive her from outdoors, senses, smells, exploring...

And so I bought a muzzle which I am introducing  to her on intervals during walks and for some reason it made me feel more relaxed because if I see a dog approaching,  I know I'm in a lot better control and since lil one is not keen on dogs since the attacks, it provides me more assurance  that any aggressive situation  may be avoided.  Yes we walk across the road, yes I sit her down and get treats out for her to focus on me for a while...I simply do anything  I can to make the walkies the most pleasant  experience  possible.

So for the past 5 days we have 3 walks a day..and not 15 min ones. We walk all over, we visited places where we used to go which I learned to see as a risk before,  we explore and get off our feet for a restful sleep afterwards..

I feel a lot better. For me and her. I reintroduced  her to the outside world. People...she loves humans...nature, all those smells..

It's not perfect  of course, but it's a massive step forward  for me. I know that....even if its later, I am still giving  her back everything  I deprived her from due to my fear and anxiety.  I'm sorry baby...mummy thought  she is doing it right by you trying to protect you. ..but I didn't..I just made you more isolated  than before. No more of that, we will get through  this together!

Yesterday  I did 30k steps collectively  with gym and being after nighshift.  Never felt better for it..truly didn't. 

Besides I love 5 am walks too if I finish at 4am.....so so peaceful  out there, world is a beautiful  place if we brave ourselves  to venture out and explore. 

I used to not to take her out at all after those shifts, garden for a potty and that's  it..well, no more! Half hour later for bed or more it's minimum loss compared to what I see on her happy face after a fresh walk!

Peace out xx

Hi diary,

Long time no speak. Back from holiday and had a good time. A bit stressful and tiring as expected  but everything  is good when ends well.

There were  a lot of dogs round there...on occasion  more than people so it really kept me on my toes walking my lil one. I'm glad Ive had support  from family members  who taken the lead and allowed me to take breaths and walk beside them cause my stress levels were truly rocket high. ...

We went to the ocean. We had a play on the beach. My heart was and is still smiling seeing  little one enjoying herself. She is truly my sun and light. 

I continue to stand by my words and promise to allow her life she deserves. I suck my fear up, deep breaths, relax and off We go for walks. We just did an hour walk and both feeling  better for it. 

I always said how strong human mind is. You become what you think you want to be. Mind is the steering wheel to the outcomes of your choices, your future. Mind builds everything  around you as well as demolishes it if you allow it. It all starts from within...Mind. 

If its poorly, you are poorly, you make wrong choices and so on. If its healthy, you thrive too,...its just amazing thing to have really! And we all have minds...such a massive resource of opportunities ?

I did go to arcade when away. 2 quid spent and didn't like it at all.. not sure why I went I in the first place. There were few establishments there and it did draw my attention time to time but those two quid ended where it started. Not sure how it would of been if I went away on my own tho. Probably  different story. Felt shame in giving into temptation but it has passed now. I'm good, I'm truly OK.

Take care all.

Xx

Hi diary,

It's good to be back home. I'm not doing much, just resting. I should do some gardening or deep cleaning but I just feel I need to do nothing.  It's my time to recoup energy and rest. I am using this time. I spend it with my lil girl. We went on the adventure this morning and came back flat out. Its so nice to go for long walks, I'm a lot more relaxed also. I know that whatever energy I carry transpires onto her too. 

I've spoken to a wonderful soul yesterday who unfortunately goes through darkness. She accepts help and hearing it is truly music to my ears. I was very concerned about her and the trauma she witnessed and the aftermath of such horrendous event. I am very pleased she is on the right path to recovery . The burden which was put on her is very unfair but I find that in this life, the most wonderful  people carries the biggest pain. Not  sure why is that? Is it because they have a strength of a lion? It's still not fair....why good people suffers the most?

Anyway,  I am here for her and she knows it and thats the main thing. She asked me how do I deal with trauma and yes, I do have access to support services if I feel I need them. Yes I did take the offer of few occasions and yes, it did help. I can't say enough  how important it is to talk..to share...this is the only way to understand ourselves  better and process something  what nobody should ever have to deal with. Professional help is paramount. 

Only with understanding and acceptance you can start building  path ahead. Things are not gonna be as they were before, they will be different however person themself becomes slightly  different than they were also. 

Life's  experiences shapes us the way we become. I just wish those experiences  would be more positive  and forgiving. Not always the case...

Sigh...

It's OK not to be ok.

No other concerns to report at this time.

Stay well fellow soldiers 

Xx

Hi diary,

It's good to be back home. I'm not doing much, just resting. I should do some gardening or deep cleaning but I just feel I need to do nothing.  It's my time to recoup energy and rest. I am using this time. I spend it with my lil girl. We went on the adventure this morning and came back flat out. Its so nice to go for long walks, I'm a lot more relaxed also. I know that whatever energy I carry transpires onto her too. 

I've spoken to a wonderful soul yesterday who unfortunately goes through darkness. She accepts help and hearing it is truly music to my ears. I was very concerned about her and the trauma she witnessed and the aftermath of such horrendous event. I am very pleased she is on the right path to recovery . The burden which was put on her is very unfair but I find that in this life, the most wonderful  people carries the biggest pain. Not  sure why is that? Is it because they have a strength of a lion? It's still not fair....why good people suffers the most?

Anyway,  I am here for her and she knows it and thats the main thing. She asked me how do I deal with trauma and yes, I do have access to support services if I feel I need them. Yes I did take the offer of few occasions and yes, it did help. I can't say enough  how important it is to talk..to share...this is the only way to understand ourselves  better and process something  what nobody should ever have to deal with. Professional help is paramount. 

Only with understanding and acceptance you can start building  path ahead. Things are not gonna be as they were before, they will be different however person themself becomes slightly  different than they were also. 

Life's  experiences shapes us the way we become. I just wish those experiences  would be more positive  and forgiving. Not always the case...

Sigh...

It's OK not to be ok.

No other concerns to report at this time.

Stay well fellow soldiers 

Xx

Aghhrrr..

Lost all the typo I just done. 

Well, maybe meant to be. Who reads these rambles anyway.

Awaiting till its cooler outside so I  can take lil one for a walk. Its too hot today to excerice her so we shall wait.

I tried a dating app however struggling.  Seems like I click with someone  but then conversation  just drifts away. Sort of none of us a ready to put some work into it and it's just "ah well, if you don't  reply, Im not gonna loose sleep over it". It is harder the older I got. Truly is. I think the independence teaches to adjust to single life and take care of yourself. I'm still not up to short relationships "for fun". I see many are but, for some reason just does not sit well with me.

I guess that's me. Was watching  "Widows" last night and only half way through  so may put that back on.

Early alarm for morning  walk as we were lazy bums today and so had to skip first walk due to the heat. 

Else is ok, I'm here, safe and well. Enjoying  the gift of life which was gifted to me.

Take care all

Xx

Hey up diary,

Me again. I seem to rally around with posting and then take some breaks. It's OK, I guess whatever works for individual.  Plus I clearly have too much time on my hands and being stuck in my own head is not always a positive thing.

Soo, we missed 3 alarms but got up with the fourth. 0805. Brilliant timing as we were out and about by 0915. Just got back and lil one is gently snoring in her lil bed.

It's still morning and I have full day ahead of me. Contemplating gym but struggling  with such thought.  Maybe will stay in the garden and do some weeding. There is not much left to do apart from purchasing some plants/flowers. im not good with those. It's a shame as garden would look so much more vibrant. 

What else....hmmm, got some plans for tomorrow and I guess its mixed emotions for most of us. Day to celebrate but also sad day as there is going to be a massive empty hole. Things are different but move on we must.

No other concerns to report.

Xx

Hi diary,

Guess who is back!?

Yup my daily check in since I still have a lot of time on my hands. Another hot one out there and lil one is already  sunbathing ?

I tried a dress on this morning as have to go to places later on and was very disappointed as it didn't  fit. No wonder, last time I wore it was 4 years ago...wayy before I started bulking  up on my arms, shoulders,  back. This seems to be the issue now as my upper frame is slightly  too big for the petite shape I used to have. Not sure where I went wrong and maybe just need to drop some of that weight/muscle.

I'm not a dress person anyway but I will have to grin and bare buying another one. Sis will come to help and I thought to myself that at 37 I know nothing about fashion, dresses or high heels. People would say, do what you feel most comfortable with. Which I agree...but not gonna rock up somewhere in shorts or jeans and converse trainers on. 

Deep down feel like I am trying to fit in. It's never a good sign. I'm accepted the way I am but something just doesn't click inside...why I am different from other classy ladies? 

Ahh, enough of these thoughts.  Will put my mind in messed up place before time.

We went for cool night walk last night.  Swim in the river for lil one at 2300 hours ?...very refreshing indeed!

Flying urge today but guess cause I got my knickers twisted due to the today's event.

I will be fine. 

Sometimes you need to get out of comfort zone to experience life out there...socialising. 

Xx

Diary,

I'm feeling sad today. Just down and want the day to end already. Was up at like 11ish too...which means I failed all the alarms going to get up for walkies. No excuses  that we got back late last night.

So lil one still not walked. In fairness she did not drink or eat at all today, nor she went for a potty. She is either laying  inside or showing her face in the garden briefly until I ask her to go back in as it's wayy too hot. 

Concerned-yes....but maybe its the heat affecting  her like that. At least I would like her to drink...Will see how day progresess really and I shall reconsider my options as we go along.

Yesterday was strange and out of place day. I kind of showed my face to the "party" upon request  of one soul who I care deeply for. I thought  we will have chance to talk and catch up however they were not up to talking.  Can't blame them. It's difficult  for one and what matters is good intentions  and showing  support by simply being there.

A lot of uncomfortable  smiles for photos and I wanted it all to end as soon as possible as well as many others I believe.

The main heart of the gathering  was not there and it was imprinted in all of our faces.....& souls.

Ummm..yeah. I also fell asleep on the sofa last night. I rarely pass out and surprised my head still attached to the neck as I fell asleep sat up ?

Ohh, I hear a ice cream van dropping by & this definitely one thing lil one will never say no to!

Gotta go, stay safe all

Xx

Hello San.

Maybe you weren't the life and soul of the party but there were many occasions when you were the life & soul of my recovery in the early days of me finding this place. I remember Saturday afternoons you stayed on chat longer than you intended, not so save your own soul but to talk some sense into me, when temptation raised it's ugly head.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Hi Al,

Thanks a lot for dropping by. I am glad I was able to help you in one way or another...you are doing really well and should be so proud  of your achievements!it can be done and you are clear proof of that ?

I am never a soul of the party ...I keep myself very much so in line and alert, more so now as I aged. The soul & life of the party wasn't there and that was the saddest cloud covering the sunny day. Her life was taken away from her ..dreams, goals, smiles, hope, connection, love. Everything  wiped away and snatched from the loving world in a matter of minutes. Our supergirl  is not with us but will always stay in our hearts and memories. 

Diary,

Back in the saddle so to speak and falling back into the routine of disruption  of my life and schedule. Never mind, needs must.

Can't wait to work in this heatwave...God protect us all!!

No other concerns to report. No gambling  issues. I am balanced out presently so just trying  to keep that scale in the middle.

Stay safe all

Xx

Hi diary, 

Survived this last few hot days and welcoming a bit of cooler breeze ?

Not been to the gym for the past 12 days (yeah that's right!) & thinking today is the day to give myself a little push...tough going but I really need to get bk to it!

Not much else changed in my life. Still no joy in finding the one and online dating sites just proves how many strange ppl joins and their intentions.  Still not giving up hope as surely there must be genuine souls around.

Umm, no gambling or stuff to report.  Life is ok on its terms and could be a lot worse.

Ciao for now!

Xx

Hi diary,

Well another week passed...I still seem to work lol..just no rest! There is really ...maybe 5 days ago I had a breather but guess cause work is extremely  busy and I'm like a hamster on the wheel for crazy amounts of hours, it feels like I am always there.

Ummm, bad news is I completely stopped self caring. For me part of self care was gym. I say was cause I am not going anymore. Well, I would like to but wanting is not propelling me enough  to actually  do it. Not sure if its depression or something  but I have zero zest for life...personal life. 

Same clothes day in day out, same routine...zero desire to "live & socialise ".

So here we go, I think in a strange way I I beating  myself up here. Maybe I scared to put a lot of weight on, maybe I'm not believing  myself that with hard work I can get back into the shape I once was...I believe that really, I just don't want to do that hard work.

On a flipside, we walk a lot more now. Maybe its a reason also as I get a bit too tired after walks for the gym. Today tho was no excuse  whatsoever  as I had full 10hrs to find an hour for the gym. Yet I chose do nothing.  Garden all overgrown too..I couldn't  be bothered  with that either.

Hoovered  the house...so maybe that's something.  

I think the bad choices/habits I keep making/having is actually  showing their ugly faces now. I knew it will happen sooner or later and I think I driven myself in this state fully knowing the results. It's difficult  being a ******** & I know the end outcome...yet.......

I thought  about gambling  yesterday  actually.  On the lines of, d**n, ..I am truly doing great and only two tiny slips in over 400 days. I remember  I used to beat myself up ages ago for having  a slip...ya know what, I will take two-3 slips a year which not even breaking the bank rather than try and be perfect for the world. It's not as if I give myself permission  to gamble. It's showing that slips is not the end of the world as long as one bounces back and gets clear head back on. 

So that's me, work (again) is beckoning. 

Xx

Hi diary 

Sigh...grim days really. Yesterday  heard this awful news (it's printed all over the news) which triggered  extremely  traumatic  memories from almost 2 years ago and today find out that I know the family  involved also. Cannot get any worse can it?

This is second  traumatic  stuff I go through  in the last 3 months...when will it stop?  

This year has been horrendous  for sure. ..and for quite few ppl.

I sent loads of money to parents today...why? Cause I love them and want to support  them and ....its money spent on a good cause rather than gambling...because I'm at that stage...but, I have broken triangle and have no money to waste. Good move I say.

Nothing else from me. Shall sit in my own head with my own thoughts. 

Xx

Diary,

Bearing  in mind how "zero" audience this platform attracts these days, I was surprised  of the cockiness  of an advisor this morning.  But let's bury this sad experience. 

Week was and still is a bit tough.  Not gonna go into details tho. 

Most importantly I didn't give into the evil  huh! ..plus..bonus...I have like 17hours

 spare for my  daily life..that must he some gift for sure. What to do with the time? How to fill mind to set it to sleep?

Answers I the post pls.

Stay committed and true to you all. You are the base of mechanism to set the wheels rolling.  ......recovery is your aim...with or without  support   you can do it!

Diary,

Having a tough few days. Questioning my existence  again and it's just difficult.  Just too intense thoughts which are negative, soul is disturbed.

I think it's partially  to do with too many work hours and very stressful week at work with no staff. I had my "roaring" moments more than I usually have, but ..I just say how it is...maybe need to rein it in but then again, it will boil inside until it explodes so I just say my frustrations as I go along.

Also, I thought I connected  with someone from that dating website...whatever...but the person does not reply anymore. This, again set me back because  ...that hurt of rejection.  Oh I hate those...brings my childhood  memories back.

And so I am, Questioning my worth. 

Not the best of headspaces really.

On a positive note, still same £32 I think spent on gambling  over the past 400'odd days...I shall take it, it hasn't broke the bank.

That's me. Sad, unsettled,  rejected....again.

S xx