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Hi diary,

Long time no speak.

Things are good over here. I have transformed to this positive, smiley  and bubbly person. The energy for life and accomplishments has rocketed sky high and I'm sorting a lot of things out I have put behind previously.  

The gorgeous  person I have met, truly making difference  to me and my wellbeing/outlook. Cannot say I'm in love as it's early days but, hand on heart, the way I feel I haven't felt for all my life. Connection is unreal and sometimes  struggle to keep my focus at work as my thoughts are with the person almost 24/7 ?..on the other hand, I am still excelling with my work skills and my attitude changed accordingly. 

I was hitting lows this year like never before but my baby has sparked my life and I will be forever  grateful. 

I guess, we as human beings  cannot give up on ourselves. Never ever! Very true that unexpected  may be just around the corner. And yeah, sometimes  it takes years to build up and be in the right place the right time to find that soul but wait is definitely  worth it! 

The only issue I have is this white lie about my past tho. Whilst sharing life and previous experiences,  I I mention few inspiring people from here and when I am asked how did I meet them, that's then I go on defence and say old friends of friends...not good of me, I know and one day I will tell her about my past mistakes and how I got where I am in life but as mentioned above, its still early days.

Have no urges whatsoever.  Not even a thought about this nasty addiction.  I found love for life. There is a lot to do and achieve going  forwards and it's never too late for new goals.

Hope everyone on here are staying  safe and well. Be kind to yourselves and never loose hope because good things still happens and new opportunities are here if we choose to see them. If you fall, stand back up and try again. Sometimes it takes couple of goes to get things right ?

Xx

Hi diary,

Weekly update I suppose ?

Life is not perfect in any way. However I'm not looking  for perfection.  In struggles and challenges we find our strength..and so we move on step by step. Was/am a bit poorly health wise but I continue  to march on and fulfil  my life to the max.

Also am accepting medical help cause I know I need it to get me back to my 100% strength. 

Still feel madly committed to this new found relationship and man...isn't life so much easier when you have someone  to share it with? It is...a lot easier and a lot more fulfilling and just..peaceful! The soul I have found grounds me. I'm not reactive as I used to be, I'm a lot more calmer and reasonable  person.

I'm still looking at achieving more goals in life and quite big part pushing me on, is this exceleration of unity and bond. 

I accept I missed many years of my prime life but it is what it is. It was needed. Universe dished out my cards (excuse the punt). If I ever knew I will be where I am mentally/physically/emotionally...I would give 10 more years of my life away. And that is it..I am still very happy and very alive person! 

May long this continue!

No nasty addiction  to report

Peace & love all xx

Ps..clock says 499 days...(40 quid spent in slips on that time? I shall take it 100%)

Hi diary,

Weekly update I suppose ?

Life is not perfect in any way. However I'm not looking  for perfection.  In struggles and challenges we find our strength..and so we move on step by step. Was/am a bit poorly health wise but I continue  to march on and fulfil  my life to the max.

Also am accepting medical help cause I know I need it to get me back to my 100% strength. 

Still feel madly committed to this new found relationship and man...isn't life so much easier when you have someone  to share it with? It is...a lot easier and a lot more fulfilling and just..peaceful! The soul I have found grounds me. I'm not reactive as I used to be, I'm a lot more calmer and reasonable  person.

I'm still looking at achieving more goals in life and quite big part pushing me on, is this exceleration of unity and bond. 

I accept I missed many years of my prime life but it is what it is. It was needed. Universe dished out my cards (excuse the punt). If I ever knew I will be where I am mentally/physically/emotionally...I would give 10 more years of my life away. And that is it..I am still very happy and very alive person! 

May long this continue!

No nasty addiction  to report

Peace & love all xx

Ps..clock says 499 days...(40 quid spent in slips on that time? I shall take it 100%)

Nice one. Peace.

Hi diary & thank you Freda,

So dropped by purely cause had to share me confessing my addiction  to my sweet baby. We got talking about it yesterday and I did spill out that I was actively gambling for a few years.  Cannot brush it under the carpet, I have addictive personality and challenges do come now and again. There was a pause..but appears like she accepted it. Am pretty sure monitoring  will come into place but since I have nothing to hide, my soul rest peacefully. 

Watched good movie also. "Luckiest girl alive" or similar on Netflix. Not gonna lie, felt the pain actor so brilliantly played to viewers and had to turn away couple of times due to the same but I'm very happy that the message is not forgotten and being passed onto other generations and society.  I never reported anything,  it does haunt me occasionally but I also strangely made peace with it all also. Its like different  dimension I live in. Past is left in the past, across the pond...buried away. 

Besides, I continue to deliver the help and support  to other hurting souls who goes through the same. Maybe that's how I also manage to to juggle my own feelings also, by helping others to reach for that justice.

Nothing else from me...safe & well and A LOT better with physical health...ohhh..and emotional..I think I may be falling in love ?...just something I never felt before! 

Xx

Hi diary,

Wow, been a while since I paid a visit huh..life seems to pick up pace and I know I had busy life previously,  now it's a lot of planning  and fitting  stuff in ?.

Very much so back in shape with the gym and may long it continue cause even I started to like my body lol. 

Life is good, it's..peaceful,  romantic and loving. I know that it can also be short and so, I think that's why I am living  it now. Taking it in ...simple as. Just enjoying  the moment. 

Seen many beautiful  places, felt many wonderful  feelings...what else I can ask for? ...exactly...nothing whatsoever...just health for my loved ones.

No urges..haven't been for a while. My mind is pretty occupied  with other...better, meaningful things ?

Stay safe all, take care x

Hello San,.

Glad you popped in & updated me & other users. An important reminder for me personally that recovery isn't all about improving your own life but watching others being happy. I returned from a 3 day break in the Lake District yesterday. relaxation. time to think & realizing I'm not the only one who's suffered. . Couldn't even message or Whatsapp anyone to share my thoughts of joy due to terrible signal. Maybe that's what made it extra special.

I'm going up the wooden hill right now to bed,& no doubt I'll sleep well knowing your life is better as is mine. Knowing you're not gambling, found someone to share & explain the pain & suffering addiction brings us.  You're a true inspiration & I sincerely hope the relationship continues to go from strength to strength.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Thank you so much Al, means a lot! I've been to breathtaking Peaks last week. Words cannot describe how mother nature can bring such peace and clarity to one's soul just by spending some time in her surroundings ?

Diary,

I truly feel a transformed person. Its unreal how letting the fear go and allowing changes into your life can impact you positively. 

It definitely starts with you. Like/love yourself and watch yourself  grow into this new persona you didn't realise existed.  Smile is catching,  world is deffo a better place with more smiles around ?. I feel there is no stopping  me in achieving what I want from life. There are no more what ifs or doubts in my decisions.  Why? Because I know they're good and positive ones which allows me to progress and succeed. With loving myself more, I am letting confidence grow also. Plus that smile...its like icing on the cake, it brings possibilities over and good vibe to boot.

How can the right person turn ones world upside down is beyond my understanding  but its so so true, that the right person can only build you up instead of dragging you down.

I think I found that person and I truly truly hope I'm allowing  the same growth and happiness in return.

The life I live now is the life my soul was longing for all my life. I got there, eventually!

Never give up on giving  up ❤

Xx

Hi San, 

A counsellor once told me wallowing in self pity won't conquer my addiction. Wow how right she was. I now know part of recovery is finding the ability to see other peoples aspects & understand they feel the same pain. That's how I know I'm heading in the right direction, not just understanding your pain but feeling the joy of sharing your happiness. Guess what AL. ?, you ain't the only victim of addiction. Keep posting your positivity is infectious, love yourself, love your partner & love life.

Sometimes my wife is worn out when she gets home, dog walk, preparing evening meal then maybe watch a 9pm Drama. Often little conversation. It's bliss, no more sly looks from me thinking if only you knew the damage I've done today. Boring to some bliss for me. I'm content, at peace & happy so basically I feel all the things I want you to feel. A few days away without the worry of knowing a direct debit is due to come out of my bank that I don't have the funds to finance. One day at a time.

Best Wishes

AL

Diary,

They say when heart is happy, head is happy too...I know that I was very happy recently and basically radiated the energy and light around me. My heart was happy...truly was. Never felt so energised and up for things in my whole life!! World also seemed a better place.

Why I talk past sense?...my heart is broken, just like that. I guess I will never change no matter how hard I try and my old traits will continue to rear their ugly heads. That's why I think I'm better off on my own. Just a lone soul so I don't hurt anyone. 

The knock on effect last few days I have taken is simply unexplainable.  I am trying  my hardest to get bk up and carry on, but I now know that the feelings I had were very strong as I'm just a bit of a mess really now.

At the stage where I think its OK to completely  crash in order to be able to rise again. But I also don't believe I can rise again..well, not to such highs anyway.  Who knew that happiness  can bring so much to one's (and others) world and sadness....probably  double that...oh my poor heart, ..its emotional pain as well as physical. 

Work had us on our knees also recently  which doesn't help. Absolute nightmare,  yet...we shall march on

I just don't know how to carry on once again after this. This is way more than I can put into words. 

How to look forward  for the day? How to maintain wellbeing and look, how to ...smile?..I don't know how to do that because heart hurts and its all over my face and mind....

I have to stay strong on big G escape. Its a Absolute  must. It does not and cannot be involved in my crash before I can allow to rise myself again.

Feel very very lonely in this world. Its difficult to try and contain tears when they're welling so hard in my eyes. But I must...just must carry this weight until it gets easier, day by day. Please God make it easier going forwards..I truly need it now more than ever, this truly destroyed  me.....

Hi San,

We're here for you, no matter what. A problem shared you know the rest. If & when you're ready we're listening.

Best Wishes

AL

Sorry to read you are in so much pain.

I know when I try to carry on and function, in these circumstances, it feels brutally hard. 

I wonder what you could do to be the most compassionate to yourself, in the coming few days. What does your inner child need permission to do? 

take care,

f x

https://youtu.be/mzvOn3bMXV0

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@sb28 It isn't the end, I know it feels like it. Please keep yourself safe. You're precious. I'm here x

Hi San, .

There's no hurry & whatever it takes. Lick your wounds, rest & return. The emphasis being on RETURN. You're missed, your support is vital but most importantly it's unconditional. We're ready to give back a piece of what you've given over the years.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL