Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

Thank you for the posts everyone.

I suppose my new diary title sums up how i feel at the moment, I feel strong and focused and although i still had thoughts and urges to gamble, I will not return or surrender... Not today anyway and for me thats enough.

Tough day in work, and a difficult conversation later with the fiance but im no longer emotionally r******d or spirtually constipated.... lol....

Take care all

Blondie compulsive gambler.. No bet since 23 April 2012.

No return and No surrender !

Thanks for your post on my diary Blondie.

Just wanted to wish you all the best on your continued recovery. It is inspiring stuff indeed.

Keep strong

Ade

thanks for your post blondie it really helped what you said really struck a cord with me .it helps to no that there is light at the end of the tunnell x hattie

Hey Blondie,

Thank you for your post and yes i do agree i need to set more goals in my recovery. Not sure what tho, seems like going in circles for the past week, so maybe just for now i will say Day at a time, abstain and maintain which seems to work so far:)

You doing great, and i can always look up to you...

your new tread is huge inspiration and i learn something new out of this journey every day.

Thank you

Keep going strong

Sandra x

Yo,

Was thinking when I read your last post , how far you've come .

Not just with the gambling but with it all

I remember a time when you would be doubting yourself over difficult conversations you needed to have either at work or with your fella .

In your last post that was no evident at all . So high five Mrs , or should I say Zena .

You know all write so much bout benefits of not gambling , money ect....... But do not think we mention enough bout the growth it allows within ones self . You my dear dear friend are living proof of that growth .

Hugs , and let the warriors fight on.

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for the posts everyone.

Been thinking a bit today about lots of things but mainly how I think before my dad died I hadn't really experienced that kind of pain before which is rubbish because gambling caused me so much pain and yet if I ever let my self get complacent I can quite easily forget the torture I put myself through and also the person I become when i gamble

How is it I could ever forget that pain, first of all I have stopped fighting this addiction I gave in and admitted defeat on the 23rd April 2012, gambling took me to my all time rock bottom and I whilst I can't torture myself about that I must also never forget.

How do I never forget, I never forget because I keep telling my story, I keep supporting people which also allows me to tell my story, I think for me personally this has been a big factor in my abstinence.

I feel rightly or wrongly for now it's my responsibility to myself and my recovery to keep posting , to keep supporting , and to keep telling my story, after all I put my heart and soul into gambling at every opportunity I could so why can't I keep that same commitment to my recovery.

Blondie

compulsive gambler no bet since 23rd April 2012

Take care

Xxx

Blondie.

Another post from the heart my friend, today I read a post straight from step twelve in the book.

My interpritation is that once you have a belief in yourself, the point were addiction stops making you hide the shame of your addiction then you set about wanting to gift it to others.

This is for me as a fella who became truly selfish through addiction, something which gifts me a great amount of satisfaction.

There is nothing spiritual or religious in this for me, nobody can teach it to you it comes purely and simply from a dedication to abstinence.

My friend You gift that in bucket loads, for that be proud and thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

Recovery the gift that keeps giving.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks duncs your so right the gift that keeps giving.

When I had my gambling head on I think I had the mental attitude of a cross between Karl pilkington (who I think is extremely funny by the way) and victor meldrew.

Everything was an effort everything was dull And frey, people annoyed me for no apparent reason only that I was selfish and intolerant.

Everything was everybody else's fault because that was the easy option, put the blame with someone else then i don't have to take responsibility for how I act or look at why and how I feel the way I do.

Once the gambling head and the mentality that goes with it came off for me I had to start looking at why I felt that way, Did I have unrealistic expectations of myself, 100pc absolutely yes, other people? Absolutely.

Was this adding to my frustration with myself and the outside world.? Yes

Was I whiz zing around at 500 mile an hour, missing out on things, of course I was I was trying to be superwoman.

I am and always will be a work in progress , I have stopped looking for the extraordinary moments in life that I thought gambling would gift me and now I am grateful for the ordinary moments, after all you ask anyone who has lost someone they love dearly and they will say

I wish I could come downstairs and see my dad sat at the table with his glasses half way down his nose reading his paper.

Even though I haven't deleted my dads number out of my phone yet, I still wish I could dial his number and he would answer.

I wish I could go for a game of cards with him in the vault in his local and watch the football.

Ordinary things that we miss more than anything In The world when they are no more.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Blondie,

You owe me some sleep lady.

I was blown away by the link you set up showing Brene Brown, who I had never heard of, on youtube. I sat up for hours and hours last night watching clips and reading articles.

Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, violence, bullying, suicide and overeating. Very interesting stuff. Thanks for sharing.

Tomso.

Hey Blondie, I also did Deepak's last online meditation. The one I posted this time is a bit different... more musical. I enjoy both. Thanks for your post in my diary.

Hey Blondie,

Your posts just grips my heart...you are doing fantastic job in this recovery, you gifting yourself your life back. And you support so many others:-) you are an Angel send down from heaven and the other Angel looks down from heaven and is the proudest dad in a world...

I wish you well and know that your biggest goals will come true, because you are worth it!

Take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Blondie,

Thank you for the constant support. I love the new thread title. That's right. No retreat baby nooooooo surrender. -joanxxxxxxx

Hiya blondie. I haven't been posting on other diaries to much of late so thought I better get back to it and I hope that you are well and staying strong. Can't believe how well you have done and how far you have come its really an inspiration. You should be very proud, to get as far as you have travelled takes a hell of a lot and I wish you all the best for everything in your future. Take care blondie and thank you so much for the support you have giving me over the last year, year and a half I may have slipped a few times in between but I know I have taken some big steps forward and you are a big part of that, so thank you.

Yo,

Just sending you a big fat shiny hug , why cos I can lol

Enjoy your weekend Hun

Shiny xxxxxxx

Thank you for the posts all.

Another busy week for me, work is mental and ive been down south for over a week, and back there again the end of this week 🙁

I find sometimes my routine being thrown out the window can un-balance me a little but im getting used to it more .

No gambling, the thoughts come and go but the difference is there is no action against those thoughts, thoughts cant hurt me but acting on them can.

Fiance's house will be rented out from the end of this month and they will potentially buy it at the end of the 6 months, so things are moving forward but sometimes not at the pace i would like, BUT i practice patience every day lol... sometimes with frustration but i manage it.

Onwards and upwards, and as duncs says never backwards....

take care all

blondie xxx