Get busy living... Or get busy dying..

To , just a hug to go along with the sunflowers

Hope you meeting goes well tonight, only 9 more days till you can take hold of the reins .

Planning you outfit already lol

Plus one more sleeps till Friday , yipeeeeeeeeeeeee

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Day 81... 9 days away from 90 which is my second target !!

Amazing how taking things a day at a time can have such a massive impact on your life in all areas.

I think to keep moving forward sometimes I have to reflect back and it isnt about torturing myself for me its part of the understand it, accept it and then letting go , getting it out there into the ether and let it float away.

I gambled from the age of about 22 as ive said before it started as a social out with the girls, it very soon gripped me as i found it a great hyding place after I left a violent relationship with a 6 month old baby on my own.

At that point in my life i thought it was over, who would want me with a kid, I moved back home and with the support from my mum and dad i started to get back on track, passed my driving test, got a job at night in a pub, was able to go out at weekends with my friends. I met my husband to be whilst working behind a bar dressed as a french maid lol.

My ex husband was 4 years younger than me very good looking but quite, shy and only came alive when he had a drink, I was the total opposite with or without a drink, Loud, mad, raging against the world, outwardly not a care in the world, but inside i now know i was dying.

I carried so much guilt around with me that i now know wasnt mine to carry, I felt stupid and mad with myself for getting involved with a lunatic and getting pregnant to him , guilty that I was now a single parent and my daughter would be without a farther figure in her life, and generally feeling sorry for myself thinking that id messed up my life. I had been working in italy the year before i met my lunatic ex, living the dream I had such big plans and i thought id blown them all.

I was even hung up on perfection then.!

Time moved on we became an item but I always knew deep down there was something missing but i could never quite put my finger on it, I was just un-happy all the time.

I got a full time job and eventually bought my first house I think thats when the impact of my responsibilites hit me, Mortgage, baby, living with someone i wasnt really happy with.

My Ex husband is a good man, he just wasnt for me we were poles apart on everything, he was football mad and was either watching it, talking about it, or playing it and i always felt second best, we never did anything together even went out with our friends instead of each other , we never talked, i mean really talked and as time went on i just got more and more frustrated.

I used to look at my mum and dad and how happy they were and how much in love they were and yearned to have that.

When he was watching football or the soaps which i hated i would go out to bingo I was earning quite good money for my age and i had the freedom to gamble a dangerous combination.

I gambled and gambled sometimes taking days off work to go back the next day when id had big loss's the night before.

I think I made a sub-concious decision when i left my first relationship that i wouldnt let anybody else in again and therefore noone could ever hurt me again, so i built the brick wall around me.. It was my protection and gambling was all i ever let in.

From my councelling sessions im starting to understand me more, and also accept the decisions i have made and the impact that some events had on my life.

By not being brave enough to talk about my frustrations and fears and how i was feeling to people around me I bottled them all up ( a bit like mixing mentos and coke in the same bottle U-tube it or do it its really fun lol ) and eventually the lid blew off.

Im more comfortable now having those conversations i dont want to bottle them up anymore because that allows space for the gambling demons to come back. Piece by piece day by day im demolishing the brick wall i built and letting it out is freeing me from holding on to it anymore.

I feel lighter.. (No ive not been eating space cakes ) this forum, G.A and my councelling have opened my mind and heart up again .

Got my G.A meeting tonight to let a bit more out.... One day at a time ... I know i will get there in the end....

Blondie... Peace out mannnnnn !

xxx

Good on yer girl, getting all that off your chest. Shows how far youve come and how comfortable you are within yourself. Our past make us who we are today, nothing is wasted unless we allow ourselves to waste. The path to true happiness is often difficult and takes time, everyone on here is treading that path, moving slowly towards contentment. I'm glad you're finding happiness and gaining self understanding Blondie, I really do. Yet more important than that, much more important is that French maid outfit, can I lend it for fishing tonight? Take care, Steve

81 days is great going and its great that your really understanding yourself and your feelings. Great to hear things are moving forward for you.

blondie.

A big well done from me to you!!

90 not a problem!! so i must be 9 days from 180 reckon we should take all the food out of the fridge and a stock up I feel a party could be a coming!!!

P.s hovis is no longer talking to me since i showed him the picture of young woody and waxed lyrical lol he is a sulking!! I could post a pic but my lens cant fit in the legs LOL

Duncs stepping forward never back. no bet just for today.

thanks Blondie and your joke was funny...lol...thats karma for ya Bill..

I could relate to lot in your post especially about walling off as its where im at...have had thoughts of this today and after meeting as the topic was relevant to what your saying...

I think you are great...we have some great people on here and coming up to your 90 you must be really proud and feel in control again hun..

I would love to swap jobs....quantum physics..yay! is that like its not there unless we think it is...lol

Your job sounds intriguing...mine is just crazy but hey.....like attracts like eh?...lol

well my lovely..thank you for inspiring me today too and i have some thinks coming round my head...

the counselling seems to doing you good and opening up that box bit by bit in a safe way xx

hugs and hugs

rarch and doo xx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l09wlnJsIic&sns=em

For you...with love......and let me set the battlements on fire xx

R and D xx

Yep,

Your right shiny should have E in my book too.

But as we know tooooooo many Es are not good for you , you can addicted to them. They make you hypo active, miserable and have a profound effect on your life. Bit like gambling lol

So it's about acceptance , we both as difficult as it is take on board that Shiny is probs best without the E .

Lol

Have a super dooper weekend , oh must add,

Rach has got boyfriend , sounds better if you sing it like a 12 years old !

Friday so another working from home for you I expect ,

Well sort of lol

Have a good one Hun.

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning Blondie,

I hope that you are okay and that you have a good day today and an even better weekend!

Take care.

Dave X

rachie and boyfriend sitting in a tree...k i s s i n g...lolx

Sorry for a mini hijack but yes Blondie..my heart is out there in ref to shinys post but i have dared to love again.

Im glad you liked the song...

I think we all can build fortresses around our hearts and ourselves to keep safe but we can also stop living.

Its a weird one with GA...there seems more of a definate split of fans and not fans...I only know the AA/Al anon 12 step but I suppose with booze a persons physical life is on the line...

Having said that some people do get antsy when controlled drinking iis mentioned as often suggested by the detox places as for the majority it has to be total abstinence.

Healthy debate is good ....although i type that with a smile as some of the old liverpool AA meets used to result in chair throwing by all accounts. ...lol.

I entered into a debate on here this week as something wound me up and I edited many times then the moderators stepped in... but as with all written communication sometimes it is hard to know a persons intentions.. I don't regret what I said but my tone was cold.

Am glad your getting something out of the meetings Blondie...I only went to one open GA meet and felt at home as i knew the format..it was all chaps and testosterone ran high but I felt really welcome and got a cuppa!.

Rain Rain go away...another schoolyard chant....

hugs and congratulations on your determination hun...sending you also a virtual cake xx

Rach and Doo xxx

DAY 82 8 days from my next target of 90.

And boy oh boy am i excited, I did something really spontanious last night, I said a few weeks ago that i would like to get a camper van and go and see the Alps stage's of the tour de france, last night was talking to my BF as we had both watched yesterdays stage and we decided that next weekend we are going to france to watch the last stage in Paris on sunday, getting the euro star early saturday staying over saturday night . sight seeing, shoe shopping, wearing onions round my neck and saying eeee orrr eeee orr, or is that a donkey... lol

Oh im so excited.. and saturday will be 90 days.... Im marking the occasion without even realising it.

BF is home early today so out for a curry later with my mum as well. Didnt make my meeting last night as the s**t really did hit the fan yesterday but then i thought it would as it had made headline news the night before, lol work that one out. !

But its my job i perform well in a crisis i just dont want to live like that 24-7.

Anyways I am a happy little bunnie and work or crisis isnt going to spoil that.

Thanks for your posts everyone as always much appreciated and forever thankfull that i found this site.

Enjoy your weekend.

Fan dabbieee dozieeeee.

Blondie xxx

Yo,

Nosey shiny intrigued , quick wheres the news paper lol

Surely you were not the ones selling drugs to that million couple in London .......Lol

I think I need Dusty to fathom that one out .

Oi la la

Good for you, how very romantic , how very spontaneous. How very very wonderful,

The expression we reap what we soe comes to mind,

No not garlic , or Duncs bendy carrots.

Would you be off to *** parieeee if you were still gambling . I dont suppose so......

So with another Oi La La

Catch you laters ,

Mon a moi

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxx

You jammy so and so, going to Paris to watch the end of the tour. How good is that, Eurostar, shopping and a curry tonight. I love Paris. I'm green with envy. Yet I'm really pleased for you too, really am, you deserve it after all the hard work you've put in and what a way to celebrate the big 9-0.

Yet my mind is now working overtime, s**t hit the fan, all over the newspapers and now you're fleeing to the continent. My spider sense is tingling, something ain't right. Hope you haven't put your boss in intensive care or worse.

Take care, Steve.

have a fab time en france Blondie....

ps ...also intrigued...not J Terries brief are you ? xx lol

ps..think i was still asleep this morning as I have responded to your post thinking you wrote it but it was flags post !!...thought i was on your diary re GA meets...lol

If flagg reads this ..that last post for you about GA was for him...that will teach me for flicking around my screens.

Hi Blondie,

Thanks for taking the time to post on my diary, your support is much appreciated. I have just been reading through your diary from the start and wanted to say a huge well done for the progress you have made.

In such a short time you have been through so much and clearly opened up your life in a brave and honest manner.

Comng to terms with an addiction and finally admitting it to yourself is a huge step which you have taken in your stride. What us CG's are often less aware of is the huge emotional upheavel that goes with it. Suddenly the fog of gambling lifts to reveal the carnage.

We feel stronger and more able to deal with the past but as it comes rushing back to us it is sometimes hard to cope with.

You however seem to be embracing your recovery and although you are taking giant steps you are still careful to take them one at a time.

You have quickly become an inspiration for others with your upbeat and humourous posts. I wish you the very best of luck on your journey both emotionally and of course physically (to Paris), I am an avid follower of the tour and I am sure you will have a great time!

Stay safe and strong

Paulds