Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Hiya blondie try not to let yourself get to down about it all. It's most likely just a phase. The weathers not been great. January is usually a long boring month after all the madness of Christmas and that's probably all it is. I'm sure you'll be bouncing back to your normal self before you know it. Keep posting your feelings tho don't bottle anything up and you'll get through it. Take care blondie.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Blondie. I hope my very long post did not have too much of an adverse affect on you!! I think sometimes it's no fun being a (menopausal) woman. I have in the last several months (apart from my usual anxious state from gambling) felt like you have and just the other day, my sister-in law who is similar age to me, commented that she had started to suffer from panic attacks, she thought, due to menopause. I just try to tell myself that "it is just the menopause and it will pass".

Take care Blondie, just' breath' and take it easy.

Thank you all for your lovely posts and support, it means so much.

Evening Diary,

another late post from me, still having trouble sleeping, I have decided to go to the doctors tomorrow and see if there is anything medically going on with me.

I think im to young for the menopause but i definatly think something has gone wrong somewhere, somekind of inbalance, anyways i have no idea and im not googling it as it will probably tell me something really scary like im pregnant lol..

Its scares me to think about depression It takes me back to when i started my diary over 9 months ago and how i was feeling then, I really dont mean to offend anyone but ive always thought that people who took anti depressents were weak, I know this isnt the case and it isnt true either. I must remember that asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness and why would I want to carry on like this if It can be treated.

Anyways im second guessing and im not a doctor.

I feel quite vunerable and scared at the moment but repeat after me blondie. I WILL NOT GAMBLE, Gambling never was and never will be the solution.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Blondie xxx

As you said gambling will only make things worse and I know you've come to far to slip back. It won't help and your to good for it. Good idea, get to the docs, you never know they might be able to help and it does take strength to ask for help and if a few pills now and again will make you feel better then no harm in that. Best wishes with docs tomorrow. I'm sure you'll feel better for going.

Hey Trouble,

What's all this 🙁 no smiles!!!! Not sure it's any consolation but I have been right there with you recently feeling pretty low and a little vulnerable. I honestly think some of it is down to time of year everything is just so dull.

However, lying in bed this morning and I had a pick me up. I just happened to flick to a random page in my diary and there it was, prob one of the best posts I have received in my 10 months here. Who was it off? You prob already guessed it was YOU my friend. So full of positive thoughts and feelings. Glass half full kinda girl you said to me. You said it just got lost somewhere temporarily but now it's coming back!!

Do I have a point? Maybe not but just stick at it my friend battle through these days as best you can, I have seen January as being a bit like those first few non gambling days just surviving. What is clear to me is that there is light and that tunnel is far shorter than it might have been a year ago. We still have the s**t but we are better equipped to scoop it up and throw it away.

You picked me up today 🙂 and I hope you can rise with me, smiling is infectious and no matter how hard you try to suppress it you will fail after reading my message 😉

Flagg x

Hun firstly I think the docs is a good idea but also I do wonder if how you are feeling is part of the process, part of the recovery. I say this because I too have been struggling again after a nice smooth bit so it's something I've been thinking about. I think the problem (talking about myself) is that whilst we expect the ups and downs at the beginning once we've been gamble free for a considerable time (7 months this coming Saturday for me) we kinda feel like it should just be better, surely we've already done the hard work? Unfortunately I'm realising that the hard work is ongoing, the ups and downs are ongoing. I've read diaries on here where people have been gamble free for a year/year and a half and then relapsed and at the time I couldn't get my head round it but I think I understand now, its because no matter how long we've been 'clean' there will be times when it just all feels like too much. That fact alone is quite depressing I think!

I know exactly where you're at with not sleeping, having no motivation, feeling unwell (sore throats, nausea and headaches with me) and generally wishing you could crawl under a rock and stay there, its exactly what I'm like when depression has its claws in me. I also get anxiety attacks with shaking, light headedness, tightness in my chest and heart palpations and all in all its just horrendous. Which is why I ended up trying to hide from it all in a gambling bubble in the first place.

You already know all this I know, we've talked about it before. Not really sure what I trying to say other than our problems are always going to be with us to some degree and all I think we can do is be self aware, roll with the punches and yes, get help when its getting too much. Interestingly I consider my biggest weakness to be never being able to ask for/get help when I need it!

Hugs my lovely, hope the darkness passes for you soon. x

Hi B

Hope things are a wee bit better today hun.

Irene

x

Hey Blondie

An MOT is not a bad thing every few years or so and as your processing a lot it is probably taking a lot out of you.

You're not alone on your thoughts on anti depressants...I also thought the same for years but I think maybe as a stop gap they can be useful for some people.

Sorry to sound like a 12 step slogan bore but "Keep it Simple" is just what sprang into my head there..

keep posting and will think of you tomorrow at thee Docs..counselling is not for everyone but maybe its a thought especially as you have had a lot of life changing things happen in a relatively short space of time...a bereavement,a change of routine,planning a wedding and also the prospect fo sharing home with someone.

hugs

R and D xx

Hi there

thanks for your kind words. Do go see Life of Pi, the 3D effects are good and although a few yukky bits overall I liked the story and it occupied my brain for a few hours which is the important thing at the moment.

I hope you get some effective treatment at the docs as it is so draining feeling the way you describe and you need to be fighting fit with spring round the corner.

I can only say how thoughtful you are writing words of encouragement to us all when you are feeling so low yourself and hope the karma repays you in kind (sorry that's the old hippy talking, she escapes periodically).

With all this happening you are amazing not reaching for the evil gambling crutch. Stay strong.

xxx

Hi Blondie, thanks for posting on my diary. Sorry to hear that you are feeling emotionally / physically disconnected. Over the years I have felt at times that I am going to have a nervous breakdown due to bouts of gambling. But when you think about it we go through such highs and lows we are perfect candidates for developing mental health problems. There is such a taboo with mental health issues but we have to admit to them as we do to our gambling problems otherwise we won't get better. Go see you doctor, you will instantly feel better and it may be something very simple but if you do need anti depressants please do not feel that you are somehow weak. It takes strength to admit your feelings x

hi Blondie....

just wondeirng how it went today x

R and D xx

So I didn't go to the doctors because I am a coward, I bottled out because of stupid pride getting in the way , because i feel that if I ask for help I am weak, if I have to take medication I am weak.

i can't carry on feeling the way I do, I have totally closed up again and feel like I am going into isolation which is bad for any addict. I haven't gambled and I am so thankful that I have 9 months strength behind me because it would of been the first thing I would of done 9 months ago , I am not turning back to the gambling demon I feel like I am fighting to many already, and I really don't have the strength.

I have spoken a little to my mum about how I am feeling but I am still wearing the mask where my fiancé is concerned which isn't good and I need to speak to him this weekend, I just feel like such a burden to him and I know that if I pour my heart out to him whilst he is away that he will feel so helpless .

Why do I close up ? Why do I feel I can't take all the masks off ? I don't know, fear ? Scared of not being perfect ? I thought I had dealt with these feelings but obviously I haven't .

Am I being honest with myself ? I have so many questions flicking around in my head it seems impossible to answer them.

I have made another appointment for tomorrow at the doctors I think I need something to just turn this washing machine head off for a while. I feel like I'm going mad ?

I feel like a failure not being able to cope , my life is good, I have my mum , my girls, a loving and supportive soul mate , money in the bank, a roof over my head, a job. WHY is this not enough.

My blocks are keeping me strong and I am so so glad they are in place, I could find a way through them if I wanted to so I guess that is progress to be proud off.

I am afraid that my diary may become a bit depressive for people but I have to be honest to myself and the process and write how I am .

Now I feel completely vulnerable again especially now the edit button has been removed so once i post this I can't change it... It's out there..... Maybe where it should be.....

Let it go blonde......... Give it away.

Take care everyone and thank you so much for your posts of support, sorry its another downer of a post.

Just for today I will not gamble, it never was and never will be the answer to solving how I am feeling .. Now is the time to dig deep and find that inner strength.

Blonde xxx

Hi there

so in tune with what you are saying and such a god description, having a washing machine head, remember that after the spin cycle you can open the door to lovely clean fresh smelling washing ready to hang on th eline in th espring sunshine.

Please don't feel a failure if your gp thinks you need medication. I took anti depressants for a time last year during a particularly difficult phase and I looked on them as a support stop gap, just like you would a stopper on the computer or anything else we use to help us.

I no longer take them and although I have bad days, I think anyone telling the truth does as well, they gave my brain a rest to enable me to work out how to think through my problems.

You acknowledge how much you have to be grateful for but you are still grieving and this can take many forms so please don't beat yourself up so. You are a lovely, kind person and help so many others on this site and what a brilliant motivation for us to see that you are coping without resorting to the cruel crutch.

My thoughts ar ewith you and take care.

xxx

Hi Blondi

Just wanted to post that I am thinking about you at this unpleasant time. I am a believer in prayer (not everyone's cup of tea but it is mine) and therefore, I am going to add you in my prayers when I go to bed this evening.

I had to go to the GP a few weeks ago to reveal something very personal and upsetting to me (which as mentioned earlier to you, is the reason I am off for the next 4 weeks) Like you, I have always had to sort everything out and have done so successfully. I too really struggle with receiving help from anyone and think I should doo everything myself.

Anyway, just wanted to assure you that after visiting the GP (and a few tears and kleenex later)!!, I felt so much better for doing so.

Sometime (as rarely as it seems), even us strong minded women have to rely on help and support from others. You are like me in that we have both got lots of people who love us for who we are and what we have done over the years - keep that in mind.

I hope you find the strength and energy to visit your G.P Blondie.

Take care.xx

P.s: As a newbie, I was just wondering when you said you have your blockers in place but there is a way round them, what you meant. My sister has put a secret password on my laptop so I know there is now way round for me - which is what I want.

Hi again already

so struggling on here without edit facility.

Just reread what I had written and what you posted on Dotty's thread and really concerned that you might feel pressure as I mentioned how motivational you are. So sorry if it came across that way as your own recovery is the most important thing.

Also just wanted to mention my gp also arranged counselling for me at the same time as pills which in combination worked really well.

I do find it difficult to express myself clearly on here sometimes so please ignore the bits that are nonsense.

xxx